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female
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anonymous
writes:Do you have any advice on getting rid of a FWB that a guy I am dating can't seem to get rid of....this has been going on for 4 years, and I think we are falling for each other, but she won't let go.I have been in a relationship with a younger man for several months, I have put up with a woman who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder calling me and confronting me in person about the guy I am dating saying that they are together and that he is just using me....however, she is his landlord, so he feels he can't get rid of her as he has to keep on her good side to stay in his place, but he is not in love with her and they are just friends, although he admits to hooking up with her in the past.....and I suppose he might in the future....He has some issues right now that are financial in nature that are holding him back from being in a real relationship, but we are very close and getting along great, he finally told me he loved me the other day for the first time.....we don't have sex very often, we started that way and he was very passionate about me, even spent a whole day making love to me once, but recently he has stopped that as he says he wants to get to know me better and is afraid of it causing fights because I am getting attached to him....and he wants to stay single???? This after this crazy FWB called me and told me that she had sex with him recently, but he claims he did not.....I know dating is supposed to be about getting to know someone, and we haven't known each other long enough to make a commitment, but it is very confusing to me because I have never really been a FWB and don't want that type of relationship so I respect that he has told me that he does not want me to think he is using me for anything including sex, he cares about me and cares about our friendship....But I think he loves me and I am falling in love with him, what can I do about this destructive woman, I think she is holding him back from me, and I know it is hurting me and my trust in him and what he is telling me about how he feels about things.....I know this seems weird...it is to me as well....Any thoughts or suggestions? Is it too late? Do I just move on and decide to keep him as a friend only without benefits? We are very attracted to each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): It is possible he is still with her and lying to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): That's great that he is a wonderful dad and its too bad that he has got all these financial problems but I think you are missing the point here. Your original question had nothing to do with his character as a father or as a financially unstable person.
Your original question had ONLY to do with this other woman and how you feel like she is holding him back from you. But the truth is that if he really loved you he wouldn't let any woman or problem or anything hold him back from you. Maybe he is having you believe that he is this innocent bystander with alot of problems and she is a beast and that there is nothing he can do about it because he is so full of problems. What's worse is that you actually believe this. And that is why I previously asked you if you were really that naive.
But apparently you do beleive these excuses. In fact you seem to justify everything about this guy with the excuse that he has got many issues therefore things that should be untolerable you will tolerate. For instance, you say "he doesn't want a relationship because he is financially unstable." That's a good one. But its an EXCUSE. It doesn't matter how financially unstable they are, if a guy loves you, you will be his girlfriend. And you are only fooling yourself if you believe otherwise. My ex boyfriend had alot of financial problems when I met him. He too had to ride a bike. Was in debt. Beleive me he had alot of issues of his own. But when we fell in love that was it. I was his girlfriend he was my boyfriend, his issues became mine, mine his, but it didn't matter. We were inlove. No amount of problems on my part or his could change that we wanted to be together. Your boyfriends "problems" seem to me to be an EXCUSE for him to date you without commitment (AKA no commitment means he can date other women too, which is the topic of my next paragraph).
You also said that he hasn't told his landlord to f*ck off after she insulted you the reason being because he is financially unstable?? If everything else about this guy seemed honest, like if you two were committed to each other, he was definitely your boyfriend and a good one, then I would beleive him on this one, that maybe he really is just trying to keep the peace with the landlord. But as I can see that this guy is not as honest as you think and is full of excuses, I think that he hasn't told his landlord to f*ck off probably cause he's sleeping with her. And why is this so hard for you to believe? Has he slept with her before? YES. Is he your boyfriend? NO. If he is not your boyfriend that means that you are not exclusive. If you are not exclusive that means you both can date other people. Believe me that if he has told you that he doesn't want a relationship it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he has got a million problems (EXCUSE!). It is most probably only because he wants to date other people. Why is this so hard for you to believe?
Problems don't hold people back from having relationships. If that was true every single human on earth would be single. You think he is the only person with problems? Everyone has got problems. His are no more special than anyone elses. The real reason that he doesn't want a relationship has nothing to do with his problems, and based on what you have said, I have a suspicion that he might be player. And that's why he doesn't want a relationship. That's all. But problems? NO.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, well I understand how a mature guy would seem to not come with any drama, but life is not always that black and white or simple is it? He has had a serious health issue that caused him to wreck his car and he did not have insurance on it because he is struggling financially due to child support and back child support that he owes his kids mom....he lived with her for a couple of years and supported her through the pregnancy, etc, but when they could not make a go of it she broke up with him and stuck him with back child support even though they lived together...he did not have any proof really of supporting her financially I guess...he is a responsible dad, very attentive and keeps his kid every single weekend is very loving, etc....he is paying the person he hit money for the damage to their car and has gone through legal battles to establish custody rights for his kid...he doesn't make a big income but is a hard worker and good at his job, so he is doing the best he can given his situation....the house he lives in is shared by a roommate and he has very low cost rent so in a way I see his predicament with this girl being the landlord and their past history.....he has been honest with me about her.....and he isn't using me for sex or for any financial reasons, we have just beome very close.....so I wish he did not have this drama, but he seems to be mature and trying to take care of his problems, he is going to buy a better car and get insurance on it when he has enough money saved, currently he rides a bike, takes buses and asks his coworkers and roommates for rides.....kinda sad, I know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Wow this guy must be something real special to have two women fighting over him. But let me ask you something. Are you really that naive that you believe this guy is an innocent bystander while this "bipolar beastly" landlord is causing all the problems??? Don't fool yourself, cause he is the main culprit in all this drama. And I haven't got an ounce of doubt in my mind that he is playing you both. I'll be honest with you. If I was dating a guy who got me involved in this much drama JUST in the first few weeks of dating, that would be more than enough for me to be done with him. There is no way in hell I would stick around any longer to find out what else is in store. A guy who actually cares about you and is mature enough to be worth your time, generally comes with no drama. Dump this loser.
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