A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. In July I met this girl and started seeing her for a month. At the start of September I asked her to be my girlfriend and through most of that month we had a pretty intense relationship. However, at the end of that month I went to university while she, being a year younger, continued to stay at school to do her final year. So began a long distance relationship, something we knew we were going to have to face when we got together and, while I missed her, we spent most days texting or on the phone so there was never a problem. She even visited me for a few days and I had the best couple of days I had had at university. Anyway, with only a week to go before the ten week term finished, whereby I would be home to see her, I did something completely stupid. Having got really drunk I kissed someone I had never met before at a club. What pains me is it took at least five minutes for me to realise what I had done, but as soon as I realised I left the club and by the time I was home I was inconsolable. It had made me realise how much I loved my girlfriend and I think it occurred purely because I missed the physical side of being with her, while surrounded in an environment of temptation. I was distraught and phoned her up immediately. While she was hurt and cried on the phone she also told me she loved me. The next day she phoned to tell me she appreciated that I had told her and that she loves me too much for it to end the relationship. We went back to texting as per usual but I was still ridden with guilt as I felt like I had destroyed the innocence of the relationship. When I got back home to see her, we discussed it face to face and since then everything has continued perfectly as if nothing ever happened. So why can’t I shake the guilt? Every time I see a happy relationship I feel awful and I keep feeling that she doesn’t deserve me. She is completely untroubled and says she doesn’t mind anymore and for the first week of the holidays I was so happy to see her again the guilt appeared to vanish. I’m in the second week of the holidays and I am starting to feel down again. I don’t want to discuss it with her because she wants to keep it in the past and I want to continue to be the happy person that she fell in love with. But when I am away from her I start to feel guilty to the point I become so agitated, I am terrified I won’t be able to deal with next term. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don’t want my own self pity and guilt to prevent a brilliant relationship. How do I get over this as it is preventing me from truly embracing my relationship?
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drunk, fell in love, long distance, text, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): I am the original poster of the question. Thank you very much for your replies. I have taken a week to think about things. I realise that the rational thing to do is to put it in the past and move on and that is what I am trying to do. However, even with this recognition, I still feel awful. I have realised that it is societies view on what I did that is making me feel like this. I feel I have tainted the relationship even though my girlfriend is fine with what I did. There is no rational reason for it. It is triggered by silly things such as films, songs and photos of other people's perfect relationships. It is like I have OCD and I can't come to terms with the fact I have tainted the relationship for myself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): I agree with the previous poster; you are being too hard on yourself. The fact that you told her straight away and she has forgiven you shows you both deeply care about each other, and she can trust you to be truthful with her. I think you need to think about whether or not this is really what you want (or whether or not you are ready). Are you ready to commit? Do you truly love her? If so then enjoy your relationship and you must forgive yourself, stay away from temptation when possible and never get so drunk that you don't know what you are doing. However if you still have some 'wild oats to sew' and are worried you are going to do it again then maybe its just not the right time.
personally I think you both sound really happy together and can learn from this mistake. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now, and for half of that time he was in the military so we had a long distance relationship. This happened to us as well, we both made mistakes.... but we definitely learned from them and now we are happier than ever.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (22 December 2014):
 I think you're being way too hard on yourself at this point.
You made a mistake - a very small one, in the great scheme of cheating behaviors. The guilt you're feeling about it tells me (and should reassure you) that that isn't who you are.
You were honest with her. You came clean without her catching you in a lie, or in the act of anything, which means you have a working conscience.
She forgave you, which means you have an awesome girlfriend. Accept her forgiveness and stop bringing up the past. Not only do you relive it when you do that, you force her to relive it too, and she's already told you she'd rather it stay in the past.
If you're still looking for some sort of outlet for the guilt, use it as a motivator to drink more responsibly at parties. Every time you have a choice to accept those last few beers, the ones that will put you over the line into sh*tfaced drunkenness and the impaired decisions that result, think of your girlfriend and politely decline. Let this one little mistake strengthen the heck out of your relationship by reminding you to keep responsible habits.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): don't beat yourself up about it. things happen, just be thankful she could forgive you and enjoy your relationship.
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