A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am a 20 year old woman wondering whether to stay or leave my relationship of 2 years. My fiance is great--fun, loyal, smart, open, responsible, caring...he loves me very much and wants to see me grow alongside him in years to come. We are both homebodies and live like a married couple.Problems:(1)I am intensely stressed out in this new city (I moved here from our old college when he moved here for graduate school this fall).(2) He doesn't respect perceived weakness, and so scoffs at "hippies"/artists/sensitive types--the sort of people/things I'm interested in.I think I could get along in this city if I was with a man I completely respected, but this scoffing side of him is not attractive. He's powerfully logical and I admire this--nerves and emotion tend to get the best of me and he inspires me to calm down and think things through. However, I have a deep-rooted sense of sympathy and interest in people regardless of their weaknesses whereas he sees these people as a waste of time. I worry that I may not be happy with him in the long run if I constantly feel that I am the emotional wreck and he the hero, where my interests are trivial and his are better. I came from a pretty unstable childhood where art, literature and self-motivation were encouraged; his family life was stable and they pushed him to excel in traditional subjects. Add in the age difference, and you can see how I feel a bit like his student--and he openly thinks of it that way, too. I appreciate his love and concern, and I love him back. I just don't feel quite right with the way I'm neglecting my old interests, or how I feel like his inferior. I also despise the stress of the city and need to make a decision ASAP, either to leave or to understand and love him more deeply so as to make life together worthwhile. Any tips or stories of similar situations?
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female
reader, BreeBree +, writes (15 November 2007):
The questions to ask are:
1) will you be respect this man despite his differing opinion? Because you need to respect him for a happy marriage.
2) Realizing that you can not change him and trying to will only hurt your relationship, are you willing and wanting to spend the rest of your life with him how he is now and assuming some of his attitudes even increase in intensity?
It is a lot easier to get out of an engagement than a marriage. My suggestion is to extend your engagement or at least not set a date until you have gone through counseling or some pre-marital exercises (even if you do them at home).
The fact that you feel inferior to him is not good. It is horrible to feel like that and he may be doing it on purpose or an accident. Maybe he feels he is inferior to you? This really needs to be talked about and resolved.
GOOD LUCK with your decisions! It is a hard one, but if you should not be together it will safe you a lot of grief to leave him now in the long run.
A
female
reader, Star_07 + ♥, writes (14 November 2007):
 It sounds like he is a bit of a snob. i mean, there is always this hierarchy when it comes to academics where art is at the bottom and physics majors are at the top. That could be relatively easy to work through, its okay if you have differences of opinion. I think the most important issue here is how he makes you feel. He should love and respect you for who you are and not make you feel inferior to him. I think you should talk to him about this. Tell him how he makes you feel when he says this or that about you or the things you like. Do it when you are both in good moods, it will make it easier to talk and he wont become as defensive. If he takes into consideration how he makes you feel and makes an effort to change his ways, then Id say, stick with him. On the other hand, if you have talked to him and he still makes you feel bad, then he isnt worth your time and you should consider leaving.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (14 November 2007):
 It sounds like you have a compatibility problem with your guy. Kind of like the “Green Acres” couple. He’s the city guy, you’re the country girl. This is fine and amusing when you see it in a comedy, but does it really work in real life? That’s the question. SO you have to dig deeper and think about what you do have in common and what keeps you together. Leaving aside the sexual part, let’s talk about values. If you say you like the hippie lifestyle and point of view it sounds like you are a Liberal in your politics, and from the sound of it he appears to be more of a Conservative. Is this a deal breaker for you? Only you can answer that for yourself.
Personally for me politics should not get in the way of a good relationship. The real deal breakers have to do with children…DO you want any? Does he? How many? Another deal breaker is religion. Most Liberals are not deeply religious while Conservatives tend to be more God fearing and believe in family first. I’m not making a judgment on whether you are right or wrong in your beliefs, but these are the things you should be discussing with him. If he is scoffing at you it shows he is disrespectful of your beliefs if not you. Is that in itself enough to break with him? Perhaps so. No matter what you or he believe, you have to have a measure of respect with your partner, even if you think they are wrong.
So yes, I do think he is being a fool for scoffing at you. But that’s when you should challenge him. Ask him straight out to explain himself…why he disagrees with you. But be prepared to defend your position as well… Be prepared to agree to disagree if you must. Above all never take the debate to the bedroom! There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy debate, even in a good relationship.
As for your discomfort with the city lifestyle, that is a separate matter from your relationship with him. But there again you have to ask yourself….is this relationship worth living this way? One of you has to make the sacrifice and live in the others environment. Right now it’s you who has to make the sacrifice. Is he willing to go to an environment more to your liking in the future? There’s no right answer to these questions, but my best advice is that you try to stay together and work out your problems. I think its tragic when people breakup over nonsensical issues. If you love him and he loves you, work it out. Life is not easy, no relationship is always easy. Yes it does take work!
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