A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been having an affair for 4 years with a married woman at work, We meet up about once every 4 weeks. We are very careful but each time I feel guilty but can't stop as the physical side is good.I'd really like to know if anyone else is in a similar position and how they deal with the guilt?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): I am having affair with thai/Lao girl I met while spouse of my wife (I have 2under 10 children) We stayed for 3 years and the affair started with the Lao lady who is 9 years younger than me, in that time (about after one year of being here). My wife was posted to another country, At first I went with her but stayed only 3 months. I came back to Lao and rented house with Lao girlfriend. I have lived with her for 2 months and then went back to wife, left again and came back to Laos for nearly months and again back to wife and now back in Lao. Heres the twist, when I got back my Lao girlfriend had moved hers belongings out of the house and I am being told that its all over by a mutual friend and she has left town. Now is thia a blessing in disguise. I was too weak and gutless to move from wife (unhappy, sexless, loveless, no communication) usual I guess. i fall in love with the lao girl and I am overwhelmed by love and affection. Now she has left me and I know the best thing is to grow up, get a life and do the decent thing and go back to my wife and kids but am so happy when I am with the lao lady. On one hand I think hey long time dead why not enjoy life when you can I am 44 and not getting any younger. A mid life crisis yes am sure , but what to do? My gut insticts are two ,(1) leave my wife and family and move to Lao get job and be happy - maybe
(2) Go back to wife (assuming I could) and grow old with the woman i dont like and visa versa.
Please advise
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reader, echo123  +, writes (24 May 2008):
what can i say...i am in the same boat..but not...you see I believe that it is better to love someone you can not have then to have someone you can not love. Life takes us in strange places and for some they follow their brain and others follow their hearts. Doing the right thing all the time looks good but does it make you feel good. Follow your heart and let things fall into place as they should.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): ive known this woman for about six months, but three months ago we started getting closer till a month ago we started simple touching like sitting side by side on a bench. i admit this was doomed from the start but i love her and have heavily invested so much feelings in her. she has said she will never have sex with me or do anything that will hurt her husband and her 2 kids. after giving this alot of thought, i know that i can never make her leave her family for me. but at the same time, i loved her too much to let go off her. thus this continues.i know im wasting my time and the feelings of loss assail me each time i remember shes married and wont end the marriage. but i continue in this state. is this what love really is? to give up your own happiness for someone elses or jus something stupid and futile? i tell you the truth, i dunno.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): I would like to thank all that have responded here. You see I too have been having an affair with my high school sweetheart of 30 years ago. We developed a foundation then and recently we picked up where we left off. Yes, I have fallen in love with her. Yes, she is in a shaky marriage.
Up until this evening, I hoped upon hope that she would leave her husband and kids to start a new life with me.
But you know what?? As much as I am in love with her, and as much as I envision us someday being married, there is only one way out of this with a happy ending; I am letting her go to either fix her marriage, leave her marriage, or do nothing and stay unhappy.
In any case, it will be her choice. I have chosen to stop contributing to the heartbreak of a husband and 2 kids, and the responses I have read here tonight are the reason why.
Thanks ,
Rick
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): I am currently in a situation with a married woman. The couple are neighbours who live across the hall. Over a few months we became friends, but as time progressed, it was just myself and her going out together. The husband knew we were but didn't stop her or come out with us. Still nothing happened because I knew she was a married woman.Then about 2 weeks ago, we had an emotional connection, and held hands for the first time. 2 days later, she broke up with her husband and asked for a divorce. She said the divorce has nothing to do with me, as she was unhappy in the marriage and had tried breaking up 3 times earlier; and even had an affair several months back. Yet, the timing just seems to coincidental.Even before her husband moved out, we ended up in the sack; literally across the hall in the apt block. He was probably home while we were doing it. Guilt never entered the picture at first, because it was a secret.He did move out several days ago, and then yesterday he found out -- he broke into her email and learned all about me through very incriminating emails. Clearly he hates us both.And that's when the guilt steps in. An affair might be secretive and fun. But people get hurt. I can't imagine the pain this man is going through now; and I feel very badly for it - regardless if I am the reason or not for their breakup. I knew him, had a few drinks with him, and I feel like I've betrayed his trust.As for the woman ... she wants to be with me. I'm being very careful, because I'm not sure this was more than physical attraction.All I can say guys, is don't do this. You can't escape karma. And as much as you desire her, the guilt is something terrible and it lasts longer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I am a boss who has fall head over heals in love with one of my assistants - a married woman. She turned on the charm and the flirting from the start, hinting all the time that she was not happy with her husband, who is a fat, not handsome, but very decent and a kind father to their 4-year old daughter and an utterly devoted husband. She is lean, beautiful and unbelievably sexy. I have never known such a sexy, charming woman. She can also be kind. She is not honest however. I have not pursued a relationship because I know is it wrong, but she knows I have strong feelings for her. She has told me that it will never be possible for us to be more than friends. But then she flirts with me and is insanely sexy -- to the point where I fantasize only about her and there is no other woman for me. The situation has gotten out of hand. I think about her all the time. I think about her more than I do my new girlfriend, who is kind, sweet, nurturing and genuine. I am writing this e-mail to you all at 3:05 am. That's how far out of hand it has gotten!I tell myself that maybe this will just be innocent flirting and nothing else. I have made a few scenes already, getting angry with her over trifles. Before this gets out of hand I need to do at least the following: Not have a big emotional investment in this person, who is playing some kind of game with me; enjoy the flirting, enjoy the situation for what it is and not seek to make it anything else....
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): I have been having an affair with the woman of my dreams...emotionally, sexually...she is the one. She has 2 wonderful kids, and i know more about her than her husband will ever. I love her, love at first sight seems a joke to say the least these days, but we proved it wrong...I LOVE U SUNSHINE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): People in the west always are worried about ruining their relationship with an affair. In Europe we do not take it so harshly. We understand it is just physical pleasure and so do our women. God created man and woman as a sexual entity as long as this co worker is sound of mind and you both are mature etc etc etc..... men and women enter into an affair because something is missing in their lives, weather real or perceived. If you are having problems at home work to correct them with your wife and the affair will become less necessary s time goes on this is true for all marital problems. if you just want another woman long term then you would be better served telling your mate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): What the answer to your question should have been by the first person that posted is, that you should be honest with your wife. There is so much deception that can enter in when involved in affairs. Also, the first posters answer sounds a lot like the guy who used me when I thought he was someone who really cared about me, but it turned out that he was having affairs with many women at the same time and spreading diseases. I started figuring him out during the affair without letting him know I was talking to someone about it to try and put the pieces together. I was already in a abusive situation and this guy took full advantage of my vulnerabilities so he could use me. I later found out that he had been watching me throughout the years and just waited me out.
Having a relationship that involves dishonesty is dangerous.
If the person you are seeing is a honest trustworthy person, they would atleast wait until they were divorced and not live a lie.
What happened to me was emotional rape which is something that haunts me and the man who set me up believes I am to blame because I found him out. He has no remorse.
He filed false charges on me and tried to sue me afterwards because I wouldn't stay loyal to him and protect his lies.
He thinks I exposed him because he broke up, when indeed I am the one who confessed way before he knew it.
You maynot even know the person you are with at all.
If you do and you really care about them, then encourage them to be honest and if it is meant to be, you'll find your way back to eachother one day.
Lies only lead to destruction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): Well if you're having an affair with a married woman or thinking of having one I'd say good luck because more than likely its gonna end very badly. I just got back from filing a police report because the woman I was having an affair with became very upset with me because I had second thoughts and decided to end it. She then told her husband, presumably to punish me because the guy is a push-over, she controls him and could undoubtedly convince him that she was without blame. So after the two of them took turns calling me and texting me for two hours with threats of killing me I had no other choice but to report it to the police. Granted, I probably deserve anything just shy of death, but the harassment was out of control. Sex is not that important, and this situation has made the whole thing far from worth it. It was easily avoidable, but I wanted to test my luck because it felt good. Dumb. Now I have to make sure I never run into her or her husband again for the rest of my life, I have to worry about being killed or beaten, and live with this guilt of having possibly ruined a home. So like I said, I wouldn't recommend it.
... And I know I don't deserve it, but wish me luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): i just wana say thanks to everyones comments here,i have recently had a tiff my my GF, and i finished her, although i still have feelings for her, i got offered to go to see an older married woman, as she likes me, and i was supposed to be seeing her tonight, i have been feeling a massive amount of guilt and have not been knowing what to do, but when i think about what i really want, i want to be with my GF, i could never cheat on her. so i've just literally rang her up and told her it's off. the guilt has just vanished! i'm soo glad i read this forum, just needed some insight and advice =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I've just read every post below this question thinking that someone's answer or experience would provide me some shred of guidance or hope. I have been seeing a married woman from work for about 4 months, whom I've known for 5 years. I know her husband well and have hung out as a group on many occasions.
I am totally in love with this woman, and she has fallen in love with me.
I never would have planned, or thought I would allow myself to be in this situation at all... but it has happened and I am consumed by it at all times. A reader's post below speaks of the guilt and pain she goes through to make time for the single guy... but I feel no guilt, only sadness when we're apart.
I feel the time is running out for me to tolerate the situation - I can't imagine being in this situation for much longer let alone the multi-year experiences people on this thread have, but like I said I would have never thought I would be here in the first place so who knows.
Best of luck to everyone below,
Just another stupid man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I've been in an affair for almost 6 years now with a married woman. For the last 2 years I have lived alone in a new house, and become increasingly more attached to alcohol and tobacco as a means of dealing with her not being there. I wish I knew how to move on, but now the feeling of being completely alone scares me a lot. The problem is, we have nothing to say to each other, and the writing is on the wall that we need to stop seeing each other, calling, waiting for the right moment to be together which is virtually non-existent. I'd say if you can walk away, do so. I wish that it was that easy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): I can commensurate with the guilt and unnerving ordeal you are contending with at this phase of your life. But let me update you a little, I have been a divorced bachelor for 20 years, and the rules have changed dramatically since my marriage dissolved in 1988. In days of yore, we separated from our spouses and then embarked on these affairs, mostly with single women, but those rules have changed some since I was a Nuevo bachelor. What is the present trend is the "Transitional Relationship" not unlike the earlier encounters we embarked upon 20 years ago. These transient encounters were short lived usually less than 90 days and we moved on to a new one. Of course this was after we made the break. The first year out was hell and you drifted from one encounter to the next on the quest to find a soul mate. The rules have now changed the transitional relationships "affairs" begin before the marriage ends. During this time the woman usually discovers that the world outside is better than the jerk to which she is presently married. This transitional stage may last a few years. You have a lot of fun, because it is sex without strings, but be assured of one thing 99% of the time she will drift on to another leaving you high and dry. The marriage usually goes bust, but you will most likely not be the "waiting in the wings" significant other it will be some other "Johnny come lately" You are not aiding and abetting the demise of her marriage, it's already beginning on a destructive path that will ultimately end in dissolution.One thing that hasn't changed in 20 years is "Crazy Time" actually a well written book by a journalist in the mid 80’s; I'd suggest you read it. A woman in the state you describe will go though a few years of temporary insanity and you my friend will be left high and dry. My advice is limiting your degree of emotional investment in this person; don't fall in love with her, as your heart will be broken in the end. With all the glitter and fun this type of affair seems to have, in the end you will be left out in the cold. Take an old idiots advice, what you are is not a lover, but more a transitional experiment. It is highly unlikely there will be a happily ever after ending to your story.I'm not being judgmental but telling you the facts, I've been in your shoes, and what’s at risk is your feeling and emotions when this ends. There is now gender inequality. Historically, we men had mistresses that we used as sexual objects to cheat on our wives. The ERA has changed that, woman now hold powerful positions, and are no longer mistresses, but we are their masters. Think about it friend, if you admire this woman and have an action plan then embark on her escape plan, if she fails to commit to an action plan then cut your losses, it is your emotions, that will be salvaged in the end. I agree a cheating wife is a great lover to you the "Forbidden Fruit" but for all you know she could be rigid and frigid with her present spouse. I hope I've provided some insight into your dilemma, as I am presently in the same situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): i,ve been havin an affair with a women from work for 3 months but she used to be a school mate we hooked up at a christmas function we,ve been working in the same school system for 10 years and never met till know we both had a secret crush on each other when we were younger well nature took control or went out of control we,ve decide too be apart because i was having marital problems already well the guilt for my wife and the wanting to be with the other women was so great that i had to tell my wife because she new something was wrong and i couldn,t take it anymore well we will be applying for a divorce know the other women we have broken up because i can,t end my marriage with another women in hand there,s no guaranty that she will be there when this is over but we,re going threw it my wife deserves better then me she will never trust me again which hurts more then you can imagine i,ve screwed up many lives in the process including my daughters which i will never forgive myself for there,s no way of dealing with it but think before you act
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): I am having an affair with a married woman. We don't work together. She works at a store that I service. We have been seeing each other for 3 months and says she will leave her husband in a month.We see each other every day and talk on the phone all day.We have talked about marrige nd having kids together[she has 4 I have 1]. I love her alot and she says she loves me but she acts like she will never leave him. There is an 18 year age difference[she is 23 I am 41]. I am friends with her husband but I don't feel bad for him at all. He is always yelling at her and degrading her.I feel he doesn't deserve her and I do. The only thing he deserves is to lose her to me.If she leaves him and we get together I will know how to treat her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007): you poor thing, and such a shame you have to hear such religious nonsense to add to your already bad feelings, if only it were a choice then you would have chosen someone who fits in with everyones plans. Nobody else can understand your situation apart from you and her, nobody else can know how you both feel and tell you who you should and should not love. I think the counselling thing might be a good one as the counseller I saw suggested I had a relationship outside my marriage as after so many years together it clearly wasn't working for either of us. It did help, met the love of my life, and although the porcess of divorce is difficult people do survive and go on to have happy relationships again and 2nd wives/husbands. You will usually find a good cousellor (but ask her religious viewpoint first) will help you deal with your feelings and not judge you. A life coach might also be worth considering if you feel you need to make changes and need support doing this. Good luck with it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): i am a married man of 18 years 3 kids with . 4 months ago i met a married woman with 1 kid on the internet who lived in a neighboring state. Things moved quickly thru email, chatting, phonecalls, and then finally meeting at a halfway point for a day long rendezvous at a hotel. We have met 2 times and will be meeting again shortly. I have never cheated on my wife and if you had asked me about it a year ago I would have laughed at the thought. This woman is about 10 years younger then me, beautiful, sexy, dynamic. The most shocking aspect to me is my lack of guilt...where is my guilt...where is the conscience that I thought would never allow me to do this? I know it's wrong but i don't want to end it. Like a tree falling in the woods, if no one is around does it make a noise? If my wife and her husband never find out does anyone get hurt?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): I have tried to end an affair with a married woman for months but the feelings are too strong. Trying to be friends is very difficult. It eliminates the guilt, but the pain of loosing an intimate connection is horrible. I think ultimatley it was weakness on both of are parts. hers at not trying to establish that connection at home and me holding on to one that i know is wrong. i just try not to get angry at her or depressed at the loss. Its a matter of recogizing that this person can not give the love you really want. and they will not accept all the love you can give. Move on and open your heart to someone who can give their love to you. The hurt will not last forever. And forget waiting deep down you must know that is a waste of time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): I've recently just started an affair with a man who lives with his gf. I have a partner too. I dont feel guilt and cos of that it makes me feel bad and stresses me out. I worry constantly about my partner finding out.
I don't know what to do. I know I should end it as me and my partner have a real connection and I dont want my relationship to go to pieces but at the same time I cant stop myself. I know me and the other guy have no future but I cant stop seeing him no matter how hard I try.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): I am 39, and am in a similar situation for about a year-and-a-half. Except that my girl and I get together 1 or 2 times each week. Guilt? Yes. Physical upside? You know it as well as I do.
I felt guilty for the first few months, but the more I learned about her husband, the less guilty I felt. Now, there's none. This may sound callous, but the only time she feels loved the way she wants to be loved is in the little time we get to spend together. She is incredibly beautiful, yet her older, obese husband has no desire to have sex with her - only boss her around 24-7. With me, she has a guy who genuinely tells her everything she wants to hear, satisfies her in bed, and encourages her to do anything she wants to do.
Your partner may not have an imperfect marriage, but when you ask yourself (and maybe ask her too) why you exist as you do in her life, maybe your guilt will go away too. I hope so. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): So I ended up getting involved with a married woman while I was still married about a year and a half ago. We shared everything and fell in love. I left my wife, but she remained with her husband. She proclaims how much she loves him and me too, but she cant leave him.
The twist in this tale is that I recently found emails between her and one of her co workers. quite explicit. She wrote it off as "healthy banter"... but I am sure that she has begun an affair with him too because of her curiosity. All the tell tale signs are there like they were with me along with the associated gut instinct.
Even though I am not the husband and she tells me that I have no right, it hurts to be in this situation as she lies to her husband to be with me and she may be doing the same to me just to keep me or out of fear that I will tell the husband.
Has anyone else heard of this scenario of a married person seeing more than one person outside of th marriage at the same time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): I am in a similar situation. I have been having an affair for about 2yrs now. I ran into an old boyfriend a couple of years ago and that is when we talked hashed things out and the affair began. I have 3 children and have been married for 10yrs (some good some bad). He is married with one, and to complicate things we work together now. I am clueless about what to do. It just helps a little to get it out. I have never done anything like this before and it is killing me inside, sometimes i just want to lay down and not wake up but i think of my kids and i know i have to end this thing i just don't know how. I am sorry i could not be of help i just needed to get it off my chest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): I am married and have been having an affair with a single partner for two years. Yes.....I think it is much harder for me. When we're apart..he is simply waiting for me to show up. For me...each time we are together I must create some sort of lie...some sort of plan to make the space and time in my life for him. Most of the time I feel it is worth it because of the great passion we have. I want to end my marriage. My husband is a good man but I got married without knowing what it was. I gave into pressures of society. I turn off the guilt when it starts. I don't want anyone to hurt. It is very difficult because there is no one you can share this with. I don't think he realizes what I go through to be with him. He doesn't know the added stress for me. I love him though and do not want to lose what we have.
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reader, Ms Kay  +, writes (18 November 2007):
Hello, I have been having an affair with a married man for 1 1/2. I work for him and sometimes find myseld in strange situations. At work we never let our relationship get involved. Everything we do is strictly after work. I recently had his child and that's what make the situation harder. I see him with his family sometimes, but I find him with me everyday. I sleep with him at night and have to walk into work the next morning and he's right there. I sometimes feel guilt but I never regret what I am doing. If his wife was doing everything right then her husband would not do anything to put their marriage on the line.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): I have had an affair for over a year with a married woman. Its a strange situation because her husband knows we are friends. She tells me she loves me, but wont leave because of her young son. He is a preteen, and she feels destroying his life is more than she can bear. I broke it off recently and she is very upset, as am I. I love her, but I hate the secret life we live. I feel like if she can do this to a man she married, why wouldnt she do it to me? I am single so I am not guilty about my love for her. I am pissed that I cant share my love with her out in open. We are connected on every level you can think of. I have spent considerable time with her and her husband and nobody understands the relationship. They are so different that its scary. They dont even sleep in the same room. I am thinking of keeping the friendship, and seeking a new relationship. Any advice would be appreciated. I guess the part that hurts the worst is that I dont know if I beleive in marriage. Everyone I know is miserable in their relationship. The objective reason I see is that they married young before they grew up inside. Now that they are mature, they realize that they have nothing in common. This woman and I have everything in common. I wish she and I had a family together. It will never happen so I dont know why I waste my time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Hi, just wanted to throw my two cents in as well, I've been emotionally involved in an affair with a Married woman that I have contact at work with, with some sex and such on the side, for nearly a year now. The guilt tears her apart after everytime she stops by my place, and my near obsessive desire to make her mine drives me in circles. I love her though, not that I couldn't find other love, it's she's one of those people that you're born compatible with, makes it hard to stay away. I'm not going to, i'm waiting for her to divorce her husband, now I'm not saying i'd marry her, but maybe live with her. Have as much fun as you can, this life is way to damn short.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): Hi: I have been involved with a married woman from work also. It was a relationship no one in their right mind would have entered into. Yesterday when I came home there was a message on my answering machine stating she wanted to end the relationship. Even though I know this is the best thing that has happened to me in seven months it hurts real bad. That sorrowful felling that one gets in their heart is so intense right now that I wish I could die. Are all men this stupid? How do I act and what do I say come Monday morning when I see her at work? Can one turn off the emotion and try to be "just friends?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): I have been having an affair with a married woman from work for the past 9 months. She is about 15 years younger than me. We have known each other for 8 years before we started this affair. I know her husband well. We actually used to work together. I know their children, and my wife and family are invited to all of their family gatherings. Should be awkward right. Not at all. A few years ago, she told her husband that I was her fantasy. She has told me many times her husband talks about me when they are having sex. She has even called her husband by my name in and out of the bedroom. He told her it would be ok with him if we had sex as long as she told him about it. So far she has not told him. We see each other almost every day, and have sex 2 to 3 times a week. I do feel guilty at times, but not enough to put an end to this. I do love her, and would leave my loveless marriage if she said the word. We both have children, and that is all that holds us apart. We both take care of our kids and put them first.
One little awkward note. She has told her mother about us. Her mother would actually like to see us together and has watched all the kids while we sneak off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): I'm having an affair with a married woman. We've been together (close) only once at this time and have not had sex, but it was an affair as soon as the talk turned against her marriage as far as I'm concerned.
She has a family and I do not. At first it seemed that I had little to lose and so much to gain emotionally by her "love" and attention, but I'm losing a lot else at the moment and feel as sick as one should feel in this situation, due to thoughts of her family.
I resisted her for a few years but felt no longer able to resist despite obvious complications. She has no intention of leaving her family and I have no plans for a "hostile takeover" so to speak. We've just had a long history of mutual attraction and have acted on it.
Well, I stumbled on this thread needing to spill my guts and have done it. Even after reading the responses, I'm still not 100% that I'll end this, but I've been told more than once that a bigger man would say thank you for the love and attention, and then leave her to her family and life.
It seems that whether or not I deal with the guilt, my body will do it for me: Like I said, I feel sick.
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reader, Fade878 +, writes (12 October 2007):
 The best thing to prevent guilt is to not do anything that will create it. Guilt is a sure indicator that you are aware it is wrong to be doing what you do.
How to get rid of it? Stop doing the "thing" that causes it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): I began an affair with a married woman while married at the same time. Just like so many of the responses listed here, we were one another's "love of their life", we had a very emotional and passionate affair, we both left our spouses at one point...a carbon copy of what everyone else has said..There are so many similarities it is scary but somehow comforting..
In the end, I divorced and she is still married (guilt over children, is in an emotionally abusive relationship, all the other common things) and I can tell you, the guilt was enormous when I was married but now its not. She chooses to maintain the relationship with her husband for certain reasons and the one with me for others. It really is "simply complicated" as that is how these things always are. there is no simple black and white answer. My situation has taken a million turns (as I am sure yours probably has too). You just have to look inward to see what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to accept.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): You need to consider if there are children involved in both side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): I have been having a affair with a coworker for 8 months with sex and a emotional affair with him for a total of a year. I am married, but seperated with children and he is very successful with a wife and kids of his own. We both have good jobs and it is not a option for me to leave mine. But we have ended our affair again. This is the 3rd time. Last time the guilt was so bad that I ended it telling him that he should work on his marriage the breakup lasted 3 days. Now he has broken up with me telling me he is so confused and feels so guilty. He told me he can't go on vacation with his wife without feeling he needs to be here etc... We realize that this has got to end. So he has decided now is the time. I am not ready yet. I feel so sad and rejected. When does the hurt go away? When does this get easier? I felt we had so much left to do together.How do I see him and work with him and know that I can't even touch him? any suggestions?
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male
reader, meridian +, writes (18 April 2007):
I was in a similar situation until recently. I met her at the office. We sat next to each other and hit it off. She was sexy and attentive. So attentive, in fact, that she pursued me relentlessly for a couple of months. I liked her, enjoyed her conversation (and attention), and asked her out for drinks after work one night, and we ended up in my bed. From there, we saw each other often - at least a few times a week. But I always retained emotional detachment - she was married and had children. After an intense year, she left me for two weeks. I tried to let it go... but cracks appeared in my defenses. I missed her and eventually contacted her and she came back. From there, it was off and on. A new guy, well, a longtime friend from her childhood, returned to her life and she retreated to him for comfort and advice even as I would not commit.
Then, divorce entered the picture. She would retreat, return to me. Finally, I committed. Told her I wanted to build a life with her. I took the leap of faith. After all, it was what she'd wanted all along. I saw my future, and as the divorce pressed forward, we were together.
But... she became everything she never wanted me to be. Our cultural and racial differences had never bothered her. But after a single argument we had, she found the catalyst to discard the relationship and the commitment. "We're too different!" she proclaimed. And she went back to her "friend." And she is with him now. Even as we stay in recurrent touch, she's with him now. She can say "I still love you and miss you" to me all she wants, but she is not here. I was devastated. Getting better now, since this was recent, but I saw my future shrededed by her, after I gave her everything she'd wanted from me.
So, this affair only gained in intensity as time went by. But instead of staying with her husband and children and being with me, whom she claimed was "the love of her life," she is now out there with someone else (of the same culture). It is so difficult to lose that constant attention (near-worship, actually), the affection, the uninhibited sex, and the idea we'd generated of our life together.
Here was an affair that seemed was going to end with the two people together. True love, right? Well, be careful, and always keep the guard up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007): So I meet this woman when I was 18 she was engaged we started to have an affair, she got married we continued to have an affair. The affair just sort of stopped we were out of contact for 9 years.
I meet someone else I was with her for 8.5 years when I meet up with the married lady (now with children) by sear chance. The affair started again, my 8.5-year relationship broke up.
The affair is still on going; she won’t leave because of the children. I think I’m being used.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): I know your situation well. I met this girl in 1984 and we both were at a young age. We both were from different states but we stayed in touch through letters and phone calls through the years. In 2000 we finally opened up to each other how we felt about the other all these years and the feelings were mutual. We both agreed that we had always wanted to be with the other sharing life together. The problem now was that I had been married for 9 years and she had been for 3 years. In 2001 we agreed to meet and see what happened. Well, we fell in love with one another right off and shared a secret life together for six months. She broke it off when she found out she was pregnant because she was scared how she was going to explain it to her husband and didn't know for a fact whose it was? The sad part is that she ended up having a miscarriage. We talked for about a year after that but then just stopped talking all together. In late 2006 she called me up after 3 and a half years and told me that she had made a mistake and loved me and should have never walked away from what we had. She is still married to the same person but our previous get together caused me to get a divorce. We have been currently seeing each other again for 5 months and she has left her husband twice to come down and stay with me for a few weeks at a time but keeps going back trying to find a way to leave him but also feels scared to leave him. I don't feel guilty for being with her because she is married because we both know we belong together and we know its right being together. What I hate and that hurts me the most is that she keeps going back to him but hates being away from me. She says she loves him but shes not in love with him and they have had no physical contact in three years and feels like she is living with a roommate or best friend rather than a husband. I am having a hard time dealing with her saying she wants to be with me and telling me she loves me but can't leave him. He controls her and her sister has told her that also but when she leaves he talks her into coming back making her feel bad. So it's killing me inside to be with her and I can't so if you love this person don't feel quilty about it. I love mine and I have no quilt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007): Love is a verb so it is not just an emotion, it is doing and being-action. People miss this. So love is a choice, you can feel it but what you choose to do with it, to develop, foster it...is one's choice and they have the power to use discreation as to if it is appropriate to take an attraction or lust and equate it to love.
Love is pure and holds no malyce, no falseness, no dishonesty, it is sacred and should instill in others peace and happiness.
I declare affairs are a violation to the true value and worth of love that is between husband and wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): I am a female who is married and just started having an affair myself with a guy I met in college who is twelve years younger than me. I think the guilt is definantly stronger for the married one. There are times I break down and cry the guilt is soooo bad. It's really not something I can discuss with anyone I know, so I am glad I can air this out here. The guy seems not to feel guilty at all and said that I should do what I like since my marriage isn't solid anyways due to an absent husband who works out of town. I also have 2 children.
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