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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I had my first bf when i was26. He's three years younger than me. We spent four years together and planned to have a family before he dumped me. Its been a year since we broke up. I'm trying to move on. I'm doing okay now, but I know I'm not over him yet. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes I miss the old days. I still cry, not as much as I did though. I loved him with all my heart yet he constantly lied and cheated and he ended our relationship terribly. I don't know why its taking me so long. Perhaps I will never get over him because he's my first? I don't know how I feel about him now. He's my first. He meant so much to me, but he hurt me so much too. How much does your first boy/girlfriend mean to you? Is it better for me that I just forget him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): I had my first relationship at 21 n trying anything new always comes with bumps and bashes lol... However whether it's your first or fourth, you've been emotionally smashed to pieces by a lying, cheating loser- just one of the many cruel people in the world that know how to make you "FEEL" special, when they fancy a bit of you, but actually don't CARE about hurting you, when they fancy a bit of something else... It's always painful to be abused, and that hurt is like being shell shocked- it's not a trauma you get over easily... It WILL take time for you to come to terms with things and make you a little bit stronger in preparation for all the heartache that life brings for all of us. I think what Cindy said was incredibly true- particularly about "why youre attracted to deceptiveness and disloyalty ? Why am I willing to overlook red flags or accept mistreatment ?.." - I was treated like UTTER CRAP by a bloke (as most women are at some point) I pined for him for almost two years, when we only had a month long relationship... This was a couple of years ago... He came on to my friend behind my back, would ignore me completely when He knew I was in need of help, would ban me from where he worked for no reason... Loads of other stuff,- but guess what, one day I remember I was sobbing my heart out- because they know how to make you feel worthless- you feel like WHY do they treat you like this, aren't you WORTH more?? I remember the epiphany I had at that moment- because someone THINKS it's ok to treat a person like junk, it doesn't mean you ARE junk! It's not personal and don't think of it as rejection( which everyone experiences) it's HIS loss, that he's gunna go through his life breaking people, and live a loveless lowly existence. That day WILL come when you feel that weight lift - amd YOUR WORTH a d your happiness does NOT depend on anyone, ESPECIALLY not this piece of vermin.. It's very important for you to feel secure and confident in yourself- you clearly don't have high self worth if you think the diabolical treatment you've received is worth you torturing yourself over.Definitely get some therapy. You clearly have some underlying self- esteem issues, that you just need some help and guidance with. Go to the doctors and explain your feelings. YES move on... Not to anyone else, but YOURSELF.Take care xx -
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Hi I had my first relationship quite late too and it hurt like hell when it ended. But I realize now I'm older and more experienced that it was mainly because I had spent so long not having had a relationship that when I finally got a partner I was in love with the whole idea of being with someone. I, like most people in a first relationship, was naïve, easily impressed and too willing to pretend problems were not there. Also my own insecurities and lack of experience/confidence lead me to cling too tightly to someone I wasn't compatible with. Now I look back and laugh at my idea of love and commitment In my early days of dating. Yes it hurts like hell the first time you have your heartbroken, and it still hurts now when it happens but to a lesser, or a at least different, extent. But with experience and age comes maturity, more rational thinking and a more philosophical outlook. Relationships are a bit like cars. Like most young people I rushed into buying my first car and the excitement run away with me. It was only after the novelty had worn off that I realized I had bought an over priced, rusting, accident damaged pile of cack. When I bought my second and third cars I realized how basic, unresponsive and badly handling my first one was, yet at the time my first car seemed fine. Life, love, sex, etc tends to follow the same kind of pattern for most of us.For me, having being lonely and sad for all my adult life having never had a girlfriend, when my first came along I was naively hoping for a fairy tale ending. A sort of "this was meant to be and this is why I've waited so long" type of feeling. I look back now with the knowledge that I was being idealistic, and, having had further relationships, understand that my first one was simply about finding my feet and maturing. I learnt to be less consumed by my quest for love and commitment and be more relaxed about it. Most of us do. Will you be able to move on? of course you will!! Its just about learning form your experience and finding someone decent and better. I agree with Cindycares that maybe you need to think about the kind of man you are attracted to and why you stayed with someone who treated you badly.Best of luckMark
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Oh firsts are so overrated :). I know that " first cut is the deepest ", as Rod Stewart would say, but it only seems so, because you are just cutting your teeth relationshipwise. It's a trial and error process, and a first is generally .. more error than trial, and , often, as in your case, implies dating a " bad boy " who cheats lies disrespects etc. It stings now, but when the first shock is over ( which, I am being honest, can take a LONG time ) you start thinking with your brain rather than just with your heart and hormons, and start asking yourself some interesting questions, like : Uhm... why am I attracted to deceptiveness and disloyalty ? Why am I willing to overlook red flags or accept mistreatment ?.. What can I do to be less impulsive/ naive / undemanding in my next choice ? Do I deserve something better, do I WANT something better ?... Am I REALLY attracted to scumbags, ( and what this says about my values, in case of a yes ! ), or maybe ego / insecurity / social pressure have something to do with that ?... and so on and so forth.
So, hopefully, you start choosing better, and handling your relationships better, and the second one is a better guy, and even if it does not work, the third is even better.... in a live and learn process. Until you hopefully, find your true love for happily ever after. Or , also ( still being honest ) maybe you don't, some times, but at least you can comfort yourself with the awareness that you have lived HEALTHY nurturing nourishing relationships that maybe did not last forever, but at least did not bring into your life shame humiliation turmoil , after the first one with your typical liar/ cheater/ user.
In this I see it just like the ancient Greece philosopher who said that " love " can only be love of what is good.
The problems is that love and appreciation for what is good , honest,harmonious, genuine, ... is an acquired taste, most of the times. At first one starts " loving " ( read , being infatuated / intrigued / excited by )struggle conflict competition insecurity.. and all the things which come with loving someone who does not love you.
It just sounds more intense, more adventurous, more fun this way, uh ? :)
Advise , cut the b.....it about " my first lost love "- make it your first, and possibly ONLY, traitor, manipulator, and jerk. CHANGE the glasses with which you are looking at reality, and reality will change under your nose quite fast.
In case it wasn't clear : yes, you DO have to move on !! what else were you planning to do, cling all your life to the memory of someone who kicked your butt badly ?!
That you might have trouble moving on , since it was a longish relationship, and all you've known in terms of men and dating so far,- it's normal and natural. That it may take you still a while to heal, ditto. But that you wonder IF you should move on... come on, OP! Time to get a grip !
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