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I cheated and I stay because I think I owe him

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 February 2018) 11 Answers - (Newest, 10 February 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

(Mod note: based on your follow ups you are in an abusive relationship and require assistance beyond the scope of this site. Please contact the organization provided by the last post.

This question is being closed now.)

This is going to be a long one so please bear with..

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years have two beautiful children and the last 2 years things have got really bad..

my partner used to live with me and we was saving for a house I was on a very low income he was triple my wage. He didn’t help me financially and the money I did save up 3,000 I gave to him. He bought the house in his name.

And at this time I started to get a little extra income by adoing can Sites this lasted for 6 months but there was one guy on their that I spoke to for over a year any problems I would tell him. Never met him..

there was also a guy I spoke to a lot who I used to go school with . We spoke for 6 months plus. We met up once had a dance and a kiss.. my partner eventually fount out and went crazy. He physically assaulted me.. we got over this etc... months went buy.

I gave up my house and moved into his house which he owned.. he was still very paranoid which I accepted he wouldn’t spend months going through my phone emails etc and demanding more info. One night he wouldn’t let me sleep in bed, so I went to my kids bed he wouldn’t let me sleep their either he dragged the quilts off me and threatened to pull me out the bed with my hair.. which he did.. again we got over that.

He has later gone onto the next argument about the same thing he had chucked all of my clothes out of the house and dinted my car. I moved out to my mums and he kept the children in the week and I had them at weekends. We tried to sort things out I was honest about things I had done whilst single.

He threatened to send my work my things from web cam and me being me I had to tell work.. he kept going on about the guy I had been seeing whilst we was single.. we did not sleep together.. last week I found out from his friends mrs that on our break he slept with two girls he denied at first and I admit I hit him a lot. We got over.

Since he has still gone on about the guy and kicked off again threatening to kick me out. Calling me names. Raging me around by my hair nearly pushing me down the stairs, threatening to punch me. He trashed the house all of which his friends had told him gossip.. all was ok but I felt worried so I started looking for a house a few days went by and I said I was fine. To my regret I replied bk to the housing. He fount our and called me a dog and a slag and now wants me to let things go and forgive him. He has also accused me of having an affair with my boss...

Pleas help me what is best for me to do. Do I stay because when we are ok he is a wonderful partner or do I leave and be free and safe..

View related questions: affair, money, moved in, moved out, my boss

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI understand that you want your kids to have a mom and dad and a whole family, instead of one that is no longer together.

But in all seriousness how long do you think it will be until he hurts you so bad YOU no longer can take care of the kids?

Shoving you head under water? The reason you fainted after was a LACK of oxygen to your brain and probably fear.

And of course he is NICE when he isn't ABUSING you. Other wise it would have been much easier for you to leave. Wouldn't it?

But you HAVE to accept that the ABUSE is NORMAL for him and that BY staying YOU are TEACHING your children that this is OK. As long as you are nice in between the abuse, all is good.

HE will NEVER change. HE will only escalate his violence and abuse towards you.

You know this is wrong. But you are SO desperate for that "dream" of a happy family that you think SUCKING up the abuse is how you get a happy family - it's not.

YOU HAVE to put your kids first here. And what is BEST for them? IS to not grow up watching dad abuse mom. To NOT watch dad scream at mom and mom yelling back.

Of course you hit him. He had been pushing your limits and pushing them, so YOU (in that moment) did what HE had done to you. You hit. YOU became the abuser. IS that who you are? My guess is no, but that doesn't make you not responsible for YOUR actions. Or him for his.

BY staying you are telling him that YOU are OK with the violence towards you. By not reporting it, you are telling him the abuse is OK.

Call this number and TALK to someone:

0808 2000 247 - National Domestic Violence

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx

DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS!

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A male reader, liddel United States +, writes (10 February 2018):

It's time to go and end this and it's time to seek an attorney. The hypocritical jealous rage he shows is not going to end. You're not safe and neither are your children.

Since you put money into his house with a round $3000 you are entitled to that, plus any equity earned by your share of the house. If you've been contributing toward the house payments, you might be entitled to more.

You need custody of your children. Anyone that violent to a woman can be violent to children. They are not safe.

It's going to be embarrassing admitting you were basically a sex worker, but you were younger then and struggling to make ends meet. The fact that it was over the internet is in your favor in the eyes of the court, as opposed to prostitution.

Apparently there is evidence available through videos, and he is likely to share those. Revenge porn is illegal in about half the states and if you live in one of those, he will be in legal trouble and it strengthens your case. Of course you will be embarrassed because friends and coworkers will probably be exposed to them, getting out and getting your kids is worth it.

While I understand you being mad when you found he had been sleeping around while making such a big deal about your indiscretions, your abusing him is no better than him abusing you.

You need to seek counseling for several reasons. Usually a free option will present itself due to your income being low. It might be government supported or a charity. Regardless, the fact that you've stuck with this so long is an issue as well as your accepting abuse from another and your abuse of another. For the last, a court will appreciate that you've addressed this in counseling.

An important step in recovering from all of this is to heal your mental state. It has suffered from the relationship and the abuse. It isn't an option but a need.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

May I state that that time was the first time that I have ever hit him... and may I state that I stayed with him for the children because I have grown up I. A family where my dad left my mum when I was four I have never been in a happy family and this is all I wa ted for my kids. My partner has kicked, punched, nicked me out, threw objects at me, strangled me to receive marks. Yes he has been arrested but I have never press xharges because he has such a good job... he has physically pulled my trousers down, he has physically dragged me by my hair, he has physically , mentally , emotionally drained me. Yes I hit back the one time when we got back together we both had the opportunity to be honest. I was he wasn’t and even when I fount out the truth he still denied this. This all happened two days after we split he slept with the girls in my house in my. Hold tens house on my sofa....

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 February 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI find it amazing that everyone comments on the violence he has showing you but has not commented on the fact that you are violent back. Between you both you are not setting a good example for your children. Cheating and everything else shouldn't matter. It is clear the both of you are not a good couple. If he is so violent then I would not be leaving innocent children alone with him. Your children are going to grow up thinking violence is normal when it is not. The both off you need to put your children first and make sure they are safe.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He has also once shoved my head under water until I court breath. I stood up, I fainted he was fine when I woke back up but soon after he was still violent because I wouldn’t be with him

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I know it does sound so bad now I’ve heard everyone opinions but in my head apart from all the violence he does treat me dearly, and I can tell he loves me so much. I worry I will never find anyone to love me like he does whist we are happy. I blame myself for the simple fact it’s the actions I have made which has made him act in these ways. When we have split in the past I have had to deal with my daughter constantly crying her eyes out because she wanted us to be together. And this is what I did. I thought going back would make my children happy and they do seem happy. But I also get your concern.. I honestly think another reason I cane back last time is because being apart was so much stress, he was spiteful didn’t help me financially, wouldn’t give me some of my stuff, and work purpose the children go to his mums in the holidays and he wouldn’t not help out which obviously affected my work as a few times I had to have off or turn in late to drop them off. And I financially couldn’t afford to send them to nursery. I’m in a position where I was close to a council house last time and I gave it up to come back as he promised me the security. But they was going to place me away which I couldn’t do due to work.. I think I know what I need to do but I’m just worried he would halm himself if I left for good and he would make my life utter hell until he eventually got what he wanted

Thankyou for all ur comments i

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 February 2018):

N91 agony auntI think it's quite obvious you should leave just for the simple fact he is violent. The rest of the post is irrelevant.

Why would you put yourself and children in that danger? Is staying with someone out of pity really worth risking being beaten or possibly killed?

Think about it.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 February 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf he loses the plot totally with you one day and seriously injures you or kills you, what will happen to your children? Do you not think you owe THEM a healthy mother who is capable of looking after and protecting them? Is this violent abusive man worth more to you than your children's future safety?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 February 2018):

I foresee you both losing the kids; because you present a very unstable and violent living-environment. If there is a boy, he is learning to be mean and violent towards women; and if there is a girl, she is learning that men get to kick women around and beat them. That it's okay. If they are both boys or girls, it's twice as bad!!!

You go back to him and allow the children to witness him battering you and calling you terrible names. It is traumatizing to the children; and it will begin to manifest in their behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if they have night-terrors!

Hopefully neighbors, someone at school, or family-members will take notice and contact child-protection authorities; and have them placed in a safer place, until you prove you can get your life together.

You should report domestic-violence to the authorities, get a restraining order, and place those children over and above yourself. Instead, you're chasing after a nasty violent piece of dirt! After describing the devil and absolute hell, you call him a wonderful partner.

What the hell is wrong with you? You can't be serious!!!

Leave and take the children with you. Get an order of protection. Seek legal-advice to obtain child-support; and have the child-support payments directly deposited. That is, if the child-protection authorities don't come and snatch them from both of you!

Get PTSD counseling, and professional-help with your problem with involving yourself in unsavory and violent relationships with men. You are not only dealing with a violent man; you're provoking him into a rage, while you're blatantly flaunting the fact you're messing around with other men.

You hate yourself so much that you drag yourself and your own children through the mud. Then you let some assh^le beat the daylights out of you; in-front of innocent and obviously frightened children.

You apparently came from the same kind of dysfunctional-environment growing-up; or you would see how terribly wrong all this is! My heart goes out to you and those kids!

NO, YOU DO NOT SUBJECT THOSE CHILDREN OR YOURSELF TO THAT HELL ON EARTH YOU CALL A LIFE!!! God help you, my dear!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 February 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThis is all incredibly abusive and dangerous for your children. Seek help from a charity that helps people escape abuse, then set up a life for you and your kids without doing any form of porn. Steer clear of guys for the time being too. Focus on getting your life together to be the best you can be for your children, whilst removing yourself from the abusive relationship.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou BF have physically assaulted you at least 4 times by your story and you say he is a wonderful partner when we are OK... Are you serious?

This isn't normal. Or healthy or a GOOD partner.

What do you think you kids are learning from all this?

Do you know how many ABUSIVE men (and women) say that they learned the behavior from watching their parents? or their single mom/dad and a partner? THIS is how the cycle of abuse keep going.

If for no other reason than your KIDS and their future I would suggest you extract yourself (and your kids) and work on being free and safe but mostly to BUILD a safer future for your kids.

I'm not saying HIS behavior is your fault but thinking he is a good guy who "just" acts bad occasionally is a pretty unhealthy view.

What will happen with your kids if he HAD pushed you down the stairs? What would happen to them if you HAD broken your neck? or became paraplegic?

You keep bringing up past drama and then declaring "we got over that, and this and that" NO, you didn't - it still rules HIS actions and yours.

YOU feel such guilt for having cheated (in your eyes) that you think you actually deserve the way he treats you. YOU DO NOT.

OK?

You made a shitty choice, you need to LEARN from it. BUT not by sacrificing yourself to being his occasional punching bag.

Not only that, but YOU are also becoming violent. You say that you admit you HIT HIM A LOT when he confessed to having slept with 2 other women. So YOU are now also behaving in an abusive manner.

Resentment BREEDS anger. In both of you.

All these things the kids either see or hear or pick up on and they will THINK that this is normal, this is how you treat a partner.

I think you already know that this relationships is toxic and unhealthy and you NEED to get out. SAFELY. ASAP.

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