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I can't trust that my boyfriend doesn't fantasise about other girls, how do I stop worrying?

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 November 2009) 10 Answers - (Newest, 3 December 2009)
A female Australia age 30-35, *innie73 writes:

Ok i need advice and help - especially from the males. I can't afford therapy!

I've had a boyfriend for over a year now, and no matter HOW much i read, or WHAT i tell myself, i CANNOT get my head around the issue of porn and fantasizing about other women.

In past relationships, i never noticed or even cared. So it was never an issue.

But in my current relationship - it's very open and honest and i now know how much guys actually DO - and i can't seem to be ok with it.

I don't think its a self esteem issue - im tall, slim, used to be a model and don't think badly about myself. I have a high sex drive and open to try anything.

But lately ive become controlling, clingy.. untrusting. If he doesn't want me ALL the time - i freak out that he's watching other women or fantasizing about other women. Even when we do it now - i worry he's imagining other girls. Its ridiculous because you can never know what someones thinking.

He says he cant think about other women, and doesn't want to. And doesnt look at porn. He's doing all this so he doesn't hurt me but i wish i could just relax about the whole thing. HOW ??

HOW do i learn to be ok with this? I don't like the person i've become!

As i said above, no matter how much research i do, i still can't get my head around it. And i need to work out how or it'll be a very unhappy and lonely life!

View related questions: porn, self esteem, sex drive

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009):

i feel similarly and aside from the guy who says he's so in love and doesnt fantasise...please can you clone yourself - joking - i need to learn how to be ok with my bf doing it. yeah i sometimes think that someones good looking but dont go on to fantasise about them - whereas if i was single i would. my bf stopped doing it for me but not cos he thinks its wrong and not even cos he doesnt want to hurt me but cos he couldnt face me flipping out at him about it. not cool and im trying to change that. i dont understand how you could do something if its so meaningless, when you know how much its hurting your partner though.

but i guess i can only change myself...any ways to stop being bothered by it? I recently tried to make myself think of other guys and it immediately made me feel guilty and wrong and then upset he might be thinking of girls at work etc. argh, tips please?

i didnt used to care about stuff like this but ever since i got so totally into my current bf i do - i guess before they were never quite what i wanted so i fantasised about better. and i guess i assume thats the same for him about me

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A male reader, TorontoJohn Canada +, writes (23 November 2009):

All men and women fantasize about others. It's a natural thing. When you watch a TV commercial, or read the latest People magazine, or see a billboard with an attractive person on it - it happens. It doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you. If you're watching an episode of Desperate Housewives and you think "huh, that guy is hot", it doesn't mean you want to cheat on your boyfriend. It's only a fantasy. It's exactly the same thing with pornography. The explicitness doesn't change the fact that you're still thinking of someone else. But remember...its only imagination.

Men and women will always look and as long as we don't act, then everything is gonna be just fine. Be confident in yourself and your man will love, appreciate and desire you for it.

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A male reader, sparrow75 United States +, writes (15 November 2009):

i think you need to grow up and realize that everyone fantasises about other people and theres nothing wrong with it now if he acts out on those fantasises and cheats on you then thats when you can get pissed

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A female reader, minnie73 Australia +, writes (7 November 2009):

minnie73 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

minnie73 agony auntThanks for the answers!

I KNOW its how men think - now. I'm not trying to stop him fantasizing - im wanting to know HOW women manage to be ok with their boyfriends thinking of other women and touching themself.

It's not a jealousy thing - im well aware he doesnt "love" these girls and its just physical. But i still can't get my head around it.

And yes i have become controlling and insecure in this relationship because this realisation about men has made me think im not what HE wants - not that im unattractive. I feel like im not able to satisfy him.

He said he doesn't , but thats not the point. I want to know how to relax about the issue so i don't care if he does or doesn't. I assume he does as apparently all men do.

I cant shake the feeling of betrayal.

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A male reader, Older Married Dude United States +, writes (6 November 2009):

Men fantsize about having many women, that's just how we are made, biologically speaking. What matters is what we do with that desire. Like most young women, you are insecure in your relationship because there is now something of value at stake. That is a difficult reality to live with. The funny thing is that it's not about the sex for you, it's about commitment. You didn't say if you are married, engaged, dating or just friends with privileges. That is why you can't get beyond the jealousy factor. Simply, you are insecure because you don't know where your "open and honest" relationship is going or where it's at. Right now you can't get past your feelings because you have the cart before the horse. Figure out the relationship stuff before you drive him (and yourself) crazy with conversations on other women. Once you get this in order, I suspect that your fears will disappear.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009):

I'm sorry you are feeling this way hun, but you are not the only one. You are not insecure about your looks, don't let people tell you this. What is happening is that you expect that men and women think alike, which they don't.

When a woman loves a man, she doesn't fantasize about sex with other men. It's just something that comes naturally to her. When she finds out the man in her life is, however, it feels like a betrayel and like her man wants the other woman. That is false thinking. Men are trained from very early to think differently. They are taught to objectify women and seperate them in two catagories....those that are for sex and those that are for marrying. This is foreign to women, although it is changing rapidly.

Second, men don't need to love a woman in order to have sex with her. They are even known to have sex with women they don't find attractive. I told a guy once that my pus** is attached to my heart and he responded that his heart is attached to his mind. Very different styles of thinking.

What I reccommend is that you practice this prayer :

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change some things and you will drive yourself crazy trying, so do yourself a favor...don't try to understand, learn to accept differences and your life will be more peaceful.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009):

Yeah, at least you KNOW you are attractive - you were a model, so yes, you are attractive. But the second poster is right, some of us are just average plain Janes and we just have to deal with it. Men watch porn, wether you like it or not, and they think sexually of other women. Hey, I hate that too. I don't like it one bit, but it's reality. In the end, guys say it means nothing, at least emotionally, so well. It means nothing, then.

Plus it's not like sometimes you have mild sexual thoughts about other guys, I'd be a hypocrite if I said I don't. While I don't actively look for porn or spend my time checking out guys, and I think of my boyfriend when I masturbate, sometimes sexual thoughts about other guys just come. Sometimes they are nice, other times they're like ew. I can't help it, and guys produce a ton more testosterone than us, so it figures that they can't help it, and it's like 100x more often.

So yeah, at least you're hot.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009):

I don't fantasize about other girls especially not when in bed with my girlfriend and I don't look at porn either. why do you assume that he's definitely fantasizing? Can't you see that there's a possibility he's not? when in other relationships I did do it I admit but mostly because I wasn't 100% in the relationship emotionally and mentally speaking. What I mean is, I had a girlfriend but I was always looking for someone better, waiting to upgrade, hence the fantasies and the porn. In my current relationship I feel 100% committed to her and in love and I'm actually proposing to her over the christmas holiday. Since we started seeing each other 3 years ago I have not felt the need or desire to fantasize about other women or look at porn. this is how I know she is the one for me, because I am totally satisfied by her in every way. I never thought I would find that but now that I have I understand how so many guys manage not to fantasize or look at porn in relationships whereas before i thought it wasn't possible. just food for thought- maybe he really loves you and actually doesn't fantasize?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009):

Unfortunately none of the mind controlling machines have made through the patent protocol. If one does, however, you will be able to monitor your boyfriend's fantasies. Until then, be happy you are tall, slim, and a formal model. That puts you in the cream of the crop as far as looks are concerned, and stop the crazy talk because other girls are sweating their asses off at the gym and starving themselves to catch someone's eye here and there. (sigh) It's a cold world out here



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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009):

Fantasy is a very natural and unavoidable part of sex. It helps people to discover what they like in bed and keeps sex interesting between couples. Fantasy doesn't mean that he wants to cheat on you or finds you unattractive - it means he has a healthy sexual appetite. And please understand that with the way your acting he will never even admit to fantasizing, not to mention sharing a steamy fantasy with you. Despite what you say, you sound terribly insecure and controlling in your relationship. Try being a little more open about the topic - once you hear what he fantasizes about you'll probably realize it isn't so threatening after all.

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