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I am having an affair with a married woman from work. Is anyone else in a situation similar and if so, how do you deal with the guilt?

Tagged as: Cheating, Forbidden love, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 March 2007) 113 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2011)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have been having an affair for 4 years with a married woman at work, We meet up about once every 4 weeks. We are very careful but each time I feel guilty but can't stop as the physical side is good.

I'd really like to know if anyone else is in a similar position and how they deal with the guilt?

View related questions: affair, at work, married woman

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

I am a 26 year old female, married for 1 year, with one child. I have always been a very monogamous person, but found out some time ago that my husband had not been faithful to me but had been meeting other women for sex. despite confronting him with good evidence and knowing that he was unfaithful to his last wife, he denies it so we have been able to discuss and get past it. it made me feel like our marriage was worthless, as he evidently wasnt taking it seriously. He also can be very critical of my appearance and weight (i used to be a uk size 6 and since having our baby am now an 8, so I am hardly fat). He also does not take my job seriously (which I love) and has been very unsupportive of me returning to work, as I earn a lot less than him (I am an academic) Recently I started an affair with a colleague of mine. The reason I did so wasnt due to sex, although we are strongly attracted to each other, but because it was so obvious how much he cared for me too, having watched me go through all this with my husband. He chased after me, not the other way around, and when he kissed me although a lot of thoughts raced through my head I thought about my husbands past behaviour and pushed them aside. The rewards of being with someone who cares for me and loves being with me are so great, he finds me attractive and understands my ambitions and what I want to do with my life. I feel he apreciates me. although I have tried to fix things with my husband many times I dont think it can happen as he does not really try. Also I have thought about my lover, he has made it clear he isnt ready to settle down, so I don feel guilty about having a relationship with him that cant last forever. Still, I worry eventually he will feel that I dont respect him, and I do, so very much. Please dont think every case is black and white.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010):

Married woman having an affair for almost a year with a single man and not regretting it. If the same thing is going on then you shouldn't feel guilty. My lover is what it is. Just a lover someone who is there when I feel like it. I would never leave my husband for this man. My husband and I are doing all the important things in life together. I know he doesn't deserve this but I can't help it. I want sex from someone else, my husband is good at sex but fresh meat always gives you a different feeling. Anyway bottom line is married women just want sex therefore you shouldn't be feeling guilty. If she didn't want sex she would not have approached. Deep down women know that's true. It's not like it's some inexperienced girl looking for "love", it's an experienced woman looking for attention that's all it is.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010):

I am too, I see her at work and yes we sneak off to the back room to have a quickie. I occasionally will get a room. We will have relations where ever we can. I love her very much and she loves me . I know I should stop but I can't. I want it to last,but I know it should end. I don't find my wife physically attractive anymore and that's a big reason for this affair. The guilt is there all the time. I just try to live my live to the fullest day by day. I go to church and pray for forgiveness each time. I just can't stay away from her.The guilt is always going to be there I just live with it and move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010):

a very helpful read, i know where i stand, i know what i have to do now. I am very appreciated and do understand what ur trying to do in the last weeks. I was in pain but glad that ur doing it for us. Thanks Matty

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010):

Yes. It is happening to me now for like 2 years. I was not the person that initiated it. I was not even conscious initially when it all started. Well, just keep praying to God because it is not easy to stop. Funny enough, most of these married women are beautiful and attractive.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010):

Hi there.

Having been there, being the woman cheating on her husband with a single man, I can tell you that the connection will fade away. And once it wears off, the guilt will eat you alive.

If she confesses or she is discovered, you will be faced with one of the worst experiences of your life.

Leave her. No contact. Be firm. Your and her emotional health are so important, don't take it for granted.

I can't even begin to describe to you how horrific the feelings are after an affair is discovered. IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

However hard, and whatever withdrawal symptoms you have are NOTHING compared with the storm you are running towards.

Make a choice. Make a good choice. I am sure you are a good man, stop the affair and get on with your life. Heal and let the other woman heal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010):

You really are not alone. I would suggest you watch the Dr. Phil show that aired October 28/29, 2010 (a two part series) and you definitely fit the category. It just sounds like you have a sexual fetish or you really aren't happy to the fullest you should be. Guilt will always be there if you continue, but you can change it if your willing. Ask yourself, do you love her? If you do and she feels the same, there should not be a question of her staying in her marriage. If there is, it's then, in my opinion, the secret behind the doors that nobody knows about that's intriguing. Get rid of that and i will bet it will never be the same. I think the bottom line is it's exciting when you get away with secret activities but if its out in the open that anticipation disipates.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010):

I am living with the mother of my two children in a somewhat married situation. To the world we are married but internally i do not think we are. It was hot within the first two years. But now not. I have a feeling she wanted me just to have her babies and though me off. Before the birth of our second child she started talking of stopping childbirth and immediately after the child came she told me it was difficult for the medics to sever her Ovaries ie stopping child birth and she had already had an appointment with her gynaecologist for me to get sever my own sperm ducts. It is now three years and since the last one year we ahev also stopped having sex with another. I do not have an affair and i also feel that she hasn´t, though. I am still giving her sometime because she is the person that refuses my advances.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010):

I have been in love with a woman for years but don't know if she knows.

I am married but want to be with this lady, do I say anything?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010):

I am in love with a man from work. He is married with two kids. I am married with no children. I love him so much but I have got the feeling that he changed his mind about our relationship. Is so hard because I love him so much and I know he loves me to. I wish that we could be together but is so difficult.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010):

I met an amazing woman who was married online. I am married too. At that time I did not have kids and she had 2 kids. We fell in love and for her the jealousy got to be too much. My wife got pregnant thru IVF, I stopped being intimate with her cause i am not attracted to my wife. I love this woman with all my heart but I am afraid that she might do the same to me as she did to her husband and therefore have been holding back. Today was the ultimatum...she has left me and asked me not to text me. yes affairs never have a happy ending. Someone is bound to get hurt. I am so hurt....I have to pay the price. There is no room for jealousy in a relationship. I miss her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010):

I met an amazing woman who was married online. I am married too. At that time I did not have kids and she had 2 kids. We fell in love and for her the jealousy got to be too much. My wife got pregnant thru IVF, I stopped being intimate with her cause i am not attracted to my wife. I love this woman with all my heart but I am afraid that she might do the same to me as she did to her husband and therefore have been holding back. Today was the ultimatum...she has left me and asked me not to text me. yes affairs never have a happy ending. Someone is bound to get hurt. I am so hurt....I have to pay the price. There is no room for jealousy in a relationship. I miss her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010):

I feel guilty just like you i feel so ashamed i dont know how to end this affair

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010):

affairs never end well... everyone gets hurt/// if you are in love then show courage and stand by each other.. even if its hard.. if not then walk away.. you eventually will... you eventually wont care... but her life ... may not be so smooth sailing.. good luck.. i feel for you.. i am married not having an affair but alas! i know all about temptation ...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010):

if you cant handle the guilt, dont do it. but on the other hand if you can go for it! never mind these fools who seem to think they know what is best for you. and as for those people who think they know the mind of some sort of man made god!!??? oh the arrogance! oh the presumption of the religious!........... ignore them too. do it if you want to, but dont whine and moan if and when it all blows up in your face. affairs are sexy and fun, but with enormous down sides too. stop being a weasel and make up your own damn mind!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010):

So married woman with no kids, is this how you explain away your affair....how do you deal with your 'husbands efo deflation" it still amazes me such arrogance...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010):

An affair is a basic human thing to do, if we were not meant to have affairs we would not have been given the ability to feel physical attraction to others, its an animal instinct and the only reason people get hurt is becuse their egos get damaged, thats it, simple as that. The only place you will hear that an affair is wrong is in man made religions and through society which is made up by man. Our basic inner wants and needs should be satisfied, and for the wives who call the other woman a whore, grow up, this is pure ego deflation speaking, if my husband has an affair with a woman who does not know me, I would have no anger towards her whatsoever for all I know she could be in love with him so I would certainly not call her a whore and would not end up bitter and cynical. I am a married woman I have no children.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010):

"....our intent is not to hurt ." it still amazes me when people use these words so flippently. it means nothing because you mean nothing.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010):

I have been married for nearly 5 years. I also have one child. I have been having an affair with a single man that my husband works with for about 1 year. We meet up every 2-3 months and just have sex with each other. We don't really talk, or anything just strictly sex. I have gotten so used to the everyday routine and the routine sex, that I decided I needed something more. From the moment I met him, I have been totally attracted to him. He gives me things that my husband can't and I in return give him things that other women can't. I really don't have any guilt whatsoever. My husband and I are together mainly so that our son will have a stable home. The man that I am having an affair with I could totally fall for in one heartbeat. However, we both are trying to keep our distance except for those occasional meet ups with each other. I can tell you that it is so easy for women to fall in love though, so you have to be careful about that. I would leave my husband in an instant if he asked me to. As for the guilt, there is something that her husband isn't doing for her that you can. For me, it's not even about the sex really. I just want someone to WANT to be with me and someone to WANT to pay attention to me. It's all about desire, women want to be desired...so her husband is probably never around, or just doesn't show her the HUNGER she wants to feel from him....I say go for it! AND don't feel guilty....you are making her happy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010):

Easier said than done. I am married for nearly 10 years with 2 children now. I am only 28 years old so we were married at a very young age. I had a crush on this particular guy for the longest time and we worked together on and off since late 2007. It was nothing but a fantasy that I enjoyed escaping to & never even fathomed flirting with him until one night. After a short chat on fb with just a hint of flirting we met up and everything changed that night in July of last year. Since then we saw each other consistently every 2-3 weeks until January. The end of January was the last I saw him until a few Thursdays ago. I've been through so much with my husband. So much that the respect has disappeared along with things that have happened to me. There are always two sides to every story. I've asked for counseling and my husband refused. He doesn't know about the man that I work with, but we do have other issues. These relationships I keep seperate. I don't know if I love my husband anymore but I do know that I really have feelings for the other man. I'm pretty much stuck and am contemplating telling the other man that we should be friends and eventually cut each other off. I want him to be happy and have someone to be there for him the way I can't be. I actually want him to have a relationship of his own. That was initially my "out." I wouldn't want to be with someone who was in love with someone else. Every time I get up the courage to tell him it never comes out. It's crazy and confusing and I would never want to wish it on anyone. I don't regret it. From the start I said that we were only friends and that "it is what it is when it is, & when it's not it's not." Really, that isn't the way I feel, I just said it to keep a distance - so when the feelings started to deepen we could go our seperate ways. My kids do need a stable environment and me & my husbands combined income will provide that. End of story.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010):

hey bud i know how you feel,but if your in a relationship now,its obvious you are missing something,so to make it short,work on your own woman,talk to her she just wants to feel special,and heard,this should start you on a good relationship with her....if not get out now life is too short....jeff

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010):

i am having an affair for the past 2 1/2 years. we are both married and i really feel bad about it as we are family friends and i call him uncle. i have always like him more than a uncle even though i have never shown it to him.he is 19yrs older. but very handsom and very attractive.

i got married a man i love so much and but for some reason my husband stoped having sex with me. but he alsways showed so much love and i felt bad to look for what i was missing.

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A female reader, LoveGirl South Africa +, writes (11 April 2010):

Dear male anon who is married for 50 years. It is very easy for people who conduct extra marital affairs to claim to be sex addicts. In far this is far from it. You have latched on to a concept so that you can justify your adultery. Have you considered marital counselling? You clainm to love your dear wife , if you do not put an end to your affair, I am sorry to advise you that you will be spending your very golden years alone. The worse thing in life is to be ALONE. I hoe for your sake that your faithful wife never gets wind of the fact that her dear hb is cheating on her. I think that will be plain cruel and indeed devastating. Have you considered talking to your pastor or even one of your kids. You may have gotten away with this affair for the last 2 years but I think you know your time is up to make changes in your life. If anything has to happen to your wife I am sure you would not forgive yourself. There comes a time in all our lives where we need to take stock of our behavoir, we need to account for our actions and if we profess to love someone then we need to do everything in our power to protect them and not betray them. Sadly dear anon male, you have not done this for your wife. I am not judging you (too much)but trying to make you see that you are in the process of throwing away 50 years. Surely your love for rough sex is not so great to sacrific everything both you and your dear wife have worked so hard for.when a woman goes through menapause she needs her hbs support and love, realise that this 'condition' was not her doing. Through love, understanding and even affection this cycle in a womans life can be overcome. You chose to find another woman to replace your wife. Imagine if your wife found another man if you were suffering from erectile dysfunction. I think your wifes menapause is now over/abating yet you still seek out this OW to have sex with. Please, please I implore you to think, to think about the devastating consequences of your actions. Sometimes it is too late because when our marriage ends then it is too late to change and also try to understand if your affair is discovered vy your kids and heaven forbid, your grandkids. This is something that you need to consider. As you say you need to weigh up your love for sex with another woman vs doing the right thing. I pray that you know what 'the right thing is' and that you start to make amends in your marriage. I would hate for you to destroy a marriage that has span over 50 years, it is an achievement and normally it is something to be proud of. You are more than welcome to send me a private message. Please do not destroy your home. I think then it will be too late to cry over what should have been.

Wow, 50 years is a lifetime, isn't it.........

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010):

I am also married and have been having an affair with a married women. Much like you, I am consumed by guilt but unable to stop. My wife and I have been married nearly 50 years. After menopause, she lost interest in sex and over the past five years I gradually I lost interest in sex with her. I adore my wife and always will, but the women I am having an affair with is my daughters age, very sexy, and dynamite in bed. We have been having fantastic sex for nearly 2 years. I keep thinking I can break it off, but I go nuts without the sex. I am stuck between fantastic sex with a women I don't like and no sex with a woman I am still deeply in love with. I have set up an appointment with a sex therapist to reverse this awful pattern. I don't expect it will be easy. I am ashamed of my lack of resolve and the betrayal of my wonderful wife. I can only think of my behavior as that of an addict hooked on something that is a looming disaster but unable to go cold turkey. I wish you luck and wish me luck too.

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A male reader, Lovehungry! United States +, writes (9 April 2010):

I am 36 and I have known this married woman at work for 5 years who is 35. We were friends the first 2 years until one day she told me she had feelings for me. I told her I could not get involved because she was married but she persisted asking me to "take a chance"!! As it turns out her husband actually had an affair on her while she was pregnant so I did not feel as bad. We usually just hung out for dinner and drinks until she had to go home to her husband and 3 year old son. I resisted having sex with her for a few months and then we got drunk one night and finally did. As much as I was against in the beginning she totally had me. I was infatuated with her now. We continued on for 3 years falling in love in the process. About a year and a half ago her husband found a few cards I gave her that she stashed in the house and put a strain on her seeing me. We still were able to spend time but not as much as we used to. In the last 6 months we had alot of arguments and weeks of not talking as she almost was never able to see me outside of work. It wasn't until 2 weeks ago I found out she was screwing around with another guy at work who is 8 years younger than her. I am heart broken and can now see how her husband must feel. I realize that once a cheater always a cheater really does apply. It hurts me so much as I made the mistake of falling in love knowing she may never leave her husband but the fact that there is now another guy kills me. The worst part is I have to see her everyday. In the long run it really isn't worth it!! I want to say I had no regrets but now I must say I do! I have no one to blame but myself!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010):

My wife cheated on me for six months. I certainly did not see it as only her choice. The guy new me personally, knew we were married, and chose not to consider my feelings for one instant. He clearly took me for a sucker if he thought I would not find out. I do not like to be taken for a mug. So I decided to teach him a lesson. Not only did I punch him in the face, I also informed his family, colleagues, and fiance of his sordid little affair. I later heard they gave him hell when he whined about me, which was great. I bet he had great sex, but I told him 'you'll remember my face every time you have a w**k.' The look on my wife's face when he did not come running to recue her was priceless.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):

I'm a single male and having an affair with a married woman. Do I feel guilty? No. Why? Because I am not the one who is cheating on a partner. The sex with her is fantastic...it is hungry, sensual, erotic, exploratory and has no inhibitions for both of us. It's very, very physical. I don't question why she chooses to be that way with me and not her husband. I won't psycho analyse her because she's an adult and is rsponsible for her own actions.

I've read online here all the comments about the single guys feeling guilty about the husband etc. Remember this; you're not responsible for him, nor are you responsible for her. If she chooses to have the affir, then so be it, it's her choice.

What I won't do is allow an emotional connection to get too strong between us. I don't want to be her husband, nor do I want her to leave her family for me. For both of us the time together is an escape from the routine drudgery of everyday life, so we indulge ourselves sexually as two adults looking to be physically satiated. We meet every few months and let the sexual energy that has built up to take a life of its own. Like I said, the sex is exhilerating. It truly is an escape for both of us. After a few hours we both go back to our own lives having fully satisfied each other in every possible way. Afterwards, communication between us is sporadic, so we both know what the affair is all about. I do enjoy the fact I send her home

To all those people who are married and falling in love with their 'affair partner', my advice is to STOP this immediately. You are investing emotional energy that realy should be directed to your actual spouse/partner. By all means have an affair if that is what you want. It's your choice to have one, but treat it as what it really is; a momentary distraction. Leave it at that and nothing more than that. Don't let people dictate to you what moral framework you should be living your life to. Make your choice but do it responsibly.

For me, I will continue to see my married woman and engage in hot, steamy sex with her for as long as I'm single. It suits me right now, but when I decide to look for something more permanent, then I won't see her anymore because I personally don't believe in cheating on your partner. But hey, that's my moral framework and no one else needs to live by that just because I do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010):

I' ve been married for 11 years, but neither of us have been 'in love' for 7 years

My wife has a married friend I've always been crazy about, and for the last couple of years she has evidently fancied me too

But I have a wife and kids....

I'll be seeing the friend at a drinks party this weekend, and what I will do, what I always do, that has so far just about worked for me... is go to the bathroom first and ... ahem... release some tension

then if I start to feel too much passion, go again, and then when we're home again...

I find that we're kind of wired up to really want sex with someone we find sexy, but when that has abated (for a time) then the feelings are much easier to handle. For 10 years the friend has given me a friendship I greatly value, and I'm trying to keep it that way.

I think this natural simple tip is often overlooked by men, and it can really help us keep on the straight and narrow. Perspective can change instantly.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009):

I can not believe the awful and totally not acceptable excuses that are being used to try and make the people committing adultery feel better about the fact you know deep down it's wrong that's why you all feel the need to seek help from a web forum. And as for the 20 odd year old who is going to sleep with her Boss (not clever idea either really is it?) Are you for real? You obviously have no respect for yourself self as you've done a fantastic job of making yourself look like a tart "ride him all night long" classy. He's using you....don't be used. Plus he has a wife, that's not cool.

The reason you feel guilt, ashamed or scared of getting caught etc is because it is wrong, and a crime if you are married....simple! Think about it, why did you get married in the first place? To just throw your morals, self respect, dignity and wedding vows out the window because it's easier for you not to work at your marriage and want to have a successful marriage because you can't control yourselves from lust. Did you not ever lust or have all the things you feel you are now missing from your relationship, if they were there at the start you can get them back but you have to work at it. If not why did you married in the first place? If your not willing to work at it (the majority of you don't even really want to leave or do leave your partner?!) then hows about stopping being so bloody selfish and wrapped up in your own little world, too busy making sure your getting what you want not considering your partner or your children or anyone's else's feelings or emotions because your making yourself out to a victim. A victim of your own lack of self control. Complaining it's stressful, tough luck.

This is not a massive site and just because most of the people on this site (only a tiny percentage or everyone) are doing it your made to feel like everyone's doing so it's acceptable....it's not. How do all the other couples out there cope without cheating and lying? Well you choose to put yourself in that situation when you knew you shouldn't, so be a grown up and responsible when you put yourself in this mess and your family and the person your cheating with their family as well. Get away from one of the relationships that you got in, if you claim you love your partner then you simply would not cheat on them. Act like a normal decent human being and control yourself, like most people manage too. You are promoting adultery, when it is nothing to be proud of. Get a grip.

Divorce is thrown about too easily, people who behave in such a way see it as a reset button, your not a bad person who has made mistakes once you've wiped it all. Huuuh?

Marriage is not just a contract "Til death do us part" you vowed to each other, or where your just lying then too? and if you do think that, don't get married, hold on to your beliefs as you have them for a reason. A contract of any sort is legally binding once it's been signed, and just because people brake them everyday is not a valid excuse, two wrongs don't make a right.

As for saying that God supports you, mostly to make you feel better about yourself, where did you actually get that from? I can prove different. If you were serious about serving your God and living in the way he asks so you'll go to heaven, your deluded and your betraying him. Firstly because, you vowed to him as well when your got married. Secondly, the ten commandments quotes "number 7:- Thou shalt not commit adultery" If that's not enough proof God doesn't agree "number 10:- You must not envious of your neighbours goods. You shall not be envious of his house nor his WIFE or anything that belongs to your neighbour"

When is sex ever just sex? Your kidding yourself if you think that. If you are planning to just have sex and only sex with no emotions, come on now you all know it's not going end up like that.

As for being in love with the person you've been cheating on your partner with, is there really any point pretending that you'll have a lovely relationship with this person. You will never be able to trust them and they also to you as your entire "relationship" is currently built on lies ,deceit and sneaking about.

Being "very careful" wont help in the long run as it will all come out, at some point, a promise!

Take a step back and look at it all with a screwed on head, everyone wants to have a relationship with amazing sex but that's not the most important thing just now. Remember why you fell in love with your current partner......

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009):

Two years ago I met an older woman in work. She was eastern european and looked half her age. Her husband struggled 12 hour shifts to pay a mortgage for a nice house in her country, while she would have me over for hours of sex. What an ungrateful bitch. She was my first woman so I didnt know much about life. I had low self-esteem as well. I never expected anything to last, but was disappointed when it ended. I learned that cheating is normal, but destructive, like theft, or vandalism, its just a bad aspect of human nature. Now Im with a girl I love, and she loves me. Far from souring my current relationship my past experience has taught me that if you want to avoid cheating then you need to be happy in yourself and not be driven by a bad emotion like envy or bitterness. She told me that the reason she was cheating was because she was lonely. I didnt care, I was horny.

Now I wouldnt cheat. If a person is willing to betray the ones closest to them, imagine what they would do to you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009):

I am married for 10 years, since 23 yeard old.

Guilt? first time you will feel guilty but after that you don't feel guilty anymore.

When a married woman having an affair with other man, be it a married or divorse man, is not because she does not love her husband. She is just looking for fun. Some people they got married for too long, they realize they are so bored with the same routine lifestyle. same argument and same problems again and again.

If one has an affair with some one they love..... life will become happier.

BUT, if the affair did not turn out well... either one will become very upset. what can she do? she will still go back to her husband and her family.

better still, find another one. it is a very evil things to do but this is the only way to make her feel better after the previous break-up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009):

I recently have been in an affair with a married woman who was seperated from her husband. The guilt is killing me b/c I know her husband is a great guy who loves her dearly but just can't trust her. She got close to having an affair 2 years ago but didn't b/c she was married and he found out about the friendship. He filed for divorce about 8 months ago.

I recently found out that she hooked up with another guy while we were having our affair and was sexting another guy. She has broken off those 2 and says she wants to be with me when her divorce is finalized (just waiting on a court date, all the paperwork is signed) but I don't think I can trust her. Since I will deploy next year to Afganistan, I would worry the whole time what she was doing. She gave me all the passwords to her accounts but I know how she hid our affair by creating new email accounts and she bought a prepaid phone.

I love her with all my heart but I can't trust her. Reading this site has convinced me that I have to end it. I don't reget our time together but I will miss having my best friend in my life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

I'll tell you this...if you had any idea the amount of pain that the other people in your lives are going to go through when this comes out, you'd stop it now.

My husband of 26 years has had a midlife crisis affair with a co-worker...and has completely destroyed everything that my two grown kids and I have known to be true about this man and what he stands for.

This was a Christian man of honor and integrity...and now he's just the man who sleeps with his whore.

God bless you all, I hope you fix your lives before you destroy the lives of others. If you've got problems at home...seek help, not infidelity...it solves nothing and you leave a lot of hurt people in the wake of your b.s.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

I am in my late twenties and I am also having an affair with my boss who is 20 yrs older then me. He is married with kids. His wife is also seeing another guy, He has been totally honest with me from the beginging. I have started to have strong feelings for him also in this past few months, we get together every couple weeks and are very careful. I understand his situation and am patient on whenever he can make time to spend with me, but i do see him everyday at work as i am his secretary. We both know that this is just for fun and he will take the ride as long as he can which is fine and understandble. I dont feel guilt because i understand his situation and there is an excitement with him plus i like taking risks, its fun

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009):

I've been having an affair with a man (He's married also) for 10 years. I'm married too. Have I ever felt guilty about the affair....no. We both have been extremely careful, our intent is not to hurt our spouses or children. We find in each other what we don't have in our marriages. Divorce is not an option for either one of us. Affairs can be emotionally difficult at times, why do you feel guilty? Jealousy has no room in affairs, you know going in that the person is married to another. If she is choosing to spend time with you, then be grateful. Life is short enjoy the moments.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009):

'A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009):I had an affair with a younger woman in my office.." so who dumped whom?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009):

I had an affair with a younger woman in my office. It was a small office and we had plenty of privacy and alone time. It started with a text and led to regular sex at the office. I still can't believe that I did it (ethics) but I certainly do not regret it. It was intense and powerful. The sex was fantastic and we both understood that the relationship was entirely physical and would absolutely lead nowhere. Emotions are difficult to quench.

Follow simple rules (no personal contact - no emails, phone calls, text messages etc.). Never divulge the affair to friends or coworkers. Be careful.

Let her drive the relationship - but make sure she remains rational.

I would do it again in a second... under the same circumstances.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009):

I met a women through an internet service. we are both married. we ae both unhappy in our marriage but do not want to change our situations. to date no sex, just casual lunch etc. We have extremely stimulating chats with an unleashing of sexual frustaion on both sides.

My story is one of being married 22yrs, with a wife that has gained 80lbs+ since the time of our marriage. we alwasy had a good sex life up til the last 5yrs. Now its to the point I find myself repulsed by her appearance. I love my family, fortunatley I only have 1 child at home, the others are now young adults.

I am so torn, my wife knows how unhappy I have been with her weight, she recently told me that I either except her for what she is or deal with it. Now its a subject that she continues to skirt..no discussion...She thinks everything is ok...Rose colored glasses.

My only solution to satiafy my sexual frustration is to seek out another. This is were I find myself today..

I am having lunch with my mistress Monday and am nothing but excited.. Am I so jaded that I dont feel remorse?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009):

Married for 4.5 yrs with 2children.Affairs were ideas i found crazy to me till i met a single man 2yrs younger than i'm who fell head over heels for me.His an ideal man, wants my marriage to be intact for my kids.He's not ashamed to expose me to ever1 as his sweetheart.He believes everything happens at its own right time,our relationship was long over due.We have a strong emotional connection through cuddling and kissing,haven't made love yet.We plan to explore and let it go 2moro for the passion and love to drive us.We have 20hours to go.cant wait.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009):

Married women are very tricky. The come to you on very safe terms. They ask to be your friend and then the relationship begins. At first it is fine and then they start telling you their problems. As a friend you help and the connection grows. They begin to come to you for more and more of their problems and being a friend you want to help but the problem is your feelings beginning to grow and an affair is inevitable. She talks less to her husband and begins to look to you for support. At this point you are screwed, now the relationship has started and the marriage is being destoryed all because you wanted to help. If a married women comes to you for help tell her to talk to her husband that is his job not yours. To conclude this disaster she will not leave her husband for you. They have built a life together and it is not easier far easier to drop a lover then to get divorced. STAY AWAY from them and don't listen to their lies. They just want to use you and fill a void in their lives. You will be left sad lonely and empty. All because you decided to be a friend.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009):

I am in my 20s and on the verge of hooking up with a married man 15 years my senior. It is just an absolutely insane attraction for both of us and neither of us can stop. We're gonna hook up in about a month for an afternoon and its gonna be crazy. I'm going into this thinking it is only banging and he has been completely honest with me. I'm also so glad that this hasn't turned into a bash fest of his wife and kids, I don;t wanna have any illusions as to what this is. Both of us know we're going on a fast train to nowhere but we're going to enjoy the ride. He is so sexy, I just wanna ride him all night.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009):

i was married for 11 years like all and i say all marriges we had our problems. my wife decided to have an affair with a guy becuss she felt i didnt love her. well i found out right away and it crushed me and the kids (2 daughters).

i tried to forgive her she promised she would end it but 3 months later i caught her again so i divorce her and kept the kids. now 2 years later she trying to come back i would not take her becuzz i dont trust her plus she still works with the guy she has been seeing.

all i can say is eventually you will have to pay a price and when you do it will be ten times worse just ask my x wife

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009):

I recently became involved with a young woman at work. The problem is i have been married for nine years and have kids and she has a boyfriend at the same job.

A mutual friend told me she was into me but i resisted intitally, but both the woman was so persistent, and i was indeed attracted to her. Our time together is fun but im always paranoid about getting caught, and sometimes quite guilty too.

My marriage has long been boring and we have drifted apart considerably, and our sex life is dull. I know i should get out now but im beginning to suspect i may have feelings for the other woman.

This is the most complicated situation i have ever dealt with. It's like I know i need to get out but can't bring myself to do it. I dread having to go back to my dull marriage with no hope of ever meeting someone else, and i dread having to get divorced and possibly lose my kids.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009):

how would you feel if you found out your wife was having an affair once month? If it would hurt stop it. You made a commitment, stick by it make your marriage work!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009):

Hi, I've been seeing a married woman for over a year now. I'm in a long term relationship myself with another woman. The way I see it and not trying to be vague is that I'm looking for fun and excitement the same way she is. If it had not been me then it would have been someone else. To be truthfull, I see her 3-5 times a week and were very careful. There's no risk seeing your married woman 1 time a month. Also I feel that the affair gives her time to mend what's wrong with her marriage. I sense that when I'm with my married woman as her husband does not give her the attention that she craves for including the bedroom.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009):

Right now, the married woman I'm dating is typing this up. This is the secret, you must express yourself fully to her, yourself, and God.

Do not feel guilty; If you feel like its a problem begin to work on yourself. Once you start working on yourself you will see that this not a process that will last forever.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009):

I am a married woman that had an affair with a man for 8 months. My husbund found out , and it was completely off. I never contacted him for a year and a half. This is partially because I became sick and found out a year later I had celiac disease. When I became better , I had a desire to see him again , more or less to put this behind me. I saw him, then months later my husband went to California , I knew it was safe and decided to contact him and see him. And the story goes....... It has starts all over again and I am really screwed up. I love him, but he doesn't love me. At one point I wanted to leave my husband and he said, no that he did'nt want to break up a marraige. Now he wants to keep contact because he says it is special to know there is someone out there that will always be there for you, and everyone needs a fantasy once and a while. He says he knows we will never be together. But to him this is great. I think I know why, he doesn't want to commit to any woman and this is a convenient route knowing I am married.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009):

I am in this situation for over a year,I am single,but feel very guilty about her husband....it is very stressful

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009):

Quite a few people here seem to start their affairs at work...I was nearly the same. I am a happily married man with children and when I started a new job I came to meet an older married woman, to whom initially I paid no attention and who held no attraction for me. As time went on she grew on me, slowly I started thinking about her more. She was incredibly flirty, she had a much older husband but she was obviously still looking for fun. I had been married 9 years in that time I had never even though of straying but somehow this woman had got to me. I started to become interested and wanted to get to know her better a thought that so terrified me that I started avoiding her, I literally hid from her at work. I made sure that The relationship never got past 'hello' and a 'smile' but I am so ashamed that I even had such feelings for a woman other than my wife. A thought that protected me from wrong doing was imagining this woman's husband at home and how I would contribute to his misery, also thinking about the pain my own wife would suffer. It was really tough to pull myself away from this woman and basically ignore her probably sometimes in a cruel way especially as I was developing strong feelings for her, but it was for the best. sometimes life throws you these tests, eventually I left the job, I never said goodbye to her, I binned her number, and thanked god I had not made the biggest mistake of my life. Men are weak, it starts with a smile and unless you are emotionally really strong and able to control your feelings ends in the bedroom, I think I was lucky and I am pretty amazed at how a woman can make a man fall for her so expertly, if this is happening to you resist the temptation, resist the thoughts that say 'we'll just be friends' or 'we'll just meet for lunch' or 'I'll pop around to your house one evening for dinner' it's all heading towards one thing...an affair!! stamp it out before it begins, leave your job if you have to, move town, change your number, all drastic actions but the alternative consequences of a wrecked marriage don't even bear thinking about in comparison...this is a warning from someone who has seen how powerful attraction can be, you forget that there are other people involved, you cannot beat this attraction, but you can manage it by taking drastic actions and removing yourself from the situation however hard it may seem.

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A male reader, whatTheDeuce United States +, writes (12 October 2009):

Same situation here in Vermont- its really bizarre, extreme connection/chemistry overlaid with fear and guilt. I am not cut out to be a sneaking around type and can no longer do it. It would be a different deal if she were just a fling but I love her and now have to love her enough to let her go while she figures out her marriage (or divorce) This is one of those times were I 'knew' the right action but had to see for myself. Now shes angry and I've blown up a longstanding friendship. Best thing I can do now is try and right the wrong.

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A male reader, NN2271 United States +, writes (8 October 2009):

I just ended a 2 year affair with a married woman. Her husband had cheated on her a few times so I felt I could justify my guilt this way. Marriage is a man made institution. A marriage is a contract and contracts are broken everyday and no one is going to hell for them. When God envisioned marriage it's beginning and end was determined by the heart not a court of law. In my case "Unchastity" or infidelity is the only thing in God's eyes that he see as grounds for divorce. My experience is this. I have read all these posts of married people doing whatever the hell they want to do and hiding behind their marriage as a reason not to be with their lover. It's always people, like us, who make ourselves available to them by opening up our hearts and then we hear an excuse to not be with us. I decided to force the wife to tell her husband. I wasn't looking to get laid. I thought she really wanted to change things and I made myself available to her for nearly two years so she could but she would just make excuse after excuse for staying. I understand a mothers "sacrifice" for her kids but now it's not a lone sacrifice. That sacrifice should have been made a long long time ago. So I told her if you are going to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of the kids then why don't you resolve your issues with him and work on your marriage instead of stringing me along for nearly 2 years? I felt it was important to be faithful to her after all she had been through with him and his infidelity. In the end she was forced to tell him and she stayed. Now though, instead of holding on to hope, I know there is none. My advice is the ones who date a married person is the one no one cares about and the one who's going to get hurt so I turned the tables on them. I didn't want things to end that way but people who make their own beds need to sleep in them. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009):

my wife cheated on me some years ago. Since then things have never been the same. life has brought me to a full circle. I have met someone I care about deeply and really love her but she is married as well. I never thought a kiss could have so much of an impact but it did.

I know its hard not to follow your heart.

Just think the emotional pain you can bring is 100 times worst than getting shoot. I know I have expericenced both (cheated on and a bullet in my leg (Iraq)). One more thing think of a successful affair in history. I cant think of one, they all bring more pain than true love.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009):

Me and She known each Other Since past 5 years. First we were Neighbours.But I liked her from the First Site.she was married with kids.. Husband use to stay out for Business.. We started talking But only as a friend. But i know she knew it that..

And we are in touch since that time.. Now we are very far .. few dayz back i proposed that i love her.. But she still did'nt accepted. But i know that she loves me a lot..Lot more than anyone.. And she will accept one day.. But she is very much afraid..

About her I have No words to describe. She is the Most Wonderful lady in my World. Very Noble,Humble,Kind,Helping,beautiful,charming,smilliing,sweet and many more ..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009):

After reading the many posts I cannot belive the amount of people who are willing to condone the act of having an affair. The person who is married is bad enough but the single person involved needs to grow a spine and do the right thing! Where is your dignity, your shame and why when you are feeling guilty are you not listening. The guilt alone tells you it is wrong, and for those affairs which involve children ....shame on you!! Imagine that person that you 'love' falling for someone else in 5 years time, how would you feel? Do the honurable thing and step back, leave this person to sort out ther issues, without clouding their judgement any further!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009):

im 28 and married.me and my husband are in long distance relationship because of work. just after i married i met this guy..it was love at first sight. it seem we know each other for a very long time.. he so understanding.. at start we just a friend.. but later it turn out to be more than jsut a friend. we fell for each other. there are guilt for cheating on my husband.. i never felt so much in love. i feel so shame and hate myself sometime. but i cant hold my feeling anymore. i confesed, we make love.. it was the most wonderful experience i ever had. we start to see each other everyday and night. "im really happy.. i find myself in him, i find happiness, his realy my ideal guy. he so perfect" .. deep in my heart i stil love my husband and wanted this marriage to work. i lie , i cheat but i wont leave him because i promised him i will spend the rest of my life with him. about this guy, he know and he understand my situation. he always told me that his love me so much.. he will keep loving me.. even when we apart.. even one day he get married with another women.. we still will love each other.. the relationhip will never ended .. is just stop & pause. a promised he make.. that our love will always stay in our heart till we met again in this life .. or after life.. i love him so much.. it hurt to think i be leaving him one day and return to my husband...

love you max.....truly deeply..you are the one.. always be.

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A female reader, vermont United States +, writes (30 March 2009):

Not big deal. I have been seeing a co-worker for 6 mos. We have together for 5 years and finally we clicked. I was interested in him, he in me but we remained co-workers, each afraid of affecting our jobs. One day, I stopped by his house to drop something off. His wife was gone, we sat and talked. As I was getting up to leave, he approached me- bumped my arm. Sparks went off- we embraced and made love on the floor. We have been getting together at least 4 times most weeks since. It has been an incredible relationship. There is no guilt. We are each married but enjoy each other's company. I am not guilty- neither is he. We both - naively probably- see this as a long term thing. Who knows though.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009):

Im 23 and in a similar position ... I met this married women , one and a half month back in my college.

She is married n 22. When we met we started seeing each pther n within 20 days she told me that she has a b/f out of her marriage from past 1 and a half yr. and she wants to leave him bcoz he is always spying on her.

She is married frm past 1 yr only with no children

Her husband also doesnot treats her well and has tried to harass her many times.

After a month she tells me tht she loves me and wants to be with me. I told her that first she shud leave her b/f and her husband. Now she has left her b/f but doesnot wants to make meet me. Im in past 15 days have been always thinking about her and tried to contact her but she says me to leave her alone. BUt lat night she message me that she regrets loving me but she misses me a lot ..??

What should i do .. should I go back to her or try forgetting her which is not so easy..

Help me...

Anonymous

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A male reader, patrik Philippines +, writes (26 February 2009):

i meet this woman online. at first, it just a simple his-hellos, good mornings-goodbyes. but i felt strange. it just as i know this woman already. aside from chatting, we send SMS and we talked on the phone. I'm married and she also. we fell in love to each other. we been on our 17 months in the relationship this month. we met thrice. we have considered talking and planning on leaving our spouses and we live together and also to a our own kid.

we know that this is wrong and its very complicated but we just love each other so much.

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A male reader, patrik Philippines +, writes (26 February 2009):

i meet this woman online. at first, it just a simple his-hellos, good mornings-goodbyes. but i felt strange. it just as i know this woman already. aside from chatting, we send SMS and we talked on the phone. I'm married and she also. we fell in love to each other. we been on our 17 months in the relationship this month. we met thrice. we have considered talking and planning on leaving our spouses and we live together and also to a our own kid.

we know that this is wrong and its very complicated but we just love each other so much.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009):

I am so surprised to see so many posts here on this topic. After all, we are human, we have desires that sometime it takes control and lead us to somewhere where we are not suppose to be.

I am a married woman with two children, I was married very young and was never closely attached to my husband. I have never experienced orgasm from my 17 years of marriage. I had affair with a guy at work who is 8 years younger over the past two years. We enjoyed each other very much. It ended recently when he getting serious to start a family. -- he is doing the right thing, I have children to rise. And I am responsible for it. I am not available to spend the rest of my life with him although I would love to if I am single and younger!

All the time we had together was wonderful…

I do not feel that much of guilt because my marriage situation, I think life is too short, at least in some point of my life I have had someone that I really loved and enjoyed spending time with. Though, The real pain is that when it ends, it is Unbearably painful. But I am doing better each day. I know I will be over this. We can still be friends. There is no rose without any thorn.

It is not uncommon, things like this happen all the time, weather it is a good thing or not, I think it all depends how mature you both are and how you view this special experience in your life. I see it positively and treasure it with my whole heart.

Am I going to do this again? No, because he is the only one, I am back to my really life and will have a smile on my face when I think about him. – I do wish him happy with his life and remain young and handsome forever.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

I am married just started going out with a married woman I met online and it seems like it's love at first sight.We seem to click in every way and while we have discussed whether it's possible to leave our partners,none of us want to do so now.

We really are fond of each other,maybe in love but do feel a sense of guilt.Her husband is visiting right now so she is alone but I have to make excuses at home to be with her.We have not had sex yet but the heavy petting and I know the sex will be good.It's too early to say we will stop and I sure as hell don't wish to.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

I stumbled upon this thread as I'm being presented with the option to delve into something like this myself. In all honesty I feel like it's a really risky thing to do.. and I feel like the potential gains are much less great than the potential losses. But like many posting here I think we are all in love with the idea of reaping all the benefits and suffering none of the losses.

The woman whom is lusting after me is an attractive woman 8 years older than myself (i am 25) and she has been married with two kids for 10 years. It is common knowledge that the marriage is just for the kids at this point and she speaks about it very vacantly. I recently just broke up with a girlfriend of 1.5 years and am feeling the lack of the emotional support I had become accustomed to. So far we have provided each other with some of that support in a friendly way.

This of course all changed the other night when we ended up talking on the phone until 6am. Then the next day (today) we've started with the dirty talk.. and here I am, pretty much right in the middle of some sort of fling with a married woman.

Honestly.. I'd seen this coming, or at least have seen the possibility of it coming for awhile now.. and the entire time just knew i would never take it that far. But now of course I see myself considering and almost planning to do it. I've talked with her about the ramifications of it.. of the need for it to be short and finite.. of the potentially disastrous nature of it. So I guess I feel like it could work fine.. she agrees that we can't become attached and that the marriage has to stay intact and that we have to be able to go back to friends after the brief but intense sexual aspect of it is over.

She is a very smart and independent and responsible woman, she owns her own business, she is very educated and etc.. so I feel like if we're both smart and upfront and honest with each other about it.. though absolutely not fail-proof, it gives us better odds. This of course is all what I say know.. when I am filled with lust and excitement. I'm really confused with myself at this point. I have other woman I can date.. talk to, and I don't love this woman, she just gives me some of what I need right now, and I think I give her the same. I really don't want to hurt anyone.. I am so very confused.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008):

I am having affair with thai/Lao girl I met while spouse of my wife (I have 2under 10 children) We stayed for 3 years and the affair started with the Lao lady who is 9 years younger than me, in that time (about after one year of being here). My wife was posted to another country, At first I went with her but stayed only 3 months. I came back to Lao and rented house with Lao girlfriend. I have lived with her for 2 months and then went back to wife, left again and came back to Laos for nearly months and again back to wife and now back in Lao. Heres the twist, when I got back my Lao girlfriend had moved hers belongings out of the house and I am being told that its all over by a mutual friend and she has left town. Now is thia a blessing in disguise. I was too weak and gutless to move from wife (unhappy, sexless, loveless, no communication) usual I guess. i fall in love with the lao girl and I am overwhelmed by love and affection. Now she has left me and I know the best thing is to grow up, get a life and do the decent thing and go back to my wife and kids but am so happy when I am with the lao lady. On one hand I think hey long time dead why not enjoy life when you can I am 44 and not getting any younger. A mid life crisis yes am sure , but what to do? My gut insticts are two ,(1) leave my wife and family and move to Lao get job and be happy - maybe

(2) Go back to wife (assuming I could) and grow old with the woman i dont like and visa versa.

Please advise

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A male reader, echo123 Canada +, writes (24 May 2008):

what can i say...i am in the same boat..but not...you see I believe that it is better to love someone you can not have then to have someone you can not love. Life takes us in strange places and for some they follow their brain and others follow their hearts. Doing the right thing all the time looks good but does it make you feel good. Follow your heart and let things fall into place as they should.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008):

ive known this woman for about six months, but three months ago we started getting closer till a month ago we started simple touching like sitting side by side on a bench. i admit this was doomed from the start but i love her and have heavily invested so much feelings in her. she has said she will never have sex with me or do anything that will hurt her husband and her 2 kids. after giving this alot of thought, i know that i can never make her leave her family for me. but at the same time, i loved her too much to let go off her. thus this continues.i know im wasting my time and the feelings of loss assail me each time i remember shes married and wont end the marriage. but i continue in this state. is this what love really is? to give up your own happiness for someone elses or jus something stupid and futile? i tell you the truth, i dunno.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008):

I would like to thank all that have responded here. You see I too have been having an affair with my high school sweetheart of 30 years ago. We developed a foundation then and recently we picked up where we left off. Yes, I have fallen in love with her. Yes, she is in a shaky marriage.

Up until this evening, I hoped upon hope that she would leave her husband and kids to start a new life with me.

But you know what?? As much as I am in love with her, and as much as I envision us someday being married, there is only one way out of this with a happy ending; I am letting her go to either fix her marriage, leave her marriage, or do nothing and stay unhappy.

In any case, it will be her choice. I have chosen to stop contributing to the heartbreak of a husband and 2 kids, and the responses I have read here tonight are the reason why.

Thanks ,

Rick

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008):

I am currently in a situation with a married woman. The couple are neighbours who live across the hall. Over a few months we became friends, but as time progressed, it was just myself and her going out together. The husband knew we were but didn't stop her or come out with us. Still nothing happened because I knew she was a married woman.

Then about 2 weeks ago, we had an emotional connection, and held hands for the first time. 2 days later, she broke up with her husband and asked for a divorce. She said the divorce has nothing to do with me, as she was unhappy in the marriage and had tried breaking up 3 times earlier; and even had an affair several months back. Yet, the timing just seems to coincidental.

Even before her husband moved out, we ended up in the sack; literally across the hall in the apt block. He was probably home while we were doing it. Guilt never entered the picture at first, because it was a secret.

He did move out several days ago, and then yesterday he found out -- he broke into her email and learned all about me through very incriminating emails. Clearly he hates us both.

And that's when the guilt steps in. An affair might be secretive and fun. But people get hurt. I can't imagine the pain this man is going through now; and I feel very badly for it - regardless if I am the reason or not for their breakup. I knew him, had a few drinks with him, and I feel like I've betrayed his trust.

As for the woman ... she wants to be with me. I'm being very careful, because I'm not sure this was more than physical attraction.

All I can say guys, is don't do this. You can't escape karma. And as much as you desire her, the guilt is something terrible and it lasts longer.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

I am a boss who has fall head over heals in love with one of my assistants - a married woman. She turned on the charm and the flirting from the start, hinting all the time that she was not happy with her husband, who is a fat, not handsome, but very decent and a kind father to their 4-year old daughter and an utterly devoted husband. She is lean, beautiful and unbelievably sexy. I have never known such a sexy, charming woman. She can also be kind. She is not honest however. I have not pursued a relationship because I know is it wrong, but she knows I have strong feelings for her. She has told me that it will never be possible for us to be more than friends. But then she flirts with me and is insanely sexy -- to the point where I fantasize only about her and there is no other woman for me.

The situation has gotten out of hand.

I think about her all the time. I think about her more than I do my new girlfriend, who is kind, sweet, nurturing and genuine. I am writing this e-mail to you all at 3:05 am. That's how far out of hand it has gotten!

I tell myself that maybe this will just be innocent flirting and nothing else. I have made a few scenes already, getting angry with her over trifles. Before this gets out of hand I need to do at least the following: Not have a big emotional investment in this person, who is playing some kind of game with me; enjoy the flirting, enjoy the situation for what it is and not seek to make it anything else....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008):

I have been having an affair with the woman of my dreams...emotionally, sexually...she is the one. She has 2 wonderful kids, and i know more about her than her husband will ever.

I love her, love at first sight seems a joke to say the least these days, but we proved it wrong...I LOVE U SUNSHINE.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008):

People in the west always are worried about ruining their relationship with an affair. In Europe we do not take it so harshly. We understand it is just physical pleasure and so do our women. God created man and woman as a sexual entity as long as this co worker is sound of mind and you both are mature etc etc etc..... men and women enter into an affair because something is missing in their lives, weather real or perceived. If you are having problems at home work to correct them with your wife and the affair will become less necessary s time goes on this is true for all marital problems. if you just want another woman long term then you would be better served telling your mate.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008):

What the answer to your question should have been by the first person that posted is, that you should be honest with your wife. There is so much deception that can enter in when involved in affairs. Also, the first posters answer sounds a lot like the guy who used me when I thought he was someone who really cared about me, but it turned out that he was having affairs with many women at the same time and spreading diseases. I started figuring him out during the affair without letting him know I was talking to someone about it to try and put the pieces together. I was already in a abusive situation and this guy took full advantage of my vulnerabilities so he could use me. I later found out that he had been watching me throughout the years and just waited me out.

Having a relationship that involves dishonesty is dangerous.

If the person you are seeing is a honest trustworthy person, they would atleast wait until they were divorced and not live a lie.

What happened to me was emotional rape which is something that haunts me and the man who set me up believes I am to blame because I found him out. He has no remorse.

He filed false charges on me and tried to sue me afterwards because I wouldn't stay loyal to him and protect his lies.

He thinks I exposed him because he broke up, when indeed I am the one who confessed way before he knew it.

You maynot even know the person you are with at all.

If you do and you really care about them, then encourage them to be honest and if it is meant to be, you'll find your way back to eachother one day.

Lies only lead to destruction.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008):

Well if you're having an affair with a married woman or thinking of having one I'd say good luck because more than likely its gonna end very badly. I just got back from filing a police report because the woman I was having an affair with became very upset with me because I had second thoughts and decided to end it. She then told her husband, presumably to punish me because the guy is a push-over, she controls him and could undoubtedly convince him that she was without blame. So after the two of them took turns calling me and texting me for two hours with threats of killing me I had no other choice but to report it to the police. Granted, I probably deserve anything just shy of death, but the harassment was out of control. Sex is not that important, and this situation has made the whole thing far from worth it. It was easily avoidable, but I wanted to test my luck because it felt good. Dumb. Now I have to make sure I never run into her or her husband again for the rest of my life, I have to worry about being killed or beaten, and live with this guilt of having possibly ruined a home. So like I said, I wouldn't recommend it.

... And I know I don't deserve it, but wish me luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008):

i just wana say thanks to everyones comments here,i have recently had a tiff my my GF, and i finished her, although i still have feelings for her, i got offered to go to see an older married woman, as she likes me, and i was supposed to be seeing her tonight, i have been feeling a massive amount of guilt and have not been knowing what to do, but when i think about what i really want, i want to be with my GF, i could never cheat on her. so i've just literally rang her up and told her it's off. the guilt has just vanished! i'm soo glad i read this forum, just needed some insight and advice =)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008):

I've just read every post below this question thinking that someone's answer or experience would provide me some shred of guidance or hope. I have been seeing a married woman from work for about 4 months, whom I've known for 5 years. I know her husband well and have hung out as a group on many occasions.

I am totally in love with this woman, and she has fallen in love with me.

I never would have planned, or thought I would allow myself to be in this situation at all... but it has happened and I am consumed by it at all times. A reader's post below speaks of the guilt and pain she goes through to make time for the single guy... but I feel no guilt, only sadness when we're apart.

I feel the time is running out for me to tolerate the situation - I can't imagine being in this situation for much longer let alone the multi-year experiences people on this thread have, but like I said I would have never thought I would be here in the first place so who knows.

Best of luck to everyone below,

Just another stupid man.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

I've been in an affair for almost 6 years now with a married woman. For the last 2 years I have lived alone in a new house, and become increasingly more attached to alcohol and tobacco as a means of dealing with her not being there. I wish I knew how to move on, but now the feeling of being completely alone scares me a lot. The problem is, we have nothing to say to each other, and the writing is on the wall that we need to stop seeing each other, calling, waiting for the right moment to be together which is virtually non-existent. I'd say if you can walk away, do so. I wish that it was that easy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008):

I can commensurate with the guilt and unnerving ordeal you are contending with at this phase of your life. But let me update you a little, I have been a divorced bachelor for 20 years, and the rules have changed dramatically since my marriage dissolved in 1988. In days of yore, we separated from our spouses and then embarked on these affairs, mostly with single women, but those rules have changed some since I was a Nuevo bachelor.

What is the present trend is the "Transitional Relationship" not unlike the earlier encounters we embarked upon 20 years ago. These transient encounters were short lived usually less than 90 days and we moved on to a new one. Of course this was after we made the break. The first year out was hell and you drifted from one encounter to the next on the quest to find a soul mate. The rules have now changed the transitional relationships "affairs" begin before the marriage ends. During this time the woman usually discovers that the world outside is better than the jerk to which she is presently married. This transitional stage may last a few years. You have a lot of fun, because it is sex without strings, but be assured of one thing 99% of the time she will drift on to another leaving you high and dry. The marriage usually goes bust, but you will most likely not be the "waiting in the wings" significant other it will be some other "Johnny come lately" You are not aiding and abetting the demise of her marriage, it's already beginning on a destructive path that will ultimately end in dissolution.

One thing that hasn't changed in 20 years is "Crazy Time" actually a well written book by a journalist in the mid 80’s; I'd suggest you read it. A woman in the state you describe will go though a few years of temporary insanity and you my friend will be left high and dry. My advice is limiting your degree of emotional investment in this person; don't fall in love with her, as your heart will be broken in the end.

With all the glitter and fun this type of affair seems to have, in the end you will be left out in the cold. Take an old idiots advice, what you are is not a lover, but more a transitional experiment. It is highly unlikely there will be a happily ever after ending to your story.

I'm not being judgmental but telling you the facts, I've been in your shoes, and what’s at risk is your feeling and emotions when this ends. There is now gender inequality. Historically, we men had mistresses that we used as sexual objects to cheat on our wives. The ERA has changed that, woman now hold powerful positions, and are no longer mistresses, but we are their masters. Think about it friend, if you admire this woman and have an action plan then embark on her escape plan, if she fails to commit to an action plan then cut your losses, it is your emotions, that will be salvaged in the end. I agree a cheating wife is a great lover to you the "Forbidden Fruit" but for all you know she could be rigid and frigid with her present spouse. I hope I've provided some insight into your dilemma, as I am presently in the same situation.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008):

i,ve been havin an affair with a women from work for 3 months but she used to be a school mate we hooked up at a christmas function we,ve been working in the same school system for 10 years and never met till know we both had a secret crush on each other when we were younger well nature took control or went out of control we,ve decide too be apart because i was having marital problems already well the guilt for my wife and the wanting to be with the other women was so great that i had to tell my wife because she new something was wrong and i couldn,t take it anymore well we will be applying for a divorce know the other women we have broken up because i can,t end my marriage with another women in hand there,s no guaranty that she will be there when this is over but we,re going threw it my wife deserves better then me she will never trust me again which hurts more then you can imagine i,ve screwed up many lives in the process including my daughters which i will never forgive myself for there,s no way of dealing with it but think before you act

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007):

I am having an affair with a married woman. We don't work together. She works at a store that I service. We have been seeing each other for 3 months and says she will leave her husband in a month.We see each other every day and talk on the phone all day.We have talked about marrige nd having kids together[she has 4 I have 1]. I love her alot and she says she loves me but she acts like she will never leave him. There is an 18 year age difference[she is 23 I am 41]. I am friends with her husband but I don't feel bad for him at all. He is always yelling at her and degrading her.I feel he doesn't deserve her and I do. The only thing he deserves is to lose her to me.If she leaves him and we get together I will know how to treat her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007):

you poor thing, and such a shame you have to hear such religious nonsense to add to your already bad feelings, if only it were a choice then you would have chosen someone who fits in with everyones plans. Nobody else can understand your situation apart from you and her, nobody else can know how you both feel and tell you who you should and should not love. I think the counselling thing might be a good one as the counseller I saw suggested I had a relationship outside my marriage as after so many years together it clearly wasn't working for either of us. It did help, met the love of my life, and although the porcess of divorce is difficult people do survive and go on to have happy relationships again and 2nd wives/husbands. You will usually find a good cousellor (but ask her religious viewpoint first) will help you deal with your feelings and not judge you. A life coach might also be worth considering if you feel you need to make changes and need support doing this. Good luck with it all.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007):

i am a married man of 18 years 3 kids with . 4 months ago i met a married woman with 1 kid on the internet who lived in a neighboring state. Things moved quickly thru email, chatting, phonecalls, and then finally meeting at a halfway point for a day long rendezvous at a hotel. We have met 2 times and will be meeting again shortly. I have never cheated on my wife and if you had asked me about it a year ago I would have laughed at the thought. This woman is about 10 years younger then me, beautiful, sexy, dynamic. The most shocking aspect to me is my lack of guilt...where is my guilt...where is the conscience that I thought would never allow me to do this? I know it's wrong but i don't want to end it. Like a tree falling in the woods, if no one is around does it make a noise? If my wife and her husband never find out does anyone get hurt?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007):

I have tried to end an affair with a married woman for months but the feelings are too strong. Trying to be friends is very difficult. It eliminates the guilt, but the pain of loosing an intimate connection is horrible. I think ultimatley it was weakness on both of are parts. hers at not trying to establish that connection at home and me holding on to one that i know is wrong. i just try not to get angry at her or depressed at the loss. Its a matter of recogizing that this person can not give the love you really want. and they will not accept all the love you can give. Move on and open your heart to someone who can give their love to you. The hurt will not last forever. And forget waiting deep down you must know that is a waste of time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007):

I've recently just started an affair with a man who lives with his gf. I have a partner too. I dont feel guilt and cos of that it makes me feel bad and stresses me out. I worry constantly about my partner finding out.

I don't know what to do. I know I should end it as me and my partner have a real connection and I dont want my relationship to go to pieces but at the same time I cant stop myself. I know me and the other guy have no future but I cant stop seeing him no matter how hard I try.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007):

I am 39, and am in a similar situation for about a year-and-a-half. Except that my girl and I get together 1 or 2 times each week. Guilt? Yes. Physical upside? You know it as well as I do.

I felt guilty for the first few months, but the more I learned about her husband, the less guilty I felt. Now, there's none. This may sound callous, but the only time she feels loved the way she wants to be loved is in the little time we get to spend together. She is incredibly beautiful, yet her older, obese husband has no desire to have sex with her - only boss her around 24-7. With me, she has a guy who genuinely tells her everything she wants to hear, satisfies her in bed, and encourages her to do anything she wants to do.

Your partner may not have an imperfect marriage, but when you ask yourself (and maybe ask her too) why you exist as you do in her life, maybe your guilt will go away too. I hope so. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007):

So I ended up getting involved with a married woman while I was still married about a year and a half ago. We shared everything and fell in love. I left my wife, but she remained with her husband. She proclaims how much she loves him and me too, but she cant leave him.

The twist in this tale is that I recently found emails between her and one of her co workers. quite explicit. She wrote it off as "healthy banter"... but I am sure that she has begun an affair with him too because of her curiosity. All the tell tale signs are there like they were with me along with the associated gut instinct.

Even though I am not the husband and she tells me that I have no right, it hurts to be in this situation as she lies to her husband to be with me and she may be doing the same to me just to keep me or out of fear that I will tell the husband.

Has anyone else heard of this scenario of a married person seeing more than one person outside of th marriage at the same time?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007):

I am in a similar situation. I have been having an affair for about 2yrs now. I ran into an old boyfriend a couple of years ago and that is when we talked hashed things out and the affair began. I have 3 children and have been married for 10yrs (some good some bad). He is married with one, and to complicate things we work together now.

I am clueless about what to do. It just helps a little to get it out. I have never done anything like this before and it is killing me inside, sometimes i just want to lay down and not wake up but i think of my kids and i know i have to end this thing i just don't know how. I am sorry i could not be of help i just needed to get it off my chest.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007):

I am married and have been having an affair with a single partner for two years. Yes.....I think it is much harder for me. When we're apart..he is simply waiting for me to show up. For me...each time we are together I must create some sort of lie...some sort of plan to make the space and time in my life for him. Most of the time I feel it is worth it because of the great passion we have. I want to end my marriage. My husband is a good man but I got married without knowing what it was. I gave into pressures of society. I turn off the guilt when it starts. I don't want anyone to hurt. It is very difficult because there is no one you can share this with. I don't think he realizes what I go through to be with him. He doesn't know the added stress for me. I love him though and do not want to lose what we have.

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A female reader, Ms Kay United States +, writes (18 November 2007):

Hello, I have been having an affair with a married man for 1 1/2. I work for him and sometimes find myseld in strange situations. At work we never let our relationship get involved. Everything we do is strictly after work. I recently had his child and that's what make the situation harder. I see him with his family sometimes, but I find him with me everyday. I sleep with him at night and have to walk into work the next morning and he's right there. I sometimes feel guilt but I never regret what I am doing. If his wife was doing everything right then her husband would not do anything to put their marriage on the line.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

I have had an affair for over a year with a married woman. Its a strange situation because her husband knows we are friends. She tells me she loves me, but wont leave because of her young son. He is a preteen, and she feels destroying his life is more than she can bear. I broke it off recently and she is very upset, as am I. I love her, but I hate the secret life we live. I feel like if she can do this to a man she married, why wouldnt she do it to me? I am single so I am not guilty about my love for her. I am pissed that I cant share my love with her out in open. We are connected on every level you can think of. I have spent considerable time with her and her husband and nobody understands the relationship. They are so different that its scary. They dont even sleep in the same room. I am thinking of keeping the friendship, and seeking a new relationship. Any advice would be appreciated. I guess the part that hurts the worst is that I dont know if I beleive in marriage. Everyone I know is miserable in their relationship. The objective reason I see is that they married young before they grew up inside. Now that they are mature, they realize that they have nothing in common. This woman and I have everything in common. I wish she and I had a family together. It will never happen so I dont know why I waste my time.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007):

Hi, just wanted to throw my two cents in as well, I've been emotionally involved in an affair with a Married woman that I have contact at work with, with some sex and such on the side, for nearly a year now. The guilt tears her apart after everytime she stops by my place, and my near obsessive desire to make her mine drives me in circles. I love her though, not that I couldn't find other love, it's she's one of those people that you're born compatible with, makes it hard to stay away. I'm not going to, i'm waiting for her to divorce her husband, now I'm not saying i'd marry her, but maybe live with her. Have as much fun as you can, this life is way to damn short.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007):

Hi:

I have been involved with a married woman from work also.

It was a relationship no one in their right mind would have entered into.

Yesterday when I came home there was a message on my answering machine stating she wanted to end the relationship.

Even though I know this is the best thing that has happened to me in seven months it hurts real bad.

That sorrowful felling that one gets in their heart is so intense right now that I wish I could die.

Are all men this stupid?

How do I act and what do I say come Monday morning when I see her at work? Can one turn off the emotion and try to be "just friends?"

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007):

I have been having an affair with a married woman from work for the past 9 months. She is about 15 years younger than me. We have known each other for 8 years before we started this affair. I know her husband well. We actually used to work together. I know their children, and my wife and family are invited to all of their family gatherings. Should be awkward right. Not at all. A few years ago, she told her husband that I was her fantasy. She has told me many times her husband talks about me when they are having sex. She has even called her husband by my name in and out of the bedroom. He told her it would be ok with him if we had sex as long as she told him about it. So far she has not told him. We see each other almost every day, and have sex 2 to 3 times a week. I do feel guilty at times, but not enough to put an end to this. I do love her, and would leave my loveless marriage if she said the word. We both have children, and that is all that holds us apart. We both take care of our kids and put them first.

One little awkward note. She has told her mother about us. Her mother would actually like to see us together and has watched all the kids while we sneak off.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

I'm having an affair with a married woman. We've been together (close) only once at this time and have not had sex, but it was an affair as soon as the talk turned against her marriage as far as I'm concerned.

She has a family and I do not. At first it seemed that I had little to lose and so much to gain emotionally by her "love" and attention, but I'm losing a lot else at the moment and feel as sick as one should feel in this situation, due to thoughts of her family.

I resisted her for a few years but felt no longer able to resist despite obvious complications. She has no intention of leaving her family and I have no plans for a "hostile takeover" so to speak. We've just had a long history of mutual attraction and have acted on it.

Well, I stumbled on this thread needing to spill my guts and have done it. Even after reading the responses, I'm still not 100% that I'll end this, but I've been told more than once that a bigger man would say thank you for the love and attention, and then leave her to her family and life.

It seems that whether or not I deal with the guilt, my body will do it for me: Like I said, I feel sick.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007):

I began an affair with a married woman while married at the same time. Just like so many of the responses listed here, we were one another's "love of their life", we had a very emotional and passionate affair, we both left our spouses at one point...a carbon copy of what everyone else has said..There are so many similarities it is scary but somehow comforting..

In the end, I divorced and she is still married (guilt over children, is in an emotionally abusive relationship, all the other common things) and I can tell you, the guilt was enormous when I was married but now its not. She chooses to maintain the relationship with her husband for certain reasons and the one with me for others. It really is "simply complicated" as that is how these things always are. there is no simple black and white answer. My situation has taken a million turns (as I am sure yours probably has too). You just have to look inward to see what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to accept.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

You need to consider if there are children involved in both side.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007):

I have been having a affair with a coworker for 8 months with sex and a emotional affair with him for a total of a year. I am married, but seperated with children and he is very successful with a wife and kids of his own. We both have good jobs and it is not a option for me to leave mine. But we have ended our affair again. This is the 3rd time. Last time the guilt was so bad that I ended it telling him that he should work on his marriage the breakup lasted 3 days. Now he has broken up with me telling me he is so confused and feels so guilty. He told me he can't go on vacation with his wife without feeling he needs to be here etc... We realize that this has got to end. So he has decided now is the time. I am not ready yet. I feel so sad and rejected. When does the hurt go away? When does this get easier? I felt we had so much left to do together.How do I see him and work with him and know that I can't even touch him? any suggestions?

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A male reader, meridian United States +, writes (18 April 2007):

I was in a similar situation until recently. I met her at the office. We sat next to each other and hit it off. She was sexy and attentive. So attentive, in fact, that she pursued me relentlessly for a couple of months. I liked her, enjoyed her conversation (and attention), and asked her out for drinks after work one night, and we ended up in my bed. From there, we saw each other often - at least a few times a week. But I always retained emotional detachment - she was married and had children. After an intense year, she left me for two weeks. I tried to let it go... but cracks appeared in my defenses. I missed her and eventually contacted her and she came back. From there, it was off and on. A new guy, well, a longtime friend from her childhood, returned to her life and she retreated to him for comfort and advice even as I would not commit.

Then, divorce entered the picture. She would retreat, return to me. Finally, I committed. Told her I wanted to build a life with her. I took the leap of faith. After all, it was what she'd wanted all along. I saw my future, and as the divorce pressed forward, we were together.

But... she became everything she never wanted me to be. Our cultural and racial differences had never bothered her. But after a single argument we had, she found the catalyst to discard the relationship and the commitment. "We're too different!" she proclaimed. And she went back to her "friend." And she is with him now. Even as we stay in recurrent touch, she's with him now. She can say "I still love you and miss you" to me all she wants, but she is not here. I was devastated. Getting better now, since this was recent, but I saw my future shrededed by her, after I gave her everything she'd wanted from me.

So, this affair only gained in intensity as time went by. But instead of staying with her husband and children and being with me, whom she claimed was "the love of her life," she is now out there with someone else (of the same culture). It is so difficult to lose that constant attention (near-worship, actually), the affection, the uninhibited sex, and the idea we'd generated of our life together.

Here was an affair that seemed was going to end with the two people together. True love, right? Well, be careful, and always keep the guard up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007):

So I meet this woman when I was 18 she was engaged we started to have an affair, she got married we continued to have an affair. The affair just sort of stopped we were out of contact for 9 years.

I meet someone else I was with her for 8.5 years when I meet up with the married lady (now with children) by sear chance. The affair started again, my 8.5-year relationship broke up.

The affair is still on going; she won’t leave because of the children. I think I’m being used.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007):

I know your situation well. I met this girl in 1984 and we both were at a young age. We both were from different states but we stayed in touch through letters and phone calls through the years. In 2000 we finally opened up to each other how we felt about the other all these years and the feelings were mutual. We both agreed that we had always wanted to be with the other sharing life together. The problem now was that I had been married for 9 years and she had been for 3 years. In 2001 we agreed to meet and see what happened. Well, we fell in love with one another right off and shared a secret life together for six months. She broke it off when she found out she was pregnant because she was scared how she was going to explain it to her husband and didn't know for a fact whose it was? The sad part is that she ended up having a miscarriage. We talked for about a year after that but then just stopped talking all together. In late 2006 she called me up after 3 and a half years and told me that she had made a mistake and loved me and should have never walked away from what we had. She is still married to the same person but our previous get together caused me to get a divorce.

We have been currently seeing each other again for 5 months and she has left her husband twice to come down and stay with me for a few weeks at a time but keeps going back trying to find a way to leave him but also feels scared to leave him. I don't feel guilty for being with her because she is married because we both know we belong together and we know its right being together. What I hate and that hurts me the most is that she keeps going back to him but hates being away from me. She says she loves him but shes not in love with him and they have had no physical contact in three years and feels like she is living with a roommate or best friend rather than a husband. I am having a hard time dealing with her saying she wants to be with me and telling me she loves me but can't leave him. He controls her and her sister has told her that also but when she leaves he talks her into coming back making her feel bad. So it's killing me inside to be with her and I can't so if you love this person don't feel quilty about it. I love mine and I have no quilt.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007):

Love is a verb so it is not just an emotion, it is doing and being-action. People miss this. So love is a choice, you can feel it but what you choose to do with it, to develop, foster it...is one's choice and they have the power to use discreation as to if it is appropriate to take an attraction or lust and equate it to love.

Love is pure and holds no malyce, no falseness, no dishonesty, it is sacred and should instill in others peace and happiness.

I declare affairs are a violation to the true value and worth of love that is between husband and wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007):

I am a female who is married and just started having an affair myself with a guy I met in college who is twelve years younger than me. I think the guilt is definantly stronger for the married one. There are times I break down and cry the guilt is soooo bad. It's really not something I can discuss with anyone I know, so I am glad I can air this out here. The guy seems not to feel guilty at all and said that I should do what I like since my marriage isn't solid anyways due to an absent husband who works out of town. I also have 2 children.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007):

When I read things like this I get confused. Why get married in the first place? Marriage is special becuase it is exclusive-between two people, not three, even if the third one is recoginzed by only one of the partners. The reason you feel gulity is because you are guilty. You are betraying a woman that you promised to love and cherish when you married her. I hope the guilt never leaves you, because in the end it should spur you to do the right thing. Sadly, woman who don't know how to treat their men right: respect them; admire them; shower them with praise and smiles and flirtations; and dress pretty-often find they have husbands with roving eyes.Good luck to you. And if you don't have a wife who knows how to meet your needs and you still leave this woman-you are a champion in my eyes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007):

I disagree Malyce, I don't think we do choose to fall in love, otherwise we could all just fall in and out of love sensibly and appropriately.

It happens regardless, like getting angry or upset, what we do about it is a choice, but feeling it is not. xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007):

You CHOOSE to fall in love like you choose to become upset or angry- that whole mentality of a parent who screams at a child and tells the child they are making them angry...give me a break. Control your emotions and don't let them control you.

To say you didn't want it, it just happened? Yeah right.

We all have free agency. We get to decide how we excercise it so don't be lame.

What is ownership?

And being dishonest, lying, hiding, concealing...is not love. Love is pure and embodies all that is good, truth, beauty.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007):

You can't help who you fall in love with. It just happens. But, if she is not willing to end her current relationship to create a greater one with you, then I think you should try to ween yourself off of her. Your guilt is coming from her marriage to another man. If she sees ending that as the best thing, then the guilt will go away.

I'm a married man with several kids and have fallen in love with a coworker, who've I've worked with for a long time. We are great friends, but the attraction has grown feirce. The bottom line is that the world is not black and white. There are a lot of gray areas. And, I can also tell you that it is possible to love two people at once. I still love my wife very much, but have completely fallen for a friend of mine.

I'm not religious, but I went to church today for some reflection and it seemed to help. Confide in a close friend. You need somebody to help you through this. If you try to do it alone, you will go crazy. You also need to have a serious heart to heart with her. You both need to share your feelings and let each other know what your perspective on the relationship is. Hang in there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2007):

Oh MY GOD!! are you nuts?!? this isn't the only person in the world that you can fall in love with. THIS ONE IS NOT FOR YOU!! she is TAKEN. dont ruin her life.

you can find a woman who will love you and only you unconditionally, return the love you will have for her.

you will never have this woman 100%, and you will never be 100% happy. LEAVE before you get hurt. if you care so much about her, leave her out of this guilt, let her work on her marriage, let her try to save it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007):

Hi anon,

I agree with AngelofLove. Not entirely, but enought to say that I feel the same way. This is by no means advice, simply my two cents, so take it as you please.

I am in a strong relationship with a married woman. We see almost everyday, and make love often. Sounds very very wrong right? Her husband is a guy I know but not well. From what I see and hear from her, he does not take care of or adequately meet many of her needs/wants. On the other hand, I had a girlfriend at the time we started. The same situation applied to me, but I still felt guilty. Luckily my girlfriend and I were not married, and this is what's funny; I broke up with my girlfriend so I could be more fully 'immersed' in my 'affair' relationship. It is rather pointless to tell you how much I love this woman, or how emotions as strong as this coupled with sex can cloud all senses. But I dealt with MY guilt by being clean and loving her only. Of course everyone would think that if she truly loves me she will leave her husband and come with me. Anyone who's ever had a strong affair knows it's not that simple and this isn't a soap. If your love leaves her husband for you, good for you. If its 'complicated', well your not alone.

But if you want to deal with guilt, clean yourself up (only you know what's dirty on you) and love her with absolutely no regrets. Do your best and if all turns sour, remember you did all you could.

I'm sure there are people who will disagree because I'm encouraging you to love a married woman. Well, look at it this way. She's married, but she loves you (im assuming), she chose to keep this up (or at least agreed to) and that just means you give her what she wants that she can't get from her husband. If it's just sex, then I would tell you to leave after a while... but if both of you are entangled and totally engrossed with each other, hey, wait for the divorce. Honestly, theres nothing wrong with a little more love in the world, and Lord knows I'd make sure MY wife is happy through and through. It's tough but thats unconditional love, wanna lose the guilt, then try it. But its tough...

Good luck Anon.

Anon2

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A male reader, agony_uncle_r United Kingdom +, writes (18 March 2007):

how do you deal with the guilt of ruining another mans marriage?..

simple

you end it with her and tell her if she doesnt love her husband enough to be faithfull then she shouldnt be married

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007):

Hi! I can understand how you feel. I am sigle and have an affair with a married man. I live in another country and we meet and live together when he goes abroad on biseness. Sometimes I feel horrible because I do not want to hurt anyone but I can not stop our relationship which lasts already more than 5 years because I love him. I do not know what to do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007):

Deal with the guilt by ending the sin.

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A female reader, AngelofLove United Kingdom +, writes (16 March 2007):

AngelofLove agony auntOf course the physical side is good, you keep it fresh and exciting every four weeks.

Regularity does not matter in terms of guilt, you are still doing wrong.

Leave her alone, she is married. If she does not want to be married anymore (clearly she is not happy) then wait for her to leave her husband then meet up with her.

To carry on as you are will only get everyone hurt.

A choice has to be made here. It is not fair on the husband who has not done anything wrong.

Hope you make the right decision.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007):

How about counselling to address this guilt and while at it, your need to use a woman to distract you from your pain or unhappiness or to fill and emptiness and dissatisfaction.

Once that can be addressed, you won't feel the need to rely on women to fix this pain/emptiness inside of yourself.

Then you won't have to go out and do things that will bring more pain and guilt into your life.

Be better than this.

Stopping any addiction...yes this has symptoms of an addiction...was Mom or Dad an alcoholic? Or offspring of one parent or both being alcoholics?

Stopping is easy for us to say. We aren't in your position and we don't feel what you do. We don't feel compelled to make choices that have such dire consequences attached to them.

How about taking control of your life and some ownership and get some counselling ASAP.

Best Wishes.

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A male reader, sad father Australia +, writes (16 March 2007):

Been there I hated it........

I left her....... now I am married I do not even remember her ...... except as good in bed.........

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A male reader, Dagwood South Africa +, writes (16 March 2007):

Dagwood agony auntHi Anon. Having an affair is wrong so guilt is one of the side effects you choose to live with! Are you married too? If so you're also cheating on your wife. In my experience these things always end badly with all parties getting hurt and landing up with more feelings of guilt and remorse. My advice is not to live with the guilt but stop the affair now! Also both you and your lover should have a deep look inside yourselves to find out how you could live with this deceit all this time. Look at your principles and values in life and try and set things right in the future. What’s done is done but you can do things different in the future if you choose to! I'm sure you'll do the right thing! Cheers.

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