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I am feeling really neglected by my boyfriend and I'm not sure whether I should cut my losses now, or whether there is anything I can do to change this situation because I do love him.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 June 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 June 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Basically I am feeling really neglected by my boyfriend and I'm not sure whether I should cut my losses now, or whether there is anything I can do to change this situation because I do love him. I am 26 (he is 24 so maybe it's because he's younger?) but he hardly makes any time in his life for me at all. We have been together for 3 years now, and he has gone from being really attentive (at the beginning) to seeing me around once a week. When I am with him he is really affectionate and loving which makes me feel like everything is ok, but it seems as though as soon as I leave he forgets about me for a few days. He is also very bad at making/keeping plans with me, and will often cancel on me to spend time with his friends intead.

I have tried to explain to him that this makes me feel like he doesn't really care about me or the relationship, but his opinion is that if he didn't want to be with me he would say so so I have nothing to worry about.

I kind of think that after this amount of time I deserve a bit more commitment and consideration, whereas he seems to think he can do whatever he likes when he likes. An example of this is that I asked him to go on holiday with me this year and he said he couldn't afford it. No problem there, but he has since booked to go to 4 music festivals (one abroad), a boys holiday to Benidorm and a weekend in Amsterdam. I am more than happy for him to see his friends (I have my own life too) but I feel like if he can find time/money to see his friends, why won't he do the same for me?

I have read a lot of information saying I should show him how I want to be treated by refusing to accept poor treatment etc, but I am the least assertive person ever (I also have very poor self esteem which I think might have something to do with how I feel) and I don't know where to begin. Thanks, S

View related questions: on holiday, self esteem

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom +, writes (10 June 2012):

BettyBoup agony auntI've been in a similar situation to you, except my ex was always good to talk to me. But like yours, he seemed more interested in spending his free time with his friends, playing games than doing anything with me. Also he went on trips with his friends, but didn't want to do the same with me. Sucked.

I ended up leaving him. But I am like you. I have low self esteem and struggle to assert myself in relationships to ask for what I want. I also think I needed to fill up my life outside of the relationship so that is wasn't under his feet all the time when I was with him. But it's different for you, you only see each other every few days. I would talk to him. It is scary and hard to assert yourself, if you are anything like me, but you will have to try to learn someday if you ever want to get your needs met in relationships. He is not thinking of your needs as much as he is thinking of his, but maybe you are not shouting loud enough. Stand up for yourself and tell him you are hurt because he told you he could not afford a holiday with you but has since booked holidays with friends. This makes you feel as though you are not important to him and not worth anything to him, and you don't want to be with a man who doesn't appreciate you and your needs. See what he says.

If you try your hardest and he still seems blase, you will have to leave him, because your self esteem will suffer. Maybe spend some time and energy working on ways to improve your self esteem and communication skills, whether you stay with him or not. That way you will feel more confident expressing yourself in the future.

This guy is taking you for granted, but he is a young bloke and perhaps he does love you but this is just his idea of how a relationship is meant to be. But he needs to learn a relationship is about 2 people and you are one of them.

Good luck hun :) it is hard, I am very similar to you. Just try to be kind to yourself and make yourself happy. That way a relationship is a cherry on top. That doesn't mean you should put up with anything though. You deserve to have the relationship you deserve and it is not unreasonable to want to share a holiday with the man you love :( stupid men!

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (8 June 2012):

oldbag agony auntHi

Yes,cut your losses and break free. This lad is not ready for a relationship,his priority is himself and his life. Fair enough at his age, he just likes the idea of a girlfriend waiting for him, which you have up to now.

If you want more,which most girls would, then you won't get it with him. Just let him go, so you are free to find somebody new. Your friends will help you get over him cos thats what friends do best! Maybe book a holiday with them?

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (7 June 2012):

I'm 24, and my girlfriend is older than me. There's no way that I'd behave with her this way, and there's no way she'd accept it.

I'm sorry to say that you're going out with a guy who really, really isn't ready for commitment. He's really just a young guy who wants to have his cake an eat it - he wants his friends and a single lifestyle, and he wants to have a woman waiting for him.

He can't have both.

The way I see, he needs to go live his own life and learn from it all before he can truly commit to any woman. He has no idea about you, no idea about relationships and to be honest, you might as well not exist in his eyes because he's so focused on everything else.

Ditch the little boy, and go find a man. That's what you really want. And it's what you deserve. You do not deserve to be treated as you are now.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (7 June 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntI went through this two years ago and it wasn't any fun. My advice would be to move on. I tried talking to my ex about this in a responsible manner and he either ignored me or told me that all I did was complain. Yet, he could barely give me 5 minutes of his time (literally). But then when I would tell him I thought it was time for our relationship to end, he would say that wasn't what he wanted, blah, blah, blah. The problem is that apparently a lot of men/women like the idea of being in a relationship, but they really don't want the responsibility of being in a relationship. By responsibility I just mean actually thinking about another person and taking that person into consideration instead of just going about their lives like they are still single. What happened to me was that we had a terrific relationship for 6-7 years, then he checked out. If I am going to do everything by myself and for myself...what is the point of wasting time on someone being in a "relationship"? I'd might as well be single and happy than supposedly attached and miserable. That is just the way I look at it now because I was a lot lonelier with him than I am now without him. I was in love with him too...and still am in love with the person he used to be. I just couldn't see living a miserable life. As far as changing the situation, I could have talked until I was blue in the face and the situation would not have changed because HE wouldn't change. He did not want to make things work...he did not want to work on the relationship and was not as invested as I was. I agree with some of the other posters that you should tell him how you feel in a mature way. If that doesn't work, I would leave. I don't know how many times I gave my ex a chance because I wanted him to care. The fact is...some of us care more than others and some of us love more than the other person. I agree with AuntieEm...he won't change unless it's important to him. If he doesn't...you have your answer. My personal view is that men should WANT to see you and be with you. If he doesn't...then you should move on. That is how I had to look at it.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (7 June 2012):

AuntyEm agony auntHe is young...maybe not ready or not mature enough to be in a committed relationship and I think this is why he is behaving in this way.

It's fine that he's affectionate and loving when he's with you but that could be because he wants to get his leg over but out of sight, out of mind so no wonder you are feeling crappy.

I also think it's real shabby of him to avoid a holiday with you but blow his cash on trips for himself...says a lot about where his priorities lie and highlights again his non commitment.

You have low self esteem already, I think staying with him is going to make you worse.

People don't change because you ask them to or tell them to...even if they can see you are broken hearted, nothing will shift them unless they themselves decide to change...this guy isn't playing seriously or fairly...

I'd give him the boot and focus on yourself for a while.

Being in a relationship isn't going to save you and being in this relationship is making you unhappy and unsettled...

Let it go!!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 June 2012):

Honeypie agony auntWell I think he is 1. taking you for granted and 2. wanting to be single. Because he SURELY acts like a single guy.

I see nothing wrong with going on vacation with friends. But telling you he can't afford a vacation with you and then turn around and book several festivals and a vacation with the "boys" that is just wrong.

Benidorm is like one of "the" party centrals in Spain. Lots of nightlife. Same with Amsterdam.

I would sit him down and talk to him (face-to-face) Tell him how it makes you feel. And then I think you need to focus on things that makes you happy in your life. He really doesn't seem to WANT to put the effort into the relationship, obviously he thinks showing up once a week is enough? You NEED to verbalize how you feel and what you need from him. Maybe he isn't willing to give that, maybe he just have no clue.

And yes, it's easier to say don't accept people to treat you poorly, can be harder to actually NOT allow it. I suggest you start small. Like expressing how you feel. Don't expect him to be able to read your mind. And don't say:" no, it's OK " if you don't feel that way.

You obviously trust you BF a lot. I have to give you kudos for that. So talk to him. See how it goes.

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