A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,We live in one of the bigger cities on the West Coast. Met my ex-fiancee (wow, writing that still hurts) 5 years ago. I run a couple successful tech companies so for the last two years I've been traveling back and forth (spending together 60-70% of days maybe, tried doing as many vacations per year as possible to spend time together, every 2 months maybe. I support the house 95% since she earns 5-6 times less than me).We still love each other very much without question, but I told her I have to leave her yesterday - over the course of our relationship she has been super controlling of everything in my life - friends, times when I leave work - e.g. she claimed the weekends belonged to "us" but in reality it belonged to her since we had to spend 100% time together and I felt guilty for every hour I would play soccer with my friends or even read a book alone. For the last year, pretty much every weekend we had a fight - on one hand, we have similar life goals - we want to have kids, are very caring, but at the same time we just kept on fighting. Usually small stuff which I could work through (she wants to do X, I want Y - or she doesn't have any plans but starts getting angry cause I suggest we take it easy, stay at home, read a book or chill out and she wants to do "anything" but this). But also, some topics that appeared in our fights brought flashing red lights all over my head - she has this kind of temper, where sometimes I have a feeling that she turns into a different person. In "silent" mode she's loving and caring, super thoughtful and genuinely the best person in the world towards me. The moment something goes against her will or different than she thinks, she turns into a shaking volcano. Either she explodes, starts accusing me of things, or gives me the passive-aggressive treatment where everything is my fault. We both have strong characters and when the fights start it often turns very ugly - shouting, yelling. We would never be physically aggressive towards each other, but doors were smashed and things were thrown on the floor.I started getting really worried because even though caring at some times, at others she would shout things in fury that I found really offensive (e.g. turning me against my mother by making my feel guilty that I want to spend a part of a Sunday with her, yelling at me for giving a female employee a raise that was more than she earns /"I'm just as good as her and nobody pays me that - maybe instead of talking about home budget you should just take some money from them and put it in that budget!"). What worried me the most was not that she was frustrated by my employee getting a raise and her still being stuck in her job, but the way she voiced it and open aggression in her voice. She referred to that person as "bitch" and similar (inb4 I have been super faithful to her as she was to me and we never had any "trust incidents" - I don't really attend any parties, don't have many female friends - the only thing that could ever hurt her was that before we met, I was fresh out a relationship - so when we started dating, even though I was committed 100%, she heard from me about it and was jealous of that person).Before yesterday, I already tried to split up twice - once two years ago (later we reconciled, she went in tears and told me how she loved me. We got engaged half a year after. I had to move the date of the engagement because some days before I wanted to do it she had one of those fury episodes). The second time half a year ago when after all those fights when I kept hearing "I can do well without you", "you will never find such a girlfriend as I am so be nice to me!", "you're fucking up my entire life" - I told her then that I cannot live with that kind of blame game and her passive-aggressive behaviour. She went in tears and immediately the fury went down, her loving persona came back and she started begging me to stay, saying that I'm the love of her life. So far she's been the love of mine and we were both absolutely committed to each other in our minds, so I decided to stay.First months after that went better, then things started going south again. After a couple fights again (example - picking wedding photographers, I was sending her samples for 3 or 4 weeks which she kept skipping - last week she starts browsing them at 1am and when I tell her that I'm sleeping and we do it in the morning she feels super offended) I decided that considering - wedding in 9 months - the previous breakup attempts which didn't bring permanent change - those aggression episodes happening pretty much every week where everything started turning into a fight - lack of respect to my family (which, hard to deal with as it is, is still my family) and to other people (not me, but in general she either loves or hates people and the latter she feels very strongly about)I figured it's only fair that after the most recent fight I said that I leave and after 2 hours of begging I left. I feel absolutely devastated because she said I'm the love of her life and she can't imagine the future without me. She called me at night where she kept apologising, telling me she's sorry and that she will accept my lifestyle. Now she wanted to meet and I tried really hard not to and to keep answering her calls to a minimum. She still says "she's waiting for me" and that she wants to straighten things out. I would love to because I love her, but I also know that there are severe red flags in our relationship that can affect us moving forward. Also I've been developing this sense of self-guilt for everything that I do (visiting parents, meeting any friends without her present, leaving work after 5pm even though it pays our bills) - I hate this feeling and I'm not sure if it will ever go away if we keep on being together... . On the other hand, she was my first relationship and being very romantic I developed very strong feelings about her and I know she feels the same about me. When I told her I'm leaving she went in tears and told me that she just picked her wedding dress and figured she wanted to have kids with me...If I knew she could change her behaviour in those episodes and I I knew that I could stop feeling guilty and be me, I would take her back in no time. Also, I know that I might be working too much and given that I've been single and traveled for a long time, I may be longing for too much private time for myself. On the other hand, if I feel guilty about every hour I spend on reading books, editing photos or listening to music by myself...Since yesterday she keeps calling me and asking to meet but also says she doesn't want to put too much pressure on me. She can't stop crying and I know she feels physical pain because of me which, for a sensitive person such as myself, is really heard to deal with. I know that if we meet in our apartment it will be an hours long meeting where she will beg me on her knees again and it will be breakup 2.0. If we meet in a cafe/public place she will go in tears and be really emotional which I will hate because I don't want her to feel bad in front of other people. If I don't answer the phone I will be a dickhead and will keep on seeing calls from the person I still love the most.tl;dr:Much in love.Broke up with controlling fiancee who swears I'm the love of her life, that she will change and let me be myself. Went through those "talks" two times already and wedding is in 9 months.
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broke up, engaged, fiance, jealous, money, my ex, split up, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 November 2017):
 Let me ask you this:
I see your age, and you're no fresh college graduate. You're establishing your life, your money, and your future, and she's already telling you how to spend both your personal money (on her!) and your business money (don't give your employee a raise!). She doesn't love you. You are a resource. A provider. She is using manipulation on you, either through guilt, control, and the applying or withholding of affection to get you to service her.
There's a big reason why she's cutting you off from your parents, and I'm telling you this right from my heart:
One day, you're going to be standing in a hospital room, or a hospice room, and you're going to see your mother on her last days, on her last breath. You will cry at that moment, because you didn't spend the time you thought you had an infinite supply of, that you take for granted. You'll never get to tell her you love her, and more importantly, you'll never hear it said back to you.
Are you going to look down on her while she is dying and wish you'd spent LESS time with her because your girlfriend was controlling?? You DON'T GET THE TIME BACK!!! You listen good....any significant other who builds wedges between you and your family need to go. This isn't about being a "mama's boy". This is about family, and people not losing their full, healthy identity and social roots when they partner up.
You should have stayed broken up 3 years ago! 5 years is way too long, and high school is OVER. She is WRONG when she said to you, "you will never find a girlfriend like me" because you're entering into your MOST desirable years of your life. She, on the other hand, has blown her jobs and her career demanding that you treat her like a sugar daddy, expecting her looks to enslave your penis as they did 5 years ago, and that's what's happened. Her putting down of you is desperate survival, not love. She is USING you.
You need to make the break and stop talking to her. You don't dangle a carrot in front of her and "support" her. How the hell are you going to move on if you pretty much wussied out on getting your life back???? She has you by the pubic hairs. You are becoming a shell of who you were, and you went wheedling back to her because you didn't fill the vacuum with doing other things. You just didn't have the spine to block her number, your Facebook, your Instagram, all of it.
Breaking up is BREAKING UP. If you have friends, now's the time to find them! I'm guessing you fell out of touch with them because she alienated you. So start with your family!
Here's what you do! Call your parents NOW. Not this girl! Call your MOM, tell her that you're sorry for having been scarce, and ask to go to lunch or to catch a movie or go shopping or do what you used to do. Don't talk to your ex about doing it. Just spend lots of time with your mom, because she's not going to be around much longer! Your mom loves you unconditionally and probably saw this girl doing this to you for years.
Spend time with your mom! Find your friends! Spend time with them! Go do the things you always wish you had time for, but didn't because she was always around.
Stop spending ONE MORE PENNY ON THIS EX-FIANCE. I mean it. WHat the hell?! SAVE YOUR DAMN MONEY! She's wrong about you finding someone else. You could snap your fingers and have 100 girlfriends with your prospects.
Time to move forward. If you had a badly performing employee who embezzled your money and caused a really bad office environment, you'd fire that employee after the warnings.
You've given the warnings. End the relationship. End the support. End all communication. Finish it. It will be the best decision you ever made.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Hello there. I hate to tell you this but you are the victim of a narcissist. The only way out of this is to escape.From love bombing (to lure you in), you are the love of my life, my soul mate, my everything (stage one) to devaluing you - chipping away at you, running you down, controlling every aspect of you, making you question your sanity, isolating you from your family, using guilt, etc. During this stage, you will also suffer narcissistic rage should you disagree or question anything. Third stage is to disregard you - break up, tell you why everything is your fault and your terrible and then...the cycle begins again. The 'hoovering' stage - back to love bombing - you're the love of my life, etc. Then stage two and three.I would suggest you go onto youtube, look up Angie Atkinson who has an amazingly informative series of videos about narcissists, how to recognise them, how to survive them, how to escape. Get informed and then you will know exactly what you are dealing with. I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): You do realize that therapy doesn't take-effect overnight?
It could take months or years; and it heavily depends on her commitment to getting better, submitting to treatment. How do you plan to monitor her, if you're not in-touch? Have you put a hold on the wedding preparations. You've avoided any response to the question.
You're treating her like a bratty-child. "If you behave yourself, I might marry you someday!" Not quite the words, but the implication is surely there.
I still believe you are avoiding her strong emotional-responses and tiptoeing around her dramatics.
You've been an enabler for quite sometime, and she already knows how to manipulate you with crying and/or tantrums. Sometimes people show-out and pretend to have lost it; because they know you'll do anything to calm them down. That's how children manipulate their parents. Make a scene in public; and you can't discipline them on the spot, and you'll cave-into their demands to quiet them down.
You still have a long way to go with this young woman. Many people hospitalized for mental-illness can fake being better for an early-release. Lets hope a seeing a therapist helps; but it's up to her to show-up for counseling sessions and from what you described of her, she's going to manipulate both you and the therapist.
Therapists don't teach people how to behave like adults.
They are trained mental-health professionals; who specialize in evaluating human-behavior and the diagnosis of mental-disorders. They first create a relationship with their patient to establish trust. Hoping through dialogue they might determine what the problem is, the possible origins and triggers of certain behaviors, then prescribe treatment.
Here's wishing you the best. You haven't quite come to terms with your decision and you're not aware of the time-frame it may take to help her. You've endured five years. I guess you are prepared to wait it out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 October 2017):
 So OP, do you plan on still supporting her financially and emotionally? In hopes that seeing a therapist will "cure" her or "fix" her?
Because that CAN be a VERY long gamble that might NEVER pay off. Costly too.
I think it's wonderful that you give her info on therapists and what areas she might want to work on, but please... DON'T put YOUR life on hold hoping she will become the woman you WANT her to be.
Date someone, NOT for their potential, but for their compatibility. You and her? Oil and water.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 October 2017):
 According to the Urban Dictionary "the definition of insanity, is, doing the exact same f#%king thing over and over again, expecting shit to change. That. Is. Crazy."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYesterday, I was sitting alone, just doing nothing and thinking, when she called me. One person told me I should talk to her and be very upfront about the reasons for which I broke up with her and that’s what I did - I met with her for an hour knowing I had an appointment shortly so i had to leave no matter what.I told her the reasons why I can’t be with her and told her that until she tries to fix her issues and make an effort, all I can do is support her, but from the side and she needs to take control of it and her anxiety attacks. I will suggest a therapist to her so that she knows where to start. I told her that at this stage, I can’t be with her and live with her and I don’t want to be with the person she is now - if she wants a shot she needs to change.Frankly, this chat was very very helpful and healing - I made peace with a lot of things, also looking at how she reacted (let’s say... 70% understanding) I see that before I would consider anything she needs to change.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (31 October 2017):
 It won't get better man, she's shown you that time and time again.
You might care about each other but that doesn't mean you're meant to be together. She's shown very controlling behaviours numerous times and you've realised that now.
She turns on the tears because she knows it works. She is manipulating you into staying and its going to be an endless cycle for as long as you let it. If it was truly meant to be, the relationship would be a lot more stress free believe me. You've wanted To break up a few times now, stick to it. Would you seriously have feelings about breaking up with the woman that you're meant to spend the rest of your life with? I doubt it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): An emotional and tearful woman can get to you. There was once something good between you; but not good enough to sustain a strong and lasting relationship. It lasted five years, because she's good at manipulating your feelings; and you've gotten used to the drama.
You can't maintain a marriage and raise a family on drama. Drama is just preparation for a bad divorce.
Breaking-up with someone is not to supposed to be easy. You've compiled a number of reasons for doing it, but doubt and second-guessing comes with the territory. If all you do is fight, tell me what kind of marriage do you expect to have? Just one long enough to decide it's not working; then comes a very costly and nasty divorce. She's a drama queen, so she is going to take you through the wringer!
You have good solid reasons for the breakup, but something bothers me. You said the wedding is in 9 months. If you broke-up with her, how is the wedding still on?
You had better make it absolutely certain that your engagement is off! To be sure money and preparations aren't wasted on a wedding that isn't going to happen. You can't stall on something like this; you have to let her know that you're ending the engagement, and there will be no wedding.
Her family is probably going through great expense; and then you'll be forced by guilt to go through with it. That will be the dumbest and most tragic thing you'll ever do in your life!
Then the resentment will set-in when you realize you didn't really want to do it; you'll feel you were coerced into it.
The crying and begging are only theatrics to make sure she snags herself a successful husband. Then when you're both finished driving each other nuts; you'll file for a nasty and hostile divorce. If you fight now, you ain't seen nothing yet!
If you fight all the time, that is because you're incompatible. She'll ruin your business, because what's yours is hers once you tie the knot! You'll have to fire all your female employees, or only hire people she approves of.
She'll have the right to be involved in whatever decisions you make. She will be your spouse and partner. Girlfriends don't have say in your business; unless she's a bonafide partner holding part-ownership.
Wives automatically become your business-partner. They have legal-rights! Unless a prenuptial agreement is signed; which sometimes is contestable or can be invalidated. My domestic-partner of 28 years was an attorney. I learned stuff!
You make-up with her because you feel sorry for her. Pity is not a reason to marry someone. If your courtship and engagement is tumultuous, and full of arguments and fighting. It carries over into the marriage; which isn't going to last. You don't know how to settle disagreements, and she doesn't care to compromise. She throws a hissy-fit, cries buckets, and falls on her knees. You buckle.
There will be more unnecessary fighting; and more of her erratic and immature behavior. Next thing, you'll bring kids into this mess; and it still ends in a divorce. She ends up taking half of everything, and battling you for child-custody.
You're getting the previews of your future! Take a long look at what the last five years have been like. Then stop playing with her emotions. Stop trifling with the peace-talks, and call-off the war. She's not settling for peace, just a ceasefire; until you're locked-down and can't getaway.
You had better grow a pair and man-up. Tears and drama can manipulate you that easily? Then dude, you are surely not ready for marriage! She will run your business, your life, and your sanity into the ground.
You have a serious decision to make; and riding on the fence about marriage means that marriage is doomed! You have to be absolutely certain. Your on-again/off-again cycle will not make for a very stable marriage; nor a good home to bring children into.
People always promise to change. After how many fights and separations has she made that promise; only to break it yet again? Who usually has to given-in? Does she ever really change? Or is she just nice for a little while; and back to business as usual?
My friend, there should be no wedding. Cancel it. She should already be fixed, not decide to change only to stay on track until the wedding. Once she's got the papers to take half of everything you've worked for. It's too late for second-thoughts!
From the long narrative you wrote about your relationship; you already know a marriage isn't going to work, and she isn't going to change.
She's tough to deal with as a girlfriend; you can't just breakup with a wife my friend! Judging by the post, you have far too much doubt to carry this off!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 October 2017):
OP,
When you love someone who IS NOT bringing out the best in you then you have a TOXIC relationship. And THAT is what you have.
She is afraid of losing you probably because she has issues with her own self-worth so she tries to control and manipulate you into NOT leaving. Which, unfortunately, PUSHES people away.
She is NOT going to change. I think your BEST choice is to wish her well and CUT all contact.
Marrying her would have been your biggest mistake, concerning her. Her controlling, passive-aggressive and manipulative behavior would probably escalate IF you had married her. Because she would then feel more ENTITLED to your time and company.
You have already tried to end it twice before so deep down you KNOW it's not a healthy relationship and it's NOT going to fix itself and be great.
Stop wasting your time on something that IS NOT working.
Don't let her reel you back in. It will just be more of the same crap.
Don't meet up. There IS no point to it. She can't change who she is. And neither can you. If she wants to talk do it OVER the phone (not texting) and then tell her you NEED to block her so you BOTH can move on.
I know you care about her, but it's a lost cause. You CAN love someone and NOT be with them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): You did the right thing and it hurts. In time it will hurt less and the it will stop and you will just feel free.From what you said your ex has some serious issues, it sounds like a borderline personality disorder. She idealizes you, then belittles you. She has problems with controlling her emotions, cries often, she's furious when she loses control over you and she's afraid of abandonment and wants you to be focused on her and no one and nothing else. When she's kind to you it's only because you're doing what's expected of you. She's conditioning you. Training like a dog. And I'm not saying that she's doing it on purpose with some master plan. It comes naturally to her. That's how she was brought up. That's her set of tools. Emotional blackmail and manipulation are just some of the useful tools.Look it up and see if she fits the profile. It could help you understand why what you did was right. And why you dodged the bullet. Borderline personality disorder is notoriously difficult to treat even when the person accepts the condition and therapy (which is rarely the case). Their perception is distorted and it affects all aspects of their lives. What you experienced with her is something most people would. Friends, family, even therapists. One day they adore you, the next they hate you, unless you keep making them feel safe. That's why most of them never stick to therapy. Their families usually know that something is wrong and are relieved when they find their partners and get married. It lessens their burden. One last thing. Some sufferers go so far as to hurt themselves (self cutting, ingesting medication or other chemicals) to deal with the negative emotions they're experiencing AND to get the attention of their families, friends and partners. Some do, but some don't. So just because she hasn't done anything similar doesn't mean that she isn't borderline.You were in a very dysfunctional relationship, your decision to leave is healthy. You are not responsible for her. She's not your child. And even children grow up and assume responsibility for their own lives.If you marry her it won't make her feel safe and "cure" her, but encourage her to continue with the same patterns and it will get worse. You will lose yourself in her needs and her problems. Because her needs and her problems are by definition greater than yours. Put yourself first and don't forget what was life with her like.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (30 October 2017):
 I think you broke it off for valid reasons and you seem so genuinely nice but it sounds like youve allowed her to walk over you for a really long time. Shes so used it-- she knows if she cries or beg you back, you willingly take her back because she knows you love her. Im sure shes loving and sweet when things goes her way, but shes highly manipulative and I dont second guess shes also a nice person , but she needs counseling and therapy to probably even acknowledge this side of her so she can grow and change or she will never ever change.
You sound so exhausted and tired as well. My advice ? Break off completely for now. Who knows if you both will come together again in the future but def not like this. You have so much to grow, so does she ! Do not settle yet. I think you have yet to experienece life and even dating. Shes your first, I dont second doubt you will find someone more comfortable but my advice is be open to everything.
Be single for a year before you decide on anything. I have a hunch if you take her back, marry her in 9 months, you'll highly regret never having been single or enjoying a fun dating life to experience more women, solo travel trips, guy single nights out, maybe adopting a dog on your own, coming home alone to a quiet house, enjoying singledom while toying/being open to marriage and children. From sound of everything, youre in need of a break up to learn more about yourself and grow
One of the things I have learned is that you are not accountable for how people act, only how you can react ! So never allow yourself to feel guilty for break up, you have one life, dont regret living it to the fullest. Your ex feelings and life is her own, the break up can allow her move on and also grow on her own. She is relying too heavily on you for her happiness, a break up is necessary so she can grow up as well . And your in dire need of attending to your own needs, not just hers
I hope you really make the best decision on this. Keep us updated, good luck
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (30 October 2017):
You broke up with her for valid reasons. Do not let her drag you back into a bad relationship. But most importantly don’t talk yourself into going back into this toxic relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): You sound like a great guy who is second guessing himself over a girl who is out of control.
She may say you're the love of her life but she doesn't treat you as such. Only the threat of you ending things in the past has temporarily helped her see reason but she returns to form.
She needs therapy. Individually, and later couples therapy.
I can tell you love each other a lot which is why I'm not suggesting you walk away, it will hurt too. But it will be a long road for you.
The things you mentioned you do are not wrong at all. You should be allowed time and space even while in a relationship for yourself.
If therapy isn't an option then I'm not sure this can be changed.
Good luck
E
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