A
male
age
41-50,
*m1962
writes:Thanks so much in advance for your insight(s).After years of quick flings, NSAs and not-quite-rights, (I'm 47) I all but shut down my sexual activity and adpoted a "been there done that" mentality, I'm recently re-inspired.I believe that I have finally found a long-term partner.1)thoughtful2)intelligent3)sexy4)loyalProblem is that we met through a mutual friend while engaging in PNP. I told this man from the get-go that I want him and not the PNP.Its been 5 months seeing one another without any disloyalty.Recently, I had the urge to PNP so put some feelers out on chat boards, etc...While I did not go through with any dates or contacts I think that my new love has been tipped off by someone about my "feelers". I am devastated and embarrassed, since I *am* loyal at heart, didn't do anything and I don't know how to address the seemingly awkward situation. Not truly knowing who it was or how he may have found out.I really need to tell this man that he's the only one for me and to explain the situation (or do i?) without hurting him or losing his trust.My vision is to be with this man as a companion through thick and thin, monogamous or not. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (31 October 2009):
 Most welcome and thanks for the followup!:)
A
male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again so much to everyone. I posted a new question: how to initiate the conversation as I now "put it out there" about my activity.
Appreciate all of you, thx.
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A
male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the question...but I chose to confess briefly over email and assured him that nothing happened and that I'd like to talk about "things".
I had to address it as he didnt' directly say anything which hurts the most.
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male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm thinking of sending him a link to this question as my way of breaking the ice.
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A
male
reader, q1605  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Your friend ratting you out issue has to come and go. I know a guy that won't talk to his brother. Been this way for years. The brother didn't fix a tail light on the car he borrowed and the police pulled him over and gave him a DWI. He blames his brother. Couldn't have been the guy was driving shit faced. Oh that's just a technicality.
That's a bit of an extreme example. But the flaw in the thought process is the same. Your guy is glad your friend ratted you out, so it is a matter of perspective.
Cupidislandgal. The thing with two guys is that you have two men and the libido's men share. There are a lot of men that think the same way as this and are straight, but being with a woman we have to temper the penis self talk because you women really don't get the 24/7 testosterone tug. The f all day all the time. Two guys can be more up front because they can look each other in the eye and both know the other feels the same tug from the penis, and don't have to keep it all under cover. Sorry to off on a tangent here but I thought this might be a good place for her to hear this. And yes, I agree, if we all want to stand on our libido and pretend it isn't in the back ground acting up and being all unruly then we will need all the therapy we can get. LOL
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A
male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again, I feel honored for all the attention and it's really helpful since yes I did feel quite confused.
The way he responded was to drop hints, the best I could do was drop hints back since there is no solid evidence that I have been busted. My hint to him was that I may have fantasies but don't act on them.
He seemed sort of sad and preoccupied when we were together last, tho lit up when I assured him that there's no-one else and its either him and me or the "palm twins" and me.
We really *do* need to talk. That's what I'm going to have to tell him first, as I don't dare tell him this over email or phone. I want to be physically with him at the time, as difficult as that may be.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
That makes more sense; you were prepared to give up something to be with him, but thought he wasn't giving it up to be with you and while you don't fault him for wanting it, it would have been nice to know for sure so you have enjoyed the same. I can understand that feeling very well.
As for the busybody - I wouldn't focus on him. He was merely a catalyst for a conversation that needed to be had. His ulterior motives are his own toxin to live with.
You haven't given us any indication how your partner has responded to this recent discovery.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
 Your ex-friend being a busybody is a moot point. It distracts from your feelings of guilt. You have to address why you feel that way and where the relationship is going.
With all due respect, I am starting to get confused by your posts. They are unclear. If your head is as unclear than you need to think about what you want (as quiet-echo suggested) BEFORE you talk.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter having thought about all your excellent feedback I'd say that the core of my issue is that we need to talk.I felt that perhaps he was "doing it" (saw definite signs) elsewhere, and while hurt I also realized that YES I do feel that the relationship is solid enough regardless.The big question I still have yet to answer is how to tactfully address the awkwardness of this (ex)friend being somewhat of a busybody. OR - am I unconsciously trying to shift focus away from my being naughty.To clarify: I *don't* feel the need to pnp with him at all, he likes it - tho - and has difficulty feeling comfortable without it. I'm happier with him without that crap.
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A
female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
 have you two discussed what you are looking for in a relationship! If you both are ok with the nsa and pnp scene then there isnt a valid reason for him to be upset. If you were both claiming to be commited then i think you owe him an explanation as well as an apology. I have said this many times to other people but i think you need to have a long talk. Every good relationship must have a foundation of trust. Hope that helps ;).
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A
female
reader, cupidislandgal +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Can you please tell me more about your feelings and how long you have been online doing these things and if you are scared bcause you think u met the right one and doing this to comfort you!!!!!!!!IM SO CONFUSED!!!! I want to know how your minds think...because I figure If my BF was happy and content with our sexual relationship like he says WHY WHY WHY does he feel the need to look at gay porn and sites and text ts/tg/tv's.... I feel so less a woman because of what he did ........how do you get past this and IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU ADDICTS TO GET PASSED IT?? Im hurt as im sure your companion is too!PLEASE HONESTLY EXPLAIN YOUR MOTIVES!!!
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A
female
reader, cupidislandgal +, writes (30 October 2009):
Read my post..OMG..am going thru similar thing but I must say it pisses me off that you guys do shit like that (compulsions) and dont take into consideration how it will affect your mate!! Mine tells me he does it for THRILLS but I cant help wonder if thats a crock... Im really starting to doubt his loyalty...and just let me tell this.. I FEEL VERY BETRAYED and I think its ok because everything we do starts in the mind and then proceeds to acting upon a thought and then it has taken control of your life!!!!!!!!! He says he wont ever do it again but if its a sickness you will do it again and you will betray the TRUST of the one u supposedly LOVE!! Sooooo whats a girl to do..hmmmm.....I think we are just a bunch of selfish self centered human beings who care about no one but our own desires and compulsions.I think we all should seek professional help! Good Luck !
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
Your follow up came through after I sent my most recent post.
Ok, the way it looks to me is in your view the fact that you feel secure enough to explore and seek occasional excitement elsewhere is proof that your relationship is solid. Your partner, however, sees this as a sign that the relationship is ending.
The first step in communicating this effectively to your partner is to communicate it clearly to yourself. You told us that you were receptive to whatever arrangement worked for HIM. Now tell us what works perfectly for YOU? If you could have everything you wanted without hurting anyone else, what would it be? What does your ideal life look like?
Answering that question on your own does not mean you have to force it all into action now. It's a starting point. A rough draft.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
It's time for a conversation, however you have breached the relationship rules and it may take a LOT of time and effort to repair the damage (rebuild the trust).
I wonder why you did not initially express to him that you wished to engage in a play and party event (or is it party and play?). Why did you not ask him how he felt about doing so, considering the success you were having together in a relationship and put "feelers" out to see if he was interested in participating? You met him in that kind of atmosphere. It would not have been a big leap to assume he might have been ok with it, if included.
We can't, however, go back and change the past. You owe your new love a BIG apology and an explanation. Be candid and explain what you want from him. Then leave the ball in his court to respond. Explain that you should have gone to him first instead of having him find out the way he did and that you will not do that again.
You may find he is interested in the same level of “monogamy” as you are.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
Actually I can address that now after all.First monogamy means being married to (or in a relationship with) one person at a time. It is not the same as sexual exclusivity.You may not have cheated physically, but by putting out feelers you were positioning yourself to do just that. Even if you had no intention of following through, leading yourself into temptation jeopardizes the sexual exclusivity you have agreed to with your partner. So in fact you did violate the terms of your relationship.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (30 October 2009):
I am about as slow on the uptake as honey pours at the south pole. It took me about 27 seconds to google those two acronym's. C'mon guys? It took you longer to type a what does NSA and PNP mean? than it takes to google it. I think some of you guys that are so bound and determined to exhibit profound care and respect, and claim to be all about the poster and their questions, saw a guy ask about a guy and would rather imply he is stupid or somehow defective.
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A
male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ought to have said:"monogamous or not" means that I'm open to whatever works with him, we have yet to verbalise to what degree we are "open" or not.monitoring: NO, I believe it to be a mutual friend who generally lives on those types of internet sites. I do not talk to this person anymore and he truly hates me. So my b/f sent me an email saying that so and so sent him a curious message about "privacy" on those sites. This is where I believe I was busted.what would I have done? I *did* receive enticing replies, all the while realizing that I wouldn't be able to follow through. I did make arrangements with a few and cancelled as I couldn't go through with it.
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male
reader, mm1962 +, writes (30 October 2009):
mm1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ought to have said:"monogamous or not" means that I'm open to whatever works with him, we have yet to verbalise to what degree we are "open" or not.monitoring: NO, I believe it to be a mutual friend who generally lives on those types of internet sites. I do not talk to this person anymore and he truly hates me. So my b/f sent me an email saying that so and so sent him a curious message about "privacy" on those sites. This is where I believe I was busted.what would I have done? I *did* receive enticing replies, all the while realizing that I wouldn't be able to follow through. I did make arrangements with a few and cancelled as I couldn't go through with it.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
NSA - no string attached
PNP - play and party
In other words you posted ads seeking other men and now your partner, who thought he was in a committed monogamous relationship, is upset.
Putting out feelers tends to do that.
Before I can address that any further, let me ask you; what would you have done had you received any enticing takers?
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A
female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
i dont understand what you are talking about. NSA and PNP? Acronyms im good at making up words to fit but i doubt if i would be even close! And if monogamy isnt an issue, why the panic?
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A
female
reader, TalkingHelps  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I am not sure that you being loyal at heart makes a damn difference dear, as you seem to have contradicted that by your internet use! I mean if you think of him as your longterm partner, why do that bozo!?!
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A
female
reader, bitch +, writes (30 October 2009):
PNP???? NSA???? ok why couldn't you spell the entire word if you can spell every other word in this post? Anyways, I am guessing that pnp is an online dating service? if so you should not have been on there if you are happy enough in your current relationship. What if this guy was on the pnp behind your back? What would you think? Put yourself in your partners shoes, and if you really like this person, don't do it again EVER. And I am not sure how you explain it to him but maybe you should say you werent sure about him... that is what it seems like to me.
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A
male
reader, duce00 + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
 Pardon me for being a little slow but what are NSA's and PNP's?
As for getting busted. You might have done some real damage with your internet activity. You did not really go into why you were "putting your feelers out" on the internet. That is really the matter here because you would not have been window shopping if you were happy.
I think the fact that he caught you like he did is interesting. Does this mean he was monitoring you or that he was on the same sites...that would shed some light on the whole matter too.
You said that you wanted to be with this man "monogamous or not". I am not quite sure what to make of that considering the matter at hand.
It would be nice to get a little more background before I really chime in on this one. I hope you don't mind me being rather dense about some of it.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (30 October 2009):
You have no alternative but to explain yourself and make sure he knows that maybe you were experiencing a bit of the cold foot. Let him know it was short lived and that nothing did or would have happened. Then deliver on what ever promises you make to him.
If monogamy is what you want. Monogamy is what you will have to give.
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A
female
reader, katyayni  + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
 HI
Tell him as much. It is high time that you had a wonderful relationship!
So, go for it!
Best of Luck
Love :)
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