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I am having a serious clash with my boyfriend and I'm looking for some advice please.

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 September 2012) 10 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am having a serious clash with my boyfriend and I'm looking for some advice please. I was raped about 7 years ago. It was very brutal (the guy was on a lot of drugs and had a knife) and it took me a long time to get myself back on track and feeling something like my old self again.

I started going out with my boyfriend 3 years ago. He knows about what happened to me, and things have been great with us until recently when I discovered he started smoking weed regularly with his friends. Apparently he used to do it at school all the time but quit before he met me. He has now joined a new band where they all do it, and basically now he smokes any night he's not with me and occasionally before we meet. I found this out about 6months ago.

The problem is, weed is a major trigger for me. The man who attacked me smelled very strongly of it, and now every time I smell it I get panicky and occasionally suffer flashbacks. I have told my boyfriend many times how I feel but he is refusing to stop, saying he doesn't think it's a big deal and he can't see why I object to him doing it when I'm not there. This really hurt me as he has seen me have a flashback and how scared I was, yet apparently smoking is more important to him than my wellbeing. Whenever we go anywhere now, I am constantly on edge thinking he is sneaking away to smoke (which he has done a few times, but not always). I love him so much but I can't see a way forward for us as there doesn't seem to be a way to reach a compromise. I am due to start counselling again since it looks like my PTSD is back (which actually seems worse now than when it happened), but until then any advice will be much appreciated. I just want my lovely fear-free relationship back :(

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (13 September 2012):

You're welcome, OP. Everyone has weaker moments so don't feel bad when that happens. It's natural. I'm happy to hear you're taking steps in taking care of yourself.

I just want to add that with this drug problem your boyfriend has, it's probably not be possible to get the relationship back the way you want it to. That's not because of what happened to you. If any, it exposed the extent of the drug problem your bf has. His uncaring reaction to your reveal is very unusual for a normal loving person, but very common for people who abuse substances.

I know what drugs can do to people, even a 'minor' one like weed. It's not something to be underestimated and if you haven't been able to get your bf to change in 6 months, I don't think it's going to happen at all until he realizes he's got a problem. Since he's fully in denial right now that could take a long, long time.

Whatever you do, do not sacrifice more of your wellbeing for him while he hasn't shown the slightest bit of compassion. You've been very lenient. Do not tolerate more of this. Please look out for yourself OP. Keep us updated on how you're doing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012):

Thanks maverick494 :) You are totally right about me giving him too much power, I think I was having a bit of a pity party last night. From now on I'm going to try hard to get my positive attitude back, then hopefully the counselling can build on that. Thanks again to everyone who gave me advice too :) x

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (11 September 2012):

The scumbag who raped you is not taking your relationship from you. Your boyfriend is. He is choosing drugs over you. That is bad on it's own, but the fact he doesn't care your PTSD is triggered by it shows how far he's truly fallen. He's not in control anymore; it's the drugs that rule him now.

Do not give that scumbag rapist the credit of causing you this grief as well. You can't allow someone to have that kind of power over you. These relationship problems are your boyfriend's fault and only his. He has a serious drug problem if he's lost all ability to emphasize with the person he's supposed to love.

Please leave him, OP. He's not the guy you fell in love with. For now, that guy is gone. So put your own (mental) health first, by leaving him and working through your PTSD issues with your counsellor.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012):

Thanks to everyone who has commented so far. I think I know that ending it is the only way to go but it's so hard when we had an almost perfect relationship up until now. I can't believe the scumbag that attacked me is going to take something else from me after all this time :'(

In reply to the anonymous person who refers to paranoia and insinuates that I am trying to control him - I appreciate your comments but please consider this. I have asked him not to smoke weed around me, and to me that means either when I am there or if I will be there later, whereas to him it means 'if I'm not in the same room as him'. As previously mentioned, the smell is the trigger so it makes no difference if he sneaks out the back to smoke - I can still smell it on him and it can cause flashbacks (this has happened at 2 parties so far). My fear of him doing this is based on the fact he has done it before and therefore will likely do it again (especially as he doesn't seem to think I'll notice or understand the link between him smoking and my reaction). This is not paranoia, it's a trust issue based on his previous behaviour.

In terms of the 'prison' comment, I have tried for 6 months to get over this fear but I have been unable to do so on my own. I am now going to go to counselling to try to save us. I could just as easily have ended the relationship right away, eliminating the trigger altogether, but I decided to try to find a way to make it work instead because I love him and this relationship means so much to me. This has meant facing terrifying flashbacks and panic attacks on a regular basis - definitely not easy. I don't agree that it is controlling to ask him to play his part in helping me get through this.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (11 September 2012):

I don't think he's going to change, and I think because of that your best bet is to leave. He has made his decision, and clearly his decision is that he wants to be a drug user, whether you care or not, or whether he cares about you.

I don't see how this can be fixed, so I think rather than torture yourself and continue with him until you leave him, you might just as well save yourself a whole lot more pain and leave him now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012):

"He can't see why I object to him doing [weed] when I'm not there" - neither can I. Why would he agree to convert your relationship into a prison? Why do you feel you're entitled to tell him what to do when you're not together, especially if it's so important to him?

"Whenever we go anywhere now, I am constantly on edge thinking he is sneaking away to smoke" - you're having issues here. I'm posting it anonymously, so that I can admit that I also had my paranoia treated, but yours seems a bit more serious. I also dated a wonderful girl who'd been abused as a child, I know what flashbacks are, but you have to deal with YOUR health before. What you are demanding of him is very, very much. You love him very much, but I don't see anything about him - he seems to have chosen what he wants.

It may be the time to move on. Getting mentally prepared and perhaps making the move yourself will hurt less than being dumped.

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A female reader, Candid Cally United States +, writes (11 September 2012):

Do you think he would agree to attend a joint counseling session with you?

It is possible that going to the counselor together will help him understand how detrimental his smoking is to your mental health. If you can convince him to attend, the counselor can act as a neutral party and this will allow both of you to discuss this freely.

Please, talk to your counselor and see if he/she would be willing to work with both of you (if your boyfriend agrees).

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A male reader, Replacement Canada +, writes (11 September 2012):

Replacement agony auntHe sounds like an insensitive manchild to me. He has no excuse to be doing this to you, he knows your history and he knows it is triggering for you. I have had relationships with abused/raped women before so I know firsthand what a rape flashback looks like. From the point of view of a boyfriend, it is one of the saddest and most frustrating things to witness and try to handle. It always made me want to find the guy who did it... If I knew that I was doing something that caused my lady to experience those feelings again I would never forgive myself. I certainly wouldn't keep doing it.

I think you've given your relationship with him a fair try and my advice to you would be to consider your mental health as a priority over the relationship you have. If he's not willing to stop smoking weed to preserve your hard earned stability... he's not much of a man.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (11 September 2012):

Fatherly Advice agony auntDrug users never see it as a "big thing". Sooner or later a drug user will lose everything in their life, because nothing is more important than the next high. Your Boyfriend is going to lose you first.

You can't be with him. Every meeting is triggering a panic response. The answer to him is, Sorry this has to be this way. I love you , but you have chosen the company of bad friends over me.

The sooner you cut him off the better chance he will see it your way. Or, the sooner you can get back to your healing.

FA

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A female reader, franny1297 United Kingdom +, writes (11 September 2012):

franny1297 agony auntlook honey, you love him right? if he loved you he would stop this, or at least tried. Tell him to try and quit. Besides smoking weed isn't good for him either. Tell him that if he doesn't stop he's not going to be with you anymore because clearly he doesn't repect your feelings about your tragic past. Try to get someone councelling, it'll do you good, and remember, try try try to forget, i know it's hard and i'll never understand how painful it is but start again, start fresh :) also if he still smells of weed, bring your favourite smelling perfume everywhere you go with him, spray it on your finger and rub it between your upper lip and nose. hope it helps :P

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