A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have know my best friend for 11 years we are family, ever since she was diagnosed with depression she lies to me about everything, who she's with, where's she going. I can't trust her anymore, it makes me really upset because all I want to do is care for her and make sure she's okay, even when someone tells me she's doing something she shouldn't she won't tell me. I've never told anyone her secrets and I am a very loyal person but she's been sneaking around and doing drugs (weed and alcohol) I don't know if I should end the friendship we've had for as long as I can remember, tell someone who can care for her or put up with her issues and be unhappy.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 July 2016):
 Sweetie as you said she is family to you so off course you want to look after her and care for her. But the sad truth is you can't. She needs to look after herself and make herself feel better. I think she lies to you probably because she does not want to explain herself to you or want you to judge what she is doing. She is in an unhappy place, and using narcotics to make herself feel better, she probably knows deep down that it is wrong, but she is going down a dangerous road, she is lying to the people she loves because she knows they will be ashamed. Yes she does need help, but she needs to ask for it herself. Believe me I have been there, the closer you try to get to her, the more she will push you away. My advice is to stay in the background, don't tell anyone and tell her you are there for her if you need her, but other than that take a back step and let her figure it out herself.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 July 2016):
 My boyfriend and I have very severe depression and no therapists because the waiting times are really long, can't afford a private one and when we finally get one, they tend to be too crappy at understanding, so we have to go back on the waiting list.
It's tough having such bad depression and it manifests itself in different ways. Your friend's depression has manifested itself in a physically harmful way - her drinking and taking drugs to escape. You should stop trying to control her, which is what your version of caring is doing; it's smothering her. People tell you, like you're her parole officer or mother, when she's doing something she "shouldn't", but it's not the place of a friend to watch over her like that.
I had a best friend who was toxic to me because I constantly tried to help him, but he'd ditch me whenever his old friends (drinking, smoking, etc.) were around. After a year, I gave up trying and cut contact. He got kicked out of college because he reverted back to ditching class too.
You can't help people who don't want to be helped and your help is too much any way. She needs her own life and you're unintentionally making it worse because you judge her actions like a mother would, that's where at least some of the lies are coming from.
Take plenty of steps back or let it fade altogether.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (13 July 2016):
 Well I can tell you this for a fact, your friend is much more than depressed. I hold true to the belief that 99% of the time depression is a symptom of something deeper and so it appears to be in this case, one possibility, for example, is she is using narcotics to subconsciously self-medicate a mood disorder.
She may well be lying to avoid judgement etc and its right to say you cant tell her how to run her life etc. Maybe you have involved yourself but I doubt very much that is the whole story. I would imagine she probably invited you in to some degree and does relish the level of involvement you have and subtly encourage that.
Some distance would help and I do think you need that for your own self presevation. If you want to help then all you can really do is try to get her to realise what is going on because she wont change unless she first accepts the need to change and she will only do that when she realises how self destructive her behaviour is not just of herself but the people around her and care for her. Other than that you really cannot do anything for her and you have to let go and realise that for yourself otherwise you will only end up hurting yourself. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 July 2016):
 I used to be best friends with a dude who was a compulsive liar, he used to tell me things I knew weren't true and when I'd call him out he would try and worm him way out every single time. It got to a point where I didn't know what to believe anymore and I just couldn't even stand to be around him because it just seemed like such an odd behaviour that I couldn't understand.
There's nothing you can do to help her unfortunately, if you've suggested she have some therapy for her problems and she's declined, then you're going to have to leave her be to decide what path she takes. It's a shame to see a friend in such a bad way, but there's nothing you can do to help them if they won't help their self.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 July 2016):
 Pretty much agree with everything WiseOwlE said.
Being best friend or even just friend doesn't mean you have to watch over her, no matter how many dumb things she does. Her life, HER choices.
Pushing people away and self-destructive behaviors are without doubt "side-effects" of her depression, but if she doesn't seek treatment but CHOOSES to "self-medicate" there really isn't much you can do.
IF you don't agree with what she does and how she lives her life, fine... let the friendship run it's course and focus on POSITIVE things in your life. You obviously need to accept that YOU can not "fix" or change her. She is who she is.
YOU do you. She can do whatever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2016): She's a grown woman and basically she can do whatever she pleases. You love her, and you've basically assigned yourself to be her caretaker and second mother.
That is plucking her last and final nerve, so stop it. You are to much into her personal-life. A diagnosis of depression doesn't mean she requires you to be her around-the-clock nursemaid. I'm not being mean to you, but I'm going to shoot straight from the hip.
Stop acting like me years ago! Cut it out! Heed my warning!
She is lying a to avoid your judgment; and to dodge your constant intrusion on her social-life. She is evading your unsolicited opinions. Read your post, you are terribly critical of someone you're calling a best friend. Why wouldn't she avoid you?
If she is smoking weed and drinking too much; you have made it clear to her, and to us, that's all against your moral principles. Well, apparently it's not her job to live up to your values.
She gave you 11 years, perhaps it is time for a change. She's not who she used to be. It is not your responsibility to change her. If she has depression, she has a therapist. All you can do is support her, visit her when she's in her lucid moments, and start making new friends.
Surely there are other people in your life who would appreciate you more than she does right now? If you have no romantic inclinations towards her, perhaps it's time to
focus more on your own life and concentrating on your personal love-life. You have a lot of love to give, so shift it to another recipient. She's going downhill, don't allow her to drag you with her.
It's hard letting go, you've invested 11 great years. Now, it's time to distance yourself. You can't tell her how she must conduct her life. She is obviously pushing you away.
If you can't put up with her issues any longer. Don't!
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