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I am lonely and need words of kindness.... Advice for making friends and dating??

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2012) 8 Answers - (Newest, 23 January 2012)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi Aunts,

I'm just feeling a bit low and need some words of kindness. Where do you suggest I go? I don't feel like going to a place of worship and I have no friends who would ever help me. They'd only get me to help them. I'm nearing 30 and have always been single. Every time I like a woman, I get to know she's already seeing someone. I don't know why they play me on and flirt with me initially. I just feel cheated later. I must be doing something wrong.

My Parents are worried that I am not married and my Mother is pressurizing me to get married. I've heard of girls facing this kind of pressure but for a guy to face it, it's funny but in reality very sad for me.

In trying to be happy, I've tried to let go and enjoy. But what happens is that someone else enjoys at my cost. I never feel enjoyment. I really don't know how to enjoy. Infact, if I feel like I am enjoying, I immediately cut back and recoil and stop enjoying. My family faced hardships when I was young until I started working and earning, so I never enjoyed in my life. When I see people going on picnics, spending money on alcohol, smoking, talking about race cars, fancy stuff, I feel lost amongst them. I cannot comprehend how that is enjoyment to them.

Maybe for these reasons, I am not attractive to women? I don't know. I'm just thinking. I know I'm wrong in saying that. I'm not unattractive, certainly not.

I think I've grown too old to make any true friends. And I am too dull for people to like me.

Thanks for reading.

View related questions: flirt, money

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (23 January 2012):

TELLULAH agony auntWell done you, sounds like you are about to start a new begining, all the best to you XXX

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear Agony Aunts,

Thank you so much for your kind words and wonderful heartfelt suggestions. I will remember these whenever I feel low and snap out of it.

Code Warrior, thank you very much for pointing me to your article on confidence. I see that all of it is very true and I have experienced those points in the past 4 years which were very tough for me.

Anonymous male reader, you are right. I will think of and desire nice beautiful things from now on.

Advice Man, thank you for your kindness in relating to my feelings. You are right, happiness comes only from within us, and we should take good care or ourselves, for without that, how can happiness be ours at all?

Jake Chaucer, thanks to you also for your advice. I will make it a point to step out and meet people every weekend. I will talk to them and smile and stay active.

Mariab, thanks for the hugs ^_^ I will definitely strive to make new friends starting now! Infact, I met a few people outside of office today and though it was work related, I did enjoy meeting new people. I will keep this up.

Tellulah, sorry if I sounded depressing.. I was a bit sad when I wrote my question. I still do get sad sometimes, but I am learning to accept my situation and work on it to improve it. I promise you I'll be no bland cookie no more :)

Spunky Monkey, thanks a lot for stopping by to say hi.. My hi to you too :) Bless all you kind hearts :)

Thanks again for everything.

Warm Regards,

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (12 January 2012):

Code Warrior agony auntYour problem is simple: You lack confidence. You need to understand that you have the power to change your life for the better. The problem is that you don't believe it.

You are wallowing in self pity. That has to stop. Self pity is truly a destructive thing. It leads to a vicious cycle of self destruction because you are always looking for sympathy from others. When you get the sympathy, you get a temporary boost, but it doesn't last, so you have to up the ante with even more self pity to get more sympathy. The problem is, people get tired of giving you sympathy and they start avoiding you. When people start avoiding you it confirms your negative self image and you have to look for fresh sources of sympathy. This cycle will repeat over and over as long as YOU allow it to persist.

So, how do you correct this behavior? First, you need to acknowledge that you tell your sob stories for the sole purpose of getting sympathy. Second, you need to realize that this need for sympathy is self destructive and you must acknowledge that you are the only one who can change it. Third, you need to realize that change does not happen without effort and it takes a long time. Lastly, you take the first step toward making the changes, and then the next, and the next, and so on....

So, what changes do you need to make? Well, that is entirely up to you. However, I can offer you some ideas on how to figure it out. Just go to my column and you will see a link to an article I wrote on what confidence is and how to get it. Making changes is never easy, so don't expect miracles to happen overnight. Also, expect to have relapses of your old self, the key is to pick youself back up and start moving forward after a relapse without beating yourself up over it.

Remember the line from Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back:

"Do or Do not, there is no try."

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012):

I can relate! We've all felt like that at sometime and I get that. But the things that happen in your life are your fault. I know you don't want to hear that and it might sound mean but its true. Until you can realise this you'll always be unhappy my friend.

As for enjoyment, to all his own but you need to start making plans. Get a piece of paper and write down things that you'd like to do, plan for it and do them, just the planning can get you excited.

Have you ever heard of the law of attraction? Its the belief that you attract into your life whatever it is you think about most. So if you keep thinking you won't find enjoyment guess what? Its going to keep coming at you. But if you start believe you will find enjoyment in life you be laughing and talking about cars and cats in no time.

All the best friend, good luck.

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A male reader, Advice_man United States +, writes (11 January 2012):

Advice_man agony auntHello friend! Sometimes I feel, like you, that I am an alien in this world. I also find myself often wondering why I don't find fun and amusing what other, "normal" people do. I just don't see their point of few towards life. But that doesn’t mean that they are right or that they are wrong. Maybe people like us seek for something more meaningful than go and buy alcohol and get drank, or talk about car racing all the time, or constantly think of how to get women. But I've learn one thing: You can only find true happiness within! In yourself! People, women, friends will often disappoint you but if you take good care of yourself you will find yourself stronger and wiser. I would suggest to focus on YOU. Get a hobby, start exercising, take long walks in nature listening to your favourite music, learn music, learn how to play the guitar for example, read a good book, go to church on Sunday morning and say a prayer...and a lot more. Life is out there but is up to you to discover and explore it. Don't waste your time waiting for some girl or some friend to come along. If nobody cares do it yourself. And marriage is not everything. It is a great thing under the right circumstances and with the right partner, otherwise is a nightmare. Like I said, focus on yourself, work on a self-improvement project for the next years and ignore the world around you. I guarantee you will feel so much better. Best wishes!!

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A male reader, JakeChaucer United States +, writes (11 January 2012):

never to old to make friends, be outgoing, ask for advice, go places, meet people face to face not online. Do the oppistie of what you normally do

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A female reader, Mariab United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2012):

Mariab agony auntSorry but you are talking from the point of view of an 80+ year old!! How can you be 30 and say "you are too old to make friends"? Life over at 30?

Here's the thing. Life is tough - FOR EVERYONE... not just you. You have to really get out of this rut of feeling sorry for yourself! Go out there... join some clubs.. gym, tennis, running whatever... go watch games... keep busy and just be open to the idea that not all people are out to hurt you or use you. You may be surprised that when many people get down to the nitty gritty...they have led pretty tough lives too! Humble beginnings are more common than you think and should not be a reason to "end your life" at 30! I wish you all the luck! You have the potential to be anyone and anything but don't throw it away on self-pity and self-loathing! Big hugs xxxx

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2012):

TELLULAH agony auntYou dont have anything good to say about your life or yourself do you?. I know I sound harsh, but would you want to be friends with you? I think until you learn to love yourself, and have some fun you will not break this circle. Have you tried a new hobbie? dancing or some kind of sport? Join a club and start to make friends that way. I know its hard to make the first move, but life is all about taking risks, and laughing at yourself. If you carry on just moaning about what you dont have, you will miss out on what you could have had. So get out of that chair, and do something with your wonderfull life! we are a long time dead!! Good luck cookie x

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