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I am miserable in my marriage and in love with a married man

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 September 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 7 October 2015)
A female New Zealand age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone! I’m confronted with a situation I cant’ handle any longer, so please give me your advice. I’m married for 15 years, childless. We used to have a good relationship until the daily problems, mainly the financial ones, haven driven my husband to start drinking heavily. I do drink myself but I never lose control, I don’t get drunk or act in any terrible way. Anyhow I started becoming unhappy, I don’t feel much love for him any longer. He’s hurt me a lot during the last few years (not physically, only verbally), so I realized one day that, no matter how hard I try, I am no longer able to get over it.

I can’t leave/divorce him now because of financial issues.

He is unaware of my feelings and probably blames my behaviour on stress, we also don’t have sex any more.

This August I met a guy, he is married and has a son. We are hiking and his hiking mates joined us, so we formed a larger group. He was nice, asking if I’m ok and so on, concerned about a friend’s little son who was joining me that day. He helped me with the boy and I thought he is being nice because he too had a child.

One week later we took another tour and when I saw him I was literally struck and so was he. I couldn’t get my eyes off him, I realized that he hadn’t been only nice the last time, in a word, there is an unbearable sexual tension between us, we were just staring at each other unable to say anything.

During the first camping night we sat and talked a lot and I realized he is what I might call my exact double, a male “me”, we share a lot of experiences, not to speak of the chemistry. He did everything he could to touch my arm or shoulder, to help me with everything I was doing, to be with me all the time. Amd, for the first time in my life, I felt like ripping a guy’s clothes off…

Nothing happened, not even a kiss. I’ve never been unfaithful and I’m sure my husband hasn’t been either. But now I’m completely mad. I can’t sleep, I cant’t eat, I can’t work, I only can think of him all the time. I’m so madly in love I’ve never been in my life.

And the worst part is that I realize it was at the beginning purely sexual attraction and everything I dream about now is impossible and that I only dream about him because I’m unhappy in my marriage and lonely.

I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know when I’ll be seeing him again and this is killing me. I feel guilty for what I feel but I’m so incredibly happy now and in love and it seems to be the best thing that ever happened in my miserable life.

Any advice? I really feel I’m going crazy…

View related questions: drunk, married man, my ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2015):

Hi there, I'm OP

Tottochan, thank you very much for your answer!

I have to tell you I don't have an alcohol problem, only he does. As I said, I do drink once in a while, but not on a regular basis. So please do not imagine I join him every evening he drinks. This is a misunderstanding I really wanted to clear, perhaps I didn't make myself clear in the first place.

As I said in my second post, I really felt you got my point and understood what my problem was about... So please forgive me if I bother you by telling you in a few words what happened after my original post.

On one evening out, me and my husband accidentally met the rest of the hiking group. Suddenly, the guy I was telling you about invited us all to his holiday house the next day. We all went there and his behaviour was exactly the one I described in my first post: he stood by my side all the time, brought me food and drinks and a jacket, we talked a lot and laughed and had a great time together. And yes, he is bright and funny and caring and incredibly sexy... Of course nothing involving physical contact happened between us, except for the fact that he constantly tried to touch my arm or shoulder.

The good part about this is that my husband, who is by far the least jealous man I know, noticed this. We had a long, serious but very calm talk on our way back home. He told me, for the first time in our marriage, that he feels extremely threatened by this guy's presence, that he sees that this guy is in love with me or at least very attracted to me and that he feels I might like him too. I admitted the fact that I enjoy spending time with him and I tried to make my husband understand why this is happening: because we somehow drifted apart, because he drinks too much, because I don't feel loved any longer... And I told him that, no matter what he thinks or believes, I'm not gonna give up this group because it's the only situation in which I feel happy.

Long story short, something changed in my husband's behaviour since that day. I can see him really trying to be nice to me, he makes jokes, he is trying hard to be as caring and gentle as he used to be when we were still in love with each other. And he has cut down his drinks, so he had entire evenings when he was completely sober.

I didn't tell him anything about his change because I don't want him to feel embarassed. But I am happy he realized he was making some huge mistakes.

I still don't know about the other guy... Because it's been two months already and I still think of him all the time. And I know there's somebody out there who is also thinking of me...

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A female reader, Tottochan India +, writes (2 October 2015):

Hi,

(So sorry for the late reply) I hope both of you seek marriage counselling for repairing the marriage, and for the alcohol-related issues. The counsellor will definitely have avenues/contacts for your husband to get rid of his alcohol-dependence.

It's really great that you spoke to your best friend - I am sure she will have sound advice to give you.

I feel like the main root of all the issues seems to be alcohol. You both really have to get rid of this from your lives. You will see how magically your lives will change after this.

Rather than your husband spending his evening with a drink in his hand, why don't you force him to go out, and both of you play some games or a sport? Cycling would be a lot of fun - even simply walking or jogging. Or just play with a frisbee. It'll help spend energy, which also, strangely enough, boosts energy levels! Plus, the 'high' one gets while playing some sport can be a better substitute for the high/buzz (which is actually a dullness) one gets while drinking.

You both deserve to be happy. And you both should work towards that. Wishing you the very best!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2015):

Thank you all so much for your answers!

@Tottochan& @ Anonymous123: both your answers brought tears to my eyes because I really felt you got my point.

Yesterday I found out that he is separated form his wife and that they are not longer living together, a fact which does not change much in my point of view.

I don't want to ruin anybody's marriage - it seems to be already ruined - I don't want to cheat, in fact it's not even about this guy but about me and my lack of ability to deal with my feelings! And yes, I clutch on to a straw, that's right...

In the mean time, after this message, I talked to my best friend. I feel somehow relieved now that she knows everything....

Regarding my husband's alcohol problem... yes, it's addiction, his family has a history of alcohol abuse. He is ok when sober, but he drinks every evening, more or less, amd when he gets drunk he is impossible to deal with. Otherwise he is ok, a good husband, does not cheat, helps with household work, trustworthy. We've talked several times about his drinking problem, but, as any alcoholic, he does not admit he has a problem, doesn't want counseling or treatment or anything. This problem is probably the reason

I got tired of this relationship in the first place...

I feel no longer attracted to him, respected, loved, although he is ok when he doesn't drink. But I always have him drunk and angry in front of my eyes.

I'll try to calm down, in fact I'm somehow better now. I'll try to focus on my work and stop thinking all the time about that guy and just let time pass, maybe it's gonna be better. And just let things come the way they are meant to be...

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A female reader, watermelonlemons Canada +, writes (17 September 2015):

He is married. Back off. How would you feel if you were marries to this dream man and another woman (like you) tried to make things work with him. It's just a fantasy. Don't make his family suffer for your unhappiness. Figure things out with your husband. Money will come and go in life.

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A male reader, timxyz South Africa +, writes (17 September 2015):

If you are unhappy in your marriage find a lover.Consider only single men. And stay away from married men.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (16 September 2015):

Garbo agony auntWhat you see in that married guy is what you want to see in your husband but you are not. Instead of working on your marriage, you are working on wrecking in by getting baited into infidelity. Once you cross the red line and have sex with that married man, after few years you will either get caught or he will dump you for some other woman. In either case, you will be left out with no man.

Your situation is for many of us uncles here typical and the answer is the same: married men who cheat are not the men that any woman should be with because he is a cheater. And the answer to your case is the same. Here is what you should do:

1) go no contact with the married guy. Find another hiking group and take him out if your life cold turkey.

2) stop drinking period, then go your husband and tell him that he needs to do the same as a token gesture of commitment to repairing the marriage

3) get into couples therapy which can include your church as well. Get the therapist to mediate your marital issues until you solve them.

4) get a financial counselor so you can get advice on how to get out of your financial misery.

By the time your marital and financial counseling ends you will both hopefully learn to live sober. Drinking in any amount makes people crazy but any excessive amount ruins them. Be sure you both work on your alcohol weakness.

As for you, be sure you go no contact with that cheater. You got to be strong in face of infidelity and the quickest way is to deny the temptation at this point of inception.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (16 September 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI read your post carefully and then I went to the part again where you described the man. Two things here OP.

1.) He's married

2.) He has a child

By virtue of these these two qualities themselves, he is off limits and there is really nothing you can do about it. You might love him, you might be trapped in a most unhappy marriage, this might be the worst situation ever and you might be the victim...but...he's married and its game over then and there.

I felt bad for you when I read your post OP. Your pain is palpable. Your frustration, desperation, helplessness...everything comes across. But tell me, rationally, what can you really do? If he were single then there might have even been a shot but there isnt.

I think you need to take control of your life and take some very hard decisions. Your marriage cannot continue like this. Either work on it, seek counseling, or just leave, no matter how hard the financial problems. You cant possibly stay and make yourself this unhappy, day in and day out. Life has give you lemons, time to make some lemonade. You cant keep blaming your finances to stay on in the marriage, you're a big girl, you need to take charge.

As regards the married man, at least you realize that your dreams regarding him are impossible to fulfill; but what you *can* do is to at least make your own life a happy one, even if its without him. OP many times when we are desperate, we clutch on to straws to save ourselves from drowning. I think that is what your married man represents. You are so helpless and desperate that this man looks like your savior and seems perfect to you in every way when maybe in reality he may not even be all the things which you think he is. You dont even know him that well. You're just thinking of him in a certain way because your own relationship is so colorless.

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A female reader, Tottochan India +, writes (16 September 2015):

Namaskar,

It is very perceptive of you to realise that you are feeling this attraction to this man because of the unhappiness in your marital relationship.

Your husband drinks a lot - is it an addiction, or is it not that bad, but he can't hold his drink?

If it is the former, then you have the utmost responsibility of seeing that he receives help for his condition - talk to a doctor or his other family members for steps on what to do further.

If it is the latter, then that is great. There is a TON that you can do to make your living situation better without having to leave your husband.

First things first, you have mentioned that he verbally abuses you when he is drunk. This has got to stop. If he is a wonderful person when sober, that is the time to sit him down and talk to him about his behaviour.

Tell him that he has hurt you deeply, and that that is affecting you in so many other ways, which is why you're emotionally and physically feeling disconnected from him.

If he is the man that you chose to marry, then he will at least feel bad for what he has put you through, and perhaps have some complaints of his own as well. At that time you should lend a patient ear and try to understand where he's coming from, as well.

If he is willing, then you ought to visit a marriage counsellor. Also, on the side, you and he should make plans of spending time together - even playing together is a wonderful idea, and can release a lot of the pent up emotions the two of you have.

If he is not willing to work on it, then you have to take a call on what type of person you want to be, and would want to be with. Talk to your family members and close friends too, but in the end, the decision is up to you.

Finally, regarding the other person you met while hiking. Personally, I think that this is just a one-off thing, and that you cannot possibly know that he and you are that alike, so soon into knowing each other. As you very rightly felt, this is most probably a result of the unhappiness in your marriage, so I would suggest to you - simply leave this be.

Concentrate on your marriage, and you will see that love is much more than merely a giddy feeling, or butterflies in the stomach. Love is like the currents deep in the ocean - not visible in the surface, but they are responsible for the entire eco-system.

Wishing you all the very best.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (16 September 2015):

Ivyblue agony auntmarried and has a son- stay away thats my advice. well it's the advice that i would give to any woman thinking about hooking up with my husband and I'd only say it once if you get my drift

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