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I am not sure if I love him anymore but I honestly don't want us to break up

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 November 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 5 November 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

i am 19 years old and i have been in a relationship with my bf over 2 years now. out of that two years we have been in a long distance relationship for 3 months and still going. Since recently i have been thinking a lot if i truely love my bf and its constantly hurt me because in somewhat way i feel like i am being self fish towards him...i tell him how i truely feel about everything and he is still optimistic that we can get through this even if 99% of my love has faded for him. he still wants to try regardless of knowing how i truely feel... Its not like i don't love him but its just that the relationship gets normal and boring at times. I don't get those rush of emotions anymore when i talk to him and sometimes i do enjoy the sex but sometimes i don't its not like i dislike it its just that its boring at times (maybe because we usually do it so often i am not sure). i tell him everything, i tell him how i truely feel about everything and he is the kind of man that i want to spend the rest of my life with but am i being unfair for making him hang around and i am not sure of my feelings? am i hurting him because i want him to never leave me until i can make up my mind? i am not sure about my feelings but i never want us to break up...there is just a feeling there that don't want me to let go and i truely don't want too... so what should i do? is it normal to feel this way? can this relationship work even if i am miles away? i wish i was near him to know if i truely love him. i am desperate i want to know because he also want to know where he stands and i don't want to leave him because i kno i might end up regreating it. Even though he knows i don't love him like i use to he acts the same way and say he will help me to get through but every time he say that it makes me sad and it makes me wonder if i should let him go regardless of how i feel. When he says he loves me i don't feel the emotions boiling up anymore its just normal and when i say it i don't feel anything behind it...do i not love him anymore or do i still love him but just don't relize it? do you think the relationship can be worked out?

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A male reader, LovelessAct1 United States +, writes (5 November 2010):

Sounds all too familiar...scary familiar almost.

Anyways, just the fact that he is more than willing to stick with you, stay positive, and continuously love you even though he's not getting it back in return just shows what a catch he is. Most guys would walk out the door the second you said you didn't love them anymore. Put yourself in his shoes. Just think if you would do anything for someone because you cared for and loved them so much, and they would no longer return that same care, love, and willingness to work through things when the going gets tough. You'd feel pretty heart broken wouldn't you? Like even though you loved them the best you knew how, it just wasn't enough for them. Would you be able to stick with that person?

You'd be lucky to find another guy like that, who loves you so much that he'll give love even when he's getting none in return. You'd be surprised how many women tend to feel the same way as you at about the 18 month to 2 year mark (it has to do with chemicals that the brain produces after being with someone new stop being produced at around that time) If you feel that way about this relationship, you're going to feel it with every relationship. Sure, breaking up and getting a new guy may feel great and exciting for a while, but in two years you'll be in the exact same spot, and who knows if that guy will be willing to stick it out with you like this one.

I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything; I know lots of women who feel exactly the same way at about this time in their relationship (especially when its become distanced by college) and tend to start questioning their love once those feelings stop coming on a frequent basis. But let me tell you something; no relationship is easy.

Right now you need to get in touch with yourself. Honestly think about all the great times you've had and how much he has done for you before the distance started. If after seeing how great you always were together and how devoted he is you still don't feel the love, then maybe it is cruel to drag the poor guy along. I'm sure plenty of other girls would love to have the same attention, love, and devotion from a guy like that.

Or maybe try starting over (from the beginning) Stop having so much sex and talk to him about just making the relationship more like a friendship again. Try and go back to the days where you could have goofy conversations together and feel ten times closer than you could while having sex. Sometimes you need to look back to the beginning of the relationship and try and get in touch with what made it so great. If you want it, try and tell him you want those feelings back. If he is the guy you described, I bet he'll do whatever he can to start making the relationship feel more close and fun like it used to be. Its all about the attitude. He's positive about it, but if you don't join in and convince yourself it CAN get better, it might not.

Best of luck. Really think about how you work together and ask yourself if you're willing to give it up, or give it a second chance to become lively again.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden +, writes (5 November 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntYou do not want to let him go and he does not wish to let you go either. It is perfectly all right for you to stay with him and keep him with you until you know for sure that you do not love him because, from what you have written, even though you do not feel much for him like you used to, there is still something strong there which is why you know you would regret it if you left him.

Perhaps it is just the distance that is causing such faded feelings because you have not been able to see him. If you can wait until you two are able to see each other again, then do so and when you see him, make sure you spend time actually doing things a couple would do, then you should feel sure about your feelings for him.

I hope that helps.

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