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I broke up my marriage via text, how to pick up the pieces and what to do from here?

Tagged as: Faded love, Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 August 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I just ended our marriage over the stupidest of things. I was out all day celebrating my moms birthday with my second son. I camme home at 730 to find my dh w a friend over, our kids dirty from playing outside, not bathed or fed dinner and a mess in the house- he hadn't cleaned at all. He left to take his friend home and I just lost it. I told him I had just wanted to spend time with him, not clean up after adults or kids. I had wanted the kids bathed, fed and in bed. I asked when he would be home and he basically said not any time soon. It aggravates me and I completely lost it.,I've spent the last couple hours calling him every so often texting things like if you are t home by this time it's over, Im livid, I don't care if you come home, to when are you coming home,, ect. I'm so angry he won't respond and I know he isn't responding because I'm blowing up his phone. I told him it was over via text. I feel like I just lost complete control over myself over the dumbest thing. Well I did lose control. I feel totally insane and out of my mind. I don't know what the hell inshould do. I ended it, so surely it's over, right? We have 3 young children and another on the way (I was on b/c-so this one was a huge surprise) I've ruinedcthings for my kids. I can't believe I got so out of hand. How do I pick up the pieces? I'm currently a stay at home mom to our children, my husband works. I just don't know where I should even go from here? I have no idea if he's even coming home tonight. I'm an idiot.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (17 August 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI am sure that this fight will be resolved.

I have ONE question for you... when you left that morning did you let your husband know what you expected of him?

"honey I'm taking second son out with mom today, while I'm gone can you do a, b and c and also can you make sure that kids 1 and 3 are fed and bathed so that when I get home at 7:30 I can put second son to bed and we can have some couple time?" or did you just assume he would do what you wanted based on how you run things?

if you want to safe it, you call him (NOT text) and apologize for blowing up. you do not have to apologize for being upset or angry.... in other words you apologize for how you reacted NOT how you feel.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (17 August 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou didn't break up the marriage; you just gave a piece of your mind to a very aggravating husband and the reason he's playing it cool is because he knows that there's no point talking to you right now. It'll just escalate tempers. Don't you just hate it though, when men do that? My God...its the most annoying thing EVER!! I feel like strangling my boyfriend whenever he does something annoying like that but then you know what, that's how men are.

No point telling him anything now when you're angry because he just wont respond. I know you must be feeling absolutely awful having to do everything alone and with the pregnancy but just relax, take a deep breath and calm down. Talk to him when he comes back home. Tell him exactly what you're feeling and why you erupted the way you did. I hope he's apologetic and realizes what he's done. Have a stern talk with him, explaining just how difficult you find things right now and the least that you expect from him is to be a little understanding.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (16 August 2015):

Denizen agony auntI think it would be OK to apologise for losing your temper. That doesn't mean you are backing down on the causes.

It might also be time to have a grown-up conversation about both your roles as a parents and home-makers.

If you can talk sensibly to each other about this, then you will know how to continue.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015):

I would have lost it too and with GOOD REASON! Why do so many men act like children with no responsibilities thereby provoking their partners to the point where they just lose it? I wonder...is this the first time this has happened? That you got home and nothing was done? Or you just feel like you are carrying everything at home and get no support? No understanding? And he plays with a friend like a child and then leaves, leaving you to do the dinner, the bathing etc etc etc. A friend of mine is going through this same thing and she is at the end of her tether. I reckon she will lose it shortly as well.

I doubt you would have lost it if this was the first time this has happened and you felt supported and loved. Am I right? I may be off base here, but you sound like a reasonable and logical person and I cannot imagine that this is how you would behave if HE behaved in a responsible manner most of the time. If he generally behaves well and this WAS a one off, then maybe you are in need of some help, some support especially with three young children and another one on the way, you must be exhausted.

He maybe doesn't understand how tired and stressed you are and how much you need help. His comment that he wasn't coming home any time soon sounds as if he didn't like your reaction, but he doesn't sound very mature, or supportive or apologetic. It sounds a little as if it's all about him.

He will return I'm sure, just leave him alone and let the dust settle. When he gets back, wait until he's been back a while and tell him, time for a talk.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (16 August 2015):

Ciar agony auntIt's not necessarily over. Your husband may not have appreciated the tirade but surely he's clever enough and grown up enough to grasp why you were so angry.

Leave him be and carry on as usual. Do NOT beg for anything, as that would only make things worse and would make you feel even less control in the situation which could eventually lead to more tirades in the future.

OP, you do have a right to be angry here. It's not too much to ask for a man to take care of his own children now and then. What would he or his family have to say had it been you who'd created such a mess at home and virtually ignored the kids while you entertained a friend?

Give both of you time to clear your own heads.

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