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I am with a girl who loves me very much and I love her but I am not sexually attracted to her (overweight).

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 April 2009) 15 Answers - (Newest, 29 April 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, *erblaine writes:

I am with a girl who loves me very much and I love her but I am not sexually attracted to her(overweight). She loves me so much and she will do almost anything to make me happy. She has even offered to let me bring over an escort once a week. I do love her very much as a person, but I feel like I should be sexually attracted to who I love. The other kicker is that she rescued me from the streets and has given me everything and been so awesomely good to me..... She has given me a new life.

Should I just continue to masturbate all the time to satisify my sexual desires and maybe do the escort once a week and just enjoy the rest of my life with her and love her and help her lose weight?

I just thought I would write this and see if anyone answers.

View related questions: escort, lose weight

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A male reader, jerblaine United States +, writes (29 April 2009):

jerblaine is verified as being by the original poster of the question

jerblaine agony auntWell she went down some more pounds which is great but there is still 100 pounds to go. As long as the weight keeps going down I feel good....but she likes to cheat and eat which is extremely frustrating to me.

Unfortunately, I am not in a position to leave at the moment so I am stuck. She was thin in her 20s now she is in her 40s so I am hoping she get down to NEAR her 20s weight at least. I know it will probably take over a year to do it!...so it will be a test of endurance for me I guess.

I feel trapped but I guess it could be worse.

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A female reader, Eyespy17 United States +, writes (29 April 2009):

One more thing - DO NOT lead her on. Tell her you feel you are just friends. If she wants to lose weight for her, great. But if she loses it for you and then she starts to put it back on- you're going to leave her anyway. And then you won't even have the friendship.

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A female reader, Eyespy17 United States +, writes (29 April 2009):

Sounds like you see her as a best friend, and not a lover.

That's ok. You can't force chemistry.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009):

I think that you should encourage her to lose weight, maybe you could both go on weight watchers diet together (even if you don't need it) or disguise it as a healthy lifestyle, but don't put this accross to her forcefully!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009):

Not all "I'm not attracted to her because of her weight" situations are created equal. A lot depends on the specifics. I think you should ask yourself whether it's realistic that you could someday become attracted to this woman.

Has she ever been anywhere near slim enough to attract you in her adult life before? Family weight situation? Is it even "in the cards" for her to attain a size small enough to attract you?

Would you be attracted to the same face and person and personality even if she WAS thinner and everything else about her stayed the same? (It's a real question. Is there any basic sexual chemistry underneath that the weight issue is blocking, or not?)

There is a great reward (for both of you) in helping her lose weight and making you genuinely attracted to her. But there is a great risk if you both slave away at that goal while it is just not realistic one. It may leave her feeling worse than ever if you both start severely focusing on her weight but the payoff (your attraction, not only just her weight loss) is never really coming.

I also vote not to go with any escorts. You will both feel better if you just either make it worth with this woman or else just formally break off the sexual relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009):

Thanks for checking back in with us.

Did you decide if you'll take the ecsourt or not?

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A male reader, jerblaine United States +, writes (26 April 2009):

jerblaine is verified as being by the original poster of the question

jerblaine agony aunt Well so far I see a huge difference between male and female answers....so now I am really wishing I was a guy who is into plus-sized women, or a guy who can easily do sexual activities without being attracted.

It may be low self-esteen for her to offer the escort, but it could also be us having an open and understanding relationship. I can see both sides.

I am going to stay. I am really living my life to help her lose weight. It is very hard for her. I figure it is my way to be the best friend ever and repay her for giving me this new paradise life. Losing weight is extremely hard and it really takes a person to be closely involved to motivate(i.e. the biggest loser show). I will be so proud of her and me when we lose it all!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009):

Speaking as a plus sized woman myself, and I say this without any hostility to you at all, my advice is leave her.

I know you feel you owe her, but if you're not attracted, then you're not attracted and there's no sin in that. I'm sure you're grateful and love her as a person, but staying in this relationship will actually do her more harm than good in the long run. You will, if you stay with her, find someone you are attracted to and you'll hurt her even when you actively pursue that woman and leave her for the new girl.

Let me tell you, the whole escort thing actually bothers her more than she'll ever say. The problem is her self-esteem is so low, that she'll do anything to keep you and that's just not healthy. This isn't love on her part... its desperation. Anything she's doing for you that looks like love, is really just trying to keep you with her, come hell or high water. Believe me, I know... I've been her before.

If you really love her as a person, you'll release her so that she can work herself (mentally, not physically... she shouldn't lose weight for anyone but herself) and then be able to move on and find a healthy relationship. There are plenty of men out there who love plus sized women, who will make her feel desired. Who she will not feel she has to degrade herself for just to keep him.

Ooooh... I wish I could talk to your girlfriend and give her a good shake.

Look, be her friend... pay her back for all she's done somehow. But don't string her along in this relationship until things get so ugly it get out of control.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009):

she deserves a man who desires her and finds her attractive...leave her so she can meet such a man

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A male reader, romance_boy18 Canada +, writes (26 April 2009):

romance_boy18 agony auntlove shouldn't matter by appearance. i have a chubby gf and id still love her sexually. im for bbws

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A male reader, previasc96 United States +, writes (26 April 2009):

Riding an "overweight" woman is so fun! you have no clue the joy you're missing out on!

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A male reader, previasc96 United States +, writes (26 April 2009):

Let her give you oral! if she's good at it, she won't need to be "sexually attractive" for you to want to give her a good ride LOL!

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (26 April 2009):

Sweet-thing agony auntI think you should plan outings with this girl that will help her lose weight. When you're with her, order healthy things and no fast food. Get into an exercise program together. She proably wants to lose weight too and you may be able to rescue her in a manner very similar to what she has done for you. After she's slimmed down, you may find you can't keep your hands off of her. But if you still don't find her attractive, then let her go so she doesn't invest too much of herself in you and be heart broken by your exit. I wish you the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009):

I think you need to help her with her confidence. Sexually attracted or not, i don't believe that if you love someone.. truely love someone, you will ever be with someone else during that relationship. If she's offering this to you, then she doesn't have very much respect for herself or very good self-esteem and i think that instead of encouraging her to be that way, you should helpher overcome. You can help her lose weight if you're both into it. But don't let her degrade herself that way. That is just sad to me that she must think so lowely of herself, eventhough she as you said, a great person. Continue masturbating.

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A female reader, miss-innocent Ireland +, writes (26 April 2009):

ok i am fat so speaking from that point of view although people will condem you if you dont love her you dont and that cant be helped you can help her to lose weight which will be good for her but i doubt you will love her then so your best just to tell her instead of stringing her along because she is prob hoping for something

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