A
female
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asho320
writes:me and my bf are going out a year ,we are getting a house together in june(im so excited)we love each other to bits, we are getting married in few years, having kids in a good few years we love each other and wanna spend rest our lives together. just one problem.....i cant get his ex-gf out of my head everywhere i go i get jealous (they dont talk/see each other, they hate each other) but i just get jealous because she has done everything with him in the past and i mean everything! but i have not done everything with my ex-bfs in the past so i feel that she beat me to it and it hurts alot. what should i do to forget his ex-gf thats ruining my life?
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ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): Hi i kno how hard it is to get over a lovers ex. it is very hard especially coming from a boyfriend in which you made a husband. Before me and my husband were married in the begining of our dating process i would say 3 months into our relationship was good until he broke up with me because of his ex. I was angry but got over it and start dating other people to feel better. He came back i accepted him and we were together another couple of months and he went back to her again. So it was 2 times he had done the same thing and left me for the same person. but i gave him a 3rd chance and we are now married i hope all is well between us 2. girl i feel ya its hard
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): I think that anon e mouse has a lot of truth to his response. I to am in the same situation and its not because my husband and his ex are best friends or because he talks to her. When it comes down to it I am the problem. I have insecurities and the truth is its my own issue. Everyone has a past even I myself do, we just have to find the true source of our insecurity. As I write this it I feel it is part of my own healing process because I to want to stop thinking about his ex and just be HAPPY with the man I love. What I think happened in my case is that my father never told me I was beautiful or pretty. He was a good dad and he always told me I was special and smart and that i could do anything but I got down to it and could not remember a single time when he told me I was beautiful. Anyways the connection is that one of the few things my husband has said about his ex is that she was beautiful, and that was the reason he fell for her and that at the time and probably to this day she is the most beautiful woman he knows. But their relationship ended because in the end that was not enough to be with someone forever. I believe that information struck a cord with me and somehow it made me feel inferior to her. The truth is that I am the whole package that's why the ultimate bachelor married me!!! We need to focus on the truth and heal our wounds of the past. Just because my father failed to mention that I was beautiful it does not mean that its not true!!! I am beautiful and so much more!!! The proof is in the pudding. There is no need to be jealous of an ex, whatever she had you have and plus more! At least your man thinks so if not he would not he would not be with YOU!!! Say it out loud to yourself because it is truth, I AM SPECIAL, BEAUTIFUL, SMART, whatever it is that makes you unique because that is what has him right there with YOU!!! Love yourself, he loves already! God Bless
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A
female
reader, laken  +, writes (3 July 2008):
Hey,
I have the SAME problem!! have you come to terms with it yet??? I wish you all the best because the same exact thing is ruining my life and relationship!!! i havent read any of the replys yet but believe me i will! its awfullll!!! Let me know if youve came up with a way to make yourself feel better!! Take Care
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Hi - this issue occurs frequently so don't think that it is just you. And it seems to affect males and females equally so there does not appear to be any gender tendency.
This can happen for a variety of reasons and there are some good answers below for you to reflect on. You should also note that it can have destructive consequences so you do need to address it, if not for the reason of making you a happier person.
One way which helps people is to build up their own level of confidence in the relationship is by doing something unique together - something he hasn't done before , or you either. Doesn't have to be sexual, but does have to be memorable and does have to be together - a sky dive or parachute jump - swim with dolphins- learn a language together - go and do 3months volunteering , something that entwines you. You can find something you both want to do. Have a think. Search the internet. And then do it - together.
Good luck
Richard
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A
male
reader, edd_edd  +, writes (12 December 2007):
Hi You really dont need to forget about the ex girlfriend but just to realise it is his past before he was with you and has absolutely no reflection on you whatso ever. You are together now and planning a future together. The ex gf really doesnt matter. Think about this if one of your ex boyfriends had a new girlfriend and she was very jealous of you what would you say to her to make her feel better. You may say that although they were together once it did not work oput. So there we have it there is something she did not have with your boyfriend and that is a sucessful relationship and that is what most of us want out of life.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (12 December 2007):
What's wrong with you? You have the rest of your life to do all you want with him.Can you compare what lies ahead to what he had with his ex? Stop thinking about his ex and you are really lucky that they didn't remain best friends.No trauma for you.Ok the fact is that we all gonna be curious about our partner's past but how curious you become matters.You have him for now and as long as you can so you are on the advantageous side.Stop thinking about it too much and enjoy your relationship.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, rk06 +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I have been in your situation. It is a tough one. The only advice that I can give, is to weigh out the options.
A) Attempt to forget look passed it. I know its difficult, but maybe think of the reasons that you love him. After all, you werent in his life at the time.
B) Move on, accept nothing less than what you think is the best for you.
Love sucks sometimes. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, BellyDance +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I wouldn't worry to much about the exgirlfriend. Especially if they hate each other and don't even talk anymore. You boyfriend is with you because he loves you and there is obviously something there that his ex was lacking a lot of. Don't feel like you have to keep up with her, there is a reason why she's his EX.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): Maybe if enough females complain about this issue then eventually it won't be written off as just male ego, male insecurities, evidence of the double-standard, etc.
We're all naturally gonna care about our partners' pasts. Some people might feel this more strongly than others do but I don't believe anyone who says they truly do not care at all.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I had this very same issue with my now EX-girlfriend. A friend of mine was her brother's girlfriend and knew my history since we were friends and we talked about it - this was long before I met my girlfriend.
My first ever relationship lasted from the age of 17 to 23. After about 3 months we wanted to see each other all the time. After we both finished getting our qualifications we both got jobs and practically lived together either at her parents place or mine.
After about 3 years together we bought a house and lived there until it went tits up, we seperated, sold up and moved on.
For some reason I got the impression my now EX-girlfriend couldn't handle my past. I should mention that for 5 years after I split with my first ever girlfriend I was single and whilst did have a few short relationships, a few one-night-stands, I never found anyone special enough to commit to.
Then my latest girlfriend came along and I went with it. I remember thinking "Wow, I never thought I'd find someone so special - She's amazing!".
However, the fact I was with my first girlfriend for so long and we bought a house together was a bit of an issue I think.
My latest girlfriend wanted to get engaged after seeing each other for a year, which I seriously considered, but our relationship was turning more and more volatile (having spoken to a counseller about the break up as it did hit me hard even though I called it off) - I suspect she is bipolar (or BPD?).
One evening my EX and I were having a cosy night in, it was a Friday night and we thought we'd just relax and do something a bit more lively over the weekend. I cooked dinner, got a bottle of wine and we were about to watch the film we hired when she told me she had a horrible dream last night.
I asked her what it was about.
She told me she dreamt we were having a cosy night in, exactly like we were, when the doorbell wrang. I got up and answered the door. There crying in the doorway was my first girlfriend wearing a wedding dress. She was getting married that very evening but she couldn't go through with it. She told me she still loved me. Without a word I then left with her, just dissappeared, leaving my latest girlfriend in my flat on her own.
I told her that sounds awful and reassured her that I love HER and want to be with HER and not my first girlfriend. We had our time and split up for a reason and neither of us were the same person anymore. I had no contact with her for 5-6 years since the split. We then cuddled and watched the film and got an early night.
I don't know what brought all this on. Whether the dream was really a dream or whether she was testing me (or playing mind games) but all I ever wanted was HER.
At the end of the day what happened in the past can't be changed. All you can do is move on and look to the future. EVERYONE has a history.
Accept the fact he's with you NOW, you're getting a house, planning to get married and have a family TOGETHER.
I don't think you could possibly have any MORE signs than that - YOU'RE THE ONE HE'S CHOSEN TO BE WITH NOT HIS EX.
Don't let the PAST get the better of you, look to the future and enjoy it!
As for me, perhaps things would've been different had I popped the question. Maybe that was the reassurance she needed. I'll have to figure that one out for myself.
Take care, and just let yourself be happy!
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A
female
reader, shadytree +, writes (12 December 2007):
I honestly think you should look at your insecurity . what makes you feel inferior? Honestly you have him now, he probably really respects you for your decisions and thats why he is with her and not with you. Try and focus on all you bring to the table and how it is you that he is in love with and the proof is in the pudding ! Its all about what you choose to focus on , think why you're focusing on that aspect of what seems like a wonderful relationship ! Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Hmmm......I don't get what you mean about everything. But anyways....
The thing is, everyone feels they are living in the shadow of their bf/gf's ex when they first start going out. 1 year is not very long. The more you are together, the less you will feel the pings of jeolousy, because as time goes on you will end up doing everything and more with this man.
My fiance was engaged before I met him, she called it off 3 months before the wedding. When we got engaged and started planning the wedding I felt a little of that "walking in her shoes"...but you know what, in reality....I'm not. This relationship is working, where the last one didn't. And in that regard, all she is is a ghost of his past.
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