A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm afraid I'm starting to dislike men and I really don't want to. Can someone help me to work out how to get over these feelings please because I don't want to be that woman?Basically, I split up with my boyfriend of 5 years about 6 months ago. Things had been going downhill for a while, mainly because I was feeling neglected. Absolutely everything was on his terms - how often we saw each other (twice a week usually); what days and times he was free (I'd usually find that out on the day); what we did on those days (mainly him trying to initiate sex 5 mins after I arrived then sitting watching tv on separate couches for the rest of the night saying he was too tired to talk). He never talked about anything deeper than his weekend plans, and he got frustrated when I tried to tell him I wasn't feeling a connection as he didn't understand what I thought was missing and often dismissed it as me being a typical woman - aka a 'nag'.After a couple of years of trying to fix things and adjusting my expectations to try to make it work, I realised I was very unhappy and I eventually told him I was done and he was shocked. He ended up asking me to move in, but he clearly still didn't understand what I felt was missing and I couldn't face spending the rest of my life with someone who couldn't be bothered to find out anything about me that didn't involve my favourite foods or TV shows, and who was only willing to fit me in around his social life when it suited him.I took a few months for myself and got to the stage where I was feeling optimistic and good about myself, but I have been on a few dates in the last 2 months and they have all been terrible. The first man asked me how often per week I'm willing to have sex with a partner because he's wasn't willing to 'waste his time on a ^^k-tease'! This was in the first hour of our first (and only) date.The second guy told me he was only in it for something physical so I better keep my feelings in check and not get my hopes up. That was at the start of our first (and only) date.The third guy refused to meet me anywhere but his home as he wasn't interested in doing the 'boring' stuff like going out on dates. He just wanted to cut right to the chase. Needless to say I didn't meet him at all.And these were the ones that seemed nice enough to give my phone number to!Other guys I have chatted to have complained about how women are de-masculating them; how we are only out for money, status and looks; how we all hook men then deliberately divorce them to take all of their assets; how we have unrealistic expectations and should just let 'men be men' and not expect any emotional support because men don't care about anything but getting laid. One said to basically leave men alone unless they need sex or food, and another said men only tolerate women because they need sex and companionship, but they all know we are shallow and demanding and less intelligent and interesting than their male friends!So many men I have met seem so bitter and full of hate for women and are only interested in getting their own needs met.Things were not like this when I last dated at all and I'm getting very disheartened. This happens no matter where I meet men too, whether it be the supermarket, the gym, in a bar or online. I also tried to change my type and agreed to a date with a guy who aways moaned about being a 'nice guy' who no women usually go for (I wasn't really attracted to him but he seemed like a gentleman), but he ended up the worst of the lot! Firstly he started acting like a total player once I agreed to go out with him, as if it had given him a confidence boost that I wanted him and he thought he could now do better, and it quickly became clear that he really seemed to hate women as well (this is what I don't want to become).I have decided to take a step back from dating because I'm finding I can't get even half an hour into a conversation with a single man before he tells me all the ways in which my gender has pissed him off. The ironic thing is, they still approach me. Like they are still somewhat interested, but all of their baggage comes pouring out the minute they are faced with the prospect of dating.I don't think I'm asking too much in relationships - I want someone to share good and bad times with, to connect with, to travel with and have good sex with, and to have a family. I want us to be a partnership - a team. I don't want his money and I don't expect a fairytale, I just want his love, respect, commitment and time.But my recent experience suggests this isn't what men want or are willing to give. My 5 year relationship ended because he only put in the bare minimum effort to shut me up, and the rest haven't even made it past the first date because they made it clear that their own needs were all they were willing to consider.Even platonic acquaintances are acting this way. I work in a very male dominated industry, and I sit next to a married man at work who has complained solidly for the last month that his wife's pregnancy body is unattractive to him. He seems almost angry at her because his sexual needs aren't being met (although she is very willing by the sounds of it and he is actively avoiding her), claiming that men are visual creatures who need sex with an attractive woman to function in day to day life. All of the other men agree and sympathise although I do get the impression one or two think he's full of it. He seems excited about the baby, but never considers his wife at all - only the fact it's a shame for him that he now finds her repulsive.Another colleague complains every night that he's going to get nagged into spending time with his kids and talking to his wife when he gets home, when all he really wants to do is play on his x-box and unwind. He complains that she doesn't appreciate the fact he works all day for his family, but his wife works in the same company and does the same number of hours with the same responsibility levels so surely she must understand?!I don't tend to get involved in the guy talk in the office for obvious reasons, but if I ever suggest that they should maybe listen to what their wives say instead of dismissing it as nagging, I'm told I have a typical selfish woman attitude - only thinking of our own needs and what we are not getting. The divorced ones moan that in general women instigate divorce proceedings in the majority of cases, without realising that by dismissing their wives needs they are not exactly offering them much to stay for (I know this isn't all men but it's common chat in my office).I seriously used to really respect men and the differences between the genders, and actually thought that was part of the fun. However I'm not sure what's happened in the last 5 years but all the fun seems to have gone. Although objectively I can see examples of good relationships, I'm starting to think all the relationship orientated men have been snapped up. These thoughts are new and unwelcome though, and I know they will eventually damage my chances of starting a healthy relationship if I do meet someone nice. Can anyone advise me what to do please? I appreciate that I might get abuse for this post, and I can objectively see that there are good men out there, but this is how I feel based on my recent interactions with men.
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at work, confidence, divorce, married man, money, my ex, player, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): I second the idea of you changing your dating pool.
Take classes, go volunteering, join sports clubs, go to academic conferences like Ted talks etc. Ask your friends and family to set you up on blind dates. They'll sift out the riff raff.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): I really enjoyed reading your post! It was a lot of fun. The boyfriend sounds like my ex. Actually you described exactly what was happening on our dates.
Once it was our anniversary, 2 years. I walk in, he grabs me, kissing passionately, I coldnt even say happy anniversary. Then we have half an hour passionate sex, then he turns on TV and for the rest of the night we just sit there. He didn't even remembered it was our anniversary and the dinner we planned. After that i said goodby.
I had plenty of bad dates, plenty of bad boyfriends, only one day to stop it completely. I am older than you with grown up daughter, so I am not planning on having any more children.
I would love though to have a partner who I would love and share my life with.
After so many misfortunes with guys I don't date anymore. And I developed a certain indifference toward male population. They hit on me all the time, and try to chat me up. It doesn't excite me a bit, because I know what they want and how it will end. You are still very young, so your dating pool is much wider. At my age I struggle even to meet someone decent looking.
Sex for me happens here and there. And it's always exciting, but its usually younger guys who I can't date. I learn though how to live in a moment , lol, and I enjoy my encounters.
I never developed " hate" for guys. I rather find them weak and not as sofisticated as us women. I feel even sorry for them at times that they constantly have to live with this urge of looking for sex and approaching all kinds of women to get it.
For the past 2 years though I have met 2 men that I wanted to get to know better and may be, just may be, start relationship with. But.. there were circumstances that didn't allow me to do that.
I am still full of hope that may be one day I will meet someone, hope never dies.
These men you described sound very stupid to me to pay attention to. If you can laugh it off. They are not even smart enough to not disclose their intentions. I was just wondering, reading your post. does it ever work for them...these disclosures??? Did any woman ever liked what she heard about sex only and so on.??
I once had a guy telling me the same thing. I just looked at him and asked: just tell me if any woman ever just went with you to have sex after you told her your intentions? He said,plenty.
So, my thoughts are, may be this is why they act like a bunch of ignorant idiots because we women let then and go along with whatever they want???
May be if there were more women like you who are not going to put up with their BS, may be just may be a new more intelligent bread of men will develope?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): What you say is reasonable.But there's also a very real reason why celebrities like Emma Watson are now standing up for feminism. Everyday sexism is absolutely rife. And abuse of women reaches into every nook and cranny of the world.I cannot tell you how many times, as a strong, attractive, intelligent and caring single woman I have made friends with guys that I don't find attractive at all and just want to be friends with only to find out that they are either married and haven't told me and are quietly trying to worm their way into my affections so that I will look after them and/or that they actually hate their wives (when they've told me upfront they are married) and project a fantasy onto me that they are in love with me, making friendship impossible - when in fact they want the same thing, to run away to a fantasy woman who will be strong and look after them. When I've not returned their affections - politely, gently, kindly - everyone of them has turned nasty. And the few men that I have been very attracted to in my lifetime have either a. rejected me because I wasn't rich enough (yes, it's honestly true and they've all gone for Asian women with wealthy families instead) OR they have been the arty, sensitive type who cannot stand on their own two feet in a practical sense and have basically messed me about, even though I've at times been head over heels in love and would do anything for them.I wouldn't say I'm bitter and I don't think you are becoming so. I think what you're grappling with is the fact that you're an intelligent woman who likes to think things through and who wants a fair deal in a world where men are still misogynistic a great deal of the time. What you're intellectually on the edge of is the return of feminism, which is currently very hot in academia and the celebrity world, and which has been building steadily for the last eight years or so and will get bigger. So maybe you need to circulate where there are likely to be intelligent, sensitive men, who want to learn new stuff and are open minded - an evening class at your nearest university, or a short course, where you'll be around men who want to improve their intelligence and approach to life and equality.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 January 2015):
 Yikes, after your experience with your ex and those couple of guys you went on dates with AND your co-workers, I don't blame you for thinking the WHOLE MALE half of the population is filled with selfish, ignorant, misogynistic bastards.
BUT the reality is, these are just snippet of guys. JUST like not ALL women are looking for a "free" ride from a man financially. Or only thinking about shiny baubles. Or whatever else notions some men have about women.
Stereotypes DO prevail in many of us.
For now, I'd say TAKE a GREAT big break from even CONSIDERING dating. Sign up for some classes in something you always wanted to do, creative writing, cooking, pottery, archery, art - whatever - and just ENJOY your friends, your family and your hobby.
Who know you might actually met some decent people this way.
I think as far as dating though, you are ON the right track, you talk and they seem decent, so you go an a date and when they show what kind of guy they are (only looking for sex) then you walked. SMART girl.
IF you don't feel like taking the classes road, I would sincerely switch up whatever dating site you used, it's OBVIOUSLY filled with "fishermen" (guy who sign up to get laid, not to find a partner).
As for your co-workers, I think a LOT of this is what they consider "MAN-banter" - talking smack about your partner or wife makes them someone seem (they think) less pathetic for being married. I have seen it, and heard it before. And it never seizes to amaze me that a guy talking like THAT about his wife is married. My guess is, he doesn't REALLY mean it. He knows he is frigging LUCKY to have a good wife, but WOE the guy who says MY wife is awesome, because you know the minute that is uttered the next word said is "pussy-whipped". It's sad.
When my husband served in the Army the wives would met up to plan various events, fund raisers and so forth and you know what? I rarely heard a wife moan and bitch about her husband, ONLY him being gone too much, working too long hours.
You can't FIX all these losers you went on a date with (or your ex - good riddance to him) but don't PRESUME that ALL guys are like this. THERE are good guy out there. However, if they CALL themselves a "good guy" they most likely only a "good guys" in their heads.
So don't give up, just take a little break from it. If you have female friends ASK them where they met their partners (if they have a good relationship). And don't settle for a crap guy or a crappy relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): I'm so sorry you've been stuck with some really terrible dates. Not sure how I can really help, ignore assholes, "nice guys" are never a good idea and just keep doing what your doing really, if a guy proves to be a prick, move on. Perhaps see if any of your friends know any decent men?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): Your office sounds like it has a lot of negative people in it, even for a guy working there i imagine it would be draining. And with that ex-boyfriend i can see why you would be feeling like that. At least they have given you a pretty solid idea of what to avoid.
If it helps you still sound pretty reasonable to me. Just remember that these guys arent the whole gender.
There are guys that are looking for a relationship that has friendship in it as well. It seems to me that you value the right things and just need to keep looking.
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