A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am having trouble letting go of anger and resentment for someone that has got under my skin.The guy isn't a close friend, he was more of an acquaintance that I would see and speak to from time to time due to overlapping friendship groups. Which makes me think I shouldn't even be that bothered about it.In a nutshell he slept with someone that I used to see and it irritated me to the point of me refusing to speak to him anymore. He has confronted me various times apologising and asking to sort things out, which results in me telling him to go away. He's asked at least 3 of my friends to try and ask them to see if I will speak to him, they told him its nothing to do with them.Problem for me is I have no interest in trying to amend things but I can't seem to let go of my anger and it's starting to bug me as it feels like it's stopping me from getting over this girl also.Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 Move on. The only person you are letting down is yourself. Holding on to anger for this long is not healthy. He done nothing wrong. She done nothing wrong, and if you cannot control your feelings then you will never be able to hold down a serious relationship. Move on, go out on dates meet new girls. Block your ex from all social media and him and live your life. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because it will be you left on the shelf.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was actually ME that wanted to get together with her. She was the one that said no to a relationship because she has plans to go travelling. A lot of people are surprised by this thinking that I'm the one saying I didn't want a relationship which isn't the case.
Yes, I think youre right that I am obsessing over this because I think there's a part of me that will never stop caring for her. I've told her this and she's told me the same, but she said she doesn't want to hurt me anymore as she feels like she was leading me on. This is why I need to move on from this because we're just not right for each other. Maybe at a different stage in life we would be, but right now we're not compatible.
Believe me, if I could go out and get her I would be doing. We've blocked each other on everything to go no contact.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 Really?!? She's begging to see you, and you're pretty much wasting away into a hollow shell of a man when you're apart, and "We're not viable" is the ONLY reason you're not together?! You go absolutely insane when another guy gets with her, yet you don't speak to her. When she does "break you down", the two of you jump into the sack faster than you can say "Let's do it!".
You're obsessive, and it's making you alone. HOW THE HELL CAN you want different things in life, when it looks like all the two of you want is EACH OTHER?!??! REALLY?! I'm not going to give you sympathy. I'd probably grab you by the collar and shake some sense into your obsessed brain.
"Wanting different things". REALLY. So when you two were together, you sabotaged it, even if she did the breakup initiation. You could be in absolute bliss right now once you stop looking at a relationship as a collective of "WANTS" and start thinking of it as walking a same path together! If you both were the same, life would be boring as absolute hell!
So stop lying to me AND YOURSELF and tell me the REAL reason why you're not with her, and if you can't come up with something better than "Wanting different things" to say to me, then GO FIND HER and get her back. Stop playing the "I'm not talking" game, because life is way too damn short.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, this guy knew we were seeing each other I live in a very small town and it was quite public knowledge. Believe me I know how stupid this sounds to write down and for an outsider to read, it must sound absolutely ridiculous. I'm not trying to get any sympathy for this, I am legitimately trying to move past this and get on with my life, so much to the extent that I have been to see a councillor to try and let this problem go.
A relationship is not viable for us, we've both discussed it and it just won't work out due to wanting different things in life currently. I really want to let go of her and that's why I'm here because I don't know how to. We have both been as bad as each other, about 2 months ago everytime I saw her she wouldn't leave me alone and was basically begging to speak to me, which I refused as I had too many conflicting emotions in my mind and I thought it would be a bad idea to go back Down that road. She eventually broke me down and we talked and stupidly ended up sleeping together about a month ago and it basically put me back to square one and messed with my head again of where we stood with each other.
We had another discussion following sleeping together and both agreed it would be stupid to begin seeing each other again because of wanting different things. I've now not spoken to her since that day and trying to put it to the back of my mind.
Thank you both for your inputs so far
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 May 2017):
This one is an easy one, and it is one of THE cardinal rules of friendship, at least when it comes to us women. I know you're a guy, and I know that you guys follow the same rule, but it's much more emphasized with women because of the emotional component to it. However, due to your reaction to this, I believe you're affected in the same way.
The rule is: If you're friends with someone, and you KNOW that they were with someone and you want to ask them out or become intimate, if you value the friendship, you ask the friend if it's alright first. Otherwise, it could spell the end of a friendship for a bunch of reasons, the primary two being the one you're being affected by - not being over the ex and having a friend move in on her, and the other reason being you're trying to get AWAY from your ex, and a friend seeing them gives them access you don't want them to have. You're in the former.
You said it yourself - you aren't over this girl. You also failed to mention whether or not this acquaintance KNEW that she's your ex. If this guy didn't know when he got with her, that's not his fault, and you're wronging him without explaining to him what is bothering you. If he DID know full well that you and she were together, and ESPECIALLY if your breakup had been recent and he swooped in to sleep with her knowing full well that your feelings were raw, then he's lucky you didn't punch him in the eye.
You need to deal with two issues here. One - this girl and you are no longer together. You've been letting this not getting along thing go on far too long, and you're wasting time now. Bury it and move on with your life! She should fade into the distant memory, like that song from Gotye - she's just somebody that you used to know.
If you want to know the truth, the person you should be the most angry with isn't him. It's not her. It's yourself. If you wanted this girl, then why are you not STILL WITH HER?? If your relationship hadn't ended in the first place, this never would have happened. After you two split, she wasn't going to go into a state of tortured suspended animation, staying in a celibate chaste status for as long as she lives. If it hadn't been your friend, it would have eventually been some other guy, because she has moved on. You need to either DO THE SAME, or get her back. She didn't GO BEHIND YOUR BACK to sleep with anyone, because you as an EX have no back to go around. She could sleep with 100 people right in front of you, and you have no say whatsoever in what she's about because you let her go. So stop with the territorial crap, and either reconcile with her, or let her go.
It's not your acquaintance that's keeping you from getting over her. This one's all on you, 100%. Stop wasting time and get out of this rut you're in, and stop blaming anyone else for your emotional state when it comes to this girl. You've been chewing on this so much that you've idealized her into something the real her isn't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not even remotely trying to claim any ownership over this girl. I am very, very well aware that things are over between us and I trying my damned hardest to get this out of my head. I know how stupid this sounds, I stated in my post that I know I shouldn't be bothered by this, but I am and there's not a great deal I can do about that.
I failed to mention something that makes this post sound even sillier. This guy has a reputation for being a sleazy character, he has been found talking to and meeting girls that his friends are speaking to. This girl in question is the ex gf of a guy in his current friendship group. I left out that why I think this is bothering me so much is because I just remember her being a sweet, innocent girl and thought better of her than going behind her exes back and sleeping with one of his friends, I guess that's what got me.
I am really trying to move on from this, I found this out 7 months ago and every time I see either of them I just feel annoyed all over again, I'm at my wits end with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (3 May 2017):
 So you think this guy, who you barely know, should not have slept with a girl you used to see? Exactly what claim do you think you have on her? Let me tell you, my friend: you have absolutely NO claim on her. She is a free agent and can sleep with whoever she pleases. This guy did nothing wrong and it beggars belief he has tried to apologize to you about this incident. IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. She is not your property.
I suspect you are redirecting your anger at her onto him but that is really irrelevant, because neither of them owe you anything.
Your friends are being very sensible and mature by staying out of this silliness. You need to get over yourself before you start losing these friends.
Move on, find yourself a new girlfriend and leave the past where it belongs.
...............................
|
