A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for about four years. Two years ago, I cheated on him. My boyfriend is much older than me, and as far as I can remember our age difference had nothing to do with me cheating on him. I also have borderline personality disorder, and a symptom of that is that I make very impulsive decisions. I don't want to put the blame on that, but sometimes I think it may have been a factor. I think to myself the reason I cheated on him is because I sort of feel like I threw my youth away. I've never gotten drunk or been with a guy besides him, I didn't go to parties, and when I got to college I suddenly felt like I had this overwhelming desire to sleep with all these hot guys I saw. On top of that, I was going through a rough patch not only with my boyfriend but with my roommate and my teachers and the academics in general. So I kept seeing this guy for maybe a week or two, and I know I was deliberately looking to have sex with him. After we did, he wasn't very good, I wasn't satisfied, and it wasn't worth it. I spilled the beans to my BF, and he took it in the worst way imaginable. He ended up having a heart attack, so I literally broke his heart, and he cut himself. My BF also suffers from binge eating and he is obese. So its two years later and he still cannot get over what I did. I understand that what I did was terrible, and I regret doing it, but I feel like it was something that was inevitable. I felt like I needed to figure out if being with a younger guy or a guy my age would have been better for me. But, the other guy turned out to be an immature slob. My boyfriend cannot forget what happened, and he keeps bringing it up and I feel like I cry so much nowadays and it is making me miserable. I still live with my parents and he bought a house, and he is fixing it up. My relationship with my parents is a very bad one. And it has been terrible way before my boyfriend came into my life, so its not because they disapprove of him, which they do, but I have hated my mother since I was about three or four and she has put me through a depression for years.I want to move out with my boyfriend and live in this house he bought, and I know its not just because I want to get out of my current situation but because I know he has the capability of making me happy and on some really good days, I feel amazing when I am with him. But I feel like lately, everything has been centered around him wallowing in what I did. I know I deserve the blame for what I did and he has every right to be upset. I didn't realize at the time that it would hurt him so much. but I feel like two years is too long for me to feel guilty. I am afraid that when we live together, he won't move on or let me live it down, and I will be miserable. he doesn't really trust me anymore. currently he lives in Jersey and I live in New York, so we are also long distance and don't see each other much. I understand that he doesn't know what I'm doing all the time, so maybe he has fears that I'm fooling around again. although, he doesn't call or text all the time acting suspicious. he thinks I stopped loving him when I cheated, and maybe he is right. he doesn't understand how I could have lied to him, how I saw the other guy then saw him or called him right after and told him I loved him. I wanted to see if I would be happier with a younger guy, yes, but I was afraid I wouldn't be, and so I didn't want to break it off with my boyfriend. So I lied to him. I didn't think he would take it that hard, because I guess I don't take sex as seriously as he does. Maybe I equate sex with animalistic desire rather than love. I don't know. I also want to help him lose weight and stop the binge eating, but I am never there for him to tell him to stop. he will call me or i'll call him late at night and he'll tell me he just ate a full 8 slice pizza or a full pint of ice cream, and it kills me to hear that. his biggest fear is me fooling around again, while my biggest fear is him eating himself to death, and me losing him. I am writing this because after our last long conversation over the phone, after sobbing so hard, I am tired of feeling guilty. I need us to move on, and he cant seem to, and I don't know what to do. to be perfectly honest, I am dependent on him in many ways. He has the house and I am depressed living in my current home. At one point I had three jobs but I quit one because I was depressed being there and I was suffering health wise from the conditions. the other I was laid off. I enjoy my current job, but it is only three days a week. I could get another job if I wanted to, but I am using the extra time to work on pursuing my dream career. I went to college for a year for that dream, but my parents refused to continue to pay for college and I already have a large loan to pay off now from only one year, and so I have no money to go back to college, and I don't want to go further into debt. also, my dream career doesn't even require a college degree. So, could I be independent without my boyfriend? I could. I could live in my car. I could work myself to the bone like I was when I had three jobs, and find work again. But would I be happy if I left my boyfriend, and be the slut I wanted to be in college and date lots of other guys and get the youthful thrill I desired? I honestly think that if I left my boyfriend, I wouldn't be able to forget him. I haven't stopped loving him. I don't think I would be able to love or even open up to another guy and move on. how do I make things right and mend our relationship? he says he still loves me, and I believe him, but he has become cold since I cheated on him. He feels empty inside, he tells me he wished he's died the day I told him. what do I do????
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cheated on my boyfriend, debt, depressed, drunk, immature, live with my parents, long distance, lose weight, money, move on, my teacher, roommate, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 May 2014):
 On a side note, I also know enough about BPD to know that your family life must be turbulent - as you say it is. That's usually where the disorder originates - from an unstable and abusive childhood/upbringing. So I'm sure you need to get out of your living situation, as it's most likely very unhealthy for your emotional well-being. However you can remove yourself, you should try to get away.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): Stop looking for excuses for your actions. You cheated, and now are complaining that the guy you cheated on isn't happy about it. Sorry, you do something wrong to someone, and typically they get upset about it. Its the way life works.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 May 2014):
I know BPD well enough to know that a defining characteristic is to not take perceived criticism well. I think that's what happened here.
Youwish was attempting to give you solid advice and I think you took it very personally and as an attack, when in reality, she didn't intend anything as an attack at all. Just advice.
Try and recognize that we are all here to help - not to make you upset. We see things from a different perspective and we are merely sharing those perspectives. You may disagree, but that's the joy of having many differing perspectives - to make us see things in a way we may not have ordinarily.
I strongly suggest getting back into therapy. I know dialectical behavioral therapy is shown to do wonders for BPD. In wish you the best.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): I won't be so hard on you, anon who posted the question. I have been in your BF's shoes. The story is very similar. I don't have eating problems but you remind me of my GF and I also had a very bad reaction. Truthfully I don't think my GF or you are capable of understanding just how badly the cheating hurt someone like me or your BF. Im not really saying this criticize you but the personalities and how we relate to sex are too different. You have a sense that you never fully understood how much this hurt your BF. I agree with that. Two years later we are still together. With great difficulty and much hard work on both sides.You both know that your BF does not owe you a relationship. But he has a choice to make. If this is going to work then he needs to agree to accept some things that he doesn't want to accept. I don't think he has ever accepted the whole you after the cheating. What he has done is more like trying to ignore and forget the part that hurt him. It won't work because nobody can push away that painful memory for too long and then it comes crashing back down on him. He needs to accept that this girl who hurt him IS part of you and always will be. The idealized version of you he wants to be with is not real. Not now and not really even back before the cheating. The other part just had not shown up yet. He does not have to like the hurtful side of you but he needs to come to terms with it. Its much easier said than done. The eating binge thing sounds like a way of acting out. Punishing himself and punishing you. Being depressed and lashing out at you and abusing himself can be like mental masturbation. He may be bottling up his feelings too much before then and finally needing a release. Sometimes releasing feelings in a bad way feels more satisfying than hold them down anymore. If he is ever going to stop the blowing up then he needs to stop the bottling up too. He needs to learn to manage his bad feelings. Its VERY hard to balance between keeping them inside and wallowing in them unnecessarily. That is what he needs to learn to do. It won't be easy. He needs to be willing to put hard work into it. You are the one who did wrong by cheating, but he will also have to work hard too if things are ever going to be right. He can always break up but he has to do all this hard work if he does not want to leave. But if he does not want to break up then he has to work hard at making things healthy again. Your original pre-cheating relationship is over. This is a new one, a different one. If he wants it to be healthy then he needs to see it like that.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (14 May 2014):
 Don't bother with an ultimatum, they don't work. They really don't work if you aren't prepared to back them up.
I think you just wanted to talk to him about it. That's ok but not likely to change the issues that are keeping him where he is.
FA
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (14 May 2014):
OP, I have to say I think it's outrageous that you think it's ok to direct insults and abuse at those who have taken time out of their lives to give you advice.It's absolutely not on to talk to others like that. If you don't like the advice you are given then it's your right to disregard it, but you don't have the right to be openly hostile towards someone that, frankly, hit the nail on the head with everything she said. You are blaming everything and everyone for the mess of your life, when in reality you are the only one who can fix it. It's also usually the case that if a person has a problem maintaining relationships with everyone in their life, then that person is the common denominator and should look inside themselves to find the problem. No/one is saying this to be mean to you OP, but it is a reality check that you need to face.You need to man up and own your mistakes. You broke your boyfriend's trust and you can't MAKE him get over it. If you don't like the way he is treating you then end the relationship, but to expect him to get over it when you say so is unreasonable. Similarly with your mental health. You need to take control and seek help. If you are aware of it and do nothing about it then it's not a viable excuse for bad behaviour. It seems like you are stuck in the mentality that you are a constant victim. That's the wrong attitude to have. You need to think about the things you want and start taking steps to make them a reality, instead of complaining about the cards you were dealt and expecting everyone else to fix things for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I'll say it again: You don't love him and you can't have loved him if you were so eager to jump into bed with anything with two legs and the right parts. And you most certainly *are* using your boyfriend. He doesn't have to be rich for you to get things from him, and what you want is to be supported by him, moving into his house, taking cars from him, and then turning around to cheat on him and then getting in a tizzy because he no longer trusts you. You *should* be judged by yourself the most, because you need serious help. Do you really think you loved him and could "see how it would be with a younger guy" at the same time? The answer is no. You don't hedge your bets in relationships. Love doesn't do that.
You're not being treated for BPD now, and it's obvious. Your decision to not get a student loan and focus on your own future is not a smart one, because in 5 years, I predict you will be pregnant with either this guy's baby or someone else's, and *then*, talk about whether or not you go to college. It's not just about money, it's about timing. You're at an age in your life where you have the time to continue education, but single parenthood, married life, with you and your medical and mental issues, if you wait it will become that much harder.
No, you need to stand on your own and not expect other people to give you your life. You need to get your education without getting cars from boyfriends you despise enough to cheat on while making excuses for doing so. He had a heart attack because of the pain you caused him, yet you believe he should just be "over" it. Doesn't work that way.
You make excuses for why you can't do things in life. You have bad relationships with your family, with your boyfriend, with your ex-roommates, teachers, and your education path in general, yet you blame THEM. I tell you like it is, and you are quick to put me down as having the problem. At what point in your life will you take ownership and realize that it's ALL you? You are in denial. You don't know what love is, and you don't have it for the guy you're with. You love what he gives you, what he brings you, what he represents to you, but you're quick to devastate him upon a second's notice. That is not love.
If it was love, you wouldn't ever say "And in our four years together I have only cheated on him once, with one guy, for a short time." ONLY?!? Do you want a medal? Hey, guess what? In my 20 years with the guy I'm with, I've only cheated on him ZERO times. I didn't call you a slut, but you need to let this guy go so he can be with someone who actually DOES love him. Someone who cheats on someone they say they love NEVER doesn't feel guilty about hurting them. Two years is nothing, especially if you're long distance.
I have no anger towards you, "pathetic" or otherwise. I call it like I see it, and you need to wake up and stop being in denial. Get help, and not with just a "very good man", but a professional doctor. When your relationships with everyone go south, you are the reason for it. When you have issues with everyone you come in contact with, you need to consider that you *are* the issue. Friends, teachers, family, roommates, boyfriend, everyone. At what point will you take your own responsibility? If you have BPD and that makes you impulsive, you need to get professional care for the rest of your life. Getting pregnant because of impulsive sex doesn't discriminate because of a mental illness, and neither do the consequences of your actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer YouWish:
Right before the time I cheated, I was being treated for BPD by a very good man. My boyfriend is not my sugar daddy, because he does not have any money and does not buy me anything. He is in enormous debt from this house and the best thing he gave me was an 18 year old death-trap of a car, so don't go assuming because he is older I am using him as my sugar daddy. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm not supposed to be in a relationship. And as I mentioned earlier, I CANT AFFORD COLLEGE, and I'm not up to putting myself thousands of dollars into debt, so excuse me for making a wise decision unlike a lot of other kids my age, graduating from college with a degree and not being able to get a job or pay their loans because of this economy. I am working from home, not getting paid, but I am working regardless, as well as working at my other job. I am saving up for a new car and once I take care of that, I plan on starting a college fund. I did pay for classes MYSELF and put myself into debt for about a year because my parents didn't want to support me. I am more independent than you judge me for. Like I said, could I get another few jobs and do everything myself? I could. He is not paying anything for me, just providing a house to move into. I would gladly live in my car and be homeless if that wasn't an option.
My BF's obesity had nothing to do with me cheating on him. I simply put that in my question as background information. And in our four years together I have only cheated on him once, with one guy, for a short time. So don't act like I'm some slut, sleeping around with everyone, giving my BF 'enough excuses to betray him again'.
And don't you dare say I never loved him. You have no right judging me like that. I love him still more than you can possibly imagine in your thick-headed judgmental mind. Just because I am a cheater, doesn't make me incapable of love. I am not using him. I have plenty of other options to move out without him. I can roommate with a friend or two and get an apartment. There are many other things I can do. I don't need him, and the most inconvenient thing is for me to take the hour and a half drive to the house and take back all my belongings.
I know I mistreated my bf, and I shouldn't have because he has done nothing but be good to me. I have NOT mistreated my family, but THEY have mistreated me. You think I'm the one mistreating abusive parents? They don't deserve anything from me.
Why don't you stop trolling on websites and slashing insults at everyone who makes a human mistake, and take your pathetic anger out on someone else.
As for everyone else's comments:
I understand that what I did was ice in the heart, and I ripped his heart open. I've heard all of the pain from my BF countless times already. But I do still love him, and he claims to still love me. I will confront him with a 'if you want to be with me, please don't make me suffer. if you can't forgive me...' type of choice. the problem is, I don't want to leave him because I still love him, and I have hope that we can mend this. when I ask if he can forgive me, he says 'I don't know'. some days he is fine and happy and we have a great time together, and other days he is depressed. I don't want to leave him, so I am going to suggest he sees a counselor so he can talk about his feelings to someone. as for me, the last time I had problems with my disorder is when I cheated two years ago. since then I haven't had any issues. I have learned a lot of methods from therapy sessions, however, and I have gotten through a lot of impulsive desires on my own. I agree with all your statements, but I choose to give our relationship more time. thanks.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 May 2014):
You say you have BPD? Are you under the care of a physician, in full compliance of his multi-faceted treatment?? Because the way you come off here tells me no.
Boyfriends *aren't* tickets to independence. You aren't supposed to use them for sugar daddies, being with the much older unattractive guy while running off and having sex with others.
You're young, and you shouldn't be with anyone right now. You should be focusing on college, career, gaining skills in which will suit you for a lifetime of independence, because if you have to rely on someone else's means, you're not independent, but a leech.
A guy's obesity is no excuse to cheat. You can't blame anyone but yourself for this. That is a really horrible thing to do, and while you're still rationalizing it here, he SHOULDN'T get over it because you're fully capable and have made enough excuses to betray him again.
But I don't think you have ever really loved your boyfriend, but are using him to get out of your family circumstances, which is just as bad as cheating.
You mistreat your boyfriend, you mistreat your family, you aren't independent, and have reckless sex without thought. The common denominator is you. Break up with your boyfriend and see a professional. BPD is no excuse, and your failure to manage it is your issue.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I cheated on people I wasnt even aware we was fully dating exclusively to be honest. Its hard to forget but forgiving sets you free. Most fellows dont accept women cheating cause its a double standard simple as that. When they do it the women or other lovers should be like oh its okay you still had something in your system to get out and grow up and mature. When in all actuality when a women cheats cause something was lacking and not beening provided in a relationship could be sex could be emotional connection money issues or character flaws in general. And for the matter of trust I trust no body you could be married and living with somebody they go out the door to work and there lover is coming in the back door. You last to know or find out when you sick with Sti stds then you figure out who's cheating. Some people to are not built for monogamy in general and handle changing relationships or dating and meeting new people often or in spurts.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (14 May 2014):
I want to add something here even though you have a lot of good advice. Like many young people you see this as what you want and how his feelings affect you. As a person older and Male I see this more from his point of view.
First thing, People don't always forgive their relationship partners for infidelity, in fact not forgiving is the more common reaction. Forgiving is rare because forgetting is nearly impossible. What you don't realize is that every time you try to get intimate with him he is seeing a little mind movie of you with a younger guy. How hard would you find it to forgive if you were going through that?
Next his age and physical condition are knocking down his self confidence. being overweight and being a heart attack survivor put him at a very high risk for erectile dysfunction. To put it simply every time you are intimate he is wondering if the system is going to work. Compounded by the thought that is likely in the back of his mind, "if this doesn't work will she find another young guy who has an erection that works?"
I do understand why you did what you did. I won't excuse it but you are not the only person to have made this mistake. I hope that I have been able to help you understand what he is doing and why he isn't inviting you fully into his life.
FA
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A
female
reader, hearttoheart +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I don't intend on sounding mean, But WHO would put up with someone who cheats? Some people will forgive and try to mend their relationship...some won't.
Look through this website, a lot of people are pouring their hearts out about being cheated on. NO ONE LIKES IT. It is a very hurtful experience. You will never know how it feels, until someone does it to YOU.
If he doesn't forgive you, then please learn from it. And don't cheat on your next boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Hi,I'm going to sound really harsh in saying anything because what you did was a pure betrayal of someones trust and love. You wanted to know if sex with someone younger was better, but instead of ending the relationship to find out. You kept this person as a backup plan.You want him to sweep you off your feet, to give you a house to live in, fix all your financial and emotional needs. But, you cant seriously expect someone to do that for a woman that quite frankly ripped his heart out and then is trying to put it back in correctly.I think you are depressed because you feel your life is in a bad way, but you have to take responsibility for your own emotional and physical happiness.If you don't like your parents, cant stand them, you have to move out and get a place of your own. If your boyfriend cant forgive you, (which I can understand) then you need to not rely on him saving you. You have to save yourself.Really sorry to sound like I'm being mean, but you asked for genuine advice and that's it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Well give him an ultimatum, either he can keep bringing it up or you're leaving to be by yourself.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 May 2014):
You say "I didn't realize at the time that it would hurt him so much." As this is your first and only relationship, you have never been cheated on, so you realistically can't imagine how truly heartbreaking it is. It's utterly devistating. Not to try and make you feel worse, but just to give you a little background on what it feels like since you've never experienced it. It's the ultimate betrayal and deception of someone you claim to love. So for you to state that you didn't think it would upset him so much is an extreme understatement and probably an insult to him. People have committed murder under these types of circumstances, just to give you an example of how extreme and powerful these emotions can be.
You also claim that you wanted to experiment and see if a younger guy could make you happy. But you also weren't sure, so you kept your boyfriend around - just in case. You made him your backup plan, which was extremely unfair and hurtful to him. You quickly found out that the grass wasn't greener and you wanted to stay with him. But that was a very selfish thing to do. I know you're human and you wanted your cake and to eat it, too. But it was completely unfair to him. He deserved, at the very least, the respect of your honesty about how you were feeling, BEFOREHAND, so he could decide if he wanted to stay with you under those circumstances. You chose not to tell him and just did what you wanted without regard to his feelings. That was very wrong. If my partner did that to me, I'd never be able to forgive.
All that being said, I'm sincerely not trying to beat you up. People make mistakes. You're human. I hope you've learned from them. The main thing now is, can your boyfriend realistically move on from this? Truthfully, it doesn't seem like it. He claims he's chosen to forgive you and stay with you, yet he's clearly not forgiven at all. When one person in the relationship cheats and the other chooses to forgive (which is very difficult to do), that person MUST let it go. They can't keep holding it over their partners head forever. If you can't realistically forgive, then your relationship is doomed. It was unfair for you to cheat, sure. But it also become equally as unfair for him to punish you for this long over a mistake you made. He can either forgive you and learn to let the past be in the past, or he can't, and you two need to part ways. If he can't let it go, you two have no business being together anymore, as your relationship will perpetuate this same cycle over and over and both of you will be completely miserable. You both deserve happiness.
Have you mentioned the prospect of a counselor to him? Perhaps he needs someone to help him work through the issues he has over the cheating. They can walk him through how to identify exactly what feelings he is struggling with, why he's feeling them, and how to overcome them and ultimately to forgive you. Perhaps you two can even go together to the counseling. That way, you both can get a solid understanding of how you each feel and why. It may help a lot.
Anyway, good luck to you.
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