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I can't have sex with my husband anymore, what can we do?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2006) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 December 2009)
A female , anonymous writes:

I am no longer in love with and have not been able to feel enough physical attraction to have sex with my husband for the last year. We have not slept in the same room for one year. We have been married for 21 years and were mostly happy - he has been a very good husband in many important ways but I felt that there was an underlying criticism of me that always made me feel unhappy - no matter how much I did I felt there would always be something I had not got right. Last year, I think we became bored with each other, my husband had some family problems which caused him to withdraw from me and it seemed like our relationship had taken its course. The situation is so bad I am very sure I will not be able to resume sex with my husband. I have tried for a year to work it out, hoping the feeling would come back but we have done the usual thing and both become involved with someone else which makes it harder to work things out. He very much wants us to resume our relationhsip but he has told me that we have to have sex to continue our marriage. Is my marriage doomed?

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (1 December 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntI wonder if she is still checking on this post...3 YEARS LATER?!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009):

I am at a loss as to what to tell you. First od all do you love him? Is the relationship worth it? I cannot imagine living ina sexless marraige, however people do it. Makes me soooo sad that i want to cry. He is a great person otherwise?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2006):

i have been to counselling but find it hard to discuss the sex problems - if he was there I would be afraid to hurt my husbands feelings as well as embarrassed. We have never had a good sex life - he always wanted more than me and I never found it satisfying only too mechanical as we had to use aids for me to have orgasm. When the relationship went downhill the sex became even more difficult for me. We agreed to an open marriage and we both have lovers that we still see. The sex with mine is fantastic - I feel like it is so natural and completely calming - it puts me on another plane which I have never experienced before. My husband is having sex with a woman that I think may have had many lovers before and I worry about his sexual health. This makes it doubly hard to try with my husband.I recognise all my husbands good points but I feel I have lost the necessary affection for my husband to even try to start to be intimate with him. I resent that he criticised me so much when I tried to do my best during our marriage. I dont feel that he fully accepted me for who I was with all my faults - I feel he thinks he is superior to me. Whereas my lover makes me feel like I can do no wrong even when I do and accepts all of me "just as I am".

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006):

Unless you can figure out how to achieve sexual intimacy with your husband again, there is no way the two of you can have a happy marriage again. Seek counseling. There may some things you will discover that will help you get past this problem. You didn't say whether or not you used to have good sex. If you did at one time, there's a good chance you just need to work through what's bugging you, and it will return. If you've never had good sexual chemistry then I'd say it might be time to end the relationship. Best of luck. I hope it works out.

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