A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Some time ago I got out of a long relationship (7 years, the only serious relationship I have had) after she moved away for grad school, and now I am trying to move on by going on some dates (but no second dates). My ex was beautiful. Maybe not a super model, but I think most people would agree she could do better than me (including her, which I think is part of why she broke up with me, although there was more to it than that and I’m sure she would deny physical attraction was a factor). When we started dating I was an athlete and trained 2 or 3 hours every day, so I was quite fit. She actually asked me out. Otherwise we would not have dated since I’m quite shy and not confident enough to ask out girls like that. Early in our relationship, I got seriously injured and while I recovered, I lost about 50 lbs just from not exercising. Since then I have been busy with school and never really got back into it. I feel even less confident than I did before since I feel like I am not attractive any more. I have started exercising a lot lately so I can feel sexy again, but I have a long way to go and the holidays set me back a lot.So the problem is, the other girls I have seen are much less beautiful and it makes me miss my ex. I know it’s shallow of me to think that way but I can’t help feeling sad and that I was lucky to be with my ex. One of the girls I went out with invited me to her home at the end of the night and wanted to do stuff. I know I shouldn’t do that on the first date, but I have been feeling very lonely and craving some intimacy, so I agreed. It also felt good to be wanted in that way. But even though I wanted to, I could not get in to it, and it was obvious... Again, I realize that it’s shallow of me to feel that way, but my subconscious took control. I told her it was just because I was nervous but she clearly felt offended and awkward. I did not hear from her again.I know looks shouldn’t matter, but it’s hard to not think about. And it’s hard to be anything more than friendly when I can’t help longing for my ex.What can I do to get rid of these thoughts? I feel terrible for being so shallow and I know I should be focusing on more important qualities. Thanks for reading.
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broke up, miss my ex, move on, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 January 2019):
 Nah. Be shallow. We are all shallow. Thats the truth. But it is fully possible to be both shallow and apprechiate good qualities in a person. Once you meet a woman with a spark in her eye, who makes you laugh and is sexy, you will learn that she too is beautiful, even if she look completely different from your ex.
Havent you ever looked at a person someone else deems beautiful (maybe a super model?) and thought to yourself that they are not your cup of tea? Everyone apprechiates beauty. But still its a compilation of many different bits and parts that we like, and people have different tastes. Ask yourself what exactly did you like about your ex? Her nose? Eyes? Lips? Hair? Body type? Butt? Maybe you will learn something new about yourself. But no point in trying to not be shallow. You either are attracted to someone or you are not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2019): I agree, you still like her, you hold a candle for her so no one else compares. I was like this for a long time when my daughters father left me, i thought i would never get over him.
Just give it time, don't try and date until you feel you are moving on from her, you will know when you are ready to...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2019): It is not her beauty you are missing. It is losing someone you loved. You still love her and you are not over her yet and that is preventing you from starting a new relationship with another girl. At present even if you meet the most beautiful Holywood star you will still yearn for your ex. Simply you are not over her yet. But with time you will get over her. Time is the best healer as they say. You will never forget her of course but you will be able to love again. In the mean time you are doing the right thing by going back to your exercises. Go out, keep busy and meet other people, concentrate on your work or studies. You will be ok as time passes believe me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2019): Start by leaning towards manhood and your maturity. You shouldn't hold so much regard for looks or superficial things in women. That's objectifying them; and placing them up on a pedestal. You only want someone you can cherish like a trophy; not someone you can care for tenderly, and truly feel sincere affection for. Waving her around like a banner signifying your greatest conquest!
Her appearance and beauty was a boost to your ego; so you tied your self-esteem and self-worth to it. Now you feel you have no value and you're less attractive; because you don't have your trophy to show-off. Your prized-possession to present to the world, or to gratify your vanity. Women absolute loathe that in men! That mindset is messing you up; but you've learned your lesson. Your post is evidence of that.
It is a character-flaw you better take seriously and work on. She knew you didn't really care about her; you were using her to boost and promote your image. Parading around like a peacock with your "hot chick" and gym-body. "Look at me and my hot trophy-woman!" Well, pride comes before a fall; and you can't base a relationship on conceit and narcissism. You can't use other people for glory and self-promotion.
Stop admitting how you know it's superficial; yet sticking to the mindset. If you know it's wrong, you say it's wrong; then stop doing it! Nothing is more bull manure than when people say they can't help it. That actually means they don't want to. Well, if you suffer long enough for it; you will eventually correct it. You're not a confused teenage kid anymore. You're a man. Behave like one!
Maybe she just wanted to be loved, not a better looking guy.
Who wants to be paraded around like a prize pony? Arm-candy to showoff to your boys and be envied! Do you really miss her, or miss that???
Life is teaching you a brutal lesson. Love will not find you until you learn what it is. It's not what pleases the eye, it's what fulfills the heart and soul.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2019): There will be plenty of people here telling you how wrong you are, focusing on the looks of a girl alone and having such narrow definition of beauty. I agree with them. Yes, you've got a completely wrong approach to dating here. However, I'd like to reach out to something deeper that I caught on from your post OP. 1. You're not ready to find love. Why?You should be looking for another individual to love but it's quite clear, you're looking for a part of yourself, which you don't have. You feel less about your own physical beauty and hence value what YOU LACK (according to your own opinion ofcourse). It looks like you've got really obsessed about the part of you that you hate- looks. The first concern is you get out of this obsession with regard to yourself. How are you going to cut others some slack if you judge yourself so harshly? How can we expect you to love someone who looks average, but has let's say an amazing intellect or a great sense of humour/ talent or creativity? When you seem to think you're useless because you don't look great? I think the day you love yourself and recognize your worth, when you work towards the development of your personality is when you will be ready to find love. Right now you not only sound shallow, but also like this guy whose life revolves around body. It's almost like an OCD for you. You probably look and judge everyone through this yellow glass of yours. You aren't having a healthy, balanced outlook on life. There are so many aspects to think about and all you can ever think about is body, pounds, exercise, shape whatever... Please force your interests and mind to grow in other directions as well. Your fantasy of Ken and Barbie at the beach, once you've achieved it, you'll suddenly realize there are so many things that matter which you were blind to. I'm surprised there aren't any other qualities that turn you on!
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