A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a boyfriend. He's married man and i love him very much. The problem is i understand there's nothing he could do that would be like dating a normal single guy. but i cannot live without him and i believe he loves me too.We have been together for 2 yrs now and i think some problems are starting surface. Initially i didn't mind anything about his family at all. But now it seems that i am starting to mind it more. Like when i knew that he is taking his wife overseas for a holiday at the same time he is posted overseas for work ( 1 week ), i start to wonder what will they do there? will he be loving to her? Will he forget bout me? Is he happily enjoying with her?I know i shouldnt feel this way but i cannot help it. He is almost my first bf as my first and only relationship prior to this had been more like a puppy love. I kept how i felt well under cover cos i know it would upset him very much if he knew that i am startin to feel upset bout his family. I promised him not to ever be bothered by his family but now it seems that im having a hard time doing so. Am i stupid? Instead of demanding him to divorce or take some actions to accomodate me. i Actually encouraged him to be with his family..When his wife was diagnosed with illness, i even went to the extent of collating information for him.I felt really sad wen i see him down and upset by it..but i do feel sad bout it wen im alone..Why am i behaving this way?Is there something wrong with me? Am i a shameless woman? He has no fault in it at all cos he didnt lie to me bout his status the day we went together.He is not a bad person. infact he is great. but i get easily upset more n more lately cos i feel like the sharing is gettin immense..Though he tries his very best to do whatever he can for me..I am afraid i will let my negative emotions ruin things between us..what can i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Hi,
Have been reading the answers from the other aunts, and as I told you, they would be mostly unsypathetic to your situation. And they are right, to give you this advice. But you cannot help who you fall in love with.
I agree that even if he does leave her for you, you will be constantly looking over your shoulder for him to go back, or go off with another woman. This does not meen he will, but I am telling you thats how you will feel.
Its a horrid way to live, and some might say that you will deserve this.
If you really want to save yourself from anymore hurt, tell him its over. And find yourself a great Guy who is free.
Easy for me to say, as I admit I could not do it. But there are days when I wish I had, even though I love him very much. Every day is a struggle.
Please take care XX
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Your boyfriend is married...problem right there.
As for your willingness to be the "other woman", moe common that you think. Some women Love the nature of the relationship. It is all the perks of having an exciting part time lover, without the pressures and responsibilites of an ongoing relationship. You are enjoying that dynamic.
Where this is going to get messy is that if his wife finds out, she, the kids, and their marriage may fall apart...assuming she does not already know.
Second is that when push comes to shove, he will ALWAYS choose them over you. I think THIS is the source of your negative emotions. You thought you could control them, and they are not controlable. Basically, his family is more important to him than you are, and you are reacting normally becuase no woman wants to share her primary partner on THIS intimate level...unless they have really worked to be more open about relationships...which you have not.
Listen, you are the "other woman". You have liked the benefits from it, but now the down side it hitting you hard. Basically, you will NEVER be his number one, and THAT is starting to bother you no matter how much you rationalize it away.
-FBK
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): Its almost certain that he is having a great time and loving her while there on holiday. Taking her out to meals and maybe buying her jewlery. But thats because shes his wife, and all you are is his bit on the side. If she ever finds out, he will ditch you...be faithful for a while, then find another mistress. Hes got background and marriage with her, and you will never have what shes had with him. The annoymous writer above is right, you should really be finding your own person to settle down with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): You aren't necessarily stupid..just misguided and living in a fantasy world, perhaps. This guy really has his hooks into you, doesn't he? You state "he did not lie to me about his status the day we went together" Wrong way to think. One thing is for sure..anyone who steps out on their spouses are "liars"...big ones. Everyday, he is with you...he's lying to his wife and kids, isn't he? Any woman who gives her love openly and willingly and puts her life on hold.. for a married man needs a swift kick in the butt--and a good shot of reality. Girl, this guy isn't going anywhere. That is 'why' he’s still married and living with his wife. Try to understand....some people are not necessarily happy and content in their committed relationships. A lot of unethical people are always looking for thrills and orgasms on the side, but have no intention of leaving their marriages and families behind. You need to understand, in a marriage, the bond and connections run deeper than love, and for many people, that is more important. A wife to many men is a best friend, a mate for life. It sounds like you and he are experiencing great sex and the romantic thrall of lust and infatuation. So...quit making this so damned easy for him. Don't kid yourself, he loves her more than he's telling you or he would've bailed a long time ago. Accept that. This is the emotional price one pays, when one makes a choice to have an affair with a married man.
This also a time when you reach inside your heart and sense of humanity and think of his wife. There is huge issue of non-respect for your fellow woman: his wife. I think us women should stick together and respect each other, which includes respecting each others marriages and commitments. She has done nothing to you. And if you think that he'll one day leave her for you, think again. But let's theorize for a minute. Would if he did leave her for you? Would you still want him? Got to remember dear, if he cheated on her with you, he'll cheat on you with someone else. After all, we're talking about a man who does not display the values like honesty, commitment, fidelity, faithfulness, trustworthiness. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, hun. You need to focus on you and what you want, your goals in life.
You need to know that when a woman feels good about herself, she selects a partner who lets her know she is valued and respected. She won't permit this person to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. I think you deserve so much more, hun...start believing in yourself, so that you can move forward without this man. So, I suggest you tell him, "Call me when the divorce papers are signed." And then get on with your own life. By doing this, you are telling him, if he wants you, he has to become an available, single man. If you don't do this, then he will know he doesn't have to do much to keep you. Understand the risk..you may never hear from him again. And if you don't, then you will finally know the truth. And with the truth...you can heal, recover and move on. You have the emotional means to do this. Be strong and realize that one's happiness and self-esteem is centered in will to overcome circumstance, not to give into being overcome. I also suggest you get some individual counseling to find out why, you can so easily disconnect and detach yourself from your sense of responsibility here to this man's wife and kids...with no thought of the pain and suffering you could be bringing into their lives. I truely hope that you see the light and eventually find the courage and strength to really love/value yourself to kick this married man's ass to the curb. Time will tell. Good luck and be brave..be strong.
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A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (23 May 2007):
 If he's got a family with kids, the best thing that you can do is find someone else. I know that you may love him, but it's wrong to break up a family for your own selfish desires.
DV1
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 May 2007):
 Well since you are asking....Yes I think there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Yes you are shameless. Of course he is doing something wrong whether he lied about his status or not. And the fact that you are resenting the time he spends with his family then poor you. You know exactly what you should do. You are currently getting exactly what you should expect to get. Move on or you'll be a very very lonely old woman one day.
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A
female
reader, nicola79 +, writes (23 May 2007):
 well the first thing is that we cant help who we fall for and how we feel. on the other hand,and im sorry to say thiss because you seem really nice. he is a married man and you say he has no faults but of corse he does other wise he wouldnt be with you.
he may be a nice bloke but i cant be sorry or happy for you because it is wrong sweety.
has he got kids with his wife? if so that makes it even worse. i am talking how i am because i am married and if i ever found out my husband was dating someone else who knew he is married i would be so so hurt and very angry.
i know this is a hard thing to here and im sorry if this hurts you but, get your own man. dont take other womans men,if he has done it to her then he will do it to you. the good thing in having your own man is that you wont have to think "what is he doing with her" or "will he ever leave her for me" because the chances are he wont.
like i say,you seem lovely,so do your self a favour and get rid.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (23 May 2007):
Hi,
You will get a few nasty answers on this one I'm affraid, but not from me.
I understand completly how you feel, and its extremly hard. But this Guy is not showing you the life you deserve.
You can blame yourself, as I did, but he is to blame. Does he say he is un-happy, and this is why he is having an affair. Or is he quite ok at home and just using you.
There is a lot to concider, in the future with this man. If he loves his wife, then he, or you, should let go. And if he doesnt, then he should tell her and be honest. The chances are, he will carry on with this as long as he can.
How will you deal with this if she finds out?. Sooner or later she probably will.
And even if he leaves her for you, are you prepared for the backlash. Because I can tell you first hand, he would be forgiven, but your name will be mud.
Even then, I thought "it doesnt matter, we are together and I love him", Oh how wrong I was. The ammount of guilt he will feel for leaving the family is un-real. And you will have to cope with this. Its very upsetting and you start to torture yourself, as to wether you did the right thing.
We are 2 years through this, and the ex wife would still have him back. She doesnt want to move on, and is just waiting, for it to go wrong for us. In my case my ex's relatioship with his wife was terrible and he had been trying to get out of it for years, unfortunatly, he was her meal ticket and she then realised what she was losing.
Its never easy, and I think if I were you. I would find a man I can have with no baggage. Because you are heading for heart-break, with this relationship.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but you sound really nice, and I think you deserve better.
Best of luck X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): He is a bit confused about whether he is your partner or your father. He is being patriarch to you as a way of soothing his guilt and you are being like a daughter at times. He is also greedy and why not? since you are a willing collaborator. I think he probably does love his wife and is being very silly. You are too young or inexperienced to see that this relationship is bad for you. Love comes in many disguises, sometimes it has a kind and friendly face - but things lurk behind that make it damaging. This one is damaging for you and you are at a crucial age. Before you know it you will be 30 years old and with no solid relationship from which to make your own family. This is what being with him could take from you. Don't spend all that emotional currency on him and find yourself short later. He is being selfish to take it quite frankly, but then he is kdding himself. So one of you have to stop this and while this is so easy for him I don't think it will be him. He will leech away your best years. He will also make it just that little bit harder to believe, when love really does come, that you can trust your own man. When you find him he will look into your face and say he loves you, he will take you on business trips. Just maybe you will find a niggling voice in the back of your mind which wonders whether he too has another young girl waiting like you once did for a married man. See what I mean? These situations eat away at the edge of people in so many ways.
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