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I can't get my girlfriend's casual past out of my head!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 October 2008)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend and I have been together since 3 months now.I am 26 and she is 24.She's beautiful,sexy,honest and fun.

My problem is i cant get over her casual past.It keeps haunting me.

She has numerous casual sexual encounters and has tried almost all drugs.

She was sexually molested as a child between the ages of 5-12 by her uncles and it seems her sexual past is a by product of that.

She has been with over 30 men in the past,has 3-4 one night stands,has had 2-3 friends for benefits situations,has had sex with 2 men who were over 40 and it all tears me apart.

I love her and am trying my best to forget her past but the images keep coming back to me.

on the other hand, i have just been with 2 women in the past,one my ex girlfriend and another a casual relationship which i ended after 2 encounters since i didn't feel it was meaningful enough.I have never tried drugs in my life and never will.

I know she loves me and tells me i am the one and she has the best sex with me and has never experiences emotions like that before.I know i should be able to forget it all and move on cause i want a future with this girl but still,thoughts come across once in a while and I keep thinking of her pleasuring other men and all the casual sex she had.I don't know how to handle it.

What bothers me most is that if she values love and emotions so much,why did she give herself away so easily ?

Please help.

View related questions: drugs, ex girlfriend, her past, move on, my ex, one night stand, sexual past

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A male reader, Passthrough United States +, writes (11 October 2008):

Passthrough agony auntHonestly, once the seed has been planted, it's very hard to get over it. It's entirely up to you, but I can tell you, I have been there.

Personally, some associate sex with fun, some with love, and some with both. Some are able to disassociate one from the other, forming dualites similar to the mental states of those who live in a fantasy to escape reality.

Again, it's entirely up to you. I have been there, I have done my research and put large amounts of thought into it. But in the end, it all comes down to your choice. Just remember a relationship 'law': If you are unhappy, and you doubt it will be able to be resolved, and working with it is wearing you down, do what you'd do down the line and save yourself travelling that far for nothing.

If you are able, make an account and shoot me a PM. I just have a personal question so that I may gather perspective.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The drugs she used were within limitations.Her parents were unable to understand the situation as they are from another culture and were immigrants.They probably didnt know how to handle their daughter's situation.

She is not in contact with any of her ex's.however, she is still friends with one or two guys she slept with.

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A male reader, Passthrough United States +, writes (11 October 2008):

Passthrough agony auntWell, to see it from more than one point of view, were the drugs recreational (fun), prescribed, manditory (addiction)?

Were they abused, used within limitations?

Why didnt her parents do anything about this abuse she suffered? Why arent they in the picture now?

I'm no psychic, but I'm willing to bet she has issues with her parents, and possibly her siblings, if she has any.

And yes, I can agree, she is likely honest, beautiful, fun, but when you think about it, is she relationship material? How do you know you're not another short-term?

Think about where you stand. Is she staying at your place? What contact does she have with her ex's/acquaintences? How do you feel she thinks of you?

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A female reader, xelax United Kingdom +, writes (11 October 2008):

Well i think her past has alot to do with, nobody can ever imagine what she must have gone through BUT im sure you knew about her past when you started dating, her past is her past and it should be left there. She says she loves you and you love her back so i dont see a problem, from what i've read she has not given you any reason to believe that shes sleeping around while shes been with you. Yes she has made them mistakes in the past because of what she went through, she was young it traumatised her and maybe she didnt care about anything or anyone which could be a result of her doing what she did, i think you should support her and stand by her like, i said her past is her past and should be left there.

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A female reader, :):):) United Kingdom +, writes (11 October 2008):

I understand it must be difficult to imagine how your girlfriend used to be, but think of it this way. She hasnt been lucky enough to find a good partner in the past, thats the main reason she has has had quite a few sexual partners. And at 24, 3-4 one night stands isnt a great deal. As for the drugs, they play a substansive part in society nowadays and lots of young people get caught up in that scene. Your girlfriend unfortunately happens to be amongst them.

But now she is with you and is obviously happy being with you as you are of being with her. She trusts you enough to confide in you. Concentrate on the here and now. I'm sure everyone has one or two things theyve done that they regret doing. x

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A female reader, howcomehoney France +, writes (11 October 2008):

howcomehoney agony auntThe past is just that: the past. Your girlfriend loves you now, and she's not going to cheat on you. She has had the experiences she needed. Childhood abuse is not something to be taken lightly, and it leaves stains. If she's doing okay now, if she has everything sorted out in her head, if she has goals and ambitions and is happy in her life, there is no problem.

It's normal that you feel strange about her past. It's weird to think about your girlfriend with other people, to imagine her sleeping with other guys. Don't dwell on it. There is no point.

Why did she give herself away so easily? Well, childhood trauma like hers means that she probably has major trust issues. In one-night stands and non-serious relationships, trust doesn't come up, because there is nothing there to worry about. You don't have to stress about if the person really loves you or if you're going to give them everything and they're going to screw you over, because it's clear from the start that it's not going to be a possibility. Yes, she slept with them, but she didn't give HERSELF away. It was just sex.

With you, she is giving herself to you. She trusts you and she loves you, and that is probably a huge thing for her.

Get over her past. It was something she needed to live through. You need to prove to her that you can be trusted, that she can be herself with you, that you love her for who she is, messy past included. If she can trust you, then that's enormous, and you shouldn't take it lightly. It's a wonderful thing. You can be very good for her. Just love her and reassure her and remember that whatever happened before all came before you.

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