A
female
age
26-29,
*zechplease
writes:Hi,So I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 years total now with some time in between here and there. I've been on the fence about breaking up with her for the entirety of this summer but I haven't been able to act on it because she is suicidal and has attempted to kill herself when i broke up with her before. I feel like I'm on thin ice in this relationship and i can't ever speak my mind because of the risk of her getting angry and sad. Often times i feel like i have to lie to her just to spare her feelings (if i want alone time or want to hang out with my family i have to tell her i have an obligation or else she feels rejected by me.) She also hates that i like to hang out with my family. My mother does tend to be demanding with my time but so is my girlfriend. She always asks questions like "If you had to choose between me and your family who would you choose?" and "If your family was talking badly about me, would you stand up for me?" For the first question i've tried to explain that i shouldn't have to choose between my girlfriend and my family and the response is always "I guess i know the real answer then." I am a bit of a family person but they make me happy and i make sure to divide my time evenly with them and her but she says I need to care about her more than my family. she doesn't have much family so she cant relate and has much more free time than me right now, so she expects me to hang out with her for at least 6-8 hours a day. And when I tell her I need to go home and she freaks out and i tell her that we did hang out for 6 hours she says something like "oh so you've been counting? I'm just a checklist for you." And to be honest I do feel like she's a bit of checklist because she demands so much from me. I'm 20 years old and still rely on my parents for money and housing and food and college and i don't feel like it's time for me to depart from them yet. She never remembers the many good things i do for her all the time like wake up at 3am to help her when she's having a bad night etc. she only thinks i don't care enough when I flake on her one time out of 100. I love her and we do have a lot of good times when she isnt freaking out on me but the past week we spent our last week together (going to separate colleges) with her crying and telling me I'm not doing enough for her. I can't handle this but i love her and i cant break up with her or she will try to kill herself. Please help I feel trapped.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (15 August 2017):
 I say, get her to go to therapy and get onto some medication if possible.
You could do as suggested and wait until she is more stable with therapy and medication to leave or you can get everything started and have an intervention for her with her trusted and closest friends and family and leave it in their hands for the rest of the way.
The way that she is carrying herself and the things that she says aren't healthy at all and she truly does, in fact, need professional help.
If she doesn't get any help soon, she will continue to plague you with all that she does and says and it will only get worse from here on out. There is only so much you can do and manipulation is never right.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (14 August 2017):
You guys need to go to therapy.Her attempts to suicide are just ways to keep you in the relationship, it's a form of manipulation and for getting others to do whatever she wants to do. That is not a very healthy adult relationship IMHO.You need to balance time with her and your family, because you don't want to mess with your family. Been there, done that, it's totally not recommended.If you want out, you should quit, regardless if she wants to suicide or not. If you to stay with her, SHE NEEDS THERAPY FIRST! There is no way she can keep manipulating you all the time. You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries between her , you and your mother (which also seems to be time consuming). What about you? What do you want to do with those 6-8 hours you spend with either your mother or your GF? Wouldn't you like to do a sport, time for you, a hobby, a club, a sport? Anything else? You need to have time for yourself and to do what you want, otherwise you will lose perspective and get drowned between your mother and your GF. Find your ME TIME, hang with your friends, and you'll feel better about you and be able to cope better with any difficulties you have.Best luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 August 2017):
 The best thing you can do for YOU (and in a backward manner for HER too) is to break up.
You can't LIVE your life if you are in constant fear that anything you say or do will escalate into her threatening or try to commit suicide.
Most people who are suicidal don't tell people and they do not use it as emotional blackmail. They do it because they feel they have no other options in life left. This is not the case with your GF. She wants to isolate you so SHE is your only priority and you her whole world. THAT is what she wants. She wants someone to be MISERABLE with. And she wants attention, ANY attention - It's unfortunate that this is one of the main ways she has learned how to get attention.
She needs help. Nothing you do CAN fix this, least of all STAYING with her.
How is her relationship with her family? Do you have their contact info? If so, CALL her mother/sister/father/brother and let them know she is talking about suicide and that you are afraid for her.
Then you BREAK up and you TELL her, she needs to seek help. tell her to call and talk to someone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
If you feel like you can't block her number after you break up, then the MOMENT she calls and threaten suicide, ask her where she is and tell her you are going to call 911. Don't be afraid to call 911 if you think she is putting herself in danger. THAT is what it's there for. And maybe she can get the help she needs.
YOU are not equipped to deal with this - that is why you call 911. YOU can also (before the break up) call the National Suicide Prevention hotline and get help on how to exit the relationship is the BEST manner for you and her.
Remember: You can't make someone take action on themselves, you can't cause it.
I found this for you to read:
http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Up-With-Someone-Who-Is-Threatening-Suicide
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 August 2017):
 Sweetheart this girl is going to wear you down and it's only a matter of time before you say enough is enough. Keep in mind that barking dogs seldom bite so I highly doubt if she will really self harm. In any case, I think you should inform her parents in writing so that you have proof and are not falsely of abetting any actions of hers. Then wish her well and get out while you can. Always remember, your are not responsible for her and you owe her nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2017): "I cant break up with her because she threatens self harm"
Yes, you can, and you should. If she threatens to self harm, then you should/must contact the correct authorities. You are not a trained professional to handle suicide cases. This is not your job. And this is not a relationship. It is a threat, and you are being held in the relationship against your will. You must leave, instead of allowing this desrtuctive behavoir.
Call the police if you sincerely believe she will harm herself. Then remove yourself from the toxic situation.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (14 August 2017):
 As the others said she is blackmailing you, YOU NEED TO TELL HER FAMILY and the police might need to be informed, then block her from everything and live your own life.On a side note, she asked you "If your family was talking badly about me, would you stand up for me?" What is your real response to this? And the second thing she asked about if you could save one person in your life who would it be, well I was at a weekend many years ago where the speaker asked this question, He SAID IF YOUR fATHER, Mother, WIFE, or A MILLION dollars was on a raft going down river, heading for a waterfall and you could only save one which would you pull out to safety? when you can answer that question honestly to yourself and not the response you would put on Facebook you will know you have met the right girl, no one should ask you to pick them but if it ever came about and as you can't dodge the question in your own mind and there is only one that can be pulled to safety,yes your only young and your family are still paying for you and they love you and one day you will love someone as much or more than your love for them and your love is not based on the fact they are paying for you and you can love another and still love you, family,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2017): Oh my, that's some situation you are in, especially being so young.My son is your age and is with a girl who's ex did exactly this- even sent pictures of self harming to her in an attempt to get her to leave much son and go back with her.I ended up ringing his mother and sending in the pics to her. Said this is for you not her, which she accepted and dealt with. I said be clear to him she is blocking his number and not to contact again, advising to see his dr with him.Look at it this way, she is sucking the life out of you, and you don't have to put up with it- no matter what her reaction. She sounds messed up and a nightmare. Either way she isn't your responsibility- step away from the drama and hand it to her parents and dr
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2017): Leave. Please leave. She's manipulative and will continue threatening you like this until she's bored with you. Don't waste your time. Let people around her know her threats then go.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (14 August 2017):
 Not your issue.
You don't want to be with her, tell her parents of her intentions and breakup. Block her so she can't communicate with you and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2017): So you're going to let her blackmail you for the rest of your life?
You have to make her the responsibility of her family and her therapist. You are not responsible for her life. She may have failed the last time; because it was all dramatics to manipulate you. If she is suicidal, don't you think her family has some responsibility for her safety and well-being? Do you actually think you hold her very life in your hands?
I think you need to have a discussion with her parents and lay that responsibility where it belongs. You cannot keep people who are suicidal from taking their lives; if they are hellbent on doing it. Being her psychological-slave is going to make you both mentally-ill. She obviously isn't too fragile to be manipulative.
I'm sorry, but everyone has placed her care on you. They have taken advantage of your relationship. That is how they get her out of the way; so they don't have to keep an eye on her, and can get on with their lives.
That's what people do when they're frustrated, exhausted, or ashamed of the mentally-ill. They find someone to dump them on, or abandon them in a mental hospital or rehabilitation facility. You're just perfect. Young, inexperienced, easy to manipulate, and you have a conscience. She also sees that as your weak-spot. She's a drama queen and throwing tantrums is how she gets her way.
Alert her family, your mother, and do what you have to do.
You're not keeping her alive if she wants to die. Don't flatter yourself too much. You might be a sweet guy; but you're not all she lives for. If she wanted to die, she would have succeeded the first time.
It's a very delicate situation; so be cautious, but you have to place her in the proper hands. You are not a licensed therapist, you are not a parent or legal-guardian; and you are not the reason she's living. You are empowering her to rule your life. How does that feel? Let's see how long you can endure it. Like everyone else she has pulled it on; you'll finally tire of it too. Thus you wrote DC!
You sometimes have to man-up. You have to be your own man. You can't let women pull you this way and that way. Using tears and threats to control you. You better grow a pair, or this girl and other clingy-females are going to have you stretched-out on a leather couch telling your life's story; and popping pills prescribed by some costly shrink.
You've got break the chain of bondage. You have to leave her welfare and safety to her family and doctors. You're going to separate schools. How will she survive without you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2017): The ONLY person for whom you are responsible is YOURSELF....
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (14 August 2017):
Tell her parents and move on. She will hold these threats over your head forever if you let her. You're 20 you cannot be and are not responsible for someone else's life.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 August 2017):
 If she is unstable, which it sounds as though she is, you need to call a suicide hotline, so they can stop her harming herself.
She's manipulating you and it's not fair. Do not stay with her, but tell someone you're worried about her suicidal threats. Her life is not your responsibility, but you do need to alert someone else about it and leave her.
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