A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello i am a young girl of 18 am dating a guy of 22 he has a child which hurt me most at times when i think of it . I truly love him and wish i could spend the rest of my life with him . He love me so much but my problem is his baby mama ,she still love him but my bf don't have time for her accept to know about the child. I have been asking my bf many time if he is still dating her his response remains"no" but i feel worried because she still love my bf .I have been dating him for about 6 months now and we once break up because of this issue which he came back to me and pleaded that he love me and have nothing in common with the girl telling me he will take the child from her and give me to take care of the child .I also called the baby mama one day pretending am just his normal friend and just a classmate and asked if she has a healthy relationship with the father of her child she said no but that she still love him but no healthy relationship that he cares about the child so much but she thinks he is dating someone els but am worried because she still love him and one thing is that he is hiding me from her but i don't know the reason we spend more time together and our relationship is healthy but my fear his baby mama please what should i do should i let him go please i need advice from you guys Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): "Hello i am a young girl of 18 am dating a guy of 22 he has a child which hurt me most at times when i think of it ."
Reading your story hits home. As a young girl growing up, I never like the idea of being in a relationship with a man that has a child. There is so much drama that can come along with that type of situation. When my ex introduced himself to me, he made it known how much he liked me. However he was having casual sex with someone (unknowing to me) who later became his BM. We were friends for sometime and he was quite persistent on wanting to be in a relationship with me. I decided to give him a chance in June 2006. I was just 17 years old at the time, going on 18 years in December of that year. She later told him that she was pregnant, and she knew about me so she used to stir up drama. After the baby was born, when the child was approximately 4 months old, she claimed that her mother put her out because they had a huge fight. So she came and told my ex that she and the baby needed a place to stay. He loved his daughter dearly and allowed her to come to his place to stay and he went my his mother to stay until the girl made back with her mom. Just one week after she stayed at his place, she decided to stir up drama because he did not want to leave me and he told her she had to leave and go back by her mother. This woman caused so much drama that I told him if the child was his, I can't be in a relationship with him. He had doubts of paternity since she had casual sex with two other guys at that time. She boasted to his sister about the time she had sex in a man's car on her birthday which is within the conception window. My ex continued to care for the little girl as his own but is yet to actually do a paternity test. I remember one time this woman would call me and be like, our daughter this, our daughter that, like she wanted me to feel hurt and inferior to her...like you, it did hurt. But here you are in this situation saying he doesn't want her to know about you!
RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!
Seems like he is still sexually involved with her. My ex showed such disgust for his BM that she wrote him begging to give her a chance and marry her for the sake of their daughter and he can have whatever woman he wishes. He was an open book with her, and I knew he didn't want to be with her...I mean why did he have casual sex with her right...three times to be exact... but I never liked being in a relationship with a man who has a child and he drama made it even more concrete as to why I never wanted that for ME!!! I gave him a couples years well of my life, and the many arguments of his BM, the times she called to somewhat make me feel inferior to her...the hurt I can remember o so well. And o yeah, we broke up and he went on to have sex with someone else...we got back together sometime later and he didn't want that person to know I was his GF. He wanted to have sex with the both of us. Just as she never knew we were together, I never knew he was with her.
"...she thinks he is dating someone els but am worried because she still love him and one thing is that he is hiding me from her but i don't know the reason..."
That is just crazy. I would want to believe he doesn't know what he wants...maybe they are still having sex. I want to tell you to run, and run as far as your legs can carry you away from this situation. You love him but he doesn't love you enough to let his BM know about you. That is a man without boundaries and he may hurt you in the end.
But, the ball is in your court! I hope you make a right decision. You are too young to be caught up in this mess...I am seeing a younger me in this post. A young woman who took on the worries and hurt no one at 18yrs old should.
A
female
reader, KeW  +, writes (9 August 2019):
 Hi there,
I’m sorry that you’re finding this hard to deal with, but it’s your instincts telling you that this situation is (rightfully) too much for you. His life situation is a hard one for any girlfriend to accept and deal with, let alone one so young.
You are hurt by him having a child, but he will always have that child. If you are still bothered by this (and his ex) after 6 months, it’s likely you are not compatible with his life, which is okay, but won’t allow a successful relationship.
Please sit and think about the future you want. His child and his ex will always be in the picture. Will you always be hurt by this? Will you always be uncomfortable with his ex? Will you ever trust him around his ex? Will you have sex with him and end up in the same situation his ex is; a single parent?
This is a lot for anyone to consider and process, more so for an 18 year old. It’s alright to say “I love you, but I am not ready for this life and I believe it’s best we end our relationship permanently”. It will hurt for a while, but you will move on and find someone who doesn’t have such a complicated life.
Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2019): You are too young for the situation that you've gotten yourself into; and too young for the young man you claim to be your boyfriend.
"But I love him" is always the warning to us that no matter what; you don't intend to give him up. Most of these situations resolve themselves no matter what we advise you to do; because reality tends to set-in, and you can't fight what is not meant to be.
Lets get one thing established here. He is morally and financially-connected to his baby's mama through his kid. That's why so many kids are born out-of-wedlock. They're often meant to trap guys into relationships they don't want. They share a child together, for life. You either get used to the fact, or move on.
If she is still attached to him, it makes things all the more complicated. She will use the child as a pawn from time to time. He hasn't told her about you; because he fears she is likely to do that.
You're too young to be even considering being a wife, or a mother. It would be a cruel thing to take the child from his or her biological-mother, to soothe your insecurity. Giving you her child will make matters even worse! The child will grow-up resenting both you, and your boyfriend! Not that it will ever happen!
It's unlikely he will, or even wants to, take the child from his or her natural-mother anyway. He has to tell you such things to make you feel more secure.
You're in over your head on two counts. He's too old for you; and the situation is far too complicated for a teenage-girl! Who hardly knows anything about life, or long-term relationships. Even less about being a mother.
If you're not using protection; you'll be the next single-mother/baby-mama pining over a guy. Who already has one kid, with a baby-mama still very much attached to both of them. Imagine how complicated that would be!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 August 2019):
 I get you say you love him but, seriously, do you really need such complications at your age? You are only 18 and have the rest of your life ahead of you. His child (and its mother) will be in your boyfriend's life for the foreseeable future.
As for taking the child away from its mother, unless she is a bad mother (you don't say anywhere that she is), then this would be totally wrong and probably not even possible.
I'm not going to advise you to leave him because I doubt you will take any notice. What I WILL advise is that you make sure you use VERY reliable contraception. Enough said.
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