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I constantly feel jealous about his exes!

Tagged as: Health, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 October 2017) 28 Answers - (Newest, 4 October 2017)
A age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Any advice on how to get past jealousy. My boyfriend has clearly had other girlfriends as we have been together only a few months. Yesterday he said about going to Italy and when I asked who with and he said his ex girlfriend from 8 years ago I feel a pang of upset that he has. I was single for many years before I met him, I chose to raise my child alone after her father left me. He says he loves me, he says he doesn't think about any of his exes and cannot imagine me not being in his life but I constantly feel jealous about his exes. I have promised him I won't ask or go on about them anymore but why do I still feel Insecure

View related questions: ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, jealous

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (4 October 2017):

N91 agony auntThen break up with him.

If he doesn't see an issue with it and you do then what are you expecting to happen?

I must admit I feel quite sorry for your BF.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (4 October 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWhatevahh with him liking facebook pictures, its what facebook is. Your relationship is doomed due to your pig headed refusal to even read, let alone take on board, the advice given here by a variety of people. My only hope is that the guy in question is able to extract himself relatively unscathed.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (4 October 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, stop. You're acting like a jealous teenager. You are toxic for your relationship.

Facebook is Facebook. A like is nothing more than polite and general niceness. I'd get what you mean if she was half naked in the picture or he'd commented something inappropriate, but he hasn't.

You don't trust him. Break up. You don't *want* to trust him because you won't get help. Break up. You are possessive because you don't want him to have female friends. Break up. You can't get over the fact he has a past (JUST LIKE YOU) and deliberately dig for information about his exes, so you can get upset. Break up.

OP, all of the things I just mentioned scream "break up", whether you do it or he does, because you're not mature enough (in regards to jealousy) to handle a relationship. You need to end it, so this poor man can find someone who isn't hell bent on being jealous and possessive. Then you need to get therapy or you will drive yourself and future boyfriends crazy.

You are more than welcome to post here, but absolutely nothing will change for you unless you take our advice.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I had already seen early August he had liked an ex girlfriend's picture on Facebook, and attractive woman who had had an abortion (his). Apart from her and this woman I have seen last night he has liked several attractive single women's pictures and all early August. Sorry but I don't understand if you are with someone why you would do that, I wouldn't. I don't understand as he tells me he doesn't look at other women and only has eyes for me. Liking several single women's pictures contradicts that in my mind.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (4 October 2017):

N91 agony auntSeriously you need to get a grip.

You're acting about 12 years old. I think you need professional help because you're not going to get over this on your own.

I think the best course of action is to break up, get the help you need and work on yourself. You're not ready for a relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017):

Like I said. You're out to sabotage this relationship.

You probably didn't read a word; but that's fine. Others who value good advice will read it.

Best of luck! Hope you can find a man born yesterday!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (4 October 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntoh for God's sake woman .... do you want this relationship to work or not?

they are friends ... on facebook at least, its polite to click like on friend's pictures so unless he actually GUSHED over it there is not a problem.

you are expecting this man to completely wipe out his history and start wearing blinkers because of your insecurities.

Go seek professional help, before your jealousy pushes him away altogether!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We went out last Saturday and when the landlady from a pub spoke to him while I was at the bar is thought I noticed he looked at her like he found her attractive. I was on Facebook this evening and she came up with mutual friends so I clicked on her profile. My boyfriend had liked her profile picture a couple of months ago, we have been together five months. She states on Facebook she is single. I find it odd that he would like her picture considering he tells me he doesn't look at other women, why did I feel he looked like he found her attractive and then find he likes a pretty picture of her,

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (3 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntOP you are going to loose him. Believe me you will loose him, and not to another woman, and not because he does not love you, but because you will keep going until you push him away.

I honestly feel that you need professional help here. There are deep rooted issues from when your daughters father left you, you have never seemed to have gotten over them and now when someone is in your life you feel you have missed out on so much and probably do not believe that it is you that he wants to be with. You need therapy before you end up destroying your relationship. Also it is not healthy for your daughter at 18 to feel this is a normal way to behave in a relationship. Please seek help, you deserve a happy future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am not coming off the pill i am changing it to another one as the one i am on has got side effects that i feel i have had and i think it has impacted on my state of mind. But i taken all advice on board and been reading articles on the subject so that i can gain an understanding as to why i feel how i do. Thanks again all :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017):

Go to your doctor before coming off the pill; you need to find contraception that works.

If it's as easy for you as just not asking, I don't think you'd be here, but I hope it works. If it doesn't, you need to see a therapist.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He does reassure me, he tells me he doesn't think of them and cannot imagine me not being part of his life. I have also been taking the pill and this has been having an effect on my emotions so I am changing that.

But thank you for all the advice, I know what I need to do, stop asking, because any thoughts of him being with other women I struggle with.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (3 October 2017):

Dionee' agony auntStop asking about his exes. Just stop. You're doing this to yourself because you're digging for information and then you get upset when he is honest. If you really don't want to know then don't ask.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (3 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSo, let's turn this on its head and let me ask you: would you think it was reasonable or logical if your boyfriend was jealous of your daughter's father? Most people of your age will have a past. That does not mean they want to be with any of the partners from their past.

Your boyfriend's ex girlfriends are in his past for a reason. YOU are his present. Enjoy your time together instead of feeling jealous about something he cannot change. His past experiences are what have turned him into the person you love today.

Perhaps you could ask him to give you a hug when you are feeling the pangs of jealousy, just to help reassure you that it is YOU he wants to be with?

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (3 October 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntSo this man hasn't spent the past 40 years in a vacuum, not seeing anything, or speaking with anybody no existence to speak of until he met you .... and then WHAM there he was, a totally blank slate with no history or life experience.

The past helps shape us into the people we are today ... he sounds like a nice man, one who can speak about the women he was involved with in the past without bitterness or rancour. He speaks of them with kindness and respect.

I understand when you say you don't feel good enough or even part of your own family (there are a lot of us out there), but he isn't part of that, he seems to think you are good enough, he has told you he loves you ... relish that, bask in it, close your eyes and think about what a wonderful thing that is .... and all his past relationships while those women were nice enough, they were part of a journey that led him to YOU!

You have to make a conscious effort to accept his past, it made him who he is. Google affirmations and write some up for yourself, read them out loud several times a day, replace the negative messages you have been giving yourself for all those years you were single with some positive ones.

I hope you can overcome jealous tendency, and learn to embrace the here and now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017):

I strongly disagree with the advice to suppress your jealousy and not get therapy - you're clearly past that point and suppressing such intense feelings usually lead to them resurfacing or driving you mad. There's no shame or issue with having a therapist help you learn how to cope with them now, so you can do it alone in the future.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (3 October 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, your daughter may be 18, but you still have a huge influence on her and she will see your jealousy issues.

Please seek professional help before you pass those insecurities on to her and sabotage any otherwise healthy relationships you develop.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017):

Many women have problems with low self-esteem and trust issues that come to this site. The vast majority want to be in a relationship, or want to get married. Maybe have kids.

Welcome to adult-life. There are no guarantees, and we learn life as we live it. There is no manual, no one-size fit's all advice; and sometimes we fail in order to learn to succeed. We grow stronger by facing our fears.

Honestly, it is a total waste of a good man's time dancing around ridiculous insecurities, based on nothing. Damaged- people who prefer to live captives of their pasts; or victims of disappointment. I have been disappointed dozens of times by people. I can still love, and be loved! I try to avoid needing to lie down on a leather couch; trying to find out why I can't cope with everyday-life. We sometimes have to tough it out! We need to listen to what our parents taught us! Life is a bunch of lessons. Trials and errors!

Men are consistently criticized for being commitment-phobic, gay, selfish, or hard to read. Men are stereotyped and characterized by women in the worst ways! There are some rotten jerks that live-up to these stereotypes; but it's not like you're perfect in every way, if you're born with a vagina. Women break hearts, cheat, lie, and have faults too! We all have to settle down! Get a grip! Lets check our foolishness at the door, before we enter a relationship!

Well, look what single available-men find running rampant in the modern dating-pool! Suspicious females who snoop, blame him for what other guys did to her; because she held on to love with someone who totally damaged her. Yet she wants to get married, have kids, and be a family. Oh, really?!!

We've got to get away from being like this. Men and women!

Nobody's perfect! Let go of a man when you see bad traits, learn how to override your emotions in the name of common-sense and self-preservation. Convince yourself to think like a rational and intelligent woman. He has a past. He has lived over 30 years on the planet! Other women know and have loved him.

Jealousy does not define your complete psychological-makeup. You're more complex than that. Use your other emotions.

So you don't let your jealousy takeover your relationship; in the place of love and affection. That's not what he is exchanging his feelings and his time for.

Life is not going to come to a screeching halt to reverse itself to accommodate people who can't use self-control; or discipline themselves not to let their negative-feelings overtake them.

Everybody can't have a personal-therapist to tell us how to live and behave. We have to control ourselves; because that's what civilized adults must do. The only cure for jealousy is ignoring it. Convincing yourself you're as good and better than those women he used to know. You're the present, and they're the past! You're relevant, and they're history!

If it's not body-image issues, it's baggage and drama leftover from past relationships, it's insecurity from porn envy (not his use, but from some other guy); or it's unrealistic expectations that border on crazy.

We have to grab love when it comes our way! Stop trampling all over it the minute it shows up! If it doesn't work-out, you've got the rest of your life to get it right!

We run into disappointments and sometimes we get hurt. Being human and forming relationships with other humans; we also face their imperfections, character-flaws, their weird quirks, and their pasts. Love is evasive enough; but sometimes when you do finally get someone's attention, you have to take it slow to see what happens. You pace your feelings until you know who you are falling for, and why?

You have a past. You are not a virgin, and you have an 18 year-old daughter. You have been married. You made love to men long before you met him. Can you erase every second of your past with other men? Has every man who has ever touched you disintegrated into the atmosphere? He has to take you as you are; and ignore the fact you loved other men. Now do the same for him; so his love for you is worth the effort!

Jealousy is a natural emotion. It also comes from insecurity or low self-esteem. If you can't love yourself, you can't believe anyone else can either. So before dating, we all have to deal with our shortcomings and insecurities. Life requires us to take risks. We pass or we fail. We can also sabotage things and make it a failure. Like allowing our jealousy to overrule every other emotion we have.

As adults, we learn that we have to use thought, logic, and discernment. You don't walk around completely driven by your emotions. Acting willy-nilly on every random impulse; or giving into unsubstantiated fear. Treating other decent human beings trying to love us; like psychopaths waiting to destroy us, and crush our feelings. Sometimes you mess-up a few times. Sooner or later you'll win! You find the prize!

You met someone who cares for you. You can't believe he really cares for you; because you can't believe you're good enough. You can't be everything and every woman; so you can't believe men are human and decent enough to control our sexual-urges. Like all men are on a mission to get girlfriends and wives; just for the purpose of cheating on them. Or we should wait a lifetime alone; until you come along.

You're sabotaging your relationship; so it will have a predictable outcome. He will throw his hands up in frustration with you; while you return his feelings for you with suspicion and distrust. Well, that's conduct that falls under the category of "red-flag" or "deal-breaker" behavior. Lets hope he cares enough to help you through it.

Suppress and control your jealousy. Keep it to yourself. Find ways to distract your thoughts when you feel it rising within you. If you want a man, you'll have to learn to contain and manage your jealousy.

You're not going to find many men today well over 30 who don't have exes. So if your only option is always being alone; I guess you'll have to restrain those jealous feelings. Learn how to trust that you are worthy of love, and you're good enough to be loved by the man you have. If things don't go as planned; you just have to keep trying until it does.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSo you bait him? To feed your jealousy?

(and push him away, because THAT will happen if you keep this ridiculous behavior up)

And when I say bait I mean when he mentions anything in regards to his past you dig around to get to the ex-GF and when he doesn't call her ugly or talk smack about her you get upset? What is wrong with that picture? Trust me a man who is OVER his exes can call them pretty or nice or whatever, someone who has either feelings or a negative view of women, in general, will talk smack about an ex-GF in detail.

If you feel like you are not good enough because of your own family dynamics in the past why in the WORLD are you taking it out on him? How is that fair?

You are NOW a grown woman. Learn some self-control. And consider if you keep that up he will eventually say forget it, this isn't worth it. And he will be right.

This is YOUR issue. Which means YOU need to deal with it. He can't fix it for you by lying about his past.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (2 October 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, you are the problem here. YOU are actually ASKING him about his exes. Just stop. Literally don't speak when you want to ask about one.

Get therapy, OP. You are self-sabotaging and are already driving him crazy.

Your behaviour will teach your daughter. Do you want that for her? If not, get professional help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My daughter is 18 and a half years old so she doesn't come into the equation, but i already posted a response to you Andiesthoughts before i saw you knew what i meant

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No Andiesthoughts, he is not friends with his ex, they went on holiday together when he was with her 8 odd years ago. He is not in any contact with her, we was talking about Italy and i asked him who he had gone with when he had gone

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (2 October 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI take back my response; I thought he was GOING to Italy with an ex!

OP, there really is absolutely NOTHING to be jealous about. He told you about Italy because he enjoyed it - YOU asked who he went with. Don't ask questions if you're not prepared for answers.

It's too soon for you to go away together, but you can still do day trips.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

And no he doesn't talk about them, i ask. But he is honest, so for example when i asked him yesterday what his last girlfriend was like he said he liked her and thought she was pretty and that response makes me jealous. When i ask him why he is honest he says that he has no reason not to be as they mean nothing to him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Things were really bad last week, we didn't see each other at all because i was angry about him buying a woman he liked a couple of years ago an expensive present. I sent him texts saying how angry i was. He has told me we will not work if i cannot move past his past and i have promised i will try and do that.

I did date a few times, but nothing serious. It was my choice when i was younger to not get serious with anyone, my only serious boyfriend was my daughters dad.

I don't regret waiting for the right person but i do feel jealous that he had serious relationships and made memories with them, even though he has told me that he does not think of them. He has told me he loves me and apart from his wife, who he loved at first he has said he never loved the others.

But i know i need to stop being so insecure. I feel it comes from not feeling like i was good enough for anyone and feeling like i wasn't part of my own family. I know he loves me and i am trying my hardest to let the past go but i do find it hard.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (2 October 2017):

N91 agony auntThe only person who can get over this is you and if you don't, believe me you will become another of his exes.

There's only so much a guy can take of being made feel guilty because he had a life before you.

If he didn't want to be with you then he wouldn't. It's quite simple.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe you need to figure out WHERE the root of this jealousy stems.

You say you understand that he had a life before you... but you also seem to resent that fact. He wasn't "preserved in amber" until you met him. HE lived his life.

YOU, on the other hand, made a different choice for a different reason. You CHOSE to stay single and raise your child.

So are you really resentful because YOU didn't live your life for you - or because HE lived his life for him?

Is he constantly talking about them? If not - WHY are you digging through his past (aka trash)?

Do you WANT this relationship to work?

If so, you need to get a grip on yourself and your jealousy. Jealousy helps no-one. Least of all, YOU.

Make NEW memories with him. Don't wade around in HIS old ones. Who cares if he saw Italy with an ex-GF? Or won a pie-eating contest with another ex-GF?

WHO is he with now?

*hint hint* you.

WHY do you think he is with you?

*hint hint* because he cares FOR you.

How long do you think he will want to be with someone who can't deal with his past?

*hint hint* not long if you keep it up. It's draining and it makes a person feel unloved.

Come on. Use your noggin.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (2 October 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI think therapy could help you come to terms with it, but only if he's platonic with this ex and not in a FWB-type relationship. It's odd, but if they really have only been friends for the last 8 years, I can understand them going on a holiday as friends.

Details are important here, though:

- Separate rooms?

- When was it booked?

- Was it booked for them or is one of them filling in because someone else couldn't make it?

Ultimately, it comes down to your gut instinct. As a woman with a child, it's too soon to go away with him, but you also have to be careful what men you bring into your life and hers.

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