A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello this may seem long but I need some advice, last august me and my boyfriend of just under a year had sex, the condom split, I went to the Drs and got the morning after pill which I was told is 99% effective, turns out it didnt work and I fell pregnant, we decided due to the fact I already have 2 children under 5 from a previous relationship and the fact one of them has a rare condition not to chance another child, also he really was a million percent against it where as I was unsure, it made our relationship near end, although ultimately my decision also, i felt slightly pressured and a hell of a lot of guilt about my decision.He moved on with life and I struggled daily, kids had never been apart of our life plans, we only ever wanted to work hard and make sure my two children had the best life possible.In October, he was having a lot of issues at home with his family huge arguments because his brother doesnt like me beause i have children, he took my side and told his brother where to go and on top of that I was constantly crying and had depression, I couldnt cope with the guilt and we argued non stop. It all got too much for him and he decided we needed a "break".Its now march and we have managed to salvage the relationship and although not perfect, we've become close again and and are planning to buy a house together next year so potentially the four of us can live "happy ever after" as such.Heres my main question (sorry for the rant) Yesterday he left his ipad at my house, i know i shouldnt of but I snooped through a message of his to his best friend, it was a message from october when we were on our break saying how unhappy he was and in his own words "its bad to think im just waiting for something better to come along, I just hate being single and im still looking for that one girl who makes me happier than ive ever been". I obviously told him what id done and confronted him, he was mad I had been through his ipad, as he would be and id never done it before, he said back then he did hate/love me and I blamed him for everything we'd been through he thought it was just a matter of time before I left him as I was so angry, he said he doesnt feel like that anymore and if he did he wouldnt be with me nearly 5 months later, he explained that our relationship was a mess and he was in a bad way he said he was a d*ck and he didnt mean it, he ended the argument with "its your choice, I cant cope with anymore arguing all I can say is sorry, if you want to end things its up to you, of course I love you, all the love i lost came back we were in a bad place and i think youre amazing and im sorry i hurt you, i really didnt mean to"What am I supposed to do? this guy means everything to me and I just feel so hurt. I understand where he's coming from but how do I move on from this? I feel betrayed by the guy who meant everything to me.again, sorry for the essay.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 March 2016):
 I think Chigirl's comparison with a diary is on point.
When we have problems with a partner, friend, child, family-member, acquaintance, co-worker, whatnot... we sometimes need to vent. Sometimes we need to talk it over with someone who is NOT in that situation, be it a friend, family member OR our diary.
What you did was not OK. To go through HIS ipad and then reading a PRIVATE conversation he had with someone else. Sorry, it's just not OK. Same as going through someone's diary. I don't know why people seem to think in this day and age, that a GF/Fiance/Wife have the "RIGHT" to violate their partner's privacy and then USE what they find to start an argument.
Have you ever said or felt things you know wasn't exactly fair? I think we all have. Sometimes it's because we don't WANT to see the truth, or to admit it. Sometimes it's a little random. So was his vent with his friend.
But right now... THAT is besides the point.
YOU read something 5 months old. From a time where your relationship was a TOTAL mess. It was so bad that he NEEDED a break from it and you. Of course his feelings are all over the place. And of course YOUR feeling were all over the place. You are 22-25 with 2 kids to take care of. THAT can't be easy. And I'm sure I have had NEED to vent too. Having to terminate a pregnancy is not something people do for grins and giggles. It's HARD (most on the woman) but it might have been hard on him too. He failed to protect you from that.
Now as it stands the PAST should BE in the past. If he REALLY meant what he said, do you think he would have come back to you to try and make it work? When he could "happily" let you go and move on to a "less complicated" girl? No, he realized YOU are the one he loves and want to be with. ERGO he is with you.!
It's time to either STAY in the past or move forward. Moving forward means old shit needs to be tossed out, not recycled.
Also, consider some better birth control. For both of your sake.
Chin up.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 March 2016):
 First let me say that I understand how this feels. This is one of the reasons one should never snoop, because what is being said/written to others were never intended for YOU to know, and as such is NOT filtered to take your feelings into consideration, and thus is bound to HURT YOU. No matter what was said, it would have hurt you, because the mere fact that someone discussed you behind your back is hurtful. Even though I am 100% sure you have done it multiple times yourself.
So, here's the trick in how to deal with it. And I wish you'd have come to us on dearcupid before confronting him, because this entire fight and extra pain could have been avoided.
The trick is to remind yourself of the reality. When feeling hurt and betrayed, you are allowing irrelevant information and false illusions to take control. You react as if he said this about you NOW to his best friend and showed it to you to hurt you. This is how you react, which is how anyone would react, because this is your current reality as you see it. You read it NOW, not last October. Thus you perceive the text as something recent and true, and NOT as what it actually is: something passing and that has been dealt with long time ago and no longer exists in his mind.
Ranting to our friends is what helps us deal with our feelings and helps us understand our emotions better. You have done it yourself, talked about your boyfriend with your girlfriends, and you are talking about him right now in this post right here. You're not doing anything wrong, you're doing what you feel you must in order to get a clear head. That's exactly what he did as well, back then in October to his friend. He was clearing his mind and sorting through his feelings.
When I was a teenager I wrote a diary. I had just started a new diary which my mother didn't realize was my diary. She was curious what the book was when she found it, and started reading. Now, what teenager hasn't argued with their parents and written/said hurtful things about them? My mother rote a part that I had written just after an argument with her. I would have never said those things to her, which is precisely why I wrote them down in private. Yes, those feelings were true and they were there in my heart, but I knew then, as I know now, that feelings fade. Anger fades. And what you feel for a moment in time, isn't how you feel for eternity. But when my mother read it, to her it was as if this was how I truly felt about her, this was how I felt ALL THE TIME, when it fact that wasn't true. She was very hurt. And I felt sad for her, because there was no reason for her to be hurt. It was a long time ago, and I felt different now, and I never wrote it to hurt her! I wrote it precisely to NOT hurt her, because I didn't say it to her! Instead I had kept it to myself until I cooled down and felt better.
Same goes for your boyfriend. And same goes for you. We all feel things from time to time that we KNOW is hurtful to our partners, and instead of telling them and intentionally hurting them, we keep it to ourselves or tell our closest friends. Then the feeling passes and we feel other things, such as love and joy instead. And we share our happy thoughts with our partners in order to make them happy too. We keep the negative ones to ourselves or tell our friends in confidentiality. This is how everyone works, even you.
So, please keep this in mind, and keep in mind all the things you might have written in a diary, or said to a friend of your in confidentiality. Think about if all of this came out in public and everyone knew what you'd ever said or felt about them through the years. They would be devastated too. But then remind yourself that just because you were angry at someone last year, doesn't mean you don't love them, cherish them, or want them to be happy. And that the same goes for your boyfriend. He was angry at you last year, he was hurt. But that doesn't mean he's still angry and hurt, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, cherish you, and want you to be happy.
Dry your tears now and mentally throw this text you read in the garbage bin.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 March 2016):
 I get the feelings of both of you are valid. You had a string of unfortunate events when in fact neither of you had done anything wrong. He used a condom and as extra precaution you used plan B. The only extra option was the birth control. I felt if you did all you could then you should not beat yourself up anymore. Maybe grief counseling would have been helpful so you would not have to deal with it alone and blame it on your boyfriend.
Although everyone knows that arguments can wreck a relationship, I know it's still hard to move on from the fact that your relationship is shaky. You were trying to rebuild your relationship recently then you reopened a can of worms. I would repeat what he said. If you feel you can get past the hurt, the betrayal (although certainly unintentional), it would be wise to end it because whenever stress strikes in the future, you would dig up some dirt to argue again.
What you are talking about here is not really doing something, but an ability to move on with the help of time. Both of you would also mature in ways of dealing with painful emotions and stress, and how to communicate them. Hopefully you are growing together and not apart. The only thing you can do is go on birth control or he gets a vasectomy. I would suspect that you won't feel like having sex, after this drama. It would be normal. Your goal would be to find inner peace. Without it, not relationship can thrive. Don't worry about love, or the happily after as it's always a set up for disappointment.
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