A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone! i really need your help and i would appreciate it so much if you would answer me!!! first i want to apologize for my language mistakes as i am not a native speaker. i just turned 19 and i'm female. here's my story:i have never been in love with a boy!!! i have real friends, i don't go out to clubs much because i don't like it too much but i am very happy, laid back, talking a lot and open minded and i love to laugh and make others laugh. the first time i was in love was when i was 13 or 14 and i had a biiig crush on my teacher. it lasted for some months and i guess that's a pretty common thing for a teenage girl. when i was like 15 - 17 yrs old, my life wasn't so much fun. i was diagnosed with depression and i went to a psychotherapist for about two years. when i was 17/18 i spent 6 months in australia, visiting a high school and living in a lovely hostfamily. i became more self - confident and relaxed and actually i am enjoying life... only sometimes i feel really bad and i guess i am still not through with my depression. maybe u imagine me as a quiet, lonely and sad - looking girl but i'm really not... people who don't know me well think my life is all good. i'm very outgoing and witty. but sometimes i get the same feelings I had when i was diagnosed with major depression. not everyday though. i feel like my life is worth nothing and everything is hopeless. i reckon i should see a psychotherapist again. i don't know. well and what makes me wonder whether i'm alright is something else too... i have never been in love with a BOY... (and i am not at all interested in girls) sometimes i find a boy very cute and like him a lot and have sexual phantasies about him but i never actually fell in love. i never got really excited when i see a special boy, i have never been jealous because of a boy.since some months i am in love with my teacher (of course not the one i fell for when i was a little girl, i'm at a different school and everything) he is so adorable, he has everything i wish from a man. of course i know we will never be together and he probably only sees me as a student anyway because he is a gentleman. it breaks my heart... and: he is 57 yrs old. i know it may sound weird but i can't help it, i'm totally in love with him, i get billions of butterflies when i think of him and i dream about him nearly all the time. despite this problem i am worried that i will never fall in love with a man i can get together with and never have a beautiful family. a man i love and who loves me back and kids are my biggest dream!i often find actors who are like 30 - 40 yrs older than me very sexy. i also find some younger guys very, very sexy but older men seem to have this special thing which makes me weak. i think i am also a little scared of relationships. i never had a boyfriend!!! and i feel pretty happy nevertheless! (at the moment I do. but one day i want to have a family!!!)please don't think i am so unattractive nobody would like to be together with me, i do little model jobs since i was a young girl. besides that - although it sounds like a cliche - real beauty comes from within, i know that and i believe in it.something really weird happened to me when i was 14 yrs old and i think it is one of the reasons i got depression: i was in love with a guy from the internet, he was 3 years older than me. i was young and naive and i feel in love with him via internet (icq you know? this chat - program). i was sooo unhappy because i really thought i loved him and i often cried my heart out because i hurt like hell... because of this guy i ONLY knew from the internet... i know this is so embarrassing and stupid, but the pain was real in these days, believe me. i even dated him once when i was 17. we kissed but i didn't like him that much. now i wish i never met him, never in the internet and never in real life! i feel so ashamed for that. maybe that is one of the reasons i never had a boyfriend and never was in love with a real boy. i spent years crying in my room because of a boy from the internet instead of going out and meet real boys. i wish i could turn back time!!!do u think there is nevertheless hope for me??? maybe i will never have a boyfriend??? two real boys told me they love me in the past two years but i only like them as friends.it's just so hard... i don't know if i ever will love and marry a guy... it breaks my heart... i think i am so weird!!! :( and my teacher breaks my heart too... i love him... next year i will leave school...the fact that i am not close with my dad probably has something to do with the fact i like older men, don't you think?please, please write an answer. thank you very much for reading. i'm sorry it's so long :(take care everyone xxx
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crush, fell in love, jealous, my teacher, never had a boyfriend, older men, the internet Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi! thank you very much oldfool, i'm very glad you wrote something although the other advices are already very helpful... you mentioned some really important things i haven't been really aware of before. so i thank you a lot!!! i may sound silly but i am still really amazed how you guys - people i don't even know in person! ease my heartache here on this site. you took some of your time trying to help me and you really did help me. and you answered so fast. wow...
love
A
male
reader, oldfool  + ♥, writes (2 May 2008):
 I've read your post and your additional explanations about your relationship with your father. I think the other aunts and uncles have given some great advice and explored a lot of your feelings with you, so I'm not going to add to their comments.
I'd just like to say that I don't think there is anything wrong with liking older men. I've met women like that and they are perfectly normal, attractive young women. It's just that, for whatever reason, they are attracted to older men. I think that when you get out of your school environment you will have more opportunity to meet older men that you like, other than your teachers.
There are two things you should keep in mind, though:
* Don't ever EVER get into a relationship with an older married man. No matter how attractive and wonderful you find him, you will be letting yourself, and his wife and children, in for a huge amount of heartache and emotional damage. Since you like older men, you are much more vulnerable to this possibility than you would be if you were mostly interested in men your own age.
* Don't shut the door on men who are the same age as yourself, or a little older. You never know who your soulmate might be. In a few years those little boys around you will grow up and become men. And you may find one who is mature enough to give you everything that you are looking for.
From your posts, you are an intelligent, sensitive, loving young woman. At 19 you still haven't found a love interest. Don't worry, you will! There is so much waiting for you up ahead, so many things to see and do, so many people to meet, so many things to learn. Don't fret, and just live your life as it comes!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Well I've been in your situation before, possibly not as in depth.In July this year I'm going to be changing schools and absoutley ages (years) I've been infatuated and possibly in love with different people, currently a teacher.Now I put this down to limerence. You will fall in love. But I promise you this teacher thing doesn't take you forward, it takes you backwards so far it hurts to get back.I might be suffering from depression from it. You need to try to get over it. I'm in the process but only because I said I'm suicidual and she told my parents without my consent. This wasn't the first time either so my trust is seriously damaged.You may not think there is anything that is bad about him, but eventually pores will come through and it will show through that there is mistakes. And unfortunatley for him, because you think he's perfect and you see flaws, (in my case a she), they show up more. The bigger the flaw, broke of trust whatever you need to get over him.I'm sorry this is long, and it seems like an impossible answer, but it is the only way forward.The worry is you may not be ready to do that, if your so obsessed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much LazyGuy, i will definitely ask a pro for help to figure things out.
take care and thank you so much, what you wrote really gave me hope
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (1 May 2008):
 With 'save' I mean that you can be in love with them without actually having to risk being with them for real.
Your update on your family life makes it pretty clear you are suffering from the effects of an abusive upbringing. No that doesn't have to involve physical violence or sexual assault. Mental abuse can be just as devastating.
This goes beyond what can be "solved" by amateurs on a site, you really need to seek counseling for this. You are coping well enough but are emotionally closed off and will continue to find it hard to form relations because deep down you fear it will be like your parents marriage.
At least you are not seeking out the same type of partner as your father thereby continuing the abuse, that is hopeful but from having seeing other cases like yours I really think you need help, talk either with your doctor about this or try a councilor at school.
For now, just try to accept that your father is the way he is but that not all men are like this and not all marriages are like your parents. When you have dealt with your past you will find it a lot easier to find someone to share your life with the right way, with love and support. Not abuse and neglect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much everyone...!!! i was very surprised how fast people answered me and how kind and helpful the answers were...they make me very thoughtful.
Tisha-1 - what you wrote really, really touched me, i never looked at my life in that way. i blushed when i read your answer... take care & thanks a lot...i think YOU are an impressive woman...!
LazyGuy - thank you very, very much. you sound like a pro. it's very touching to read such a thoughtful answer. by the way you are dutch right? we're neighbours then :) your english seems perfect to me...
i am totally new to this site and i actually can't believe people actually take their time to help me. wow... it gives me a lot of hope.
if you would like to help me again that'd be awesome... the relationship with my dad: my mum, dad and my little sister (13) and me live together in a house. i have a brother (21), he moved out two years ago. i don't think my dad treats my mum too well. but when i speak to her about that, she says most the times that this is not true. he gets very angry sometimes about nothing, he yells at my mum when he's angry and calls her really bad names sometimes... they fought a lot when i was younger, it is much better now. they get along better then i do with my dad. when i was a kid he beat me sometimes, not too often but i can remember very well. sometimes when he gets mad at me these days i get very scared of him, i run into my room and he kicks the door and yells at me. sometimes he throws things at me. i know it sounds terrible but it is not sooo bad. sometimes we talk about things like books, movies, politics and he is really nice to me, he can be funny too. i know the women at his work like him (but i dont think he has ever had an affair, i dont mean that!), he seems to be a pretty cool guy to others but AT HOME he is different. i tried to talk about my problems or about how his behaviour hurts me many, many times... it just doesn't help, even if i talk to him during holidays when he is relaxed. i don't know why he doesn't seem to appreciate me. i do well at school and i don't have drug problems or something and i help at home etc. i don't know. we get along somehow but we are not close. my mum and my dad never give me a hug or something. when he is angry he says things like he wishes i would be still in australia or that he hates me. i never tell him things like that, i just break down and cry because it hurts me a lot. he did that even more when i was younger. it didn't make me that self - confident i reckon.
what do you mean with this sentence:"The teacher you fell for, the online guy, they are both "save". " ?
you're right, the teacher would never have a relationship with a student. at least i am very, very sure.
yes, i lost interest in the internet guy immediately when i met him in person, he was not at all how i imagined him. i mean his personality, of course i saw photos of him before. i was in love with someone who never existed, he was not like i thought he would be.
oh and it's perfectly alright you asked the "crude" question, i answer it here - yes i do it for myself a lot... i don't seem to have a low sex drive :)
the two boys who said they were in love with me... i don't know... i liked them a lot... but i kinda took a step backwards when they told me their feelings. i said something like oh this is so cute but i only see you as a friend. i only saw them as friends but i thought they were very cute and i imagined kissing them and stuff. i was not in love with them but i really liked them. yes i guess i am really afraid of relationships. i don't know how that can ever change!
i often see couples and think "i can't imagine having a boyfriend". that sounds so stupid... but i imagine having a boyfriend / husband is like having a really good friend plus you desire him in a sexual way. i know what it feels like to be in love - when i think of my teacher or when i'm around him i have butterflies and i feel so happy and sad at the same time and i am really excited... but i don't know what love is, that's right. i actually don't have a clue. do you really think it is a matter of time? ok i am pretty young but... i don't know. i hope so much what u wrote is true, about how my life is still ahead me and things will go better with time.
thank you sooo much again, you don't know how i appreciate your answers
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy + ♥, writes (1 May 2008):
A suspicion I got reading your story is confirmed almost as an afterthought at the end. "the fact that i am not close with my dad probably has something to do with the fact i like older men".
What exactly was the relationship with your father. Abusive, emotionally withdrawn? How did he behave with your mother. Children mimic their parents, kids who grow up with abuse often become abusers themselves or seek out new relations in which they are abuses. And kids with emotionally withdrawn parents tend to have problems forming emotional relationships.
The teacher you fell for, the online guy, they are both "save". I am right in thinking the teacher is a good one who would never allow anything to happen between him and a student? The internet guy you loved but it fell apart after a date?
It almost sounds to me like you are afraid of men/boys at least when it comes to relationships.
Going to be crude here and you only have to answer this to yourself not to anyone else, but you mention you do have sexual fantasies. Do you act on them with masturbation, basically what is your sex-drive. It can vary wildly in people to begin with and depression is well known to kill your sex-drive. If you don't feel a need for sex, your need to be around boys and fall in love is greatly reduced. Without sex you are not looking for a boyfriend, just a friend. I don't think you have a low sex-drive from the way you describe having sexual fantasies but can't rule it out.
You don't seem to be shy, you got friends, even male friends and two guys approached you. So it is not lack of potential boyfriends that is causing you problems.
These two who said they loved you, what was missing. No sexual desire, wrong personality. Or was it that you just didn't know how to react?
I get the feeling that because of your father you never learned how male/female relationships work. You know there is something called love and that it is supposed to turn you upside down with feelings for a guy but can't really see how it applies to you.
How exactly do you see any possible future relationship with a male? What for you does a boyfriend really mean. I don't mean the aspect of you wanting one, but what it would mean to actually be in a relationship. It could be that subconsciously you project your bad relationship with your father on top of your visions of a boyfriend and this makes you hesitate. On the one hand you desire a boyfriend but your childhood showed you how bad relationships can be.
I would look into the relationship with your father more, not just to explain your attraction to old men but also why guys your own age just don't attract you emotionally even though you desire them sexually.
Although all of this can just as easily be explained by a simple, you are still young, love strikes us all at different ages, at 19 there is still ages of time to have fun, enjoy life and just wait to see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (1 May 2008):
 I have to say that you are an impressive young woman, on a number of different levels. First of all, your language skills are very good, I couldn't even begin to think about trying to write in another language because I would find it too daunting, and I've had the opportunity to learn other languages. And you write so much better than many of our posters who only speak English. So I am in complete awe there.
Second, that you are so in tune with yourself and understand your needs well enough to have sought counselling and help for your depression. That deserves some major applause and 'well dones!'
Third, you've gone out and experienced life in a new country, that takes some courage and bravery. Good on you!
I think that you are doing all the right things, trying to keep positive and still recognizing that you've had some issues with depression and that you may struggle with this for some time. The battle might not be easy, but you are doing your very best, and that is more than some people can manage. So don't lose heart and don't give up trying!
As far as who you're attracted to and not having a boyfriend yet, well, maybe you are looking for an older man because they are sensible and have some experience and theoretically are more mature, maybe you're looking for a father figure, but honestly, whatever works for you in a positive way is the best thing you can hope for. As for men your age, maybe they haven't quite matured enough for you to be interested in because they haven't gone through some of the things you've been through.
I'm sorry for the internet guy, he doesn't deserve your tears. Cry if it helps but don't beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes, it's what we do with the lessons we can learn from them that matters.
And you are well on your way to being a wonderful, well-rounded, cosmopolitan FABULOUS woman! In fact, you're much further along than you seem to think. If I were you, I'd relax, and live, and laugh and cry and keep on being myself, because that person is a beautiful one. And when the right combination of a man comes along, and I'm quite sure he will, you will know and you will be strong and lovely and so ready for letting him into your life, you will be just amazed. Just don't worry so much about it right now, and don't be afraid to ask for counselling if you really think you might need it. It is a good thing!
So, my hat is off to you, you young fabulous woman with her whole wonderful life ahead of you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Awh honey, I can understand how you're feeling, but you've got to remember that you have your whole life ahead of you! It seems to me that what you've gone through (with teachers, internet crushes etc) is just the normal learning curve that most girls go through, and it has made you stronger, I promise you. Even if it seems like it hasn't at the moment - you'll look back and realise that it's good you've experienced these feelings. It's how I feel, anyway. I had my heart broken when I was just 13, but because of that, I've learnt some important lessons that help me keep my current relationship going strong!
Of course there is hope for you - I believe there's a soul mate out there for everybody, and you are no exception. He's out there, he thinks someone like you is just perfect, and you'll think the same of him. Yes, some people unfortunately miss out on great people (and even their soul mates) but this is because they're not spreading the wings they have been given and flying. So it's important that you go out there and meet new people! Spend the time you've got here doing things you like to do, with the people that you like to be around. When you're elderly, like 70 or something, you'll look back and think how quickly life passed you. So while you're young, you've got to make good use of it.
And you're honestly not weird at all. My parents got married quite young, at your age, 19! But then again, my aunty got married when she was 36. Everyone's life is taken in different stages and measurements, so it's all just a waiting game, because a plan has been made for you by God from the day you were born, and just remember, everything comes in due course.
If you haven't met the right one yet, there is just a brighter future ahead of you. So go places you wouldn't normally go, keep being friendly around new people, and don't just sit back and wait, as that won't get you anywhere! Relax, your life is only just beginning. This is the point in life in which all your decisions start, not end! Good luck.
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