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I can't understand why my husband wants us to 'swing'! This is destroying me! Help, any advice?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 April 2007) 13 Answers - (Newest, 7 June 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

i cant get my head around why my husband would want us to swing,is it because he dont fancy me anymore or because he`s bored with me,pls help me as this is destroying me an im feeling a waster and a failer

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A male reader, cat_that _curiosity_killed United States +, writes (7 June 2012):

One thing I hate is self righteousness ...electing a position of defiance or unwillingness to try and understand will earn you resentment and force your s.o. underground. That being said, like it has been advised previously ...marriage is a partnership....remember better OR worse? That means going through difficult times and through things you might not like. That's not to say you're obligated to fulfil every wish your partner has with no say, not at all. You should however make every attempt to meet in the middle and to try and understand what your partner wants and needs. You need to make every attempt to keep emotions under control as that will just lead to nasty fights. I know for my own curiosity it wasn't about someone being better than my partner or being dissatisfied ...do you only eat chicken all your life? No. Its just the curiosity for something different and a change from the norm. But both parties HAVE to be on board, there HAS to be compromise and communication PERIOD. If not it will be disaster. If either side stands on their opinion absolutely and without compromise, there will also be dissatisfaction and resentment. At an impasse you will need intervention. If there cannot be compromise there will be failure, and chances are that there are more problems beyond the issue of swinging. Finally...swinging should only ever be a supplement, never substitution. That is a recipe for trouble as well if not thought through. Your partner should ALWAYS be number one...and they should know it and NEVER doubt it. If there's a question there...you're not ready for swinging.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011):

I'm in the boat where I want to- she does not. I'm thinking of divorcing her over it. I feel like I'm surpressing a part of myself to make her happy. I love her very much- and expressed my feelings but shes not into it. I dont blame her, I do blame myself for bringing her into this and not telling her upfront.

Swinging has NOTHING to do with the way I love her. I really love this woman very much.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009):

He's pressing this as his desire to reach his fantasy has become stronger than his feelings for you. While it may not be a 100% concious decision, it's rude and inconsiderate. This has to be a very common occurance.

Swinging works when BOTH partners are 100% into it.. TO have that work they have to be 100% into each other. It's a rare combination... mostly fantasy stuff...

Here's a reality - in Swinging the WOMEN rule. Single men have ZERO value, single women UNLIMITED value... he's going to have a really HARD time swinging w/o you... however, you can gain control of the situation and stop it. He knows that and that's why he's reacting the way he is...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008):

i can understand how you feel, ever since i married my husband he tried to get me to interact with people and stuff but i refused. a few years later i found some hidden profiles and i had to ask him what did he want. I didn't understand it because we always have wild sex, so why look for anything. He told me he was curious and i thought what the hell he says he loves me and our sex and communication is great so i decided to give it a try to satisfy his curiosity and to be hones mine as well. so we met a few couples with the same interests and so on, then we decided to spice up with single guys and oh boy that went wrong--at least for me. We met with this guy that was bi and i didn't like him at all but my husband did and i played along...but i told my husband i did not want to see him anymore and guess what?.. one day late at night he invited him over without telling me, god! was i pissed off. then i spy them and it turned out that he decided to play by himself i saw the whole thing. later in the week i found the chat history

of my husband telling him that i didn't want him to come home anymore but that he really enjoyed his company so whenever he was online he would have certain password. So he came home and i was a beast to him. I told him that if he wanted to come out of the closet we would have to talk about it to see what i want to do....maybe i don't want to be with you i said. Your sex life is my problem so guess what? i an going to put my nose into it. He said that it was one time and final. Obviously i made him end the lifestyle, because anyways all i got for it was lousy lovers so it didn't do it for me. since then we have been out 3+years, our sex life hasn't change in fact it gets better with time but he is still trying to get back to it. So i have a question? Why would a man that has the perfect partner want to be with others? He still says is curiosity, i say curiosity about what, he has already experiment with others. i make sure i ask him if he is happy with me and he says i am his world, what is wrong with him? is he bi? he says he is not.

I would say to you give it a try only if are going to be active in all the chats and events, never by himself, and only if you are a little curios yourself, that way you will get what you want too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008):

please don't feel like it's your fault here. I have actually gone through this with my partner and participated in all kinds of things with him. Some I enjoyed, and some I didn't but then I found it became an obsession of his and I felt that one on one sex was no longer exciting enough for him. I decided awhile ago I didn't want to do it anymore but his reaction was so bad that I pretended that I still did too and continued on with it. I have again told him, only yesterday actually, that I don't want to do it anymore, that it doesn't make feel good about myself and I wanted only him. He has hardly spoken to me since and says I've changed completely, he is wrong there, because I'm the same person I just don't want to do it anymore. Now he's making me pay for it... so I will just have to see what happens. My guess is he'll play up on me down the track because just having me is not enough. My gut feeling is that you would feel like me, you may do it to start with thinking it was good for you both, but ulimately you'll probably be sorry. If you don't want to say yes straight away then it's not for you. hope this helps.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007):

I can not get it.....so many people that try to justify or make everything o.k....with this....fantasy is fantasy but in a marriage that is religiously based I believe that your religion must have some say so. that is not to say that you can not believe in this sort of thing. Some religions do not oppose such relationships. Christianity does. Many people that I have read about say that they believe that this is how nature intended. If that is truely how they feel fine......do not believe or pretend to be Christian. Christianity is against this behavior with no exception. Do not try to justify, rationalize or insult my intelect by suggesting that this behavior is or should be excepted by the norm. It is not the norm, this does not mean that it is wrong for you but do not say that it is o.k. for most mainstream religions.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007):

My partner talked me into swinging, and we did it for about a year. I believed the swinging would keep him from straying. How wrong I was! I found out he was contacting the women to see them alone, especially if I decided I didn't want to "see" that particular couple. I finally told him I didn't feel good about myself, and refused to do it anymore. He is now seeing prostitutes, and I am pretending I don't know. Yes, I had two or three great experiences, but to me, it was not worth it. I wish I had never done it.

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A male reader, Merchant  United Kingdom +, writes (27 April 2007):

My wife certainly shares this fantasy, but with friends. It is not that unusual particularly if the lady has a very strong sex drive like mine. Men of course often have huge sex drives, they want to experiment. It does not mean that they do not love their partners, additionally, the skills they 'learn' can be passed onto the marital bed. You might benefit!

Nonetheless, as I am doing with my wife, some degree of compromise has to be made. Why not give it a go yourself? Pick your partner on time and get him to pick yours the next.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007):

Hard to say why? It could just be 'pure fantasy' on his part--in which case I would say to you, don't take this to heart. He might just be the type of guy who is just loves spouting off about his sexual fantasies without having to act them out. All that means is he doesn't lack in love for you, he just lacks imagination in the bedroom. However, if indeed he wants to act on this, irregardless of your objections, he is definitely not a monogomous, committed man. So I am questioning his character. You say in your posting "I cant get my head around why my husband would want us to swing" Plainly this has come as a great shock. You ask us why is he doing this? I don't know..like Ariel has said, you do need to get some clarity. Ask him why. I can't help but think (and I could be wrong here), but if he were a committed. happily married man and clearly was devoted, he would not have even thought of flirting or entertaining these thoughts of swinging with other people. This could be a case of where he could've saved you all this pain and embarrassment, if he could have just fully realized your marriage was in trouble, long before he even approached this subject. I can only imagine how this hurt you to hear you suggest such a thing. I think you and he need to talk. Find out why he did this and then go from there. You may be forced to re-assess your marriage and figure out why swinging to him is something he wants. Swinging does not lead to particularly good sex and it certainly doesn't make sex special. Instead, it is a way of depersonalizing sex and de-romanticizing it by having partners numbly interchange some bodily fluids, in search of that one great orgasm! . If you both like it-I would say go for it..whatever floats your boat. But if you don't like it and you ever felt you should go along with it, you will be forever pained, resentful and angry with him for his infidelity and for coercing you into situations that would belittle you and make you feel degraded. Talk to hubby and stand your ground. No should ever make you feel this inadequate and hurt in a loving, healthy marriage. Ask yourself-Is you marriage healthy. Think about that and if it isn't...maybe you both could do with some marriage counseling. I strongly recommend it. Just my opinion, dear--take it or leave it. Take care and good luck!

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A female reader, Keria United Kingdom +, writes (26 April 2007):

While Ariel is right, the choice IS yours, and you can just tell him you don't want to do it... I still recommend that you be open-minded about it. Just consider it a little, and don't be out-right opposed to it. The fact that you just might be interested will drive your man nuts, and you can take advantage of this when you are having sex. Play up on it and be the boss. But still rent some soft core stuff and you may surprise yourself what you might like to do.

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A female reader, Keria United Kingdom +, writes (26 April 2007):

I was thinking more about this. Perhaps the whole swining concept is new to you, and it's newness is part of the problem. You might want to try renting some soft porn flicks that deal with partner sharing. I'm trying to remember the name of a really fun one that I watched. I say, "soft porn" because you may find the hard core not to be as erotic, and actually a turnoff. After watching a fun soft movie, you might be able to partake in the fantasy with him. Note, I'm still calling it a fantasy. It doesn't have to become a reality, but as a fantasy, at least you might be able to understand your husband better, and realize that it isn't about rejecting you.

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A female reader, Keria United Kingdom +, writes (26 April 2007):

This is a common fantasy that men have. Believe me, many women have it too. Some act out on it and find it a big disapointment, some find it saved their marriage and gave new excitement to both of them.

The main thing here though, is you don't want to do it. You should never be forced/coerced into doing something you don't want to do.

But don't be upset that he wants this. He can still love you and want to try swinging. Even tease him a bit about it when lovemaking. Just the thought of it at the time can give him added excitment. Make it clear later that it was just fantasy for you though and that you have no intention of carrying it through. Don't let it destory you... work with it, and have fun!

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A female reader, candyk United Kingdom +, writes (26 April 2007):

Im sure the reason isnt that he doesnt fancy you or that hes bored. People like to experiment with all kinds of things. He may just be curious. Talk to your husband about how you feel, he will be able to reassure you that he loves you and he shouldnt expect you to do anything you are not comfortable with. There are plenty of other ways to spice things up in the bedroom if thats what he is looking for

best wishes

x

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