A
male
age
41-50,
*ecretdesire
writes:Hello,I am a 40 yr old married man from India. I had an arranged marriage which is a norm in India. Few years ago I was abroad for 3 years where I met this single Indian woman who was working in the same organization as me. We became good friends, interacted by emails, chatted over cups of coffee etc. She was unaware of my marital status and indirectly asked/proposed my about my marriage plans. When I disclosed, she was surprised and kind of blushed. Anyhow, our friendship continued and we discovered we share a brilliant chemistry and respect and trust for each other. Slowly my feelings of friendship turned into a respectful love for her. I met her once before relocating to India and parted with a goodbye hug. I kept in touch with her by emails regularly. As the luck would have it, I need to go the same office again for a short term (6 months) and I would be going alone this time. Needless to mention, I would be meeting her again. She is also looking forward to my visit. Though I love her deeply, I know I cannot become her life partner. But I want to express my feelings to her and tell her I love her from my heart. But I also apprehend what could be the consequences of this, I mean how she might react to this? Meaning she might get kind of angry, confused, or decide putting an end to our friendship? I want to be as polite and decent to her as I have been with her till now. But I want to tell her I love her. Pls suggest what should I do. I am in a dilemma.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): A lifelong friendship based on love, trust and respect belongs to your wife!
If you want to stay in this arranged marriage, go ahead. But stop chasing this other woman!
It does not matter whether she likes you or loves you.... and really you have no business finding out what she feels for you in the first place! You are not ready or willing or able to commit to her.
Most women want to be number one. And so they should be.
You are behaving in an incredibly selfish way.
There is no point in carrying on any friendship with a member of the opposite sex, especially with a woman whom you say you love when you are planning to stay with your wife.
Pointless!
THINK ABOUT IT!
A
male
reader, secretdesire +, writes (7 November 2014):
secretdesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Honeypie and Anonymous123,
Thanks for your replies. Going by the response of the other woman, when she knows I am committed - I am unable to figure out if she is just friends with me or deep down she loves me too. This is also equally confusing for me. We've met and chatted numerous times after I disclosed my marital status. In my last meeting, her body language was very much towards me, as we took a last stroll she walked very close to me and gently nudged, patted me. She is eagerly looking forward to meet me know. I dont want to toy with her emotions at all but at the same time want to know what her emotions really are.
All I want is a life long friendship based on love, trust and respect. Am I still unjustified?
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A
male
reader, secretdesire +, writes (6 November 2014):
secretdesire is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Eric Troy,Thanks a lot for answering me. Indeed, having a person who one mutually holds in such high esteem makes life 'rich'. Additionally, it also gives a lot of 'emotional energy', and I have already felt all this. And it is because of this 'energy' I want to confess how much I love her. So dropping this contact is the last thing I want to do. Pls suggest ways to make this relationship fruitful and energetic for all of us involved. I will be more than happy to help her find someone who loves her as much as me, if not more. But I want her to trust that my love for her is right from the depth of my heart and not superficial. I am not sure if she loves me too, or for her it is just a friendship as I am married. I would eagerly look forward to hearing from you as I feel a connect with you, seems like you've understood me in the right perspective.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2014): Life is too short to be trapped in an unfulfilling arranged marriage. It is sad and shameful that so many people remain trapped while they may find their true soul mate, the person who awakens every part of them and then out of obligation let them go and continue with a sham of a marriage. Very sad indeed. Connections like that do not come along often.Even if you are able to move on from this new love, how long will it be until you find another? Then another?You are only fooling yourself by selling out to this charade of a marriage for the rest of your life. And fooling your wife...Yes, breaking free will be painful and your life will be upside down.... SO MANY people are afraid to bail on a marriage cause of the fall out, the turmoil, what the family will think, etc. It is easier to live in comfort, safety. But at the end of the day, you will never be happy. In time, things will change.... once you make that move and go through the storm... there is a rainbow on the other side. And once the dust settles, you are free to find TRUE HAPPINESS.I was there. I left my husband because he was just MY FRIEND. And I fell in love with someone else. It was the best thing I ever did. But it takes courage to make this decision. You are going to have to see it through. Because no amount of advice or what if's or what should I do's on this forum or what is going on in your own mind is going to change anything. ACTIONS change things. Decisions change things. Find your courage to do what you feel you need to do. Sadly there is no in between. I feel for you because it is a very difficult predicament to be in.Happiness is what we all want and deserve.Be brave. Do what your HEART is telling you. Who do you think about when you are all alone? Who do you long for? Who do you miss? Who do you want to be with?You do not want to settle and you do not want to look back on your life with regrets.Can you live your life WITHOUT this new woman you say you love? Would it be too painful for you to let her go? Could you even let her go? Think about this. The answers will guide you.Hope I have helped.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 November 2014):
 I understand that you have an arranged marriage but can you really stay in this marriage for the rest of your life with someone you do not love? Are there children involved? What is your equation with your wife right now?
OP its sad that people are forced to stay in loveless marriages and relationships because of societal pressures. Its sad that you cannot choose your happiness and its extremely sad that you have to be apologetic about your choices.
You have two options OP. The first one is messy but may just be the right thing to do. Leave your wife, *not* for the other woman but for yourself because YOU need to be happy OP. I know it sounds utterly selfish when I say this but you have your entire life in front of you and can you really spend it it someone you don't even vibe with? Yes, its not your wife's fault and she is in no way to be blamed but what can you do without it now?
The other option is that you cut yourself away from the other woman, accept that your fate has been decided and sealed and just learn to live with it. Not something I would have ever done but then its not my choice, its yours. You're not allowing the other woman to move on if you continue holding on to her. Let her go, don't say anything which you know you cant fulfill and don't lead her on. Go back to your wife and try and work on your marriage.
Its not an enviable position to be in OP. All the best to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 November 2014):
 I'm sorry you are married and have NOTHING to offer, so why are you toying with this woman's emotions?
Instead of being so FOCUSSED on YOUR feelings maybe have a care about hers? AND your wife's? It's NOt your wife's fault that you and her CHOSE an arranged marriage. Honestly, HOW would you feel if your wife was doing what YOU are doing? Having and emotional affair?
My advice, don't tell her and slowly drop the contact because you are HOLDING this woman back from meeting someone who CAN be for her. You can NOT be her friend and have all these grand emotions for her. And you can't BACK up your emotions with actions. All you can do is declare that you have a crush and then what? NOTHING.
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