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I don't know how to stop loving my husband, and I'm scared of being alone...

Tagged as: Faded love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 June 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 29 April 2008)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I don't know how to stop loving my husband, and I'm scared of being alone. We've been together 6 years, married for 3. We have 2 small children, and I have a teenage daughter. My husband has always been a little distant emotionally, but lately things have felt really wrong. I told him how scared I am, and that I'm worried he is with another woman. He swears he would never do that to me and the kids, he says he can't even imagine doing such a thing. However, he did tell me that he's been feeling "like being alone sometimes". I asked him if he needs some time for himself, maybe away from work and responsibility. He just said that sometimes he feels that he doesn't want to be with me, and he's not always sure he's in love with me.

I am so angry, most at myself, for not seeing the signs that I see now. He works lots of extra hours that really aren't necessary, hangs out with his buddies as often as possible after work,sleeps on the couch most of the time(he says the bed hurts his back),and almost never initiates sex. When I asked, he said he only married me because I was so excited and he didn't want to disappoint me by backing out. Now that we have the kids, he says he can't bear to be away from them, and that everything could work out fine if we just try to get along.

Question is, how do I stay married to someone who doesn't love me? Hwo can I live in the same house with him knowing what I know now, without falling into the trap in my mind that keeps saying,"he really does love me, he's just confused". Better yet, how do I stop loving him so that I can get to the point where I am ready to end my marraige, and go back to being alone again. Can you please help me?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

It is very difficult to answer this. I am through the same thing and I know it is very frustrating.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008):

I am suffering from severe anxiety and fear attacks. I break out shaking and sweating, where ever and in front of whom ever. I have been married for 22 years, with the same man whom I met at 15 years of age. My birthday is this Friday, I will be 40 years old. I have an adult daughter and 3 young children.

I realize my husband does not love me, and I have fulled myself for over 22 years, forcing my mind to believe he did. Intimacy has not been a problem, however, this is problably my best feature in his mind and a dependency.

My moment is just now, not a minute ago, nor a second ago, but just now!! My spouse did not give me life, and I REFUSE TO LET HIM dis-assemble my mind, and therefore my body. I cant eat, I cant breath!! I WILL NOT DIE FROM LOVING HIM......I WILL CALL FOR ALL THAT I AM AND I WILL LIVE, FOR ME, MY CHILDREN, MY SANITY, AND WILL BE HAPPY AND LOVED, REALLY LOVED, IN THE FUTURE.

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A female reader, luna1212 United States +, writes (16 February 2008):

I know what your going through. The worst thing a man can say to you is that he doesnt love you. My husband told me that not to long ago and we have been together four years and have a 3 year old daughter. He's not staying with us right now but he always calls for our daughter and shows up at the house whenever he feels like it. Sure I want it to work but im really not sure if it is worth staying with someone who cant love you. Take this from me sometimes it is better to let them go and see how you really feel. I am scared of being alone as well but there are other men out there and eventually you will meet someone. I do love my husband but is it fair to us to live in a loveless relationship. No matter what he will always be a part of your life joined by your children but you cant stop living your life because of him. You need to get out there as well and make yourself happy. I know I am trying.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

Well i am not sure how much i can help but i myself am in he same situation you are. Me and my hubby fight all the time and at this moment he is at his mothers. I love him so much more than words can say. he wants a divorice and i dont. At least he says he thinks he wnats one but i think most of the descion comes from his mother which is the reason we fight alot. I myself am afraid to be alone and to let go of him. We have been together 8 years married 5 and have 4 children together betwwen the ages of 2-8. Right now all i am is depressed and wishing i could do something to change everything that went wrong. I am not sure if i am comming or going but each day i just do what i have to do to get through each day.I am hoping that he relaizes what he losing and does what he has to do and see what is wrong and right and makes the right descion. PLease juts follow whats in your heart and do whats best for you and do whats best for your children. Do what makes you happy. Dont be like me and torment yourself day in and day out. I should follow my own advice and each day its a struggle but eventually i will. I pray for happiness for you.

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A female reader, Cateyes United States +, writes (15 June 2007):

Cateyes agony auntFirst off, I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are feeling, because I know it probably feels like a knife to the heart. What I will say is really love your husband and I feel that you can work it all out before thinking divorce court. Let him have his space, let him be as he has....YOU be the woman that everyone else still loves, that everyone else loves being around, the wonderful mother that you are, the great friend that you are to your girlfriends....let him see you from "a distance". It's very hard for me to believe that he married you because you were "just" so excited. I believe he does still love you...I think he might be having some "issues"..and no I can't say what they are, but it could be from work, it could be "the married life", it could be lots of things...and yes, even some woman he may have met. The thing is, HE needs to think about what he would be losing IF he was to ever divorce you. And YOU...YOU live being happy everyday even when you don't want to. That's rough I know, but who wants to see someone who has a worried look or one with no smile? EVEN if you did divorce, you will always know in your heart YOU gave it the best shot. I feel like he really needs to take "another" look at you again if you know what I mean. I believe you do deserve happiness and yes, from someone who does love being in love with you, but I also feel it is up to anyone to give it their best in their marriage before calling it quits. Today is just to easy for everyone to go to divorce court....if you love someone, really love someone, you WILL work it out. I don't like to hear about everyone bringing the kids in to this...they grow up and one day leave the nest..and yes, it does play a tole on them. BUT, when we take our vows, do we just throw in the towel and they don't mean anything anymore because we don't want to work on our marriage? If that's the case, why get married? I believe you were serious, so try to be the best as best can be.....I think he will come around and eventually you will see a change in him. Let HIM miss you. Let him fall in love with you...all over again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

Well, there's two ways of looking at it. You have children,and it's not their fault your husband doesn't love you. If he's generally good to you and is good to the kids, well, then, you will have to seriously think about what a divorce would do to all concerned.

The reality is, loving someone and having them not love you back hurts really bad, and it's a hard way to live.

An old person, once asked, what made a successful marriage work said: forget love, it always fades. What's more important is respect and communication.

It's up to you, but, in my humble opinion, with small kids, you can't afford to be a romantic.

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A female reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2007):

BEEN THERE DONE IT agony auntHi there babes,

You poor thing to love someone so much is great but to feel unloved back hurts so so much doesn't it hun? He says he needs some time alone and that he is not sure he loves you, you also mentioned he does a lot of hours at work when he doesn't need to, is he a workaholic, is he suffering depression and hides this in his work?

That must have hurt when he said he didn't want to dissapoint you when you married...Has he ever told you that he loved you babes?

Only you know your husband and a relationship is a two way thing not one way, you have children together does this not mean anything to him? I think you really need to let him know the deep down pain he is causing you no matter what the out come as its not fair on you hun.

If he does want to be on his own it will take time babes for you to move on but better you move on than keep feeling like you do its not fair on you, you have so much love to give and you deserve to get so much love back..

Who knows he may actually realise that he does love you but needed that kick up the back side when you finally let him know you can't keep punishing yourself like this, (hoping and praying that one day he will love you back... )

You be strong darling I know its easier said than done but you really really deserve the best in life and right now your not getting back what you give so kindly in love...

I really wish you all the love and happiness that you rightly deserve, let me know how you get on sweet

Love Donna xx

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