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I can't get hard with my gf! Is it because, physically. she's not my usual type?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2007) 11 Answers - (Newest, 13 March 2011)
A male United States age 36-40, *allnswt writes:

Ok I am 27 yrs old and dating a 35 yr old woman who I adore... I am 6'7" 250 lbs and have always dated petite womem. My gf is 5'11" and 160lbs so she is very muscular and build like a brickhouse.. I am VERY physically and sexually attracted to her. BUT my problem is I can't get hard when trying to have sex... I have NEVER had this problem EVER in the past. I can even get hard as a rock on my own masterbating. I have have numerous convos with her about it and it always ends up the same thing... I know I don't have ED... cause I wouldn't be able to get hard anytime. I am wondering if it's psychological due to her not being a petite woman and that it's a control thing? Maybe that she is older??? I have been dating her for 4 months and can't even have sex with her so it makes me feel like CRAP and I am a pleaser. I have tried everything from masterbation with her, rubbing, foreplay, oral... EVERYTHING and still can't get hard... I am sooooo confused it isn't funny.. Can anyone her relate????

View related questions: foreplay, petite

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011):

i too have recently had this issue arise, or not actually. i hav been with my wife for 11 years, married for almost 9, she has health issues and cant enjoy sex. she was a virgin when we married, i had been with a couple of girls.

i am very sexual and have found that i can masterbate fine, but when i get the chance to have real sex i loose my hard on.

i have tried the same type of experiments as most others here, new girl, fantesy, just go for it, nothing really helps. i even found an old flame that i still think about from time to time. i did finish the job but it was soft and not very enjoyable for either of us.

i love my wife like the day i asked her to marry me, and i please her orally as often as she wants ( no reciprication on that ) but i wonder if my life was clear would i be able to get up and please my ld friend better

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011):

I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 23.

My boyfriend has the same issue as you - psychological ED, but I have never ever said to him that he has this. I even understand why he has it, due to performance nerves and pressure. I think he's had bad experiences in the past before he met me.

At first when we started going out a year ago everything was fine. Before we were ready for sex we did other stuff and he suffered no erectile problems whatsoever. When we began regularly having sex everything was fine, we did it nearly ever day, and after a couple of months I went to university 5 hours away, and now we see each other ever 1-2 weeks or so. Even then, at first everything remained fine. He had some problems, which was completely natural and understandable, but I came back for two months last summer and since then things haven't been the same. He was always worried that he wasn't good in bed and didn't last long enough, even though I've always told him t doesn't bother me and I'm completely fine with the way things were.

We barely had any sex over that time period because he had lost interest in it, due to him being ill and a bit stressed at work - although I'm not sure if he was partly making excuses at this point. At first I was really upset because I thought it was to do with me and him losing his attraction for me. This upset me, but everytime we talked about it it upset him too and made him feel really bad about himself. Of course, I understood that his problem was not his fault and could happen to anyone. Even so I kept getting upset because we would either try and do something and he would either not get an erection, lose it after penetration, or would get a soft one, and he would be worried about not stimulating me enough. However I did not mind this, because at least he tried and if it didn't happen, then it didn't happen. But sometimes he wouldn't even try and this really upset me. I would try to initiate something and he would not be at all interested, not even if I said intercourse didn't matter and I just wanted him to kiss me etc, because he thought even then I was wanting sex. After that I think the pressure on him increased and since then when I've come back to see him we've only done it once. The next night he tried but lost it and the night after that he didn't want to do anything, and not the next morning either. I don't like it as it puts a strain on our otherwise perfect relationship; he keeps telling me to leave him but I would never do that for this reason, he means far too much to me.

However, I would like him to at least acknowledge his problem and maybe see someone to sort it out because it upsets me and I know he loves me and does want to have sex. It's just difficult because it needs sorting but it's also a vicious circle as me bringing it up, or him not being able to sustain or get an erection just adds to his pressure and insecurity, especially as he thinks I don't enjoy it, even though I've told him on numerous occasions that I have and the only thing I want to change is him enjoying it more, because I honestly don't think he does all that much, not because he's not attracted to me, but because of all the stress and pressure associated with it for him.

I don't like to keep bringing it up, but I can't ignore the problem either as I'm scared if it will affect our relationship in the future. I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do, and he's too ashamed I think to talk to someone, understandably, but it needs to be done and it is a common thing that can happen to everyone.

Any ideas on how I can sort this? I try my best to be supportive and understanding and not put pressure on him but it is hard as sex is an important aspect in any relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010):

For starters the guys who are masterbating are you watching porn. For the guys do you actually look st your womens body when trying to get hard. I am 5:9 at 120lbs . I change my hair color quite frequently to impress my husband

. I even switch to contcacts and glasses

He doesn't even know half the time what I am wereing. When I do oral on him he has his eyes closed vise versa. He never looks at me. His erectiom sucks and he is always trashed trying to have sex. I am thinking about leaving hin

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A male reader, MAgicMAn United States +, writes (15 March 2010):

OK LISTEN EVERYONE. I am a 27 year old male with a great sexual past history. Never had this problem before. I have a hot new columbian girlfriend and for the first three months of the relationship we had sex 1-3 times per day, everyday. Then, all of the sudden i noticed I am losing my "passion" for her. She used to get out the shower and one glance would have me hard for hours. She complained of me taking too long to finish. And she also said i was her best ever (so she knows my penis works) I just cheated on her last night because i had to know if it ws her or me, and i hate to break it to the ladies and married men on this post, but its NOT performance axiety if you slept with her before. ITS AS SIMPLE AS YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO HER ANYMORE. POINT BLANK

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008):

I found this site through a google search trying to find information about why I could not, no matter what, maintain my erection and have sex with my wife. This is VERY disheartening to me....that is why I took it upon myself to conduct the search. I'm posting here because the feedback seems to be incredibly positive and honest. So here we go...

My wife and I have known each other 4 years. We have almost been married for 1, come this November 24. During the start of our relationship, we, of course like everyone else in the beginning, were EXTREMELY intimate. We had sex 6-7 times weekly for months and months and months. It seemed we had found our Utopia...but then tragedy struck

For whatever reason, out of the blue, my sex drives plummets. I can't get or maintain and erection most of the time, and if I do, i can only last say 10 minutes during intercourse, which is NOT pleasing to my wife. Now there have been several factors she says may contribute to this, and one seems to coincide in about the same time frame as the birth of our 22 month old son. However, if that is it, I do not understand the effect that it would have, hence why I am seeking this site for advice.

Now, I'll elaborate a little bit. I find my wife to be very attractive. She is absolutley beautiful with a ROCKIN' body. She did not keep any weight after the birth of our son, nor did she lose her figure. I know that it can't be the physical attraction, becuase I am still ery much attracted to her. Can someone please send me a clue as to what I may need to do or try? She loves having sex with me and wants it more than now. It is making her very irritable and angry. She becomes increasingly upset with me every day about it. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!!!!

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A male reader, BrianK United Kingdom +, writes (7 August 2008):

Hi Mate;

The problem you have is ED the psychological version. You have caught yourself into a vicious circle where you are putting an unknown pressure on your self its is called 'performance anxiety'. To cure this problem is not to get frustrated or angry about the ability of not getting a erection, this will certainly keep your boy down. You need to relax and arrange sessions with your gf where sex intercourse is not the end goal, learn to touch and caress each other and appreciate the sensual feeling, and what ever you do with these sessions do not have intercourse. Repeat this 3 to 4 times it should cure. Don't make excuses come to terms that you are suffereng with abit of DF, it happens to us all the best of time at least once in our lives. Don't think about performing, just think about you relaxing and what you are feeling and whether you like what she is doing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008):

I stumbled onto this site seeking men opinion of this issue. I often wonder if my husband asks himself this same question and if the answer is YES! I have gained some weight over the years, but I am still an attractive woman, men flirt with me all the time. My husband still loves to have sex with me almost everyday.....but with a semi-hard d***! He will not admit he has a problem, insisting it is the same. He is always trying new innovative things to subconsciously make up for his deficiency in the bedroom. But it is frustrating for me because I know what I am use to and I want it back. Rather than, countless minutes, and sometimes hours of lustless pounding and sweating that I can't wait to end.

I respect you for admitting "you have a problem" and seeking advice. I think you should consider the fact that you have only been dating this woman 4 months; be open and honest with her about your issues with her physique and age before it goes any further. As a young man, you need to do what you need to do to figure out if the answer to your question is truly YES. Hence, see if you have this problem with "your type" petite women. And if not, move on to someone that you will be functional with, because I know sex is not supposed to be everything, but lets be honest, It Is.

Whether women admit it or not, everyone woman wants to go to bed with a nice hard d***, so don’t stick around making her all insecure – thinking something is wrong with her, when its really your psychological issues that has nothing to do with her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008):

I found this through a google search for "I can only get hard" and it is crazy but I am in a similar predicament to you, i am going through a period when I want to leave my wife, our relationship is only held together by excellent sex, I met another girl, who although much younger is completely different, my wife is pettite bhrunette, brown eyes, straight hair, loud (in general and in bed) and the mistress is 6 foot tall blonde blue eyes, but quiet in every way. I, like you was amazed when it happened to me...i always get an erection fine, its just when i was about to actually have sex with the mistress that the erection just went, after the initial shock, i made an experiment and when I got home, slept with my wife again, which was fireworks as usual. I have resigned myself back to my wife, I don't wanna hurt the other girl because she is very good looking and a great person, just not my usual type. I really don't know what to suggest, although I can identify with you abit, I really think your problem is ONLY in your head. If you really think she is the one then work on it together, be totally and utterly honest with her despite the shame you probably feel(I know i did. or like me if you think the problems may be too much for both of you then move on beofre you hurt each other too much, whatever you do, or whatever has happened, goodluck to all who stumble on this page

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008):

Yes!! I definately understand..When I masterbate I also get hard as a roc, but when trying to have sex...nothing, I've tried everything from viagra to livetra to even that crap on T.V. enzyte..My girlfreind is very very bueatiful and I'm extremely attracted to her..It' so embarrising bro!! I dont know what to say except I understand and it sux!! I'm only 28 and I know for a FACT im not gay, I will continue to research my problem..Good luck man.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007):

I feel for you and her, only because I am in a similar situation. I am with a man that says he loves me, tells me I am beautiful and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He has a huge sex drive, but sometimes he can not get hard and other times we could be having sex and he goes limp.

The first few times we tried to have sex he could not get hard at all. I had never had to deal with anything like this before. I started to internalize it, thinking I did not turn him on. We talked and he swears that is not the case. He drinks alot at times, and said he has had performance issues with that in the past. He also said he thought it was a performance anxiety issue. I did not know what to think. Now it is a crap shoot. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It is very frustrating for me. When he is erect and we start having sex and he begins to loose it, he will stop give me oral and masturbate, usually this regains the erection and we can continue but not always. I want to do something to help, but I do not know what to do. He looks at porn on the internet often, and it causes me to wonder if I just do not do it for him. I do not know, and guess I may never know.

For your sake, just communicate openly and honestly with her, and if you love her and are attracted to her, let her know, so she does not become selfconcious and feel something is wrong with her.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (30 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI supppose there's a psychological issue here. You're right: if you can have an erection masturbating, all the systems are functioning, except the psychological elements. Maybe you have performance anxiety?

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