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I can’t get the thoughts of her having sex with her exes out of my head!

Tagged as: Age differences, Health, Long distance, Sex, Teenage, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 16 May 2018)
A male Belgium age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hello, my girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 4 months now. I am 17 and she is 20, I know most people would say this is a recipe for chaos and it probably is.. In 2 months I will be going to Brazil (I am from Belgium BTW) to meet her. And next year we will probably live together (in the same country I mean). We are really good together, we both had a bad childhood, we are very similar in every way except interests and hobbies sadly, but that can always change.

Now this is all good and well but there is one thing that troubles me. I'm a virgin but she has slept with 5 guys, all of these are her exes. She had sex regularly with all of them and with 2 of them she never used a condom.. I've always been extremely conservative when it comes to sex, I've always been one to wait for the perfect girl and knowing that she had regular sex with 5 guys is a thought I haven't been able to get out of my head. It's like my mind forces me to watch her having sex with them (often in troubling ways, especially those where she didn't use a condom). I can't seem to stop these thoughts and I'm afraid it will affect our relationship. To be really honest, I don't even know if I want to have sex with her anymore, I'm going there just to be with her because I love her so much. I don't know why this disgusts me so much. The idea that she gave oral sex and vaginal sex to guys and that they came inside of her is so damn painful.

We are both devoted to each other and I don't think she will cheat me but I still have this fear, I still get horribly jealous with everything, I think this may have its roots in my rather lacking childhood.

I really want to know if there is a way to get rid of these thoughts, ending the relationship is out of the question, I really want to fix this but I have no idea how, I have 0 experience with this and she doesn't have any idea either.

Thank you in advance!

View related questions: condom, her ex, jealous, long distance, oral sex, vagina

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI DO think this is a recipe for chaos (as you put it). You have only "sort of" known her for 4 months and RESENTMENT and DISGUST towards her is already building. And over something SHE can not change!

She had no idea before she met BF #1 through #5 that she would meet YOU, a virgin who prefers a partner who is actually ALSO a virgin. THAT is your preference. NOT HERS!

So in those areas (sex, morals and values) you two are NOT a good fit.

She can't change the past and I don't think you can change how YOU feel either. Life isn't THAT easy.

Then we have the whole - living on different sides of the World. What is the actual plan here? You say in one year, you will probably live together in the same country. OK... So if you move there can you even get work? Or if she moves to Belgium can she? How about Visas?

Brazil is a VERY liberal country. Belgium is well a bit less liberal but still fairly liberal. Yet, there is a BIG cultural difference between Brazil and Belgium.

YOU two have never met in person. While I'm not saying EITHER of you are lying, but... you really DO NOT know her. YOU know what she has told you and she knows what you have told her. Which I bet is mostly true, but colored from YOUR/HER perspective only.

You are NOT in love, you are INFATUATED with the IDEA of her and the idea of love. It is SO easy to get caught up in the fantasy of LOVE.

However, you have already found some fault with her that you aren't sure you can even move past, SO why proceed? Is that fair on her that YOU are so judgmental of her past? SHE did nothing wrong in having BF's. Just because you are a virgin (or sexually non-experienced) doesn't MAKE you a better person that her. You do know that, right? You have made DIFFERENT choices in life than she has. Doesn't make YOUR choices right and hers wrong, does it?

I REALLY think you should rethink all this. You have only talked to her for 4 months and a MEGA issue has shown up. An issue that CAN NOT be fixed or changed.

I get you are caught up in the moment and the fantasy but this ... has DISASTER written all over. For you, and for her. Neither of you deserve that. And it might be a COSTLY mistake to make.

If you are already REPULSED by the fact that she has had sex, you need to accept that and LET HER go. She doesn't deserve to be judged by you.

Move on, wish her well. Look for someone to date closer to home and closer to yourself in culture, values, morals and general beliefs.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 May 2018):

N91 agony auntI’ll be honest, this has all the makings to be an absolute disaster.

Firstly, you don’t even know each other. 4 months? That’s nothing, you haven’t even seen her in person. How do you know that you will get on? It’s easy to speak to someone online but it could be a whole different ball game in person. You aren’t in love after 4 months. It’s absolutely not possible. She could of fed you any bullshit she wanted to online and you’d believe it because you have no way of knowing whether she’s telling the truth or not. You’re in love with what she’s told you, you are NOT in love with that person because you know nothing about her.

How are you expecting to be together in the next year? You’re only 17, you’re going to have a job and house in another country within a year? I think you’re being extremely rash about all of this and you’re probably clinging to the potential of this situation because you’ve never really connected with anyone because of your upbringing.

You’re already showing extreme levels of jealousy. That will NOT go away without proper help such as councilling. You can’t just turn off feelings like that, something deeply psychological has triggered that and you need to get to the root cause of it. I really think you need to work on yourself before getting into a relationship, you know yourself that you get jealous and I think it will get much worse.

How certain are you that you’re speaking to who you think you are? Something about this just sounds way off to me. A 20 year old woman wanting to date a 17 year old from another country.....I’d be very careful if I were you.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (15 May 2018):

janniepeg agony auntEnding the relationship is out of the question. Like, forever? Why lock yourself in this pain and how can you be so sure that this 4 month love is what you want for the rest of your life? I think retroactive jealousy is more of a stubbornness to end a relationship than to tell your mind to stop obsessive thoughts. Maybe it's your lacking childhood that's causing you to attract pain in your life. It's not so much that the age difference and the distance causing chaos, it's the fact that you are going into this knowing you would be tortured by your own thoughts and that you probably won't want to have sex with her. Don't base your decision to have a relationship on feelings alone because that too can die down. What you have is infatuation. Real love takes time, patience and years of connection. A person has to be emotionally strong before going on a romantic journey. One who is too afraid to be hurt, such that his/her emotional being would be wrecked if something goes wrong, is too weak to handle a relationship. You should develop confidence, and have a well reserve of abundant love inside you, before you can love others.

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