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I am much less experienced sexually and it bothers me.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 July 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 9 July 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am a lot less experienced sexually than my girlfriend. She has had atleast 13 past sexual partners aswell as a long term boyfriend. Unfortunately her efforts to try and be open and honest about her sexual past (which I respect her for) led to me knowing way too much detail about it. I personally have never had another girlfriend or any kind of sexual encounter with another person. Obvisouly I don't look down on my gf for her sexual history or think she has anything to be ashamed of and I'd never treat her as such. But knowing so much detail about her past does make it hard for me to get out of my head, it leaves me comparing myself to those other people and wondering if they were better than me. And it makes me feel like I'm somehow worth less? Like I'm only a small part of her experience whereas she is all my experience. I feel I am insecure as I'm not only jealous of the people she's slept with and feel like they might be better than me, I'm also jealous as I feel like I've missed out on sleeping around and exploring a bit. I don't like how she has so much more sexual experience than me. I feel like I couldn't settle down with her as I don't want to spend my entire life with just one woman, I don't know what other women are like. But then again if I break up with her what if I realise that ons mean nothing and I want to be with her? If I had atleast slept with one other girl I feel it'd be a lot easier to not only accept her past and feel less jealous as I'd have some perspective but would also mean I wouldn't feel like I'm missing out. I talk to my mates and they all talk about the people they've slept with and my gf says how she needed to get it out of her system and that she went crazy for a bit. Now I feel like I've missed out and I'm somehow innocent. I wish I could go back in time and sleep around and explore a bit before I met her so I could firstly understand and have perspwctive on her past and what casual sex means compared to with a close partner. And also so I don't feel like I've missed out or that I'm some kinda innocent person. I almost feel below my gf as I haven't slept with anyone else and she has. Should I break up with her and go explore and sleep around? It may solve my insecurities and help me mature but what if I realise I want to be with her? I don't know if I truly do or not as I have no perspective on how good or bad our relationship may be!

View related questions: her ex, her past, insecure, jealous, my ex, sexual past

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A male reader, Capri2 Argentina +, writes (9 July 2017):

The number of guys she's slept with seems to be pretty high. Since you don't have any experience I'd say that certainly most of those guys were better in bed. Since experience is key for that. But that doesn't mean you are less that them.

Should I break up with her and go explore and sleep around?

You should first explore with her (a couple of months) and earn some sexual experience. Then end up this relationship as you will never be able to overcome the fact that she has had so much more sex than you. Trust me, I've been there twelve years ago.

It may solve my insecurities and help me mature but what if I realise I want to be with her?

It will help you mature. And it's possible you realize you want to be with her. Well, in such a case you go back to her. She should accept you just as she wants you to accept her even though she's had sex with a lot of other guys. Unless she's with someone else.

I don't know if I truly do or not as I have no perspective on how good or bad our relationship may be!

You don't know what's gonna happen. You can't count on that. You need to think about what you know. And it is that you will feel like this forever if you stay with her. You will feel you are an eternal virgin.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2017):

I say don't think about it,just enjoy it while it lasts and learn from her.

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A male reader, BiggMikey United States +, writes (6 July 2017):

I fully understand where you're coming from,...but you're really young man! Relax! Firstly, it's never a good idea to share your past sexual experience with your partner; and you obviously know why this is. It has messed with your head badly...Your girl should never had done that. Personally if a girlfriend had done that to me, I would have felt she was playing with me. Not a good thing. She may also be bragging as well: again not good.

BUT, on the positive side, look at it this way: this very experienced girl has picked you over all those other guys, so damn dude you must be one hell of a lover. Unless of course you suspect she's being mean in any way, like playing with you, but in your description that doesn't seem to be the case.

I personally was late getting into the sex thing at 20 yrs old and made up for lost time later on, so I feel your pain. You feel as though you were cheated somehow, but you're very young and have lots and lots of time to catch up. So just take it easy on yourself, give her the benefit of the doubt, and take life one day at a time. it'll work out, I promise.

Lastly, don't make any "rash" decisions. If you dump her to go sow your oats, you could end up with a much worse situation. So, wait and see. This relationship may fade on it's own, or you may realize one day that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You just don't know.

ONE DAY AT A TIME MAN!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2017):

I think I can give you some perspective on this, and hopefully it helps some.

It doesn't matter if you stay with her or not, and it doesn't matter if you sleep with 300 people before you decide to settle down with "the one." The reason it doesn't matter is that it will always, always be something that kind of bothers you unless you settle down with someone who has much less sexual experience than you and then guess what? That person will be bothered by your sexual past. The point is, this is a no-win problem and one you can't do anything about, so you have to let it go.

I know these things from experience. I had a long term relationship with a woman who was way more experienced than me and it bothered me like it did you, I ended up breaking up with her just because I thought I couldn't handle it. The next relationship, I had more experience and the roll was reversed, and she couldn't handle it so we went our separate ways. In the end, it doesn't matter, it only matters who you're with and if that's the right relationship for you to be in. If she loves you, she'll have no interest in another man ever, and vice versa. I think the fact that she was honest with you is HUGE for her credibility, it means she's not willing to lie to you, even if it might not be want you want to hear. She's probably a keeper. Stop thinking or comparing yourself to unknown others and start being the man she obviously cares for. And hey, let her experience help to make the two of you have the best experience ever.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (6 July 2017):

judgedick agony auntQuilty is better than quintain, I hope for you that you can find a way to deal with her story, she must think a lot of you to let you into her past, while I respect her for why she told you I disagree with anyone that brings their history into a new relationship, it is a bit like when a royal wedding is going ahead and the girl has to show she is a virgin but the prince can be a male slut for the want of a better word,

If she has no regrets about her past good for her if she has well we all make mistakes somewhere along in life, I CAN SEE THAT YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU DON4T HAVE AS MANY experiences as she has, I used to be like you in a way, one side of me felt like this for many different reasons, one not knowing what tt was like to sleep with others which on the other hand was a good thing because I have only ever been with the best lover, as well i had to take a risk that everything was going to work out, as my girl while she had other experience not much but more than I, I used to ask her why and I was told it was because she did not want to mess up what we had and she knows I was straight-laced, I have enjoyed changing WE ALL CHANGE give her the chance for changing and you will find she will reward you forever,

If you have more reasons to love this girl don't let this get in the way, I look up to the men that fall in love with a girl and find out she was a stripper or an escort or even a porn star but their love for her is so strong and they are strong in themselves as long as the girl put it in her past it does not block the love for each other, (if that makes sense )

Two things that I am saying one is a bit like he who is without sin can through the first stone, the other is that I read between the lines so I might be wrong but it is more about your lack of self-esteem than about her history, I am sorry if anything I say hurts you, but make the most out of what you have with this girl and if it comes to ever breaking up and you get a new girl if she or any of the other girls you are ever with want to tell you about past lovers tell them you are happy in building a further with them not a past or their past

sorry for the long post .but i feel it is important for anyone reading this that make the same mistake.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2017):

Is your GF the same age as you? 13 sexual partners PLUS a boyfriend already???

If I were you, I would be uneasy too.

Not just about her experience level but about her ability to enjoy sex so much she seems to go through men like Kleenex. When is she going to tire of you too?

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 July 2017):

olderthandirt agony auntDon't fret over this it is a good thing! Ask her to teach you.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 July 2017):

olderthandirt agony auntTell her you have no experience and would love to learn the ways to pleasure a woman then hold on to your hat she may take you to places you've never dreamed of. Good luck

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (6 July 2017):

janniepeg agony auntIt's easier for a woman to find sexual partners than the other way round. That said, it's easier to find experienced people than to find a virgin. Right now, it is too early to settle down with one woman. I am not saying a long term relationship can't happen with your girlfriend but the chances are unlikely. It's too early to break up with her as you are thinking ahead of yourself. What if you break up with her and find that it's hard to find a sexual partner? So many questions with too many possibilities to give you a certain answer.

You are certainly a person who thinks a lot but the decision to enter a relationship isn't a light one. If your girlfriend didn't have sexual partners you would think differently. So there are many variables but still even if she doesn't, you would still have curiosities about other people. I would say young people usually don't want to settle down yet because of the obvious reason that you are having right now. They would say yes to a relationship if it's offered to them but many deep inside would wonder about other people too. My answer would lead more towards explore but with the realistic expectation that girls have it more easy than guys when it comes to casual sex.

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