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I am upset at how he dealt with Mother’s Day! What would you do in my shoes?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2018) 11 Answers - (Newest, 16 May 2018)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hello. My bf and I are 35, cohabitating. We have kids but not with each other although I am quite close with his. I was really upset on mother’s day because I woke up to an empty, messy house but a gift and cards left out. Apparently he thought the kids shouldn’t miss practice even though I wanted to be with them. It was like opening gifts alone on Christmas. I get he wanted me to sleep in but it was already 10am and he didn’t return until lunch time. By then I cleaned and made myself food. I had also cried for a good half hour because I felt lonely and rejected. I know he didn’t intend that but it’s how I felt. When I told him I didn’t like how he went about it and wished he had thought it through, he cursed me off. He said I was an ungrateful b word, miserable and I’m dying alone. Because I got even more upset, he left with the kids and didn’t return until I called in the evening. He sent gifts to the women in his family so it’s not like he doesn’t celebrate the holiday. What would you do in my shoes? Thanks much for listening. Any advice is very much appreciated.

View related questions: christmas

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2018):

Where was their biological mother? I find it strange they celebrated with you so perhaps you helped raise them or biological mother is not around? I think he sounds crass however, there’s not enough information.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2018):

Who calls a mother nasty words on Mother’s Day!? Shame on those who makes excuses for this man. There are so many people that have their girlfriends play mommy so I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re doing a lot if you were that upset especially since they were with YOU, NOT their own mother on Mother’s Day! Hello??? Was I the only one who noticed that detail? Do the kids live with you? It was your party so cry if you want to. Maybe cut back on the free maid service since he can’t appreciate that.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 May 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOn a day off, most people want to sleep in a bit. He probably got up with just enough time to get the kids ready, leaving no time to clean up. They shouldn't miss their thing for Mothers' Day. Also, the mess probably didn't just appear that morning, so you could have had a family tidy up the night before, but you didn't - you expected them to do it in the morning, when you didn't want to do it.

As for the empty house, I know how lonely that can be on a regular basis, but this was ONE DAY. A day that is meant for mothers to relax. You were able to sleep in because he didn't wake you and you knew where the kids were, so you knew roughly when they'd be back, so you could have used that alone time to relax or pamper yourself, but YOU chose not to.

He came back from doing fatherly duties, only to find you pissed off that he hadn't read your mind about your dream Mothers' Day. He did a pretty good job:

- let you sleep in

- took kids to practice so you didn't have to

- gave you an empty house for a couple of hours to make the most of alone time

- left gifts and cards out for you

That's more than many get and, if you had paused the disappointment, you could have ENJOYED it. Instead, you likely nagged/bitched at him when he got back, so he got angry and rude because you were unappreciative of what he tried to do for you.

Unfortunately, you caused this. He shouldn't have said what he said, but you made this a huge problem and he'd actually done nice things. It wasn't what you expected, so you wasted what you'd been given.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (16 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntYour bf didn't tidy up before he left, but just maybe, he didn't want to make too much noise, so as not to wake you up, plus he was getting ready to take the kids out.

I am sure he didn't mean to leave everything to you, to do on Mother's Day.

I think, so long as he doesn't always leave everything for you to do, then you can sensibly let this one go & not add fuel to fire.

If he ongoingly does little to no housework, then you speak up and you let him know that you're unhappy and you expect him to pull his weight around the house.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (16 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntI seriously think you created an "absolute drama" out of nothing.

Your bf, so far as HE knew, was doing the very best he could do for you, "under the "circumstances" of that day.

His actions have nothing to do with how he feels for you and it doesn't mean that he isn't acknowledging "your Mother's Day".

He actually allowed you time to sleep in & he thought to take the children out to their regular practice.

Nothings changed and no big deal, right?

If truth be known & with all due respect, your bf is not the Father of YOUR children, yet he kindly acknowledges YOUR Mother's Day.

You are his gf, not his Mother, not his wife and not the Mother of HIS children.

What's my point?

Yes, it's important that your bf treats you very well & acknowledges significant days in your life, however, just because he doesn't do things YOUR WAY, doesn't mean that he loves you or cares for you any less.

What i said above, in no way means that what's important to you, shouldn't be important to your bf, it's just that, different people, especially men, look at days such as Mother's Day, in a very different way to we women.

I've met many men, who will only wish their own Mother or Wife a happy Mother's Day and not every single woman they meet.

Many men, who are "dating" a woman, who happens to be a Mother, will carry this belief too and there are a variety of reasons, as to why they feel as they do.

Your bf had to take the children to practice and that's fine.

Your bf left a gift and cards for you, so he was very thoughtful in deed and you should be totally appreciative of this, rather than try to look at everything that didn't go exactly your way, as you'd hoped.

I am guessing here, that perhaps YOUR REACTION to anything your bf said or didn't say, is what actually led to the outcome.

Always think before you speak and always think before you act.

If you had approached your bf in a totally different and more positive, calm, rational and above all else, "appreciative" way, none of this would have ever transpired.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States + , writes (16 May 2018):

TylerSage agony auntThe issue here is that instead of highlighting all the pros in your day you focused on all the cons. You woke up to a gift from your loved ones, many woman yearn to be a mother but were not fortunate enough to have kids, you had the house to yourself, some people wish they could hear themselves think a few few hours.

I will admit, there was a bit of a dryness to it, but thankfully it's something celebrated every year.The two of you don't seem to communicate very well. Not to mention he exploded on you when you mentioned that you had an issue with it. Are the two of you having problems?

Yes, he should have made it VERY clear that he was planning to take the kids out on a day such as Mothers Day before you even got up as well as the fact that he would return much later on. People tend to display more honesty when angry. To him it seems you don't show enough gratitude. If persons don't feel appreciated especially spouses, they make less effort and try less and do less. If a student does good in all their subject but fails at Science would you focus on the failure while ignoring the success? At some point that student would feel like a very good student and either give up in Science or feel insecure about their worth to you.

Talk. Speak. Express. Share. Listen. Communicate and appreciate.

All the best.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 May 2018):

Both sides behaved badly. Sometimes you can't make people act-out things as scripted in your imagination.

Come-on, this isn't your first Mother's Day with your combined-family. You obviously fantasized about what you hoped for. As a mom, you'd expect certain things on Mother's Day; but you have to consider who you're expecting all this from.

Some people are not so sentimental, have limited sensitivities, and may not execute the Mother's Day plan to the degree that they pull-out all the stops. They do what's appropriate for the occasion. My Mom used to say everyday is Mother's Day; and she expects us to be good to her everyday of the week! We certainly tried! I had great mom!

If you watch TV and go by greeting cards as to how your special day should go; you'll certainly feel slighted and disappointed. You should know how imaginative your family is! Set your expectations lower; and whatever happens will seem above average to great.

You chose your man based on the qualities he possesses, you accepted his kids; because they came with the package.

If you haven't taught your own children how to show their appreciation, and not to take you for granted; you have some work to do.

Wait a few weeks, and call the family together. You shouldn't behave disappointed in-front of young children. In their minds they did something nice for you. Dad could have done better; but he's no stranger to you. You know how imaginative he is. He just buys gifts. You're not HIS mom!

I recommend that you sit all the kids down and lecture them on how to show appreciation and love for each other, and their parents. They also learn by example. So tell them about what you did for your own mom; to show your appreciation on her special-day, and every other day.

Any guy who calls his woman a bitch doesn't sound too appreciative, and has no respect for her. You chose the whole batch; so that's what you have to work with. If you were crying and putting-on a completely emotional performance in-front of everybody; you surely weren't going to get a good reaction. It all came across badly. Like what they did for you meant absolutely nothing to you.

You and your boyfriend need to workout your relationship-issues. If a man calls you a bitch in-front of your kids; that boyfriend, and his kids, have to go. They apparently don't see you as their mother, they already have one.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntI agree with Honeypie, but I'm not buying your whole story. You wrote: "I told him I didn’t like how he went about it and wished he had thought it through". That is written in a way that implies that you were calm and reasonable about it.

Your boyfriend's reaction was an extremely angry reaction, which doesn't make sense if you were calm about it. I suppose it's possible if he has a pattern of unreasonable angry outbursts, but, if that were the case then most posters would've written something to tell us that in order to help us understand the situation better. You wrote nothing of the sort.

I'm calling BS. You admitted to crying about this for half an hour and we're supposed to believe you were calm about it when you brought it up to your boyfriend?

I believe you lashed out at him in anger. That makes way more sense than your sanitized version that makes you look good and your boyfriend look bad. I think he was caught so off guard by your angry reaction, that he verbally lashed out, at which point you got even more enraged, so he left.

I don't know the truth, and even if your version of events is true, the evidence you've given doesn't make you look good. Crying over this was very childish. As Honeypie pointed out, you could've just relaxed, waited for them to return, and then had fun opening the gifts with them. Then you could've gone back to relaxing and not worry about the mess. If your boyfriend says something about the mess, you could just have said, it's mother's day, I'm relaxing, but a clean house would be a great extra gift. But you didn't, instead you indulged your disappointment.

Even if your version of events is totally true, you owe your family an apology. There was no justification for ruining mother's day for your children just because you didn't get exactly what you wanted. If your version of events is completely true, then your boyfriend should also apologize for his outburst. However, if I'm right about your behavior, then you don't deserve an apology from him - in that case, it's all on you.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

mystiquek agony auntHe was thoughtful and you were too dramatic. Its not like he didn't think about you or forgot you OP! Remember men aren't mind readers as much as we ladies like to think that they are and they don't know what we truly want unless we ask them or explain to them. Give the guy credit for thinking of you and trying. You got far more than I got for many years with 2 kids and a husband who didn't give a damn. I agree with Honeypie, apologize and explain what you were hoping for.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2018):

When I was reading this, I started getting the feeling that he was well meaning and that it was a miscommunication.

I was going to write that, "He thought you would like it, and you should have been more specific about what you wanted to do to celebrate the holiday," until I read, "He called me an ungrateful bitch and told me I would die lonely." Then he left when you were upset.

I think you're both kind of at fault here. Cruel words like that can really break a person's spirit. On the other hand, you could have been more specific about what you wanted. It's a shame that so much drama and sadness is the inevitable consequence of what is effectively a Hallmark holiday.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhy didn't you just wait until they got back? that way you could open the present AND card surrounded by your loved ones.!

I think you are being over the top on this. YOU are making it an issue.

Honestly, OP! drama for NO real reason.

And I'm saying that as a mother who's husband ALWAYS combines my birthday with Mother's Day even if they land on two different days.. That way he thinks 2 birds one stone!

And you know what? It works fine in this house. Then again IDGAF about COMMERCIAL greeting card holidays such as Mother's day and Valentine's Day. It's just another day.

YOUR husband thought he would do something NICE for you and let you sleep in. Sure, he could have picked up the house so you didn't wake up to both an empty and dirty house...

I don't see why the kids should miss practice over Mother's Day. They were ONLY gone a couple of hours. You could have gone soak in the tub, done Zumba in the living room or whatever you fancied, until they got home to celebrate with you.

But YOU didn't get the day you WANTED and you are pissed that your partner isn't a mind-reader who knows EXACTLY what you had wanted to do for the day.

If anything, OP... Sorry, to sound harsh - YOU ruined the day. I don't think he did.

Now you may not agree with me (and that is fine) but I would advice that you TALK to him, apologize for the drama and then GO ONE to explain HOW you would like a Mother's day to go and then ask HIM how he would like to see Father's Day go. no tears, no drama conversation.

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