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I am very "turned on" by my wife with another man, is this crazy?

Tagged as: Cheating, Forbidden love, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2008) 19 Answers - (Newest, 27 October 2013)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

This is a little embarrassing, but have been wanting to ask someone about this for some time, but have never had the guts to ask any of my friends. My wife and I have a good friend (David). We've been friends with him for about 4 years. The 3 of us hang out a lot and he's gone with us on several trips to San Diego. He and my wife, Rachel, do spend some time together. For example, they work-out together, they've gone to the movies a couple times, etc. He also goes out with us a lot and when we do, they dance together, have a good time, flirt, etc. (most of the time, she's the one flirting with him). The embarrassing question is this (and go easy on me)...whenever my wife is with is with David, I am very turned-on by it. She's beautiful and I'm proud to be married to her, but for some reason, when she's with him, I like it and have no clue why. For some CRAZY REASON, I love it when she flirts with him, I get turned-on when they are dancing together, when they're out alone, etc., etc. He's good looking too (no, I'm not gay), so I'm pretty sure (though not certain) she's attracted to him. FYI, The 3 of us are in our early 30s. Please tell me I'm not crazy! The 3 of us go to San Diego a lot and we were supposed to go again in April, but I won't be able to go because of my job. I so want to tell Rachel that she can go to San Diego with Mark, but not sure if I should. I don't mind her going, but not sure what she would think if I said I didn't mind. -Paul

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013):

I don't understand it either, I always fantasise about my wife

gtving another man a blow job.

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A male reader, kinkydude United Kingdom +, writes (6 September 2010):

Hi

what's the story two years later? Are you still together????

Thanks!

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A male reader, hacmar Canada +, writes (30 December 2008):

I know exactly how you feel. I recently asked my wife to have sex with anyone else then myself. I read most of the replies and agree with some of them. Here’s my two cents. Don’t let anyone ever make you think that you are crazy, especially yourself. You need to figure out what it is you want. If you do go forward with it, you must tell your wife. Communication is everything. My wife and I have been swinging for a year and it is true about the rules. 1. Always play together. 2. Always play safe. 3. Always reconnect. These rules work because they are about respect, boundaries and communication. We have broken those rules on many occasions but the communication is always there. Let me know if you’d like the full story. Cheers! Marc [email address blocked]

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A male reader, Deepdepth Australia +, writes (16 August 2008):

I'm a bit late responding but if still an issue then consider the following, and it's true: I had a very similar circumstance but the guy in this was a schoolfriend was in agony as he had not been successful with getting a girlfriend in months (though good-looking, and no I'm not gay either - will we guys ever get over this?!). Anyway we only recreationally tripped together (me, girlfriend and him) so yes, he was stuck in his own pup tent or motel room while we had fun (sometimes, not if we weren't sober). I raised his problem (no pun), g'friend mulled it over and next night made herself room-delivery for him. I didn't stick around to hear walls crashing but got the video..which is fun...especially as she keeps saying "No" in the beginning but is dressed to tease and there's 90 minutes of "here we go again". It hasn't happened since as he met someone long-term shortly after but as my girl-friend said" "it was a buzz", "it felt safe", "he worshipped her", "she'd been with others before me" and yes, his climaxes almost killed him!!! It's funny when they meet now (I'm not meant to know) as she always gets a very affectionate hug, and yes, he kept her panties as a souvenir. G/Friend and me? Now married and it's out of our system. Did we save a life that night?

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A male reader, harryone United States +, writes (7 August 2008):

I gave my wife to a very good friend of mine. I am 27 yrs older than her and can NOT keep up with her sexually. she has been seeing him for over a yr. I dont watch them but remain in the house until they are finished making love. Its been going well now for me and her. I have a health condition so I can not make love to her

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

DO NOT SEND YOUR WIFE OUT TO SAN DIEGO WITH ANOTHER GUY

I don't care how turned on ya get by it, if your wife cheats on you your gonna be pretty screwed up.

this sounds like a mental thing...i think that you get 'turned on' by them together because maybe you want to do those innocent things with your wife again? work on your marriage. it shouldn't be that david/mark guy taking her to the movies! it should be you! HELLO! SHE'S YOUR WIFE! THE ONE YOU SWORE TO LOVE FOREVER!

here's my recomendation, stop seeing this other guy so much, i mean yeah remain friends, but you and your wife need quality time together. just you and her.

and by quality time i mean the innocent stuff, e.g taking her to movies, restaurants, beach, lake, etc

good luck x

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A male reader, H2H United States +, writes (16 March 2008):

Intriguing and a bit unconventional, but definitely not crazy.

However, you may want to reconsider giving her your blessing for the two of them going to San Diego without you.

I've known a number of couples who are swingers and they tend to have a rule of only doing such stuff when the other is present. There are good, solid, practical reasons for this.

It's too easy for things to start one way and easily end up going another.

Emotional pair-bonding can get extremely complicated very quickly, and "triangles" are inherently unstable. But I do have a suggestion. Please watch "Chasing Amy", the climatic scene when she explains why she won't go down that road to her boyfriend and his best friend, and I believe you'll fully understand the risks. I've never seen it explained any better or more fully and honestly.

As for what the 3 of you do together, that's entirely a matter for the 3 of you. Enquring minds need not apply. ;)

You just need to be aware of the road hazards involved, and make sure all 3 of you are ready to handle the terrain!

--H2H

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008):

Dude, just sounds like you enjoy watching as much as you do doing. You can relate this to porn, most guys get turned on by porn even tho they are not in the scene. You get turned on by watching your wife do things and imagining yourself in the other persons position.

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A female reader, korculan queen Australia +, writes (14 March 2008):

Well mate fantasies are good to enhance things. The only danger is if they hook up individually after the threesome or foursome or whatever you want to do. Talk to her about it but mate I hope she flirts with you too mate cause if she is flirting with your mate in front of you and you are cool with it she could be telling him you have an open marriage and you allow her to have sex with this guy WITHOUT YOU THERE. Talk to her mate and if you really want the fantasy of three of you in the bed it is up to you but I am sensing that they are already doing it. Are you open to the idea of 3 of you because you are scared of losing her or not confident in your ability to please her? It sounds to me like you are the other guy and this other guy is her partner.

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A male reader, ix69bj United Kingdom +, writes (14 March 2008):

You're description of the current situation does not indicate that your wife has had sex with David; however you do say you are turned on when they are together.

How would you feel if they did have sex ? Would you want this to happen and would you want to be present at the time ?

If they go on holiday together, it is likely that they indulge in sex - so you need to be clear how you feel about the answers to those questions.

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A male reader, Dr Vendetta United Kingdom +, writes (14 March 2008):

Dr Vendetta agony auntSimple answer. In todays world, it's normal, not to everyones taste, but it's normal.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (14 March 2008):

TasteofIndia agony auntYou mixed up some names here... "David" went to being "Mark". I'm feeling confused... who the hell is Mark?!?!

Yeah, I don't know about this.

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A female reader, gost8 United States +, writes (14 March 2008):

I agree 100% with Uncle Phil. However, if this is true, you know where David stands and I think from the tone of the questions, Rachel would like it too!!

Good luck sweetie

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

Another thing - on Tuesday you and David were aged 28, and Rachel was 27. It would appear that you've all aged considerably in the last 3 days.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

Well, it's only a few days since David was asking us about this situation and he was wondering how you felt about it. Now he knows. Perhaps you could ask Rachel to post on here too and get her to ask what we think of things from her perspective.

Unless, of course, all three of you are one and the same person? I smell a hoax post.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

Threesome crap splits people up and is stupid behaviour. Almost nobody can keep a relationship going once they start that. It breeds jealousy, mistrust and insecurity. 80% of couples split who do this within 2 years of starting (Relate) I am sick and tired of seeing this selfish and completely idiotic stuff written about by babies who don't have a clue. It may be trendy but it is incredibly naive as a concept. Long term relationshipships almost never survive and it threatens the wellbeing of families and children as well as the participants. It's one of those things that people seem to feel they have a right to take what they want and then seem so shocked at the fall-out. Where is the emotional intelligence in that? Greedy people get fat, people who gorge on sex without paying heed to feeling and respect can't stay the course in relationships.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

I think you are in danger of losing your wife to your friend but you are so turned on by the idea sexually that you aren't noticing the real agenda.

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (14 March 2008):

DoubleM agony auntPlease understand that I am very or comparatively traditional, perhaps, yet was considered WAY progressive in my youth and earlier years (through your age range today). During those many years (I'm now precisely 60), there was little that I considered beyond the realm of heterosexual activity, and even today I can accept that extramarital affairs are quite commonplace.

To answer your question, I do not think that you are "crazy" although I would not have knowingly, generously or willingly considered sharing my wives or lovers with anyone. Today, as a man raised probably more traditionally in Texas, my perspective has at least become more relaxed regarding lovers at least (I'm now divorced or single as it may be considered).

Your turn-on about another man screwing your wife would still nevertheless seem rather extraordinary to me, but at least my opposition to sharing a lover would bother me quite a bit less these days. My main point may be that it depends not only on the period of time, but on the region of the country or the world where someone was raised perhaps.

If a lover today was careful and wished to experience some variety while still keeping me happy, so be it. I might likely exercise the same freedom.

At my age I've become rather conservative politically, but remain very liberal socially. The conclusion being that - to each his own. If you are "that" socially liberal to share your wife with another man with no jealousy, then you are quite a bit more progressive than this older man. For what it's worth. If children are, or may likely be involved someday, you may grow to think much differently and possibly regret some earlier indiscretions.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

Being turned on by her with him isn't wrong, it's a little unusual but it's not wrong! Have you considered a threesome..? I think a lot of people are turned on by their partner with someone else, but not a lot carry this through because they're afraid that either their partner will eventually leave them for this other person, or would just see it as cheating, even though it's consented. It's quite a difficult situation to be in, I understand, but I'm sure she wouldn't think its strange. If she's flirted with him in front of you and you havent said anything, just acted the same, then I'm sure that she's pretty much realised you don't mind already! If it's how you feel, tell her honey. Good luck :]

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