A
male
age
41-50,
*ldo
writes:I got divorced ten years ago and thought my world had come to an end,however,after a year of trying to find a new life partner i met a fantastic woman who had also been divorced around the same time as me.To cut a long story short we have been living together for the past eight years very happily.During this time we naturally got on to the subject of each others pasts.She told me she lost her virginity at the age of twenty to a married man,she knew it wasnt right but the affair stumbled along for about a year and a half when she realised she had to get out as she felt she was being used.She eventually achieved this by leaving the country and stayed on a Greek Island for ten weeks with friends.When she came back home she started dating a guy,moved in with him and finally married him, they had two kids and were together for sixteen years until the divorce. For my part,excluding my wife I had ten other sexual partners but I told her only of three to try and keep things fairly even.Just recently after one drink too many, I was pushing her on the Greek thing and she admitted that she had met a guy about one week after getting there,started dating which led to having a full sexual relationship only to find out after about six weeks he had a fiancee who was coming over to the island so he dumped her.That is the sum of her sexual past.So what is my problem I hear you say.For some reason I have been having a real problem with this,I have been making her feel bad about herself and I cannot understand why this thing is eating me up. My head keeps filling up with visions of her having sex with that guy in Greece its turning me into a different person not the happy go lucky guy I normally am.I know I am a jerk but I cant stop these visions.This has been going on for about a month now and she could have told me to get lost but she is so loving towards me she just keeps reassuring me it means nothing to her and all that matters is us.I have no right to judge her,I love her and want to spend my life with her giving her the love she deserves,so could someone please help me get rid of these stupid thoughts and visions.
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affair, divorce, fiance, married man, sexual past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, aldo +, writes (25 November 2010):
aldo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi every one who answered,
You all came up with similar type answers and I suppose I knew all that, but was needing someone to give me a shake and tell me straight.Thanks for doing that.
A couple of points,I only told her about three previous partners as I am not particularly proud of my past and didnt want her to judge me on a time in my life I would rather forget {what a hypocrit I here you say}.Also I have never been bothered by retroactive jealousy before and just needed some straight talking,so thank you all again.
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Considering that you've lied about your own past, I'm afraid you having a problem with her past is a little difficult to justify.
I'd recommend taking her on a vacation to that Greek island though. Maybe it'll help you realize what you mean to her and she to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): I do have sympathy to some men who are jealous of their partner past but you? oh come on! it is pathetic. She's barely been with anyone, you been with lots of people compared to her! give her a break
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): What is wrong with you?!
You had more partners. You have lied thru omission by not telling her about SEVEN OF THEM! And you have the nerve to deliberately make her feel bad about ONE? Shame on you! You are hurting someone you claim to care about...Why are you being so childish?...does it make you feel less guilty about your lies of omission?
Go and see a counselor...you need to.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (25 November 2010):
You can't get rid of them, you just have to learn to deal with them and accept them for what they are. They are a product of your own insecurities. Do you temporarily feel better when she reassures you? If you do then this proves it an insecurity, rather than some moral belief that you have to justify your view.
Also consider this - you're not being entirely honest with her about your past. In fact i would say you are hiding quite a lot! Imagine if she suddenly fessed up to having had sex with another 7 men? You are judging her based on your OWN behaviour.
You know what though, it's a really sad case to hear that after EIGHT years this issue has come to light. I think though on this road to getting over this issue you have to continuously remind yourself that the issue is YOU and NOT her past. I'm sure something like this has come up before in your life? If you really think the relationship is going to be damaged by your issues then consider seeing a therapist?
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (25 November 2010):
Get over yourself please. She has done nothing to be ashamed of at all. Most women do that many guys and 4 days, yours it taken her life so far to do 4 guys. You need to thank her.
What's about this greek guy that's bothers you so much? Do you think you're better than him reason? I would just let this go he probably was ok just taken. You know the whole person now so accept her as she is, trust me she na never undo it so let this be dude in move on.
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