A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my current bf for nearly 4 years and we've always had great fun together and I know we both feel very strongly about eachother. We moved in together in December and everything has been great, up until three days ago.He came back from a night out about 2am, and for some reason I'd been laying in bed mulling over how recently we don't seem to go out and do much stuff together anymore and how little affectionate things seem to have disappeared. I know it was. dreadful timing but when he came back I'd been thinking about this for so long I had to say something.So I did, he just wanted to sleep and kept saying sorry and that I didn't have to bring it up right now and didn't realise he'd stopped being affectionate or that it was a problem. Then he brought up that he thought I had trust issue because I found it weird that he had two close female friends at his workplace one of which I know he messages occasionally but it genuinely is harmless. I am insecure I guess so I find it weird that he can have close female friends and not fancy them or vice versa.Then the next day we barely spoke and he was all quiet and distant, I said what's up you're never normally this quiet? And he didn't acknowledge that at all and said 'Oh it's just warm and I'm a bit sleepy' I knew this was bull as we're never stuck for stuff to say usually no matter what they weather is!We went to a trip into town and a bite yo eat the following day and he was a bit better but still not his fun self and it was a real struggle to maintain a conversation. When we got home he hung around for a bit, didn't speak much and then went out to play some golf on his own.I don't know what to do! I can't bring it up again as he won't tell me what's bothering him. It just seems ever since I raised the issue of us not doing stuff together and I feel like the affection is gone he's just gone all weird. I even ended up going on a trip to this cool lake on my own because he was busy, but when I came back I said next time you should come along! He was game and then said the car journey was too long (2hrs).I honestly feel trapped, all I want to do is see it go back to the way it was and I don't understand why he's gone so off and distant with me over this. I now feel depressed when he's around because he's just not talking to me like he did even 5 days ago!I hate to say it but I did cry when I told him how I felt, and the next day too when he got all distant. I could t help it because it shocked me. He didn't know how to react to it so did nothing, so not su're if that's freaked him out.Also this got to me too, in the heat of the moment I said, 'I still care for you like I did since day one' and he said 'icant remember how I felt on day one' so pedantic. He's the one that chased me for 8 months! I'm just so confused, I don't know what he wants anymore now as everything seemed so fine until the other day.
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female
reader, Mistresskiki +, writes (29 July 2014):
Umm, I just read your original post, and then your follow-up. To be brutally honest, it sounds as though he either got together with someone on his night out, feels guilty and has withdrawn because of that, or got together with someone and DOESN'T feel guilty and realises tht he genuinely doesn't have feelings for you.I would, personally, agree with the previous people and say that he is looking to leave - and soon. The teariness feels like manipulation, especially when combined with the "lets be friends" (which usually means "can I still have sex with you while I look for your replacement?").Be the grown up - he is obviously NOT - and end it, change the locks (if it is your place) and spend some time with yourself and move on. There is no longer a relationship to salvage - if there was he'd have mentioned any issues way before this. All this is is him being 'a nice guy' about dumping you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe one thing I'm holding hope on to is that he is hugely lacking in self confidence and self worth. It's either one of two things, he is trying to test my feelings and see how much I still care because he has done this before with other situations.It's because I said that I feel like we're two friends sharing a house and I want us to have more quality time together. I said some other things I'm notproud of in the heat of the moment, and him being more sensitive than I'm even aware of has taken this very deeply indeed.He basically repeated everything I said the other night and kept saying it was all his fault and he's to blame for everything going wrong and that this is what happened with his ex and then he started crying.From that I thought well if I comfort him and tell him I'm not going anywhere I'm here foe you that'll make him feel better, but all kept saying was that it's unfair on me to have to sit at home while he's out playing football 4nights a week which I don't have a problem with as I saiid as long as we have quality time together and as long as I know we still love eachother what's the problem?I said to him if you want to leave me then just say I can't be in limbo. And he said no that's not what I want I just need time to think. So I said well think about what? And he said I don't know.Honestly guys ibdont get it everything's been fine up until 3 days ago and now all of a sudden he's getting weird and analysing everything. It's not like this relationship has been crap or anything, he just has so little self worth.I really don't want to leave him as I still love him dearly so I'm not ready for that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 He wants to break up but is afraid that the true reason is going to hurt you, or that you would think he's a bad person. To be friends means to break up. His way of saying it somehow means he doesn't have time for you but when he does in a blue moon he wants you to be there. Don't accept this treatment. Some people just can't commit because at the beginning it's easy and that it becomes more effortful. They become lazy and can't get themselves to make the other happy.
Try not to find anything's wrong with you. He didn't know what he was saying and it sounded like a long blur. He said it's not like you are friends living together, then he said he wanted to be friends.
If I have to guess he's the type that likes the butterfly feelings at the beginning and wants serial relationships whenever it gets boring.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust had v worrying deep convo with him that has worried. Me I said to him what's uo as he hwant been normal all day today. And he finally said to me that he agrees that he isn't there for me enough and said this is how his previous relationships ended, then he got teary. I said it's ok and hugged. hI'm and he said no it's not it's like we're two friends living together not a couple and that he's to blame for it all. Theb he said oh well I'll be doing more football so I'll see you less and that's not fair on you. I said to him it seems like you're making excuses for me to leave and he said it's not that he just wants me to know that he has a selfish personality trait. Then I said what do you want me to leave and never see eachother again and he was like no We'd be friends and then said again I don't want yo break up I just don't want you yo be unhappy
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 July 2014):
 We guys don't talk about our "feelings" like you gals do so just reviewing his actions of staying out without an excuse or a reason would indicate 'the party's over' or aleast about to be over. Why not try this; leave a notebook and pen on the table and a note sayng "LE me know what's going on or I'll have to assume you are looking to end ourelationship."
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