A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Iv been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now, engaged for a year. I agree that I rushed into this relationship and I have nothing to say in my defense. I had known him for many years because we worked in the same place and he seemed great. However, as time has passed, I find myself with more and more reasons not to be with him. My family have grown to grudgingly accept him They think Im better than him in every way and I couldnt agree more. He's eleven years older, short and balding, he almost cheated on me once...I say almost because I caught him before anything could happen. He has since then mended his ways and has really changed and much as there are many things that I detest about him, I can say thatthe change is palpable.That being said, its still not enough for me. For starters, I cant stand his family because they seem to be utterly selfish who just feed on their son. He is full of sympathy and love for them and refuses to ever see reason. I understand that everyone loves their family and I cant expect him not to but to defend them even though they just mooch off him, is ridiculous! They are well-off but extremely stingy and self-centered. They came to my parents house for our engagement without as much as an engagement present for me and stayed here for days on end. Our families went on a holiday together and they literally didn't spend a penny, expecting my father to pay because he's the "Father of the Bride"I guess that's where my resentment started from, when I saw that they didnt have the basic decency or courtesy.My boyfriend doesn't have a stable job. He works on projects and makes just about enough money to sustain himself. He was extremely lazy and un-motivated, much like his father, who's happy sitting at home his entire life, feeding off old money. They've invested their money into real-estate and made money but yet I don't ever see them doing anything for their son when in fact, my boyfriend spent almost 10 years trying to save his father's business and help out with finances, which is why he actually lagged behind. However, now that they're well-off and their son isn't doing that well, they never reciprocate.. I understand that a grown man accepting help from his family is atrocious but then why does he have to be all over them, speaking to them 10 times a day and refusing to see them for what they are? I think its equally atrocious that I have to support him because why it have to be MY problem?Anyway, there are days when things are good between us; I dont live with him, Im working in a different city. But then something happens that just snaps something inside of me and I think, "what the hell am I doing with this guy"? "Am I really happy with him"?I have an excellent job and my family is well-to-do. I dont really see myself lacking in anything and there are times when I see myself as taking a step down in being with this guy.I dont know what Im really asking here, but do I really have a future with him? Or this is going to end in a disaster if we do happen to get married? And oh, by the way, his parents are really hankering for us to get married ASAP. Of course they see me as a catch, I know, they know and their son knows that he would never get anyone decent in this lifetime, at least.
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cheated on me, engaged, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 I don't think you have a future with him.
You list all the things that support us telling you to leave him.... therefore it seems you want us to give you permission to break an engagement and end the relationship.
Permission granted.
IF you marry him, all his faults will become twice as big as they are now and all the good points will fade by 50%....
A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 I understand you are ranting (When I rant about my husband and his family it may seem like I can't stand him/them either even though I really love him/them.) but judging on your post I really can't see a happy future for you if you stay with him. It's a good thing you are thinking about this before you marry him! I would sit down on a quiet evening when you are level headed and make a list of bad things and good things if you were to marry him. Try to imagine what it would be like to be his wife. Now if you find your still negative about marrying him then you need to gracefully end things. Remember your decision will have a huge impact on your life and should be treated with care. Think about the long run and what would make YOU happy. At the moment it sounds like leaving him would be your best option but if you are angry right now and just ranting then you need to wait until you have calmed down enough to think things clearly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): "I find myself with more and more reasons not to be with him."
"there are many things that I detest about him,"
"what the hell am I doing with this guy"? "Am I really happy with him"?
" I think its equally atrocious that I have to support him because why it have to be MY problem?"
" there are times when I see myself as taking a step down in being with this guy."
When you add all this up, I'm wondering why you accepted his proposal of marriage? I would suggest that you breakup. You'll have to return his ring. From what you say, it must be a strain on his personal finances.
You shouldn't be engaged to marry someone unless you love them. Sounds like breaking up with him would be a piece of cake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): Poor poor man. Let him go and find someone who will not look their nose down at him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 August 2014):
 Are you asking permission to dump a man you do not love?
I agree I don't get this pot either.
You feel like you are settling for a man who is beneath you and you are unsure what to do?
DUMP him, end it. Ask him to move out (if he is living with you/off you) and move on.
I don't think he will change anytime soon and become a responsible breadwinner, nor will his family change either.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 Woah!
You really don't like him at all do you? Or his unfortunate family.
Do the poor man and his family a favour and break up with him, they certainly don't deserve to have you bitching and hating on them!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 August 2014):
 Nothing in your submittal "tells me" that you are in love with this guy.... and/or could, or should, be looking forward to spending your life with him....
How about breaking things off now? .... before they ("things") get more complicated because, and when, you will be breaking up a marriage rather than an engagement?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 What a strange post.. I am not sure what you are really asking either.
Look, even putting aside the issue of his family . You may be right, you may be wrong, they could objectively be exploiters and moochers , or it could just be due to a different vision of parental relationships and money handling... but I don't feel this is the issue here.
Even if you loved his family- you despise the guy ! You clearly ooze contempt for him. You think he is not the right fit for you, and ,worse, that he is beneath you under all respects.
And... remind me please ? You want to marry him , why ?
I have been accused, on DC and IRL, of being a bit trigger happy with " just dump him already ". I - in part- admit the allegation, I am not a super traditional, supernurturing type who feels women should invest a lot of energies ( SOME, yes - a lot, not ) mending relationships and " working " at them.. I feel that having a husband, or a partner, is not like having clothes on your back - you DO need some kind of clothes on your back to repair yourself from bad weather ( and from arrest for indecent exposure ), so, if you can't have those you dream of, you'll make do with what you can get. But that does not apply to husbands, you won't die or get sick or go to jail for lack of one. And since I see things this way, I guess that's why I see the futility of "saving " relationships more often than the next person, and maybe that's just me, and my misperception.
But in your case ?.. I think that even the staunchest romantic nurturer, or the firmest believer in living as the half of a couple at any cost, would suggest you to terminate this charade. You basically detest the guy ! even of not 24/7, ok. And you ALSO detest his parents, which is somewhat incidental, seen the basic premises.
So : is this going to end in a disaster if you happen to get married ? YES ! Of course ! What else could it be ?!
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