A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has hit a rough patch in life and I am not sure what is the best way to help him. He used to be on top of the world, successful in his career, financially comfortable, etc. Until he became a single father 8 years ago when the mother of his kids left him for someone else. We have been together for 2 years. He has always seemed emotionally stable, but early on in our relationship he revealed that he has had a death wish and if it were not for his kids needing him, he would choose to be gone. This made me sad to hear that he felt that way, however, I never saw evidence of this as when we were together, everything seemed blissful and he seemed very happy.His mood took a turn 5 months ago as he realized thathis financial situation was getting tight and he needed to find a job soon, as he had taken some time off to be a stay at home parent. He showed a tremendous amount of anxiety, nightmares, panic attacks in the months to follow. Then he expressed his need to distance himself from me. He said that he loved me so much that he couldnt bare to live without me and the prospects of staying in the area were looking bleak. I have been open to moving with him, but it is not a sure thing. He first distanced himself by spending less time, then by being passively attentive, and then in the last 2 months as the stress of what to do has hit a critical juncture, he has been short-tempered, verbally attacking, and taking his frustration out on me. He expresses that I cant possibly relate to how dire his situation is b/c I could ask family for help (I too am looking for a job and have kids and my situation is stressful) but if he doesnt get a job soon, he could be on the streets incapable of taking care of his kids. He has enough money in the bank to live for a year. But his fears and anxiety have taken him to an irrational mindset. Despite his need for space, I am reluctant to completely leave b/c he talks about wishing he was dead every other day. And often he falls into these emotional funks where he just sits there debilitated. I have tried to help him in many ways to alleviate the situation, be an ear to his problems, help pack, arrange his move, and I have encouraged him to get professional help as well. But he wont seek it stating that he doesnt have the money or the time.I love him tremendously and it is hurtful to see him go through this but at the same time he has been instigating fights with me and been out of character angry with me. The fighting has become an extra stress and so ugly, it has left me not wanting to even consider moving with him if he moves.I am confused for the following reasons: I cant tell if he really wants to die or he talks about it a lot for dramatic effect. I think he has anxiety that I am going to leave him like his ex had, so is he trying to push me away and find reasons to not like me as a defense mechanism? Or is this some sort of test? Will I still stay with him even after this time?
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