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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My husband is onboard a cruise ship for two weeks on a "team building" work trip. Spouses were not encouraged to go but either way, I could not go as I have just started my own business and it would be an inopportune time for me to get away. We also have 3 children I take care of. The heart of my problem is resentment. I feel resentful of my husband for going away without me. And having fun without me. It bothers me. It also bothers me that he is in the place we originally planned to go for our honeymoon but never ended up going to. So, he is in my dream place. Without me. I feel resentment building and it's like I don't want to hear from him anymore. This is how I feel. There are so many activities on the ship and I know he is partaking with other people, females included. It is driving me round the bend picturing what he is up to. I realize it's work but if any of you have been on a cruise before, you will know that cruises are jam packed with lots of fun things to do. And he does have off time from work to do fun stuff. He has been vague in most of his communications/phone calls. He mentions a couple of activities but I still have no idea how he spends his days. He calls me from ports of calls and sends pics but I have no clue what he does on sea days. I hadn't heard from him all day yesterday (a sea day) and at 2 in the morning (3 p.m. his time) I receive text after text from him illustrating in great detail how horny he is and what he wants to do to me when he comes home. I thought he would tell me about his day etc but no!! I end up getting 9 TEXTS in a row from him, each one overtly sexual. So, I'm left thinking WHY is he so horny? Is he turned on by some woman on the ship or has had sex with some woman and that's why he is so sexual to me?? He always tells me he has no sex drive unless I'm around him. So, what gives here???It's agonizing. I'm here working and taking care of our kids. Being a GOOD GIRL. Waiting for him to come home. And he is living it up on a cruise!It bugs me so much. I am getting really angry at him and ready to blast him when he comes home. I want to know how to control this resentment before I say things out of anger. And I want to know if anyone understands why I am upset? wner
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 October 2018):
 Why would it not be OK for him to go dance?
Did you two get married or buried? He isn't dead! There are so many activities on these ships and you expect him to SIT on his hand because you are not there to partake in the fun?
There needs to be mutual trust and respect in a marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2018): You need to take a chill pill, why on earth would it not be okay for him to go to it?
What do you want him to do sit in his cabin every night having a shit night?
Grow up woman, you are looking to give him grief it's as simple as that!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): Hello. I'm the OP. Thank you for your answers everybody.
I spoke to my husband last night. The one thing that concerned me was he went to a 50's rock & roll themed dance night by himself. He likes to dance. His colleagues were tired and passed. Is it appropriate for a MARRIED man to go to a dance ALONE on a cruise ship? He said he danced in groups.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): Convert your resentment into planning and getting what you actually want for yourself.Instead of punishing your husband when he comes home, assert yourself in a positive and forward looking way: "Great that you went on the cruise and got some time to relax and re-boot, I could do with the same / similar. I've had a look at some holidays whilst you were away and this is where I'd like to go with you / the two of us / myself / with the kids, and this is the time that I'd like to do it. I've been really exhausted starting a new business and looking after three children. I know you will understand this and I won't have to explain that to you, but I need and want a reward for my hard work."It's possible you are feeling his absence much more keenly than normal because you have just started a new business - this involves a lot of psychological 'pushing' as well as practical logistics, and your frame of mind will be totally on this 'forging ahead' wavelength. Him not being with you and, instead, being in a mind-set and a context that is almost the total opposite of yours, means that you are inwardly clashing with him and this is why resentment is building up. It also does sound, though, as if he is not being particularly supportive of you in his communications - you say he's vague and then recently was very sexual; neither of these communication modes suggest he is being caring and supportive of you and your business and the kids whilst he is away. This could also be causing your resentment.You could cause a fight or you could choose to be more assertive when he gets back about getting the support you need in future and about getting your needs and desires met. If you are aggressive towards him; all that will happen is you will have a huge bust up, cause a rift, he will feel punished and start resenting you. My overall bet is that you yourself have not been sufficiently assertive about your needs either at this point in time or before now, and you may have to change your approach towards being more "selfish" in future about communicating your needs and wants and ensuring that you get them met.
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (3 October 2018):
I’ll try to be a bit more brief. I totally get the resentment. It’s actually more like jealousy. It’s not abnormal. You’ve got a couple pieces to this. First, he’s on a cruise while you’re home taking care of your children. That’s strikes you as unfair. Second, he’s in a place where you wanted to be. Third, you seem concerned that he may be cheating on you. Let’s tackle this one by one. He’s on a cruise—he accepted a company benefit to go on a cruise, it wasn’t really his idea. He didn’t initiate it. It’s a benefit he received working for his company. I don’t think we could be mad at him for that. If he wants to advance in the company, he needs to show he’s a team player. Kinda hard for him not to go. I give him the benefit of the doubt.Second, he’s in the ,location you wanted to be in for your honeymoon but never got there. The truth is he didn’t pick the location, the company did. I don’t think your husband had any say in that decision. It’s a coincidence. Would I be mad? Yea probably, at the irony of all that but I couldn’t be mad at the individual.Third, you’re concerned he’s cheating on you. I’m not married so I’m no expert, but I do know we either trust people or we don’t. I think you have to look at his past behavior to center your view here. Has he been a good husband? Has he been loyal? If his past is good, then he deserves the benefit of the doubt here. The not hearing from him on sea days can be explained by the fact he may be out of cell range and using the ship’s internet costs a fortune! Believe me I found that out the hard way lol. I have nothing to say about the content of his messages, that’s between you guys. If I were in your shoes, yes, I’d be mad too....but I couldn’t justify being mad at your husband, I’d be mad at the circumstances. Sometimes it’s nobodys fault. It’s a very cruel irony that you’re experiencing and I think we are tempted to want to project those feelings onto someone, we want a target to blame! In this case, your husband. I think you did the right thing by posting this question because it allows you to ask yourself if your feelings are justified. I’d say yes they are, but I would aim them away from your husband unless he gives you a reason to be mad at him. You said you were thinking of blasting him. Let’s go a step further and ask, blast him for what? Doing what he needs to do for his career? Would it make sense in this situation to blame him? I don’t think so. It may make more sense to blame the company for having policies that are not spouse friendly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): I can understand your jealousy for your husband getting a benefit you don't get to enjoy with him. That's the breaks sometimes.
I understand that you didn't get to go on your honeymoon cruise; and the very destination happens to be where you planned to go! That doesn't legitimize having resentment towards your husband, for accepting his reward for a job well-done; or for a brief getaway.
Perks are given to exceptional employees for outstanding achievement and for exceeding their goals. They are not always offered as a family-package.
Sending employees on retreats, sabbaticals, and exclusive company excursions are also for morale and stress-relief. The costs would sky-rocket including meals, liquor, accommodations, and entertainment for couples. Then the added liability for unforeseen mishaps, legal snags, or emergency medical-attention. Your husband is under a company group-policy. It won't cover you if you get food-poisoning, fall overboard, or get kidnapped by pirates!
The company isn't concerned about your opinion. It's their decision, it's a company matter, and the cost effects their bottom-line. His refusal would raise eyebrows. They also get to decide what kind of perks and what restrictions they want to place on them. You don't look a gift-horse in the mouth. You can't feel good about working your tail off, and then turning down everything that your plus-one doesn't get to share. Then he'd be the one writing the resentful post. Sometimes the trip isn't specifically designated as mandatory; but they expect you to consider it so.
Why should single-people get to enjoy all the company perks, trips, and benefits for their hard-work? If my wife or husband can't go, I won't go. Sorry, can't do that!
It was not a planned trip he booked for himself; it is work-related.
Your boss would look at you totally sideways if you didn't accept a very generous "offer you can't refuse;" and see you as ungrateful. They placed restrictions on the trip for a reason. It's centered on employee-morale, it's a work-incentive, and reward. Working for a major corporation I understand how it works. Big business isn't particularly concerned about matters that don't make them money, or promote business. You can't take your wife and family everywhere the company sends you. Not at their expense!
There have been many excursions and all expenses paid travel tours offered as perks by my company; but spouses or significant others were not included. We worked the whole time. You were welcome to pay extra yourself; if you wanted to bring someone. They'd be left alone most of the time.
They budget for employees only. Reasons being the added expense, extra liability, and people with kids would want to bring their kids. The company is rewarding the employee, not their families.
If he didn't take it, and kept refusing them; they'd mark him off the list. If there is work involved; his competition will have a leg-up on him. He'd have to play catch-up. Either you're a company man or woman, or you're not! So look at it from another perspective. Not just from a jealous one. You're an adult. Sometimes you get to play alone; you aren't conjoined at the hip.
His name would easily drop-off the list for major expansion endeavors and company pursuits leading to his promotion; and he will be over-looked as not being a team-player. The younger guys and gals with no ties or hindrances would reap all these kinds of benefits. You'd look old-folksy and non-competitive. Trust me about this!
Thus, he would have no incentive to work hard for extra recognition. Most of the time, they include business as a part of the deal. Group participation and meetings woven into almost every activity. It's for the work-group, and it's company-sponsored. With fun on the side. He's no doubt a senior-employee; so your honeymoon stage is long past. Even if you were married just recently. You're still a mature-couple. experienced about such things.
Salty air, sun, and good food makes one horny. He misses you, and you're being too resentful to care. Go ahead! See what it does for your marriage and your love-life being so fussy! I think you're grown enough to understand whats happening. If you like complaining and finding fault; then perhaps he needed this escape, and couldn't turn it down. Sorry you don't trust your husband.
Too bad you're not ambitious and spontaneous enough to grab a couple of girlfriends and go on your own little excursion. You're in the age-group when your kids should be teens or young-adults. There's nothing really holding you back! You're entitled to some me-time and adventures done on your own! You've got a lifetime together!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 October 2018):
The horny texts is because he misses you. I think he is WELL AWARE that YOU two should have had this cruise a long time ago and that might make him a little home sick and horny. Doesn't mean he is cheating. And sure, he COULD be looking at other women... but he isn't blind, he is married. Being married (as I BET you know as well) doesn't mean you no longer notice attractive people. It's whether you act on that or not that matter.
As for the resentment. I get it. If my husband had gone on some team-building to OUR planned honeymoon destination, I'd be a bit miffed as well. I think it's only natural not not feel great about being excluded.
However, I'm also guessing HE didn't pick a cruise for this team-building? That someone else made that choice and well, your HUSBAND really HAS no choice but to go. It's part networking and part team-building (and part trying to make the employees feel "spoiled" - which in turn can make them more productive.)
I have been on a couple of team-building retreats and they were ridiculous. One was a 3 day paintball "war game" (seriously) and the other was at a sports/spa facility and was so relaxing but not much got done...
Don't be MAD at him. That is honestly, unreasonable. What you SHOULD do instead is FIND a babysitter (if your parents/inlaws/family/friends) can take the kids for a day or two when he gets home so YOU two can just be together as a couple.
ACCEPT that HE didn't pick the destination and he really had no choice in going. And that HE should BE allowed to have fun without you (and vice verse) as long as you both can follow your wedding vows and respect each other.
Also, maybe this cruise can get him fired up for taking another one with you and the kids!
Chin up. Trust your husband. (unless he is untrustworthy).
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