A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i cant get my head around why my husband would want us to swing,is it because he dont fancy me anymore or because he`s bored with me,pls help me as this is destroying me an im feeling a waster and a failer Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): please don't feel like it's your fault here. I have actually gone through this with my partner and participated in all kinds of things with him. Some I enjoyed, and some I didn't but then I found it became an obsession of his and I felt that one on one sex was no longer exciting enough for him. I decided awhile ago I didn't want to do it anymore but his reaction was so bad that I pretended that I still did too and continued on with it. I have again told him, only yesterday actually, that I don't want to do it anymore, that it doesn't make feel good about myself and I wanted only him. He has hardly spoken to me since and says I've changed completely, he is wrong there, because I'm the same person I just don't want to do it anymore. Now he's making me pay for it... so I will just have to see what happens. My guess is he'll play up on me down the track because just having me is not enough. My gut feeling is that you would feel like me, you may do it to start with thinking it was good for you both, but ulimately you'll probably be sorry. If you don't want to say yes straight away then it's not for you. hope this helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): I can not get it.....so many people that try to justify or make everything o.k....with this....fantasy is fantasy but in a marriage that is religiously based I believe that your religion must have some say so. that is not to say that you can not believe in this sort of thing. Some religions do not oppose such relationships. Christianity does. Many people that I have read about say that they believe that this is how nature intended. If that is truely how they feel fine......do not believe or pretend to be Christian. Christianity is against this behavior with no exception. Do not try to justify, rationalize or insult my intelect by suggesting that this behavior is or should be excepted by the norm. It is not the norm, this does not mean that it is wrong for you but do not say that it is o.k. for most mainstream religions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): My partner talked me into swinging, and we did it for about a year. I believed the swinging would keep him from straying. How wrong I was! I found out he was contacting the women to see them alone, especially if I decided I didn't want to "see" that particular couple. I finally told him I didn't feel good about myself, and refused to do it anymore. He is now seeing prostitutes, and I am pretending I don't know. Yes, I had two or three great experiences, but to me, it was not worth it. I wish I had never done it.
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A
male
reader, Merchant +, writes (27 April 2007):
My wife certainly shares this fantasy, but with friends. It is not that unusual particularly if the lady has a very strong sex drive like mine. Men of course often have huge sex drives, they want to experiment. It does not mean that they do not love their partners, additionally, the skills they 'learn' can be passed onto the marital bed. You might benefit!
Nonetheless, as I am doing with my wife, some degree of compromise has to be made. Why not give it a go yourself? Pick your partner on time and get him to pick yours the next.
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A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (27 April 2007):
 Hard to say why? It could just be 'pure fantasy' on his part--in which case I would say to you, don't take this to heart. He might just be the type of guy who is just loves spouting off about his sexual fantasies without having to act them out. All that means is he doesn't lack in love for you, he just lacks imagination in the bedroom. However, if indeed he wants to act on this, irregardless of your objections, he is definitely not a monogomous, committed man. So I am questioning his character. You say in your posting "I cant get my head around why my husband would want us to swing" Plainly this has come as a great shock. You ask us why is he doing this? I don't know..like Ariel has said, you do need to get some clarity. Ask him why. I can't help but think (and I could be wrong here), but if he were a committed. happily married man and clearly was devoted, he would not have even thought of flirting or entertaining these thoughts of swinging with other people. This could be a case of where he could've saved you all this pain and embarrassment, if he could have just fully realized your marriage was in trouble, long before he even approached this subject. I can only imagine how this hurt you to hear you suggest such a thing. I think you and he need to talk. Find out why he did this and then go from there. You may be forced to re-assess your marriage and figure out why swinging to him is something he wants. Swinging does not lead to particularly good sex and it certainly doesn't make sex special. Instead, it is a way of depersonalizing sex and de-romanticizing it by having partners numbly interchange some bodily fluids, in search of that one great orgasm! . If you both like it-I would say go for it..whatever floats your boat. But if you don't like it and you ever felt you should go along with it, you will be forever pained, resentful and angry with him for his infidelity and for coercing you into situations that would belittle you and make you feel degraded. Talk to hubby and stand your ground. No should ever make you feel this inadequate and hurt in a loving, healthy marriage. Ask yourself-Is you marriage healthy. Think about that and if it isn't...maybe you both could do with some marriage counseling. I strongly recommend it. Just my opinion, dear--take it or leave it. Take care and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (26 April 2007):
While Ariel is right, the choice IS yours, and you can just tell him you don't want to do it... I still recommend that you be open-minded about it. Just consider it a little, and don't be out-right opposed to it. The fact that you just might be interested will drive your man nuts, and you can take advantage of this when you are having sex. Play up on it and be the boss. But still rent some soft core stuff and you may surprise yourself what you might like to do.
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A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (26 April 2007):
 Maybe he thinks there is a difference between sex and love.Has he given you a valid reason why he wants the two of you to swing?Swinging should be something two people want.Don't panic find out what has brought this on.Find out why?Don't let his request be a reflection of failure or that he does not fancy you.Just tell him you don't want to do it.
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (26 April 2007):
I was thinking more about this. Perhaps the whole swining concept is new to you, and it's newness is part of the problem. You might want to try renting some soft porn flicks that deal with partner sharing. I'm trying to remember the name of a really fun one that I watched. I say, "soft porn" because you may find the hard core not to be as erotic, and actually a turnoff. After watching a fun soft movie, you might be able to partake in the fantasy with him. Note, I'm still calling it a fantasy. It doesn't have to become a reality, but as a fantasy, at least you might be able to understand your husband better, and realize that it isn't about rejecting you.
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (26 April 2007):
This is a common fantasy that men have. Believe me, many women have it too. Some act out on it and find it a big disapointment, some find it saved their marriage and gave new excitement to both of them.
The main thing here though, is you don't want to do it. You should never be forced/coerced into doing something you don't want to do.
But don't be upset that he wants this. He can still love you and want to try swinging. Even tease him a bit about it when lovemaking. Just the thought of it at the time can give him added excitment. Make it clear later that it was just fantasy for you though and that you have no intention of carrying it through. Don't let it destory you... work with it, and have fun!
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A
female
reader, candyk +, writes (26 April 2007):
Im sure the reason isnt that he doesnt fancy you or that hes bored. People like to experiment with all kinds of things. He may just be curious. Talk to your husband about how you feel, he will be able to reassure you that he loves you and he shouldnt expect you to do anything you are not comfortable with. There are plenty of other ways to spice things up in the bedroom if thats what he is looking for
best wishes
x
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