A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong for me to dislike my boyfriend because he is low income? I live with both parents who have good jobs and I get allowance. I should be getting a job at the age of 20 but I am in college. My boyfriend is 23 and in college as well but doesn't get any allowance because he lives with a single mother. He is always financially dependent on me for things such as food. He rarely buys himself new clothes. His mother gets money from the government. It's none of my business but she buys herself nice things at times. I am worried about the future because my boyfriend doesn't even want a part time job. I will get a full time job after college. Should I stop thinking about the future so much? I just hate having to provide for him all the time. I am sometimes struggling to provide for myself.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2016):
 You should be thinking about the future, and about the present too. You are being taken advantage of, in fact, it ends up that at only 20 years of age, basically you are already got yourself a boytoy. I'd be curious to see if and how long he sticks around if you stop any financial support.You parents give you money, which I don't find anything strange about, since you are still very young, they can easily afford it and you are a full time student. Your parents have CHOSEN to let you focus on your studies only ,and I imagine they will be GLAD to provide for all your needs , including the recreational ones.
Here's the catch though. I don't think your parents object to you spending money for movies, theath+re, sports , trips or whatever you do for fun and recreation. If they are Wworth their salt as parents, though, they will object to you spending money on men , to get sex , affection and attention. That's totally dispiriting at your age.
What are you saying ?, it's nothing like that ?, he loves me, he'd be with me even if I never gave him a red cent ? Perhaps. Interesting experiment. I suggest you try.
You see, life is not fair, and society is not fair and there are many things that should change, and maybe they will in time, but as of now it is what it is :
YOU can afford to go to school and not seek a full or part-time job.
HE simply cannot afford it. He needs to go to school AND to get a job. And maybe he would have no other resort than doing just that , if you stopped enabling him and babying him and feeding him. ( And that he lets you do that with no qualms, IMO, says a lot about the person he is, but that's another story ).
Your brilliant solution is, that he stops mooching from you , and starts mooching from his mom. OP, seriously ?!
First his mother is on benefits , you can't compare your situation where you can have no scruples in fishing in your parents' pockets, and are in fact welcome to do it- and HIS situation. Second he is frigging 23 y.o., healthy and ablebodied ! If his mother can occaionally buy herself " nice things "- I doubt it, if she lives on government handouts- it's precisely because she does NOT have to support any children. She is not expected to do it , neither legally nor morally nor socially.
Now- honestly let me tell you that, although Americanized :) I am still an Italian, and no Italian woman could stand to see her son hungry or starving, - at 23 or 43 or 63. So, in a way, yeah I get what you mean, if he needs food why does not she give him food ?has she got ice in her veins ?.... BUT on the other hand, I am pretty sure she would not really let him starve if there were no other solution... luckily there's a solution... he's got that rich, meek, harebrained ( sorry ) gf that can provide from him...
Isn't it ironic ?- you want him to mooch from Mom, and Mom- you can bet on this - wants him to mooch from you, or some other naive gf.
It's like the Festival of Entitlement here !
Put a stop on this, and stop paying ( thereby stopping also ripping off your parents )
Your problem is not that he is low income, it's that he wants to stay low or zero income until theer's some sucker who is willing to foot the bill !
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 July 2016):
 Honeypie said something that really struck a chord in me, and I should have thought of it myself...
You're not providing for yourself either. How are YOU going to learn self-sufficiency if you get an allowance from your parents at age 20 (you're not a kid anymore) and then instead of respecting how hard your parents work for that money, you turn it over to your boyfriend? You need to grow up as well, and you don't respect money the way a 20-year old should.
Have you told your parents that you are giving their money or the food that this money buys to a guy?? If the answer is "no", then you're in effect stealing from your parents. They are giving you an allowance for a purpose - to provide for YOU. You aren't struggling to provide unless you're going to work and earning it yourself.
Not only that, but your BF is 23 years old! Why would you expect his mom to GIVE him an allowance at age 23?? At 23, he should be OUT of college unless he's working on his Master's degree OR a doctorate, in which case, he really needs to be learning what it's like to be an adult.
You are stealing from your parents with every dollar or provision you're giving him. It's dishonest and wrong. I'm not talking about inviting the guy over once in awhile and cooking for him. I'm talking about buying him food (or letting him raid your pantry or fridge over and over again), giving him money, buying him clothes, and so on.
What is it to you what his mother buys?? Again, HE IS AN ADULT! She could buy Rolex watches, and he's not entitled to ANYTHING! He's not a child. I got allowances when I was 10 years old. My parents stopped giving me money when I turned 15 and got my first job. And even when I was getting an allowance ($1.75 per week), I had lots of chores to do perfectly before getting any of that money.
YOU are at an age where your parents' jobs are NOT your lifestyle. YOU are not well off. Your parents are. They spent a lifetime building up their careers and income to get to where they are today. You are undermining your ability to do the same when you take the allowance your parents give you and give it to a boyfriend in any form or amount.
YOU need to grow up. You are thinking like a child when it comes to your choice in guys, and especially how you value and treat money. You should be budgeting and saving and learning about investing, life insurance, commodities, stock, different savings options, and so forth. How can you do any of that when you have a guy whose greatest contribution to you is his ability to siphon YOUR PARENTS' hard-earned money out of you? What a waste. What a scam on your parents. You're mistreating your parents. You're letting a guy talk you and guilt you into mistreating your parents and stealing from them.
There's a term called "earmarked" when it comes to money. In the legal world, it may have to do with your employer giving you money for supplies, or if you got a grant from the government to help pay rent or buy books, it's ILLEGAL to use that money for uses other than what it's EARMARKED to be used for. If your employer gave you $100, and you spend $90, they expect the $10 surplus back. Buying a coffee with it will get you fired for theft.
Likewise, Social Security, say you get food stamps to buy food to care for a child, but you sell the EBT card money to someone for cash to buy alcohol with. That will get you criminally and civilly in very hot water for stealing from the government penalties varying on which state you live in.
You need to stop. Or, get a job so you are not defrauding your parents.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2016): "Is it wrong for me to dislike my boyfriend because he is low income?"
Yes. You should dislike him because he is a lazy, unmotivated slacker who'd rather mooch off his girlfriend (or more accurately her parents) than get a job.
"Should I stop thinking about the future so much?"
No, you should start thinking about the future even more because as things are he has no incentive to change as long as you keep enabling him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2016): Part of you feels a sense of shame that your boyfriend is from a single parent family and has little money!
I dont think he is the correct person for you because you are aware of this disparity and i think you put up with your boyfriend for good sex rather than love him.No i dont think you should provide for him but as you have food falling out of yourcupboard and fridge i dont think you should begrudge him a meal or two.
Its not uncommon for poorer folk to stretch a meal with a little extra rice and a whole lot of love.
I expect he is terminally hungry and your picture of his future ambitions may be very wrong indeed.
It would be kind of you to drop this guy who eats too much for your liking and get the kind of man you need.
He will get over you !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 July 2016):
 OK so YOUR parents provide for YOU and YOUR BF. That should stop. I'm sure your parents are OK with providing for you, their daughter, but for your BF? Sorry, as a parent myself I would HOPE I had raised my kids to understand the value of money a bit better than that.
You aren't "struggling to provide" for yourself. You are STRUGGLING making YOUR allowance cover you both, and it shouldn't.
HE is 23 and his mom's income is HERS to DO with as she pleases. MAYBE she buys herself nice things because she is trying to SHOW her son that you have to have an income to spend money. (even if her money comes from the government).
I agree fully with YouWish, STOP enabling him. By giving him money you are ENABLING him to not further himself. He is MOOCHING of YOUR parents and THEIR hard work, have some respect for your parents AND yourself.
All the money that you "would" be giving him, SAVE them up for when you are done in college. You might not get a job right out the gate and honestly, you are old enough to think ahead.
I think he has been so used to his mom taking care of him and now YOU doing it, that he has become lazy and complacent. You are NOT his mom/parent, and neither are your parents.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 July 2016):
DO NOT PROVIDE for him! He's a grown man! His mom is dependent on the government, and he's following in her footsteps.
You never let money get into a relationship like this, because it messes up the relationship. Stop providing NOW! How the hell is he ever going to learn self-sufficiency if you are his meal ticket? He loses respect for you, and when he's out of college, he WILL bail on you! I guarantee it.
Women do this kind of crap because they assume that they're investing in the future, and they mistakenly think all of those lovey-dovey promises actually mean something in the light of day. Imagine their shock when the moment the guy gets on his feet that he dumps her for someone who never had to give him money.
Never ever give or loan a single penny to someone who isn't your husband. Not boyfriend. Not fiance. NOT FWB. HUSBAND. Legal documents only, or every single word spoken about a future together is utterly and completely WORTHLESS.
You do not *HAVE* to provide for him. Stop saying you do. You are buying a relationship and are already resenting it. Life is not some Titanic romance about love being the only food we need. Doesn't work that way. You SAVE your money! Let him garner the skills to make it in this world without conning your money out of you. Most kids don't get college allowances! My parents were well off when I was in college, and I WORKED for my money. I existed on 4 hours of sleep per night for years, but every penny I lived on I earned. Your boyfriend needs to GROW UP.
I ate cheaply and had cheap clothes back then. My boyfriend at the time worked a job and went to college as well. We went on cheap dates to dollar theaters, walks at the lake, or we splurged on a 50 cent ice cream cone. I made more than he did because I worked more hours and had a higher wage than he did. I didn't provide a penny to him, and he wouldn't have wanted it. That's emasculating a guy to do that, and a guy who cons money out of a woman in the name of affection is not a man, but a sniveling boy.
Stop enabling him.
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