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I don't accept his reasons for not wanting to date me.

Tagged as: Dating, Online dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2018)
A female China age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi

I've been having problems with a guy and I want any advice to understand the way he is acting.

I met him online many months ago maybe 5 months ago. It was a dating app so obviously that is the reason people are on there. However he will not have a relationship with me.

When we first started talking, I told him I didn't allow boys to become my boyfriend and I was happy by myself and just wanted to make friends. but that was just because it was early and we'd just met.

we talked a lot about all sorts of things and I felt we were getting closer. I often told him that he should find a girlfriend from his own country (ie not me) and that I should also find one from mine. There are many obstacles as I have to return to my country after studying and I told him that often.

We planned for him to visit me on my birthday but I sort of presumed he wouldn't so made plans with another guy, but he did and then I had to change the plans to see him. I told him I liked the other guy but because it would become long distance it was a waste of time. this was to test his reaction but he seemed to just accept it.

Eventually we met, it was really nice and we both had a great time. just as we were saying goodbye, someone called him on his phone. a girl who seemed to be asking for help with some university assignment.

That made me angry and I asked him to tell me everything about that girl and any other girls he talks to. I was still not happy so didn't talk to him for 4 days. After this I sent him a message that we needed to talk and I asked him to start a serious relationship with me.

He said he was not ready and he had only met me once before, I pushed him to say yes or no and he said no.

Since then we would talk occasionally and I told him that I was crazy to say that before and we were just friends. I asked a friend to add him on WhatsApp and pretend she was worried about me to see what he said. He said he was sorry I was sad and hoped I would feel beter soon.

So now its about 4 months later.

However I still wonder about the girl who called him, so I told him that a girl who didn't reveal her name messaged me and told me to stay away from him. I made it up to see if he would confess and he told me has no idea who that would be.

He also calls someone every night, he told me its his mother but I don't believe him. so I kept asking him to be honest with me and he got a bit annoyed with me. he showed me screenshots that show the calls with his mum but they could be edited.

then I begged him to change his mind and date me and he told me it would be cruel to say yes if he didn't feel it, but I don't know how any one could be so emotionless to refuse me when I cry and beg.

I asked him if he likes me and he said no. He said he was interested at first but my behaviour put him off and he thinks I may be a bit demanding and possessive and he was sure I was not interested in him so he didn't allow anything to develop. I don't accept that. I think he already has a gf or likes another girl.

what do you think?

View related questions: long distance, university

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2018):

You strike me as a drama queen. You're testing a guy who you don't even have a relationship with? Wow.

I think you'll find that people will like you better if you don't assume bad things about them.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (7 February 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhich part of your behaviour towards him did you think would endear you to him and make him think he would like to date you?

Sister, you have serious issues.

Have you ever watched the film "Fatal Attraction"? If so you will know what a bunny boiler is. That is the term which sprang to mind when I read your post.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (7 February 2018):

I'm sure the other answers already let you have it, but OH MY GOD!

He'd be crazy to date you. You have to chill out! Forget about him, next time don't lie, don't make up stories, don't "test" the guy, don't beg, don't manipulate, etc.

Instead of those being told for you to start a relationship, they are handicaps that will make any guy with a shred of common sense avoid you.

If you can afford to go to counseling you should.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 February 2018):

I think I like his answer.

"He said he was interested at first but my behaviour put him off and he thinks I may be a bit demanding and possessive and he was sure I was not interested in him so he didn't allow anything to develop."

I hope he does have another girl.

You're upset because he doesn't jump when you say jump, or rollover when you say rollover.

You need an attitude-adjustment. You're very full of yourself.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (6 February 2018):

Ciar agony auntI think you're unstable, manipulative, extremely self centred, sneaky and deceptive. And that he made the right choice, if a bit late.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2018):

Oh my word. You, young lady, are the type of female that give women a bad name. You lied, you tricked, you mistruthed- all in the name of 'testing' him.

From the start you told him you didn't want relations with him, yet it seemed you were trying to mould him to your needs. Now he's not chasing after you and you're angry? You exist in a different world to most people out there.

I advise you this- maybe he has another girl. But that doesn't change the fact that you are manipulative and possessive, and that's the real reason why he doesn't want you. You're lucky he gave you the decency to take the time and tell you so himself. If I were him, I'd have blocked you from every form of contact we ever had.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (6 February 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI agree with honeypie. You're childish, playing games and testing him. Those kinds of tactics don't go over too well with most people. And think again if you think that a man will fall for you just because you cry and beg. Most men will shake their head walk away and thank God they didn't get involved with you. Grow up sweets if you want a real relationship

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (6 February 2018):

N91 agony auntHonestly? You sound extremely childish.

YOU told him you didn't want a BF. YOU told him to find another GF. You organised to make plans then YOU made plans with another guy and then you had the cheek to fly off the handle because he's speaking to other girls? YOU told him to for goodness sake what were you expecting?

Give your head a shake woman.

Then you involve your friend into playing games with him. You said yourself you're on a dating site for that very purpose so why lie and say you weren't interested? If anything you're the problem here, this guy has done nothing wrong but what you've told him to do.

I'd of behaved in the exact same manner as this guy and agree with everything he said about you. Why would you want to have to beg someone to date you? What kind of relationship would that be out of pity?

You have ALOT of growing up to do. Stop acting like a spoilt brat like he should HAVE to date you because you turned on the waterworks. Life doesn't work like that and this guy realised that you would be a lot of hard work and i completely stand by his viewpoint.

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