A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I don't really know where to start. I guess I need your advice because it's been 17 years and I cannot forget this guy I met when I was eight years old. We went to the same school, for three years, he used to visit after school, then I moved away, and we lost contact. I searched for him online when I was about 16 and we started texting, but then after I heard nothing back once, this stopped too. At 17 I met another guy online, a couple of years older than me, and we ended up in an (unhappy) 4 year relationship. During this time the first guy texted me, but because I felt guilty about how much I wanted to see him, because I had a boyfriend, I didn't reply.Cue me, aged 22, leaving my (not very nice) boyfriend who I had moved in with me because he had nowhere else to go, long story, another time perhaps, to chase a dream and moving back to my home town to try and 'get over' this man who throughout my first 'relationship' with not-nice man, I had been dreaming about constantly. (Towards the end of this relationship with not-nice man I had got in contact with dream guy again and we had added each other on a social networking site).I just assumed I was looking for an escape route, and that I was thinking about dream-guy as a way to deal with how bad I was feeling. I moved back to try and convince myself of this, because I hadn't spoken to dream guy in 14 years.I was out with some mates one night, and heading over towards the bar. Suddenly I tripped over and landed right in his arms, no joke, he had turned up at the same bar, and we literally bumped into each other. Richard Curtis would have had a field day. Even now when I hear the song that was playing it feels like I'm melting away to somewhere nice.We said hello, he recognised me, and when he touched my arm in a friendly way it felt like magic. We bumped into each other another night, at a club, and he walked me to his shared flat with his mates where we talked and then when I said I better get a taxi he said just to crash on his bed. Nothing happened, we just slept next to each other, in clothes, and I swear that is the best nights sleep I've had.I got a job in town and he would often come by to buy stuff (but stuff he would've bought anyway, with or without me working there.)I later realised he had a girlfriend, so threw all thoughts of telling him how I felt away.One night out with mutual friends, I had my first kiss with someone other than my first not nice relationship guy.I got very drunk in a club. Turned out the guy (not dream guy) was no better than bad relationship guy, and gave me the 'your place or mine' to which I replied 'neither'.It sounds daft but I was wasted, and, not kidding, this guy had a similar shirt. People from our group when I got back to my flat said at first they thought I had been kissing dream guy! Classic.Whats worse, is when I got up to make my escape while creepy guy went for a slash, THERE was dream guy, on his phone! Argh!Whenever he came in to the shop, he was always nice to me, and I'm sure he was flirting, and one time he definitely made a point of saying goodbye and then my name.He leant me a novel to read, posted it through my door, and in return I bought him a cookie and got his flatmate to stick it to his door with the returned book as a thank you.After three months he left his girlfriend, and because I didn't want to 'swoop', and give him time, I didn't tell him. This was just before Christmas.Suddenly, wham bam! He got with another girl, who he then used to bring in to the shop. She seemed really sweet, but God it killed me to see them together.That's when he started calling me 'mate'. I became worried that I had freaked him out with the cookie thing, I know it was childish but I guess because we'd known each other as kids it felt like an okay thing to do.I tried to get over him, and had my fun, (as did each guy I was with, I wouldn't agree but I get a lot of compliments from guys) but when I woke up all I could think about was him.In the end I ended up leaving the town after Christmas and 'unadding' him on the social site, because I couldn't bear to see his updates. I sent him a message late one night, just before I did, as a sort of explanation, apologising for my actions, but I didn't really say why I had acted the way I did.I later heard that he left the girl he was with, but I don't know if he is with someone now.The last time I saw him or looked on his profile page was four years ago, but I can't stop thinking of him. I dream about him most nights, and I don't know what to do. It's been four years since I stopped all contact, and 17 since we first met.If anyone has any thoughts on any of this, please reply.Thank you in advance for your help. I am at my wits end!x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): The one that got away... or not?
In some respects, it's seemed like a timing issue, but then again, he also has shown he is not that into you.
When you re-connected online when you were 16, the contact dropped off when you heard nothing back... sure, we can say it's youth, but after those 8 years if he had felt the same, he would have used that golden opportunity to finally re-connect more!
You then got involved... fast forward a few years. In all this time, YOU had kept thinking of him, dreaming of him, but how did HE feel? We don't know...
Then a chance encounter when you moved back home, only to find out, he had a girlfriend. That would explain why he didn't pursue you THAT time. You had a job in town, and even though he may have used many opportunities to come into the store, to flirt, to smile, to fuel your fantasy, he could do nothing because he was taken.
When he broke off with his girlfriend, THAT was the real golden opportunity. You gave him space so you would not be the rebound girl, but before you could say DREAM MAN, he already had someone else?!? To top it off, he would bring her to the store!!! eeek. It could have been innocent, he did after all call you "mate" and perhaps only sees you as a friend? Or, if he felt more, it could have been to make you jealous so you would act up and force a discussion. Nope, you were mature and waited it out.
Eventually because you can't stop thinking about him, the less hurtful way was to take him off your social sites, and leave town. THAT is when I would have done things differently. When you sent the last message explaining or apologising for your actions, that is when you could have opened your heart and told him everything. You had nothing to lose. He needed to know once and for all, this is how you feel, how does he feel? Just a special friend, or more? If so, then pursue, or time for you to move on.
The rebound girl didn't last, and who knows what is the situation now. After 4 years, anything is possible.
I would say for the sake of peace and your sanity ;-) look for him on the social sites again, re-connect and find out if he is married/engaged/serious with someone. If he is, then you need to move on. If he really felt strongly about you, he would have followed you to the ends of the earth to make it happen! If however you find out he is still single, then make one last effort and re-connect and share with him how you feel. This may be your last opportunity, so spare nothing and be totally open and honest. He can then say if he ever felt the same, if timing wasn't right, or whether he only sees you as a special friend, in which case you can close that Chapter and free your heart and soul of him, so you can be free to find someone that loves you completely.
Good Luck on this journey :)
Wishing you happiness,
xxxx E
A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Hurry up and et him know how you feel already. Don't waste another minute.
Good luck!
Jeff
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