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I can't climax and I'm worried he will leave me because of it

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 January 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 February 2019)
A female United States age , anonymous writes:

Hi, I am in need of some advice. I have been dating a really nice man for over a month. We have been intimate with him a few times. It was an amazing experience even though, I did not climax. He seemed really worried about it. Would tell me when I do get there, it turns him on. He has at times had ED, when he thinks a woman is not turned on. The first two times he had no problem, but the last time ended up losing it. I have only slept with a few men and not had a problem except for the last man, I dated over three years ago. He treated me like a rag doll and not even cared, if I was getting any enjoyment out of the experience. I keep telling my man that I think he is handsome and sexy. He had mentioned that maybe he doesn't turn me on, which is not true. I am at a loss of what to do. I know it is my issue. I try to relax and not to be in my head, when we are together. I still enjoy being with him even when it doesn't happen. I am afraid he is going to leave me, if things don't change.

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A female reader, Loxy511 United Kingdom +, writes (1 February 2019):

I am 28 and I think I have climaxed less that 10 times throughout my various different partners without any self assistance! Very frustrating.

It may be something mental - my therapist has suggested that I have conditioned myself to thinking that I am not good enough to accept pleasure from anyone - but this isn't about me, it is about you - I just wanted to share that I sort of relate to you on some level.

Things change, people change as I am sure you are aware, and this also follows suit where sex is concerned too.

Perhaps it is a case of just trying out some new ideas, being brave with finding out what feels really good together and if you can think about what it is that stops you from reaching nirvana at the point you are most close - it might help you to figure out the key.

Some more hands (and tongue) on attention beforehand will probably be a good place to start! If you know the best way to get to the end point going solo, then perhaps incorporate that into your duo routine - it is what works for me! Without getting too graphic, I find it best when he is behind me and I have my hands free to give myself that turbo charge! It is surprising how much of a turn on it is for guys too - they don't see it as being incompetent, they see it as you being comfortable enough to share that experience with him. Think - the wonderful invention that is the clitoris is so bloody difficult for anyone to work, especially if they don't have one themselves! Show your guy how it needs to be looked after - we can adjust to every little movement when going solo - but our guys can't read our minds when giving it a go themselves :-D

When he sees you getting some pleasure I am sure it will just click and turn into an upward spiral. Hell, bring out the toys if it helps honey! We all want the same end game in the bedroom so show him how it works - you might feel like a silly teenager again, but isn't that part of the fun of getting to know each other? Take the pressure off - it is supposed to be enjoyable and fun - I am sure it has been in the past!

Best of luck and I hope you find your orgasms again xx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2019):

Well first of all, it sounds like you need much more foreplay. Try watching porn together and as your watching it you both position yourselves so you can watch each other touch yourselves, and make a rule that you can't touch each other just yet.

Have a glass of wine so you can be very relaxed!

You have orgasmed before him, correct?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019):

I was with my boyfriend a few months before i climaxed. Yes he wanted me to have one but not because of his own anxiety but more he wanted to please me. The man you was dating did put too much pressure on you and that came from his own anxiety on his performance, somewhere along the line an ex lover has criticised or maybe cheated on him?

His talk of other women again was to hide his lack of confidence and again to put it on you that he sometimes suffered from ED. It could quite easily be that if he is in the age bracket as you he sometimes suffers from it because of health reasons in some way.

He lacks self confidence in a lot of ways and doesn't have the confidence to know that for women climaxing is not going to happen every time and there are factors that come into play on if and when we have one, so many factors.

My monthly period affects my libido, lack of sleep, foreplay before hand and how well i am getting on with my partner has an impact on the probability of climaxing. Yes my partner mentions if i have one or not sometimes and i remind him of the many factors. It IS normal that someone you are with and who loves you or has the view to it being long term will want to please you BUT it sounds like this is more about him and his performance rather than it being about it being about you.

He sounds controlling in a lot of ways and after a month i would be parting ways because in this short amount of time it should be getting to know each other and there being a chemistry to build on, you say you had one but it is slowly amounting to nothing by the sounds of it....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019):

I want to thank everyone, who replied to my question. The answers really helped me think and realize, what I should do. He was really attentive, gave me compliments etc. before we slept together. He started talking a lot about other women he had been with, which I thought was unnecessary. I thought about how I told him about my bad past experience with that man, he said he was not like that. I realized he was pressuring me about sex by being passive aggressive. I take responsibility for giving in so soon. It eVer since we slept together I have not been happy, felt under so much pressure to please him, I would feel empty. I also realized that he was not as attentive as he was before. I felt like I had to constantly reassure him and show affection towards him. He was not being affectionate towards me at all. I also let him make all the decisions on what to do in terms of outings and what restaurants to go to. The last time, I picked the place, he complained on not getting the soup, before the meal. He could not let it go. Even mentioned it a few days later, at another restaurant. I was losing my voice and trying to make someone, who is hard to please happy, while sacrificing my own happiness. It is important to try and make each other happy, while in a relationship, but has to be mutual, which it wasn't. A new relationship, should be fun and exciting, not full of pressure and stress. Need to move on, lessons learned ??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2019):

You're not sexually-compatible. Sex is important in a relationship for him. Maybe not so for you.

He's looking for a climactic sexual-experience in bed; maybe because he has some insecurities, and now he's got performance-anxiety. Women often complain men don't take time to satisfy them to orgasm; and obviously he has dealt with someone like that. Now he's trying to be the kind of guy who will try to please you. How does he tell you are satisfied; or enjoyed having sex with him? How does he tell you're not just submitting to him to keep him around?

You've chosen a partner who needs something you may never be able to offer. My guess is he'll slowly lose interest. Meanwhile, you'll get all stressed about it.

Take sex out of the picture for awhile; and see if he'll stick around, and knows how to be romantic and affectionate in other ways. If you don't have the chemistry both physically and mentally during sex; what's the point of having it? He's going to get frustrated; and men do not like having ED in-front of his sex-partner!!!

I don't think talking about it will help much. He needs an orgasm from you to validate his performance. Part of his turn-on is getting you there too! What can you do?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou're an extremely new couple, so this isn't major yet. You both have issues, though:

- You can't climax

- He knows nothing about climaxing (how it's not the be all/end all) and he blames his ED on the woman's body!

You being turned on or not is NOT causing his ED. He clearly struggles with it sometimes and has decided to put that on women, not seek a medical opinion. How are you supposed to relax if you're worried you'll "cause" his ED?

You should not be reassuring him about YOUR issue climaxing. He's highly insecure if he's reacting this way - especially after only one month. Perhaps you've rushed the relationship:

- he needs to do some research in to how the female body works sexually

- he needs to see a doctor about his ED, not dismiss it as due to the women

- you're not relaxed enough to be intimate with him yet and he's unintentionally putting extra pressure on you

Slow things down. You've both rushed into this and you both need to work on the things I've mentioned that are truly causing the issues.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 January 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWow, no pressure then! I don't know about you, but being EXPECTED to climax would be a definite TURN-OFF for me.

Does your man realize that most women don't climax via penetration alone but need additional stimulation? Does he ensure you are turned on via foreplay before going for penetration? There is much more to sex than sticking it in and wiggling it about. If he gets ED, he can still carry on pleasuring YOU. He presumably has a mouth and hands.

I think you and your new man need to TALK as well as DO. You both need to tell the other what you like, what turns you on, what gives you pleasure. Everyone is different and nobody is a mind reader.

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