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I can't stop thinking about a girl who is half my age.

Tagged as: Age differences<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 August 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 4 September 2008)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hi. I am in my early fifties and i am lusting after a girl who is half my age. I am married man, so i feel very guilty about fancying this girl, but i find i cannot stop thinking about her. I am not in the habit of fancying girls of her age and i probably won't again.

She lives in the same block of flats as my wife and i, works 5 days a week, has her own car, is intelligent and when we meet she is very friendly to me.

Do you think i am going through a mid-life crisis?

My wife would kill me if she knew about my lusting for this girl! She is very possessive in the first place.

I find myself leaving for work earlier just so i can 'accidently' bump into her, and she has always has a kind word for me. But just yesterday i saw her getting out of her car and me and my wife were just getting in ours, and this time i literally jumped in our car, rushed my wife in and drove off as quick as i could. All this so my wife would not stop and talk to her!

When i have not engineered a meeting, we sometimes meet quite naturally and have conversation that could go on for hours, but this only happens when i know i am not in the eyeline of our kitchen window where my wife would see us. Otherwise i would be very reticient to talk to her at all.

I know that this girl will probably not reciprocate my feelings, so i am not hoping for an affair, but do you think i could ge over this. I do not fancy her for her looks, because though she is pretty, i am more attracted to her personality.

I don't want to be reproached for wanting a girl young enough to be my daughter, i feel bad about myself as it is, even though she is in her twenties, hazarding a guess i'd say about 25, so i couldnt be tarred as a pervert.

Please no lectures.

All i want is advice.

How can i get myself out of the pattern of engineering meetings? I do love my wife, i'd be lost without her, but this girl has really got to me.

Thanks for reading, hope you can help me out.

MG

View related questions: affair, married man

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008):

Dear MG,

I also have this problem with a younger woman who I just cannot stop thinking about. I will tell you what you could do but probably shouldn’t.

I found myself in a position of being a nice guy to this girl who was struggling with an abusive boyfriend. She called me one day and asked if I could please help her get out of this relationship. (I am a fairly big guy 6'2" 250lbs) anyway she was crying and I could not help myself. My wife is also very possessive of me but she was away working for the weekend. I ended up moving her in with us without telling my wife until she was on her way home.

As you can imagine things got pretty frosty right quick, if that wasn’t enough I got her a job working with me as well.

My wife came unhinged.

The up side of this whole debacle is that my wife started counseling for her control issues, I have come to understand the value of the woman I love and our commitment to each other, and we have had the best sex ever.

We spend more time together because she refuses to let this girl have one more minute with me than is absolutely necessary. The girl and my wife have become friends and she has since moved out on her own. But let me tell you the fighting and all the rest sure brought my wife and I 100% closer. (I will say for the record though, I didn’t know if I was going to survive the fallout.)

Best of luck to you MG, your going to need it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008):

The thrill is wonderful isn't it? You feel alive and young again, and full of possibilities.

The reality is, of course, very different. I don't need to tell you what you stand to lose.

You need to be a very strong man and not engineer any more meetings. It will nearly kill you for a while! Be assured that you won't die though.

Take good care of yourself and treasure what you hold most dear. Love and luck to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008):

I think the best thing you can do is to stop chatting this young lady up and avoid her completely. Even fantasizing about her needs to be stopped. It will be difficult at first but the more you practice, the easier it will become and you will break those neuron bonds so they loose their grip on you.

Take on a new interest in your wife, she will appreciate it and it will make you feel good to be so appreciated by her. You could join a card club or take dancing lessons..anything that will affirm that your wife is interesting, intelligent and beautiful.

You are a good man for getting this off your chest and not acting upon your desires. It renews my faith in men to read these kind of stories, god bless you.

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A male reader, Nick Man United States +, writes (11 August 2008):

Definitely--go with who you are married,

She probably already has a boyfriend now. Be smart, dont loose it all, and stay with the one you swore to be with for life, and tell yourself why you love the one you love. and tell her that you love her.

And she loves you back, so keep it that way, dont be tempted, and DONT MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT. That is important, because the bigger of a deal that you make it in your life, the more likely you are to think of her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008):

MG, you are right, most men do feel guilt when they think of straying. They feel they have failed their wife and family and, failure hurts a man. We know if you feel this way, then it plain to see you are not a habitual cheater ...and you are like the majority of married men...you are not looking to cheat. That really comes out clearly in your posting. We know you are married to a woman you love, and it might be safe to say she is your most faithful, best friend. So I think your infatuation with this younger female, is just that...an infatuation. You like her, and she is a temptation and every one of us is capable of falling off the fidelity wagon. Welcome to life. But the difference here , is you are aware of that and you know the huge price you could pay, if you were to fall off that wagon. So you must continue to think rationally.

You have been married to this lovely woman for many years. And when one is married for that long, they endure frustrations and challenges along the way. Men and women always need ego reinforcement/nourishing along the way and as the relationship/marriage evolves to one of many years, sometimes the quality of this reinforcement and nourishment slips a bit. So sometimes, the fantasy of an affair with a new partner can seem exciting. Woman do this same thing. Then the married person considers an affair to get that confirmation and that blast of passion from someone, who makes him/her feel worthy. I think you need to resolve this issue by simply talking to the woman you love the most, in this life and see if you both can get that passion back. Do not tell her of your temptations. Just communicate your feelings and what you need. Maybe you both have gotten complacent and need to get this relationship fired up again. Couple counseling may help you both a lot. But good, communication is key.

But, you need to remember, if you are a rational, devoted husband, then realize that rational people don't go looking for an affair, because that very 'act' is a whole lot of trouble. Think of all the repercussions from infidelity: The emotional stress, the pain and hurt, the deep wound you could be inflicting on a person you love (your wife), the loss of your family, the financial ruin of the divorce courts...etc. Are a few moments of 'sexual pleasure' with another woman, worth all that? So as far, as engineering meetings with this younger female, just make the 'choice' to stop doing that. You are an adult male, and you can control where your eyes and mind goes. Avoid this younger female at all costs, if you have to...but it's all up to you, to just stop setting a path that could create much pain and loss to the people, in your life that you do love.

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