A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago my wife got in touch with an old boyfriend through the wonders of Facebook. Actually, he sought her out. There some some contact through Facebook which led to e-mail which led to phone calls (always from him but my wife gave him the number) which is when I found out about it. He lives 300 miles away so they never met up although my wife said she would have met him "just to catch up." At the time I was pretty upset about the whole thing, especially at two things: 1) That he was calling her. That to me goes beyond catching up on Facebook, and 2) That she never told him she is married. (He is married with two kids.)My wife thought I was being pretty silly about the whole thing and when I asked her to apologize she didn't. I told her I wanted her to break contact with him and after arguing about how harmless it all was she said she would.Flash forward to present time. It was my wife's birthday recently and my wife stayed up drinking wine after I went to bed. When I woke up the next morning (before her) I saw she had been going through her birthday cards and left them all on the couch. I was sorting them and put them back together nicely for her (and for me so that I could sit down and watch TV) when I saw a familiar name. It was a belated birthday card from that same guy. I read it and there wasn't anything damning in there, but I am upset that this guy is continuing to contact her and she is okay with it especially when she said she would put an end to it.I have been sitting here thinking why this makes me so upset. I do trust my wife not to cheat so it isn't really that. I think it is that she broke her promise to me and she still probably hasn't told him she is married or he probably would lay off. My wife dated him for a summer in college. It's not like they were very close or something. Her exact description of the relationship to me was: "He's a nice guy and I only had sex with him a few times." Maybe that's a better thing in the sense that someone she was madly in love with would be more dangerous to have around than a fling, but that he continues to contact her means to me that he is still not over her. She was the one that broke it off with him. As a guy I think like a guy and in my opinion there is only one thing he is after here. Guys don't generally send birthday cards to women they dated for 10 weeks 15 years ago to be friendly. My wife must like the attention so she lets it persist, but I find it incredibly disrespectful of me and our marriage. However, what can I do about it? We already had a massive fight about it the first time it came up and that didn't get us anywhere apparently.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): That's outright scandalous. She let it cross way over the line past 'just catching up on facebook.' I mean, jeez. She gave this guy your friggin address?? Sends her cards. She never even told him she is married! She is being so disrespectful to you. Well she not only likes his attention but she also likes the attention she is getting from you as well. It is negative attention as you are rightfully jealous and annoyed, but to her, it's still attention. So now she has two guys vying for her. The old flame and the jealous husband. And she is just sitting back, sleeping like a baby at night and enjoying feeling like a prize by two men. She sounds like a complete selfish narcissist. Because marriage is forever and should endure thick and thin, I suppose divorce is certainly not a first resort by a long shot. So what I think you should do, is not give her what she wants. She wants attention. She thrives in your misery and pain. When you get jealous her ego blows up like a hot air balloon. In fact, she probably left that card there ON PURPOSE so that you would see it. She knows it bothers you. So if she knows this, why would she leave something that bothers you in plain sight for you to see? One thing and one thing only: To make you jealous. To watch you blow up and give her attention. All the while she sits there non chalantly with some dumb smug look on her face, yawning at you. Does she work? Cause if she is playing these stupid mind games it sounds like she has way too much time on her hands and should get both a job and life. As for you, ignore her. Act like you could care less. In fact, kill her with kindness. Don't say anything about the card. Don't give her the reaction that she is looking for. In fact never mention it again. This woman is extremely bored and can find nothing better to do with her time. Let her dig her own grave all by herself. Concern yourself with bigger more important things and don't let her infantile, childish tactics get the best of you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): I am totally with you on this one brother, because, like you say, your wife has no business being with her ex. It's bad enough you have to live through the fact that she had sex with him a "few times" let alone that she is hooking back up with him. Like your woman, I had sex with my first GF a few times, but God forbid she contacts me, because if she looks half as good as I remember her, I'll do her in an instant even though I love my wife to pieces and will not let her go. And I'll generate an excuse to meet her anywhere and that would include, like your woman, a claim that it all means nothing. The problem with your woman right now is that her guy is 300 miles away so getting an excuse to meet up with him, like girls night out where she posters you as a control freak, is impossible right at this moment but somewhere between their conversations she understands that he will eventually find a way to depart from his wife, for a few, so she can get done by him. You already had a fight with her over this and it didn't help so she thinks you are weak and that you will swallow her claim that all of that means nothing. But remember that past sex is never forgotten so that is why less we have it with different people the better our marriage is. You are at a crossroad, bro, because your woman is not getting something from you and that usually means not enough attention of some sorts. To keep your wife, look what that guy does, what sort of attention he is giving her, then double up on it and load your woman up. After some time, give her an ultimatum: either she chooses you or you will leave her so she can be with that married guy... and we all know that married men will have sex with any reasonably looking female anytime but will never leave their wife for her ... Which means she can choose you or be left on the street. Bottom line, it really does not matter if she has the hots for him or she doesn't; what matters is that she is being a bitch by deliberately pissing you off instead of soothing your soul which is what a good wife (and husband) would do. I mean, if you knew that something you do would boil your wife's blood, would you do it? Obviously not because you are here seeking help.Your wife knows fully well that talking to that guy pisses you off, irrespective whether your reason is logical or not, legitimate or not because the whole point of having a spouse is to be supportive of one another for the fidelity, and tranquility of both. She is doing the opposite. If you have a family support network, like inlaws or so, this message needs to me told to her because spouses are not supposed to piss each other off irrespective of what they claim their logic is. So put her on a spot where she has to choose a married man who will never leave his wife or you and if she does not change then get rid of her. But put her up for this choice only after you figure out what are all those things that she craves which she is not getting from you so that you spend some time giving it to her and judging her reaction. Sure you should seduce her once again, sure be the Romeo all over, but be unrelentingly tough with your love and affection so that she knows all of that romance will be squandered over stupid fucking contact with her ex who, you know it and we see it, only wants to fuck her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): People who feel emotionally-disconnected to their relationships; resort to finding substitutes and supplements to satisfy their cravings. May I speculate that there was a time when your wife was reminiscing on her single years, and romanticizing on her past. She remembered a time in her carefree younger years, when she found great joy, excitement, romance, and fulfillment. The thrill of being young! Thirty seems older to women, than to men. There is one guy who can share that summer with her. Technically, she is emotionally-cheating. She has become so attached and fulfilled; it has now become her marital-aid and emotional-supplement. It is a friendship born out of a past-history with an old-flame; but it may also provide her something she lost long ago, maybe with you. Maybe you just don't listen, or find things in-common to talk about anymore. Don't get upset with me, I'm going to start the gears turning in your brain. You've got to figure-out why this is so important to her; and why it bothers you so much, knowing they haven't crossed any lines? I think she's being insensitive to your feelings and disrespectful toward her marriage; but you've got to get to the bottom of her reasoning for it. You also have to decide when enough is enough! Ultimatums should never spring from anger or jealousy. Just because you feel she shouldn't have any male friends, period! The jealousy is evident. Maybe to her benefit. Perhaps eventually it could be a detriment to her marriage. If only we could hear her side.
I do agree that it is disturbing that she persists in maintaining a secret connection with an old boyfriend; in spite of your discomfort and irritation. Then you have to question, if her feelings are growing towards him? They have become each others comfort and support, with little regard to their marital-status. They are 300 miles apart, but their little fantasy long-distance relationship keeps them in-touch with that old summer-fling they shared back in college. This has been somewhat their escape from reality. She has become perhaps a tad addicted, or obsessed with it. Thus, she refuses to let go of it. Maybe she isn't concerned about how it effects you; because of things you do that you don't care bother her.
Your wife is lonely. She probably has few friends. You may not be a particularly affectionate; or an outgoing and sociable husband. We don't get her side of the story. We get a lot of one-sided posts regarding people still emotionally-joined to their exes or past lovers. There are multiple reasons why these people reconnect. Mainly because people tend to use their past to escape an uncomfortable present situation; or they have regrets that they wish they had a second-chance to do it differently. We revisit the past; when we think we have no closure, or want to fix something. The problem is, you have to deal with your present situation; and your wife is finding fulfillment by avoiding it. It is safe to say there is no communication between you, or it has corroded over time. She wants to feel like she did in her twenties; and may even feel she married the wrong guy. Please don't take offense, this is all hypothetical. It is odd she resists your request so firmly. That's only what I'm getting at.
It is odd she will not inform him she's married. Even more odd; is why you think she hasn't, when he has a wife anyway?
How much of this is just your jealousy?
Without searching for fault or blame, reassess what is lacking in your marriage. Ten to one, my bet is on a lack of romance, mediocre-sex, and the typical doldrums of a routine that seldom fluctuates. Men seldom notice when they neglect their wives; because society places so much pressure on women to be nurturing, loving, and affectionate; and give men a macho-card to evade responsibility for the same. So why do you think women resort to reading romance novels, why chick-flicks are so popular with women, and sites like DC exist? Because women need love, affection, attention, tenderness, respect, sex, kissing, foreplay, orgasms, to be taken seriously, and they want to be heard. They want all of the above. Men resort to porn, flirt with other women, and totally ignore the woman they've stretched out of shape bearing their children. They watch her age, or gain a few pounds; and turn their attention to younger shapelier-visions of femininity. We take it for granted they love us; and still feel physically attracted, regardless of what shape we're in, how fat we get, and how awful we are in bed. Some guys don't care about their hygiene, they are nasty slobs, and never give their women one single compliment. Unless they feel guilty about something they've said or done. They forget anniversaries, birthdays, and to take out the trash. Women are bound to get even!!!
Dear sir, I am not making excuses for her disrespect, nor her indifference to your feelings about her staying in contact with her old boyfriend. I can only tell you that there is a deficiency, and she has found her supplement.
Now that you have competition, you have motivation. Sit down and talk to your wife. Instead of confronting her and bossing her around about that guy; ask her what she needs from you. Tell her the things you need. You have needs too! Ask her what she misses about you? Get inside her head. Don't deny her friends, but you have a right to set boundaries. Compromise, suggest that you will try to be more understanding; once she informs her old boyfriend she is a married-woman. Anything she does in secret is an offense to your marriage, betrayal of your trust. That is unacceptable. Inform her so!
I think he knows she has a husband, and it just doesn't come-up in conversation; because it kills their fantasy and travel back in time. I think they just confide or share feelings about their relationships. She likes the attention.
If communication continues to fail. Suggest marriage-counseling, or divorce. Which do you think will get her attention first? Introspect before you do anything of that nature. Jealousy and insecurity my be the only culprit behind this situation. That is why I gave you stuff to think about.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 March 2015):
 He is married so even he knows she is married, he has loose boundaries and may not care about either of them cheating. At this point it's all about who's willing. Until you have concrete proof of them physically cheating (penis in vagina), they will be calling each other friends. No one believes they would be cheated on until it has actually happened. She is a drinker so that increases the chance of succumbing to temptation. Whether she feels neglected or bored in the marriage there is no excuse to what she's doing. She is disrespecting you and has no concern for the marriage. If it weren't this guy there would be another guy. So at the end you have to ask yourself if she stops loving you then why stay in this marriage.
Don't focus on her online activity because she can always come up with some defense or even make her facebook account private. Then say you are insecure or controlling. Pay attention to how she treats you as a husband. As long as you are husband you are supposed to treat her and romance her. If she isn't enjoying what you have to offer her then you know the marriage is dead and she is just waiting for a time to leave. If she doesn't appreciate the best of you then you can't beat the competition out there. It would be best to let her go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 March 2015):
 I think she MIGHT be keeping HIM around because you DEMANDED she cut the contact.
She takes it as YOU not trusting her. You may SAY you don't trust her, but seriously, some people ARE quite capable with talking to old almost forgotten exes and not have SEX on their minds. My husband talks (on FB and occasionally texts/calls) to his high school sweetheart, the girl he thought he was going to marry (at 16) and I don't have a problem with it. He hadn't talked to her in over 25 years, she is married, he is (obviously) and I don't think there is anything suspect going on. I would NEVER DEMAND that he couldn't TALK to her. EVER. I'ts NOT my job or privilege to dictate whom he can befriend and whom he can't.
I "talk" to my first BF through e-mails a couple of times a year. We catch up. I DO think he's sent a Christmas card a couple of times, and I sent HIM a couple of B-day cards.
I think YOU are making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes it's NOT a good thing that she hasn't told him she is married, but.. .doesn't her FB reflect that she is married? Aren't there photos and whatnot of the two of you on it? And YES she shouldn't have AGREED to cutting the contact and then NOT do it.
You need to figure out WHAT it is that is SO upsetting to you (about this) and TELL her that. And then decide if you trust her or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): Mmmm, condense your argument and present it in a very clear, concise and logical way.Also, do NOT miss out on how it affects YOU (yes, you haven't made this clear the first time, and yes, men are different BUT women do care about feelings and men never TALK about theirs. Generalising of course, but you do have to TALK about your FEELINGS, they way they are AFFECTED and make her see that).It's not HER fault that HE is contacting her (that much we can agree on,no?), so if you make it into an argument and PUSH her into a CORNER she will NOT back down.That is because, actually, she is NOT doing anything wrong. She might have told this guy that she is married (for all you know), and then HE might still continue to contact her. WHY is SHE being punished for HIS actions?You see how a woman might see this? Indeed, you might be right about him BUT why treat HER like she has done something wrong? She is NOT contacting him etc. She's just remaining polite and in convo,and might wonder "what if", but that's human. I'm sure it must have happened to you too at some point?Anyways, to summarise: you really need to EXPOSE how YOUR feelings are hurt by her INACTION.Otherwise, she will continue to not see anything wrong with it...ps: say she takes drastic action/cuts off all contact...I'm just curious-how is SHE to stop the postman delivering a letter addressed to her?
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