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I caught my boyfriend looking at VERY young girls online!

Tagged as: Dating, Forbidden love, Pornography, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2008) 26 Answers - (Newest, 8 February 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, *elpme86 writes:

so here's my problem I am 22 and my boyfriend 26 have been together for almost a year and we recently moved in together.

I was on the computer the other day and I saw that he had been looking at sites such as veryounggirls.com and others related. I clicked on them and they were modeling sights for children probably ages 9-12. I love him more than anything and when I asked him about it he said he knew it was messed up and cried. I kind of left it at that but secretly added a program to see what he views online. Since then I have seen the same sights three times and I am guessing this has been something he has been into before he met me. This grosses me out and I wish I could just leave but I can't and I really hate it. I asked him if this was anything he was thinking or has though of persuing, and he said no, but im now afraid at the thought of having children with him. I am also uncomfortable when there are children around us now. What do I do??

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A female reader, Secret_Samaritan  United States +, writes (8 February 2010):

I feel your pain, I too had a similar situtation happen with my man... come to find out it all go's back to roleplaying in the bedroom. some men prefer to spank the innocent little girl. it is not the fact that they are little girls it is that they are innocent with piggy tails. I was so upset and cried often after I found the porn sites in the browser history as well told myself that I would leave him. I confronted him and he guarded himself so badly but I got it out of him. he said the thought of me dressed up like a little girl with my hair in piggy tails drove him wild and that I appeared innocent but naughty... so you see it is natural for a man to have fantasies just as long as he isn't acting on them. find out if he likes to be the daddy role or is actually seeking a thrill from seeing little girls?

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A female reader, greekgodessxo Canada +, writes (23 November 2009):

I am going through the EXACT same thing as you are going through. I didnt find sites persay but I was on my boyfriends limewire and saw that he had downloaded some

"regular" porn, and I noticed the very last thing downloaded had a disguisting title.. something about 14 year old girls.. I didnt even get to finish reading it before he came around the corner. He looked at me so nervously and when I confronted him, he was very nervous and upset. Unfortunately a friend of ours had just came over and knocked at the door so I had to wait till they left to confront him. We had a massive blow out fight about this, I could NOT believe my eyes. We had been together about 6 months at this time and he admitted to me

that he liked younger looking girls. I am still incredibly shooken up about this and we have been together 10 months now. We have talked about it over and over but I still can't seem to get the image out of my mind. Everytime I see a "younger looking girl" I can not help but think

that my boyfriends desires are there. The worst part is

I have never felt love like this before, I have never been

so happy and complete, and I truly wished this never happened. Although, if it didnt, I ask myself if it would continue to happen. He says downloading that was just a mistake and he clicked on what was under it, but I still

can't believe him. He begs, pleads, and cries and cries

to keep me in his life lately, (last night i brought it up again.. ugh) and I want nothing more than to be with him.

But all of this has put so much strain and tension on me..

I just want to tell you that I know exactly what you are

going through. I feel the pain and confusion you feel and it is simply not as easy as just leaving. I want to help,

but I dont know where to start. I know he is no longer

looking at this shit because he has no internet connection,

and we are moving in together shortly. I have so much faith

in him, he is the most amazing, generous, caring person I have ever met in my life. My soulmate, my all. I would like to know what ended up happening with you and your man,

cause I know this post is over a year old.

Please get back to me..

Lots of love

xoxox

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009):

I have recentley split from my boyfriend, we are both 25, of nearly 4 years, he decided to end it very suddenley without a proper explanation. It has left me broken. While i was with him over the last year or so he would constantly make sexual 'jokes' and comments about rape, and young girls. He wanted me to dress up as a school girl but i never did, he asked me to wear pigtails and glasses once but got very very angry when i said no. Some examples of the comments he would say were - after we got intiamte once i felt something wasnt right i asked him he said nothings wrong i said what do u want from me, he replied saying a 12 yr old girl tied up...asleep. He wanted me to pretend im asleep alot when intimate. Other things said were - id f her talking about young girls walking past, used to check out young girls once one in uniform he said 'bloody hell'. I once asked what type of porm he looked at he replied saying with a very plain looking face 'little children'. When i asked why he says all this stuff i was worried he just made another joke saying 'i was just thinking want to come up the school with me and kidnap some children'. He would make disgusting comments about stories in the news involving rape for exapmle - one story involving killing and rape he said ' god that must of been a good night'. He would claim his friends would make alot of sick jokes then tell me them. He told me he read in the paper a 12 yr old girl was doing sexual favours for old men, when i said thats disgusting he said alot of men like that, i said yes if your 15 he said well some men do, i said yes there called pedos, he said yeah i know. I felt something wasnt right here. There are so many more. I do not know what to think, wether there just sick jokes or what. I have confronted him about this, he either laughs and makes more sexual comments about a young girl and says his 'mate' said it, or says all men are like it and would say it. Im no longer with him but the pain of the slpit is hurtfull but all this is more pain full. I care about him so much and i my instinct is somethings not right, i cant leave this, i love him so much. I have seen him few times recentley and hes made a few more comments one being, we were driving past my old school he asked if when din the changing rooms i saw other girls boobies and asked if they were wearing bras, he then licked his lips nad said 'yeah baby'. I would be so gratefull for any help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009):

just out of interest, what program did you use? im in the exact same situation here and want to monitor what he does a bit more closely

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A male reader, WiredReds United States +, writes (18 September 2008):

He is looking at modeling sites? Thus far, he is doing nothing illegal, even if he is masturbating to their photos, perfectly legal. What you need to do is see if he is using another program on your computer, perhaps a file sharing program like Limewire and search all folder in it for videos and photos. If you find any that are sexually explicit in nature, then i would make this suggestion. Password protect the computer. Don't delete the files just yet. Confront him. Either he goes to get professional help, or you call the cops and turn him in. And don't make a threat you don't intend to keep. You love him, but you have to do what's best.

If you don't find anything illegal, then you are lucky so far, he hasn't ventured outside of the realm of imaginary fantasies. You can stop him and get him professional help immediately. But this time, make the threat, "Get help, or I'm leaving you!" And again, don't make a threat you don't intend to follow through with.

I guess the task is simple, instead of insulting him and calling him a sick freak or whatever is on your mind, get him help. It is the best for all parties, especially if you have kids together, or any kids that he might come across in the future.

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A female reader, Aeval Australia +, writes (18 September 2008):

Aeval agony auntx..BabyGirl..x? What on earth are you thinking?

this man has issues he likes little girls now you are telling his partner to have one?? Oh dear, Im am thinking you are either a young girl who can't quite grasp the servertiy of this situation or you are just suggesting this to get a reaction from people, either way not helpful.

To the poster.

I am with the other aunts, there is a problem.. I think you both need to get some professional help, maybe with councelling h can figure out what is goign on and you can learn to trust him again... having said that I have no doubt in the future if you were to have children then there would always be a quesiton in the back of your mind.

The other thing to ponder is globally now cops seems to be able to track these types of websites and know who is viewing them The UK the US and Aust are all part of it... so really its either you get him some help or the cops will....

Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008):

x..BabyGirl how old are you? "try for a baby" so everytime you see your boyfreind looking at young girls you should try for a baby?? This is the worst time to have children, to be honest men like him shouldn't have children. Temptation

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A female reader, x..BabyGirl..x United Kingdom +, writes (17 September 2008):

x..BabyGirl..x agony auntI honestly don't think you should leave him. Like others have said, he probably wouldn't even dream about touching a girl in real life.

Spend some time talking to him about it and how it makes you feel, and he probably wants to stop himself, offer to block the sites for him and see how he feels about it.

Offer to help him all the way through and maybe if you're ready start trying for a baby, it will make him think so much differently if he was about to become a father.

I really don't think you should leave him, help him before he gets arrested. It's the people who made the website who're in the wrong, he can't be blamed, people might think I'm being naive, but if you were to leave him, it would make him break down and he'd be just as likely to do it more but look at sexual clips of young girls.

He needs help. Good luck x Please help him, and be strong x

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A female reader, helpme86 United States +, writes (17 September 2008):

helpme86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

ok first of all not condoning his actions at all but he is not watching young girls being raped. It is not actually porn. They are modeling sites with young girls fully clothed. Again not saying that that is normal. It's not, if it was I wouldn't seek guidance. No I do not believe that he would touch a child and it is being addressed. I am going to ask him to seek help, but this issue needs to be handled as sensitively as possible. He is disgusted with himself right now and we are working through it slowly. I would appreciate guidance but without the negative remarks about him as a person.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008):

male reader, anonymous, How do you know what this man is thinking? you have no ideal. Looking at young children isn't the same as men looking at porn with adult women in it. Do not blame childhood for the way you are, my dad had a horrible childhood and he isn't a pedophile. You are watching young girls being raped, I hope youre proud of that and you can go on and blame the media or your childhood but it's all you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008):

DO NOT leave him. Take it from someone who does the same thing. It's a fantasy world, much like certain video games. He does not desire to ACTUALLY be with young girls. If fact, i bet he would never in his life touch a young girl. All the female posters here do not understand. These feelings are strong in me, much more then you would believe. These sites would not exist if they weren't. I assure you, he is a good person with a problem that even he does not understand. My assumption is that it is deeply rooted in childhood. Feelings of being "left out" of something that everyone else was enjoying while he was younger (even though they really were not). The media plays a big role in this. I swear to you that he IS the good person you believe him to be. And he is embarassed that you found out his secret, but he still cannot control himself. It is a societal problem that neeeds to be adressed. I implore you to help him stop and form a stronger relationship for having gone through this together.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008):

helpme86, your boyfreind a pedophile. Most people would leave their partner once they saw what you did. Like I said before, the one thing you can do. For him, yourself and the young children is get your boyfreind to seek help. Can you at least make sure he does that?

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A female reader, helpme86 United States +, writes (16 September 2008):

helpme86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

wow thanks for the sensitivity. Yes I suppose I sought your advice but if you were in this situation then maybe you would realize that it is easier said than done.

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A female reader, blackROSE1916 United States +, writes (16 September 2008):

Ok I am going to be blunt about this! He is looking at babies basically, but your thinking about your fears of losing him, co-dependency, and I am sorry if I come off harsh but you will have a hard blow one day, and wish you would have ignored the fact that he is not mentally stable!

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A female reader, blackROSE1916 United States +, writes (16 September 2008):

You run away far far away real quick, report it to the police immediately! I am sorry but that is sick love is not a factor in this situation~ sorry!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008):

x..BabyGirl, this isn't a drug, it isn't a habit. Like you are attracted to men, he is attracted to young girls and that will never change. It's sad but you can't change your attraction just hope these people don't act on it. The point is, if you stay with this man the thought will always be there. If you have kids, your be putting temptation in his way. When your kids bring their freinds around, more temptation and danger for those kids.

I would leave, I wouldn't care if I loved him so much. Knowing that he fancied young girls would knock all the love and respect out of me. I think you will stay with him, you would have left by now if you were going to leave. The only thing is to make him get help and see someone

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A female reader, x..BabyGirl..x United Kingdom +, writes (15 September 2008):

x..BabyGirl..x agony auntSet yourself up as the administrator on the computer and don't tell him the password to the administrator section. Then block all the inappropriate sites he's been visiting.

It's like drugs I guess. You do it, you get hooked, you know it's wrong, but you just can't get off it. He's probably killing himself inside everytime he goes on there, knowing he shouldn't, but he can't stop it, it's an addiction.

You need to help him. He wont be able to kick the habit without you. You need to block the sites using a parental control system (I know it sounds kinda odd, but they work) and tell him that you've done it to help him.

Help him get over it together. Maybe you could also try asking him if he found out that 26 year old men were getting off to pictures of his 9 year old daughter. It'll get him thinking.

Good luck, please don't give up on him, he needs to be helped through this, you need to be strong for him. x

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A female reader, helpme86 United States +, writes (15 September 2008):

helpme86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I appreciate everyone's view and opinions here, however I am still undecided on what to do I just love him more than anything or anyone on this earth. I was in a 5 year relationship prior to this and I would hve ended it in a heartbeat. I truley think that I have found my soulmate which makes this all that much harder.

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A female reader, SOLVEIG29 United Kingdom +, writes (15 September 2008):

To be honest hon if he is 26 years of age and finding pictures of 9-12 year olds arousing that is paedophilia. Whether he pursues it or not is legally irrelevant, thst's why so many men are arrested for simply having images on their computer. He has even admitted himself that it is messed up. He could not have admitted this and begun to cry if he did not know deep down he was feeling and thinking things about these young girls a 26 year old man should not be. An innocent person coming across a kids modelling site would more likely have laughed and said "Aww look at these aren't they cute?" or something.

Fact is, he didn't because he had a guilty conscience. A possibility that is a little more sinister also strikes me - he may well have done or want to do more about his impulses but was testing the water with you to see how you would react to the website. Why did you find it so easily?

I would feel very uncomfortable with him if I was in that situation. Yes he needs help but I think it should be single and without you.

Darling, I would break up with him. A previous poster, anonymous male reader on 14 September seems to see him as an everyday fetishist. I'm sorry but fetishes are not the same as paedophilia. The poster also writes "just because he finds pre-pubescent girls arousing.." EXCUSE ME?!! HE'S 26 YEARS OLD!!!!

Nope, lots of people do not feel like that about prepubescent children, & consenting adult fetishists are NOT the same as paedophiles.

It has come as such a shock to you because he otherwise seems so normal and loving right? Of course he does - they don't all wear anoraks and smell of BO, same as psychotic serial killers do not walk around with machetes sticking out of their backpacks on a daily basis. They all look like law abiding citizens and have otherwise normal, even loving, personality traits - it's why the wolves in sheeps clothing phrase was coined.

We're all a mix of good and bad, some just have more bad/dysfunctional/socially unacceptable than others. He is one of the latter. He will indeed have alot of good points. But this particular bad point of his outweighs all the good in him because of the severe and abusive nature of paedophilia.

Hon I'm sorry, by all means support this guy as a friend in getting help for his problem but give him a wide berth, do not envision a normal future with him and certainly do not risk having children with him. There are plenty of healthy men out there who do not get off on images of young girls. (Yuk...)

Love to you xxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008):

Your life will never be normal if you stay with him, I don't think any counselling can completely reprogram someones sexual desires. Do you really feel that you could ever have children with him and not worry to an extent that he might have an attraction to them, or even worse harm them in any way?

You will never get rid of that fear if you stay with him, I am truly sorry you are going through such an ordeal with someone that you love but I think this is such a powerful issue it will control your life entirely if you don't get out now.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008):

ok calm down you cruel hate mongers, i don’t know about the site itself but it just sounds like a site about little miss contests of the sort.

do you really believe that he will rape his own children? if that was the case then fathers would be raping there daughters when they in there 20's because men that that attractive……but they don’t!!!!

just because he finds pre pubescent girls arousing doesn’t mean he will find HIS arousing, i bet allot of people feel this way there just afraid to say anything

you think just because someone has a fetish they are going to get it by force, not likely.

my advice is to stay with him, he needs understanding not hate

the reason i take the stance is not because im a paedophile, im not, but because sexual desires i have make others throw up.

i really don’t think a councillor could do shit about it

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A female reader, helpme86 United States +, writes (14 September 2008):

helpme86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your help. I really appreciate it, I am addressing the issue but trying to do it as delicately as possible.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (14 September 2008):

I think you need to confront your boyfriend and get him to seek help.

It's not his fault and he can't help feeling this way but he needs to not act on it - not to look at sites or have fantasies.

There may be counselling available for him, you'd have to ask a doctor in confidence.

And I don't want to paint him as a monster, but if you have children of that age coming into contact with him then it is going to be a temptation. Like getting a guy who loves Japanese women to take an English class with 30 of them... he's going to be tempted.

Get him to see a doctor and download a programme onto your computer that allows you to set up "parental controls" and ban certain sites.

Good Luck!! xx

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (14 September 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntHe should seek help to deal with this immidiatly. The west currently has an extremely negative image of pedophiles (believe it or not, once child porn was produced legally) and as such it is better if HE seeks out aid on his own before he has a prison shrink trying to deal with his problem.

If the site hosts illegal content they often do it for money, if he gives his Credit Card details to such a site and the police then raids it, they WILL come to him. All western countries share this data. There was a huge operation when someone uploaded child porn to various servers for free and they arrested hundreds of people worldwide who had downloaded a significant portion of said content.

He MUST seek help for his problem, before it goes further or someone else finds out about it.

Also be careful, he may cry and say he is messed up, but that doesn't mean he is going to stop. He needs to deal with it ACTIVELY, not by making promises or crying but by seeking counseling and sticking with whatever program he is put on.

And you are right to be uncomfortable when kids are around. Be very very careful. I sure as hell wouldn't have any kids alone with him.

Demand he seeks help and don't take no for an answer.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008):

Why haven't you left? I would have packed my bags the moment I saw those pictures, you cannot change these people. Sorry but he will always be attracted to kids, and one day if you have kids you will have the fear he may do something to them. Get out, call the police if the kids pictures are ilegal.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008):

wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. This problem should really be addressed openly without fear. counseling is in order, I believe. You're boyfriend has a problem, but it doesn't mean he's a bad person, nor does it mean he doesn't love you or is attracted to you. he should be counseled for this issue, and I'm sure he can have children with you. Good luck.

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